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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone NOT get financial help from parents these days?

356 replies

Milly848 · 03/12/2018 09:43

It seems everyone around me is getting money for house deposits or even full houses from their parents. These people are in their late 20s and 30s. I'm not sure if it's the area I live in, or if it's normal.

It makes me feel quite bad, as my parents haven't given me a penny since I was 18, let alone thousands for a deposit. I've had to save everything from the work I earn, and I'm on a relatively low wage. I thought this was the norm, but now I'm feeling it's the exception.

Is it possible these days to get by without financial help/inheritance?

OP posts:
ilovecherries · 03/12/2018 12:59

Neither my husband or I had financial help after leaving school, but I certainly would like to be able to give my dd an easier time than we had. She’s living at home, saving hard for a deposit, and we don’t take money for B&L because I know she IS saving, not spending. However, she’s very conscientious about doing housework, cooking for everyone if she’s cooking for herself, walking the dog without being asked,will often clear the ironing basket or mow the lawn, will pick up odd items we need from the supermarket (at least showing she’s noticed there isn’t actually a toilet roll fairy) etc. So while we don’t give her cash, she gets a lot of in-kind support, and I think demonstrates that she appreciates it.

paap1975 · 03/12/2018 13:00

It's not the norm, but I do see more and more people who expect it for some reason. I left home at 21 after 3 years of uni and haven't received a penny since. I have sometimes received "useful" birthday or Christmas presents. Also, when I bought my first car, my dad made me an interest free loan, but I paid back every last penny.

I was taught to live within my means and that if I couldn't affor it, I couldn't have it.

I didn't buy until I was 40 because I couldn't afford to before then.

EddieVeddersfoxymop · 03/12/2018 13:00

Nope, not a bean. Driving lessons and small contributions that were very appreciated towards my wedding - think making things for me rather than financial contributions. Dsis on the other hand... bailed out over and over again.

AllWorkNoSleep · 03/12/2018 13:03

@MsChanandlerBoing agree; I guess I never really saw it as financial help as such as I was already living at home (aged 20) and was only paying for my own food, car etc so wasn't exactly paying rent. My OH moved in and we were saving for the deposit and my parents offered to let us stay for 6 months without paying 'rent' just carry on paying for our own food, petrol etc. We were very lucky, I'm not disputing that. I still feel proud that we were able to save a nice chunky deposit to buy a house without having an actual handout IYSWIM but totally get we were given help in a different way.

RomanyRoots · 03/12/2018 13:04

I think it depends on where you live, class, or the company you keep tbh.
I don't know a single couple/ person who have been able to afford to give their children such huge amounts of money.
We have saved over their teen years to give them driving lessons and test fees, but that's about it.
I think there's only a small percentage who can help their kids financially.
We are offering free childcare when dil goes back to work, along with her parents.

Jeanclaudejackety · 03/12/2018 13:06

I'm in my 20s.

The majority of my friends have had cars bought for them and deposits for houses. They don't get prolonged financial help though except for about 4 of the girls I know go on a paid for holiday with parents every year. About 5 people I know close enough to know this sort of info about I also know have phones on family or business contracts paid for by a parent.

Don't know if relevant but the ones I know who have received the most substantial help have divorced parents.

Jeanclaudejackety · 03/12/2018 13:07

Oh and to add not all the people I know had it actually from parents can think of 3 at least who's funding came from a grandparent

Dowser · 03/12/2018 13:08

I had help with babysitting, help during the day with children etc
Not so much financial as we didn’t really need it but when my parents and pil passed on we received a small inheritance from pil and a very welcome bounty from my parents and aunt.

This allows me to have the pleasure to help my children and grandchildren

abacucat · 03/12/2018 13:09

Also surprised at the number on MN who seem to get lots of childcare. Sure both sets of parents would have happily looked after GC if we had lived nearer. But they also all worked full time. Don't most people work full time until mid 60s at least now? So it would have been occasional babysitting.

Jeanclaudejackety · 03/12/2018 13:11

@hanuman I get more practical help than monetary and am very lucky that my mum will have my dd at the drop of a hat and enjoys her a lot. However I've noticed that out of say 10 friends with kids, half will have parents that don't help at all and aren't interested and there are a few who actually hate that their parents or in laws want to help practically and don't trust or want them to have their kids, and prefer monetary help toward childcare etc.

Wellwhoopdedo · 03/12/2018 13:12

Most of my friends have had 20k plus given to them. My own parents have never had that in savings. However my mum does do a day a week childcare (she wants to, it isn’t forced) so I benefit there. She has also lent me money over the years, which has always been paid back. I am extremely lucky they have been able to do this. I have no idea how amazing it must be felt to be given 20k or the huge deposits my friends have had. Also the wedding costs, most people have had 10k towards a wedding. It must be absolutely lovely.

