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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone NOT get financial help from parents these days?

356 replies

Milly848 · 03/12/2018 09:43

It seems everyone around me is getting money for house deposits or even full houses from their parents. These people are in their late 20s and 30s. I'm not sure if it's the area I live in, or if it's normal.

It makes me feel quite bad, as my parents haven't given me a penny since I was 18, let alone thousands for a deposit. I've had to save everything from the work I earn, and I'm on a relatively low wage. I thought this was the norm, but now I'm feeling it's the exception.

Is it possible these days to get by without financial help/inheritance?

OP posts:
IMissGin · 03/12/2018 13:59

Me! And only as hoc babysitting (maybe 4/5 days a year)

SilverbytheSea · 03/12/2018 13:59

I very much hope we would be in the position to help our DC, whether that he financially or practically before we die and they inherit! My dad wasn’t in the position to help while alive, and I would have never asked/expected him to, but I know that if he could have then he would have.

BlancheM · 03/12/2018 14:03

No, I only hear of it on here. I thought it was mainly an upper class thing.

Berimbolo · 03/12/2018 14:03

Not a single penny. Very poor upbringing due to parents with manual/basic skilled jobs. Pretty much all I earnt whilst still living at home went towards running mum's house when Dad died. In fact I still have to bail her out financially now (resentful much?!).
Best friends have had weddings, deposits, cars, lessons, holidays etc and they don't value money I feel as they've never had to 'work' for it and they freely admit this. They think I'm too frugal and I get their point too.
If you are in a position to help your children why wouldn't you, but to say I'm not jealous of people having things 'easy' would be a lie

CookPassBabtridge · 03/12/2018 14:08

Yeah it's the norm up here (west yorkshire), I don't know anyone who hasn't had deposit help (usually 10-15kish) It's so hard to save when wages aren't great and rents are high. Once deposit paid then mortgage is manageable on the wages.

JayDude · 03/12/2018 14:10

I'm super lucky I've had lots of financial help. Through uni and house deposits. DF worked hard and did well for himself. He said specifically when he downsized (DM had died) that money handed out was an early inheritance. Unfortunately he also died a few years later Sad and we (me and siblings) continue to benefit from his substantial estate.

Both my parents had help and I am putting money aside for my children. It's definitely a perpetuating thing.

I don't take it for granted but neither do I feel guilty about it. If you can help your children, why wouldn't you?

Kemer2018 · 03/12/2018 14:14

I don't know. My mum was poor my dad was tight so i didn't get help.
Luckily i bought a home in 1997 which cost 26k in the south east. I was on 10k at the time. Thank goodness. If i had to buy now, with the crazy ratios, I'd be renting.
My bugbear at 17 was that all my mates parents were buying them cars. I used a cycle until 23. That got nicked so i had alot of long walks to work.

QuizzlyBear · 03/12/2018 14:17

I've not had more than bday or Christmas presents from mine from the age of 18 - but my brothers have had money for cars, home improvements, rehab and personal trainers. They also have regular babysitting - all because they ask and I don't apparently.

Being the one person who doesn't want to take advantage doesn't exactly pay off, it seems!

Noviceoftheweek · 03/12/2018 14:20

I have worked hard to get where I am. I wish some others in my life would do the same. It’s tiresome sometimes being viewed as little more than a cash cow.

QuizzlyBear · 03/12/2018 14:27

Mind you, my DH and I have saved almost 2/3 of the cost of university for both our kids and hope to help them afford a deposit on a small flat when they graduate.

Probably we feel strongly about it because we didn't have the same leg up!

Louiselouie0890 · 03/12/2018 14:28

Nope nothing, although I do plan on opening a savings account for them a bit a month money they get gifted etc. and encourage them to add to it

Excited101 · 03/12/2018 14:33

My parents could quite easily help out but they chose not to, which leaves me paying over £1000 pm month in rent every month. It’s not their job to financially support me but when the cost of their new kitchen being over £100,000 which would have been deposits for me and DSis which we pushed them into doing so they could enjoy the house more (DDad didn’t really think it was necessary) it’s a bit of a bone of contention sometimes.

StarlightIntheNight · 03/12/2018 14:33

I think it depends. We live in an expensive area of London, most of our friends have had help for their first house. We would not be able to get on the housing ladder with out my parents help. However, I highly doubt most people would be able to in our area with out any help. Houses here are 1 million and up. I only know of one person who has been able to buy a house with out parents help, but that person is quite wealthy on his own merit. Everyone else with normal high paying jobs still can't get on the market with out help, as rents are high, so impossible to save the several hundred thousands of pounds to get a deposit to buy a house. I think if parents can afford to help, then why not. Especially, when their kids are hard working etc. We are forever grateful for their help or we would have never been able to buy a house in this area, which we needed to stay in for our children school.

