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Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 05/12/2018 19:25

So have you been exchanging texts it has been texts ever since

Or have I misread and its been radio silence. Hope it turns out ok Flowers

TwistedChristmas · 05/12/2018 19:27

No way in hell I'd go to her wedding let alone be a BM. She's shown you who she is. Listen. She is not a friend. Your friendship will not recover and this incident will never be forgotten. Not sure why there's still a question over what to do. I won't tolerate anything like this these days though. I won't take any shit anymore. Life's too short to have this kind of person in it.

dulcefarniente · 05/12/2018 19:30

If you wanted to be really passive aggressive you could message the group " as neither bridezilla or I can afford to pay for the wedding of her dreams I am stepping down from the role of BM. That will hopefully save her some of the costs normally associated with having bridesmaids".

AntiHop · 05/12/2018 19:56

I don't think it's normal for bridesmaid to pay for her own dress. The only time I have been a bm, the bride and groom chose and paid for the dress. I have heard of many weddings where the bride and groom pay.

loveyoutothemoon · 05/12/2018 19:59

Don't forgot the Facebook post! I'd be very reluctant to attend the wedding at all after that!

At least tell how much that upset you.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 05/12/2018 20:33

At this stage OP, if I were you, I'd phone her and leave her a voicemail. I'd follow up with an email (with a delivery/read receipt on it). I'd tell her "Thanks for the very generous offer of buying the bridesmaid dress for me but having given it serious thought over the past X days, I will be stepping down as bridesmaid as it just is working out too expensive, not only in money but in time away from my family. I sincerely wish you all the best and hope you have a lovely day".

crispysausagerolls · 05/12/2018 20:49

I actually find it very shitty of the bride to discuss your finances with another bridesmaid. And I don’t believe for a second that the BM hasn’t discussed with the bride that she will help you pay for the dress. It’s all become very embarrassing, people trying to “help” you as if you are a charity! You shouldn’t need any help and it shouldn’t be embarrassing, because the bitch of a bride should be paying for your dress anyway!!!!!!!!!!!! She has put you in a horrible situation!

psicat · 05/12/2018 21:05

@crispysausagerolls I was thinking exact same thing 👍

AutumnB · 05/12/2018 22:30

I would avoid any reference to xmas, otherwise you might get the 'you can pay me back afterwards' Or 'pay me instalments'. It needs to be clear that you can't and won't spend £250 on a dress full stop. (Maybe not as direct as that, but hopefully you get what I mean!)

onegiftedgal · 05/12/2018 23:06

The bride should always pay for the dress, always. If she wants to gift it to you or not after the wedding then that's up to the bride.
It is not your responsibility at all.
She sounds awful, sorry op.

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2018 23:26

The bride should always pay for the dress, always

In your opinion, which is fine, but you can't pretend it's not very common or that your opinion is the law. That's not how the world works. Sadly for you.

MaryDollNesbitt · 05/12/2018 23:36

The cheeky cow took it upon herself to discuss YOUR finances (told to her in confidence) with another BM? OP, how are you staying so calm about this? I would be fucking livid! How dare she! Who the hell does she think she is?! AngryShock

Please, for the love of god, just back out of the whole ridiculous charade. Wish her luck for the day and be done with it. Have nothing more to do with her. She’s a shitey person and life is too goddamn short to be surrounded by the likes of her.

delboysskinandblister · 05/12/2018 23:51

Right. I have had enough of this classless bint, send this Bridezilla to me. whilst you sleep with the groom

Shock Grin

GabsAlot · 05/12/2018 23:58

so keep the peace u should all get the money togther as not to upset her?

sorry but the other bm isnt helping matters

good you said no and i really think rather than wait just say you wont be bm anymore

user1471426142 · 06/12/2018 00:08

You have been put in a horrid situation by your grabby friend. It is absolutely normal for the bride to pay. I have always had everything paid for as a bridesmaid and as a bride I paid for my bridesmaids’ dress, hair, accessories, accommodation and got them a present. If she couldn’t afford to buy 5 dresses, she shouldn’t have had 5 bridesmaids. She should not be accepting a single mother to subsidise her wedding.

Don’t accept the 125 from the other bridesmaid- that would just feel wrong.

Mummblebee · 06/12/2018 00:28

I personally would assume the friendship is over and predict that she will likely end up resenting you no matter what the outcome, or how you handle this because she sounds like a complete narc who wants it all about me me me.

Being a bridesmaid is not a privilege if the bride is a self absorbed, self entitled, insensitive twat as this woman clearly is. It's just a headache. Hmm

The4thSandersonSister · 06/12/2018 01:58

As I posted previously upthread you should definitively bow out now.

The subject is being discussed believe me and you are being made out to be the most awkward, uncompromising and tight-fisted creature to walk the planet.

Anything that goes wrong is going to be laid on you. Your turning up on the day would be intolerable for you and you seem not to be even worried thinking about that.

The fact that you have been PA targeted on Facebook, discussed with others to the point another Bridesmaid has offered to cover half the cost of the dress. The MOB is probably sticking pins in a voodoo doll of you.