BakedBeans47 · 03/12/2018 13:15

Mine help with babysitting and give me bits and pieces eg paying for kids’ shoes etc but no they don’t bankroll my lifestyle/pay for holidays etc.

BakedBeans47 · 03/12/2018 13:16

Sorry hit post too soon. When my kids grow up I hope to be in a position to help them out in a similar way

Oobis · 03/12/2018 13:17

It's certainly not the norm in my peer group. My parents bought a pram/travel system for us twice, a set of excellent pans when we bought our first house, and occasional kids clothes. They are very generous with their time and my kids are very lucky 2 have 2 great grandparents. I'll inherit half a house one day, assuming it's not sold to cover care costs, but they're in good health at the moment and I like it that way 😍

Brazenhussy0 · 03/12/2018 13:24

Moved out of my parent’s house at 16 and haven’t had a penny from them since. I’m in my early 30s now, self-employed, and totally understand how you feel, OP.

Since my Dad passed away a few years ago I’ve been supporting my Mum financially and practically, not the other way around. No inheritance on the horizon either. (My parent’s have/had been living in poverty for years due to disabilities and chronic illness.)

I don’t resent other’s having help from their parent’s – good for them. But it does bother me when those people forget how fortunate they are to have that family help behind them, and when they can’t understand why some of us are stuck renting, or go on less holidays, or generally have to live more frugally than they do.

For our generation, there’s a huge divide between those who receive financial help and those who don’t.

Dragongirl10 · 03/12/2018 13:30

I never had family help and bought myself my first flat..a very long time ago.....none of my friends had family help to buy homes.

starlight45 · 03/12/2018 13:33

They paid for my living costs at college and for some food when I first started work. And again some food gifts for about a month when my dcs were small. They also bought me shoes, clothes, food etc when I was a child. They begrudged every penny.
Nothing as a grown up. They hate me, dh and ds2, so I don't want anything from them. I'm sure they'll have changed their wills, but I wouldn't take money from them if they haven't.
We could do with a rich fairy godmother to pay for occupational therapy for ds1 though!!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 03/12/2018 13:34

I'm 25 and my parents have never helped me with rent, bills, cars etc. They've always said that if we wanted them we had to fund them.

OftenHangry · 03/12/2018 13:35

We are not. Except getting saving from special saving account started when I was born.

My sibling on the other hand....

MrsRhubarb · 03/12/2018 13:41

Not a penny from mine since I moved out at 18. My DF would in a heartbeat if he could afford it, hell would freeze over before my DM gave me a penny. I know I will get some money from house sales when my grandparents die, but it will be very little - big family, lots of us for it to go between. I am very grateful, but it certainly won't be house deposit size.

However because of this DH and I are making sure that we will be in a position to help our DC out in the future. Even when things have been tight we have kept up payments to their savings accounts, and they should each have a nice little nest egg by the time they turn 18. Even if thats all we can ever give them, it should really help them out.

JustanotherCHRISTMASuser01 · 03/12/2018 13:42

Nope - I'm more likely to have to financially help my parents than other way around. In laws gave us a £1000 help for the wedding which was massively appreciated other than that no help.

Acitywallandatrampoline · 03/12/2018 13:46

I am the only one out of my friends who has done it themselves. All have either been given a house outright or very large deposits. Plus regular financial help, new cars, lots of baby sitting etc. My parents don't have that kind of money and it does get you down sometimes when things are hard. I do find that these people are not appreciative though of the help they have been given. Probably because they have always had it on a plate!

RiverTam · 03/12/2018 13:53

abacucat GPs all in their 70s by the time DD was born, had been retired for years (because they could be).

elfer · 03/12/2018 13:54

I feel the same OP but have had nothing from either in laws or my own parents. Indeed my mother has said she’ll be leaving everything to my sister because she’s not married even though sister earns double what I do and lives with her banker bf in the city so hardly in need of it more than me. I’ve since cut my mother off as I thought she could have at least had the decency to keep that quiet from me if that’s her bloody wish.

I figured it out pretty quickly I was on my own to fumble through life so I just worked really hard when I left school to get a good job to afford to live.
I am definitely jealous of those with more help though. It’s definitely not worth comparing yourself to others though. Even with help life can be hard.
I’ve known people to have £10k given to them but that only pays off some of their debt.

zukiecat · 03/12/2018 13:56

No, not had a penny since I was forced by them to leave school, I had to hand over every penny, and she gave £10 back, the £10 had to cover my every expense, bus fares and packed lunches for work, new clothes, going out, everything. She would cook nice meals for her, my dad and my brother, I was allowed to poach an egg on toast, or cook one burger and have it with a packet of crisps.

She didn't even help me when I became a single parent and the DC and me were sometimes going days without food, electric or gas.

My parents are not poor, they are very wealthy,

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