Thankyounext · 03/12/2018 14:42

No never but I am in my 50s and it definitely wasn’t the norm when I left school/went to uni/got my own home. My parents were generous in spirit but wouldn’t have had the money to give anyway.

I do think young people were encouraged to be independent much younger in my day (16 or 18) and even more so for my parents’ generation who left school at 14. Also I had a full grant at university whereas many students now are dependent on their parents into their twenties.

I think times have changed and some of my peers might give their grown up children a helping hand. I have a friend who has been saving to support her late teens dc through university since they were born and they are an ordinary family, not particularly wealthy at all.

Popsicle434544 · 03/12/2018 14:45

Not a penny since moving out at 16, I was even asked if we would pay for my father suit and mums outfit for our upcoming wedding Hmm
My brother on the other hand...

Effendi · 03/12/2018 14:48

My Dad helped me to buy a decent car about 3 years ago. He gave me 2k and I put in the rest.
It was the first time I have ever asked my parents for financial help. I didn't want to ask but I was desperate.

BitchQueen90 · 03/12/2018 14:50

I don't. Not because they are tight but because they can't afford it. We are all working class and don't earn a lot. My DM and stepdad didn't buy their first house until they were late 30s and they still have about half their mortgage to pay off.

I'm 28 and rent my home. I'm saving to buy a house which thankfully is achievable in my area as house prices are low but I won't have enough for a deposit for at least another 5 years.

Sunshineonleaf · 03/12/2018 14:57

abacucat But they also all worked full time. Don't most people work full time until mid 60s at least now?

I posted earlier that older parents might be more able to help out their DC. If you have children in your late 30s early 40s as I did then you are likely to be retired well before GC arrive as well as being financially more secure and able to help out .

hannah1992 · 03/12/2018 14:57

I remember when my friends parents all had their driving lessons paid for and then bought a car. I didn't. I worked from leaving school alongside going to college. I paid for my own driving lessons and bought my own car. Not because my parents couldn't because they could, but I've always been taught that you don't get anything unless you work for it. If you can't afford it you can't have it. I used to earn £70 per week. (10 years ago when I was 17) out of that I paid £20 per week for a driving lesson. £15 for weekly travel and gave £20 to my mum for board. She never asked for it but I have it to her anyway as she was a single mum and her tax credits for me stopped because I was working as well so I gave her that. The £15 left I spent £5 once a week on my tea as I left work later so bought my tea before I went home and the other £10 I saved then once I had enough for what I wanted I bought it.

My dad gave me and my now dh the bond and first months rent to our first house when I was pregnant with dd1. We paid him back at £50 per month. Again he didn't say we had to but we did.

We paid for our own wedding and have never leant any money off either side If the family since we first moved in together.

nokidshere · 03/12/2018 15:18

I’m stunned when I see on here people saying they occasionally pay for groceries for their children at university

Why would you be stunned? My sons maintenance grant doesn't even cover his rent, if we didn't help out he would even be able to go to uni. And yes, he has a part time job too.

Sockwomble · 03/12/2018 15:20

I have siblings of that age and they haven't. They are far better off ( degrees and professional jobs) than my parents ( on state pensions). I've never had any financial help since leaving home for university.

abacucat · 03/12/2018 15:26

sunshine Yes I can see that is the case. I am in my late 50s though and it used to be very rare for women to have children that late. Although DP is the youngest of a large family and she had him pretty late on. But she was still working full time until she died at 70.

TeaStory · 03/12/2018 15:26

Why would you be stunned? My sons maintenance grant doesn't even cover his rent, if we didn't help out he would even be able to go to uni. And yes, he has a part time job too.

I've already explained that upthread @nokidshere.

AragonsGirl · 03/12/2018 15:26

My parents don’t own their own house, so I never expected any help when I came to buy. My house was funded by the savings I had, and what little my now dh has (he’s much better as saving now thankfully!). We did get a small financial contribution to our wedding from both families, but paid for 80% of it ourselves. I’m proud of the fact we’ve done it all ourselves

abacucat · 03/12/2018 15:29

hannah I didn't learn to drive until I was older as I simply could not afford lessons and had no one to teach me.