None of this is your fault, but you seem to think you can just hug it out and everything will be forgotten. If only the Bride would answer your txt.

Her non answer is your answer. You are now a grey cloud on her Big Day and will be treated as such.

Boulty · 06/12/2018 13:17

She sounds very demanding, inconsiderate and not much of a friend... it's all about her isn't it - so you couldn't make her hen weekend and she moans, she wants you to pay £250 for a dress of her choice to wear for one day yet knows you are a single mother!!

That is not a good friend at all. Tell her you cannot afford it, or the fancy restaurants and wine to 'discuss' her wedding!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/12/2018 20:30

Hi again OP

There are a lot of responses debating whether bridesmaids buying their own dress is normal or not. I think from the responses you can see that a lot of brides buy all the dresses but sometimes bridesmaids pay too.

I think though that debate is kind of not the point - there clearly isn't a set 'rule'.

Your friend, to me, is on the wrong for two reasons - for neglecting to discuss with you (styles, prices, who was paying) and then when she knows you can't afford it, making shitty Facebook comments about it and still trying to get you to shell out.

If someone doesn't have the money, they don't have the money, despite what conventions there may be, and not being understanding of this is against what the whole point of a wedding is meant to be about

Spiggity · 06/12/2018 21:41

Resign from this circus

Deerstalker · 06/12/2018 21:57

I was a bm - bride paid
I had several bms at my wedding- I paid

It’s tradition for b&g to pay

CantGetDecentNickname · 07/12/2018 00:13

OP, please let us have an update. There is only really one option which is for you to stand down as BM - you cannot afford this dress and she can’t really pay for one and not the others. I hate the way she has behaved towards you, she is basically making out that you have to be well off to be her friend, had a direct dig at you and discussed your business with others. She has no clue what things are like for you. Few of us have ever spent money like that on a dress other than a bride’s and it is traditional in UK for bride to pay (unless she makes other arrangements with close friends such as own shoes and makeup, who want and are able to contribute). I have never known anyone get the BMs to pay in such a way. Worse, she has tried to make you feel bad about your circumstances and bully you into taking on a loan you cannot afford which would mean depriving your kids to put her first. Unbelievable really. I would message them all to say that you aren’t rich enough to be her friend and don’t need to be treated like a charity case. No one should be made to feel bad about their circumstances or that they are lesser than anyone else or have to buy someone’s friendship. She should have considered your needs and factored them in. She is s very poor friend. Please don’t feel bad about pulling out- she has let you down, not the other way round. Good luck Flowers

MRex · 07/12/2018 10:58

So now she's bitching about you to her other mate. I'm feeling more tempted by a response like "I've thought it over and I can't attend your wedding because I don't like you any more. Have a good life."

On the nappies, with leaks do you have: frills out, side tabs fully overlapping, no more than 2 fingers stretch between tummy and nappy, nappy size on the low end of the weight limit (move up a size early). We get on best of all with ASDA nappies, but Aldi are good too; some are better for a thin or fat thigh coupled with slim or fat tummy so you do need to experiment. Most leaks though would be due to set-up, not nappy.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 07/12/2018 11:04

I would just say, I absolutely love the dress, but that the £250 is above your budget. Say I would still love to be part of your day, and be an honoury bridesmaid, and help in anyway leading up with prep and on the day. And then get out of it. This isn't a big deal, it's totally ok to write this.

It's insane that she has asked you to pay for your bridesmaid dress, please DO NOT feel that you need to keep up with this facade of princess dresses and riches that you don't have. Spend the £250 on things you NEED. I am sorry that someone ah put you in this situation. And stop going to planning dinners is my advice. And don't be hard on yourself about this, this is totally normal that you flinch about paying for babysitters etc because this is expensive.

Original poster
bridezilla1 · 07/12/2018 11:21

Your friend, to me, is on the wrong for two reasons - for neglecting to discuss with you (styles, prices, who was paying) and then when she knows you can't afford it, making shitty Facebook comments about it and still trying to get you to shell out.

You've summed up exactly what upset me really, it's not about the actual cost of the dress or who's paying it was the way it was done. I don't feel it was my responsibility to ask what was expected but more hers to explain so when she said will you be my bridesmaid she should have warned ahead saying we would be responsible for the dresses. I think it's just unkind and a bit grabby to select the dresses, then have us all pay for the privilege to wear them for her ceremony and photos.

After the other BM offered to pay (which I was grateful for but declined) she sent me another message saying she really wants me to be her bridesmaid and now her parents have offered to pay for the dress so I don't have to. I have replied saying that I feel quite embarrassed now with the whole situation and having my finances and personal situation being discussed so would feel happier to just come as a guest, she replied okay if that's what you want.

Some of the advice given have been excellent but just not me at all, I generally try and avoid conflict and wanted to just get through this then distance myself rather than have this big drama and being blamed/talked about behind my back but I can see now she isn't really a friend and we have grown apart as our circumstances have changed!

OP posts:
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