To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

[bridezilla1]

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

Ok well pleased it's resolved-ish. I wouldn't accept either if someone wanted to "sub" me though if the bride came to her senses and paid for all the dresses (unlikely at £1250!) that might be ok.
I'm surprised you still want to go as a guest tbh, I wouldn't (as I'd be worried, given bridezilla's track record, about people talking about me being the one that wouldn't pay for a bridesmaid dress) but that's obviously up to you.

Are you going to the wedding? She has discussed your finances with multiple people and posted pa Facebook posts.

If you are going to cut her out as a friend you may as well save what you will spend on and outfit and gift and do it before the wedding.

now her parents have offered to pay for the dress so I don't have to

Yes, it shouldn't have been put as a charity thing, but rather offered to all bm.

As others have said - don't go to the wedding as a guest - you will just feel really awkward and just think of the money you will save. Spend the saved cash on the kids :)

I have replied saying that I feel quite embarrassed now with the whole situation and having my finances and personal situation being discussed so would feel happier to just come as a guest, she replied okay if that's what you want.

well done. perfect handling and you come out with dignity intact. having someone else paying for your dress and not all the other BMs wouldn't have worked in the long run.

Urgh this whole thread has made me quite annoyed that anyone would behave so insensitively - but these people are out there.

Did anyone see the post ‘taken down’ yesterday where a bride was falling out with GM who had not expected to pay for his own suit hire (because they hadn’t told him), she was also not going to pay for BM hair/ make up or shoes but seemed to expect they had them! 😮 Was doing the ‘poor me’ I don’t know what to do because ‘the budget is all gone’! 🤢 - hadn’t made any provision for the GM/BM extras!

I’m getting married in spring and have two BM’s who can’t pay for themselves (teens) wouldn’t dream of shunting costs onto them/ parents! CF’ery at its worst!

Unless you discuss UP FRONT with the people you are asking- that they will need to pay X then it’s not ok and the way this ‘friend’ had treated you OP is classless and awful.

It’s this terrible ‘big American wedding’ trend that’s coming over atm. Where brides want so many in the bridal party they can’t afford to pay - yet somehow manage to spend £30k on a blow out event 🤔😡

If I were that bride I’d have rather you wore your own dress/ sacrificed elsewhere to get it for you and I wouldn’t have breathed a word of it to anyone else- id be so ashamed if i were her!

If I were that bride I’d have rather you wore your own dress/ sacrificed elsewhere to get it for you and I wouldn’t have breathed a word of it to anyone else- id be so ashamed if i were her

Nice amount of virtue signalling there. We are all impressed.

Well done OP, that is a perfect response and hopefully BTB is calming down and may realise what a prized idiot she's been.

Well done OP! Good for you. And you're right about the drama thing I think the general consensus has been at the way she has treated her friend (bridesmaid or not). It is entirely inappropriate for anyone to discuss your finances (extremely common and height of bad manners). I know she is your friend and you have history but she is losing a good kind thoughtful friend who has no insight to her own behaviour whereas you tried your utmost to be a good friend despite the impact it has had on your life. She just doesn't care about you. I know you said you don't like conflict and I think she makes real estate out of this and knows how to play you.

I hope you are feeling less stressed about this and I am so glad you stood your ground if only to keep your self respect. Well done!

I notice this has made 2 newspapers - Karma for her FB comment and discussing your finances

www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/bride-forces-friends-pay-250-15510173

www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/midlands-news/bride-sparks-uproar-forcing-single-15511825

delboys - that looks like the same article on both sites. Are those newspapers 'related' in any way?

WhatchaMaCallit

More than likely.

I doubt B2B will ever see it anyway much less her own behaviour

Every time I see a Bride/wedding/hen do thread on Mumsnet, the idea of a wedding appeals less.

Marriage - Fine

A wedding - Too much hassle .

It's like nobody enjoys the planning or the day anyway. It's done for status, for parents, to meet expectations and for pure attention seeking.

18 months of misery and stress followed by a day full of anxiety that you can reflect on in your £2k photo album.

I wouldn't even go as a guest. Bet she's one of those tacky people who tell guests to hand over their money as a gift.

Bride should pay for bridesmaid dress. If she can't afford to be buying half a dozen dresses then she shouldn't have such a big wedding with so many bridesmaids?

That's good op, I would not be comfortable for mine to not be paid for, and the other brides having to pay, i suspect it would create some tension between you. It should never have gotten to this, as bride should have paid for the dresses that she wanted you to wear in the first place. How do you feel about her now, you don't have to go to the wedding if it is going to leave you short of cash, be uncomfortable for you.

This thread has also made me quite angry. I paid for all my bridesmaid dresses, hair, make up and hotels. I wouldn't have expected them to pay anything towards it especially as there's alot of other costs involved with weddings. If I couldn't have covered it I would have had less bridesmaids.

Appreciate everyone has different views but if the bride wanted you to pay she should have made that clear upfront and then looked at dresses within everyone's budget and to everyone's taste. I also think all dress should be something all girls feel comfortable in.

I'm sorry she's not been able to see your point of view. It does sound like she's possibly trying with her parents agreeing to help towards the dress but totally understand how that makes you feel, I would be the same.

Sorry you've had all this stress. Perhaps after the wedding she will realise how she's behaved.

xxx

I have been a bridesmaid 5 times. Yes, 5. I have never been asked to pay for the dress. She sounds a right silly cow that I would be happy to lose as a 'friend'.

For what it's worth OP I think you have handled all this with a huge amount of grace and dignity.

I'm glad it's sort of resolved. For what it's worth, I had much more fun at the weddings where I was a guest than the one where I was a bridesmaid!

Thank you all so much, the advice has helped calm me down a lot.

I'm not really keen on going to the wedding at all, but we have a few mutual friends and I think if I don't go it might cause more stress in the long run. I plan on wearing a dress I wore to another wedding last year and just leaving early at the reception (having the DC is a perfect excuse).

Then I can distance myself from her in a more natural way so we "drifted apart" rather than the big feud.

I don't think many will be talking about me rudely as given this threads response, the vast majority would understand where I am coming from. I hope I have left it vague enough that if she were to come across one of those articles she wouldn't know it was me but might read some of the responses to a "very similar" situation!

Well done op.

You have handled yourself with pride

Agreed, well done! I think it's good to go to the wedding. Then drift as you, will save any awkwardness in the future x

Sounds like you've handled this so well OP, well done