Domestic Violence: Who is BU?

[justthebeginning]

Six weeks ago on Saturday morning I woke up at 4am to my husband pushing a pillow into my face, stopping me from breathing, and screaming at me "This is just a taste of what you've got to come... You'll have to spend the rest of your life watching your back..." etc. I had our 8 month old baby cuddled up next to me at the time.
He eventually stopped, threw the pillow down, shouted some more abuse and threats, then left the room. After I dithered and rang my mum and dithered some more, I eventually called the police, who arrested him and held him in custody for the remainder of the day while I crammed as many of my belongings as I could into my car and then drove the 350 miles to my parents house, where I have been living in fear ever since, as I know he knows where I am.
The night this happened, I had just told my husband that I would like to separate, due to his episodes of violent rage happening with increasing frequency (although not usually directed at me). It made me feel vulnerable and I didn't want to raise my son around that. Once he threw our barbecue across the road. Another time he said he was going to find our landlord and stamp on his head. I needed to get out. And when I tried, that is what happened.
For the last 6 weeks, I haven't heard anything at all from him. He his still on police bail while the CPS make a decision as to whether or not to bring charges, and his bail conditions stipulate that he can't contact me directly or indirectly in the interim. His job is very important to him and is very much in the public eye (absolutely not a celebrity or anything of the sort, but a totally unique role and he is frequently asked to do interviews for the news etc.), and so a breach of bail leading to a criminal conviction would be terrible news for him. But as soon as those bail conditions are lifted - 350 miles is nothing to an angry bastard who has been subject to criminal proceedings and hasn't seen his only son in nearly 2 months, so I'm frightened. I've started locking myself in the house, I have had a lock put on my bedroom door, and I carry a secret camera on my wrist at all times even when I'm in the house, just in case he turns up. Being assaulted in your home with no witnesses and thus slim-to-nil chances of prosecution makes you really desperate to PROVE this shit.
Anyway, we had only been married a year, whirlwind romance etc. He really got me. It turns out this whole time we have been separated he has been messaging my mum, asking for photos of the baby and wanting to arrange contact with him. She obligied and sent him photos, without telling me, as she understandably thought I was too fragile at the time. Now that I know, I have asked her to please stop replying to his messages, as (a) there are some very serious legal proceedings about to take place, and (b) I'm desperately trying to protect myself and my son from this piece of shit.
Now my mum says she doesn't think my STBXH deserves to be separated from his son, and that my son deserves to know his dad. My baby is 9 months old, and the happiest baby you could hope to meet. I would never stop him from knowing his dad later when he wants to, and when he is old enough to know if something is wrong and to communicate it to me, but right now, when this is still very raw and my baby is still very little, my priorities are protecting us both and keeping us both as far away from this monster as possible. Mum says that people make mistakes...
Who is BU?

OP your ex is getting information from these photos that your DM sends. Every time she responds to his request for a picture she’s basically telling him your DS is still at theirs. He may also be studying the backgrounds to get info on places you visit.

As much as you love your DM I think you need to protect yourself and your DS by getting away to a refuge. Definitely involve the police to make them aware your ex has broken bail conditions. Good luck OP.

I think she just wants to pave a way for good future relations, or else for it all to just not to be true?

I think you have it here - she is delusional and hopes there is some way to make the hard fact of her son in law trying to kill her daughter and threatening to do so in the future not real. You really cannot trust her until she gets how serious this is. What if her turned up in your home town, seemingly penitent ("it was all a big misunderstanding") and asks to see you or the baby? Would you come home some day and find him sitting in her kitchen. This is really scary.

I think you need to call the police and ask for their advice as soon as possible.

You need to go to a women's refuge. They will know the seriousness of this situation. You also need to make sure the local police are aware of the situation that you are in. I would also seek legal advice too.

It must be very hard for you to know that your own mother has gone against your wishes, just at a time when you need her support.

Report him to the Police.

Your mother is not acting appropriately (for whatever reason)

He tried to KILL you.

He must not be given access to your baby son.

Don't doubt yourself. Your son needs his mother alive and well.

sorry meant to add - I don't think you are safe at your Mums atm.

I go to a Shelter, temporarily, whilst the legalities are sorted.

Jesus Christ. She needs to understand how serious having contact with him is - maybe someone from the police or women’s aid can help you get this across to her?
I agree with posters saying to report him, and definitely think that unless you’re sure there is absolutely no way you’ll come home one day to find him there, having sweet talked your mum with a sob story about a misunderstanding and wanting to see his son, then you need to look into somewhere else to stay.

If it were me and she didn’t understand what she’d done, she wouldn’t be having my child unsupervised, she wouldn’t be taking any photos of him, and I would be seriously considering moving and not telling her where I am.

The collusion of others perpetuates violence against women. I think that some people don’t want to believe it’s happening and fool themselves as they can’t think it’s that bad and dont want to believe it.

My SIL is dating someone who has been to prison for violent behaviour and has hit her in the past, apparently he is a reformed character according to MIL. I will not meet him. DH and I had words about this.

You may have to cut contact with your parents, I’m really sorry about what’s happened to you but she is prepared to put you in danger.

@justthebeginning your Mum may be a lovely person, but she clearly has zero clues about dangerous, violent men.

• moving to a refuge would be a good plan. At the very least, you need to tell her clearly that this is what will happen if she ever has ANY contact with your ex

• yes, tell the police

• please, ring Women's Aid, on 0808 2000 247. You are in danger, and you need people on your side who really know what they're talking about. As I'm sure you know, when a man is violent, leaving him is the most dangerous time.

• please start a thread in 'Legal' ( you'll find it in Other Stuff) asking for info on urgent getting a restraining order, there are some good family lawyers who will point you in the right direction.

You've done great, getting out. Keep going. You'll get to the other side of this.

Send your mum the link below to the latest Femicide Census. It points out that 77% of the women murdered by their former partner were killed within the first year of leaving them. You are currently at extremely high risk of something awful happening and your mother is enabling him.

1q7dqy2unor827bqjls0c4rn-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/The-Femicide-Census-Report-published-2017.pdf

@justthebeginning, I know it must be incredibly hard to hear that your mum can't be counted on, and to find out she's betrayed you at the time you need her the most.

Please do not think twice about whatever you have to do to keep yourself and your baby safe. You know the figures, avoid becoming another, you'd cut off your arm if you had to save your child and that was what it took, you know you would.

I hope your mum is probably just in shock and hasn't grasped the gravity of your position, but if it takes calling the police, WA, Uncle Tom 'n' all to impress on her how serious this is and how dangerous your ex, then do it. Please.

And please let us know you actually are safe when you can.

Move into a refuge. You cannot afford to take any risks at the moment.

Why does the government not take proper action to licence dangerous men and tag them. They are volatile and implode upon themselves with their thinking patterns.

All potential partners should be informed of their full history and likely reoffending.

OP, I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened to you.

I know it’s hard to process your mum’s betrayal because you truly think she’s lovely, but look at it another way: SHE HAS PUT YOUR CHILD IN DANGER. Whatever your past relationship with your mum has been, you can’t trust her now to protect you and your baby.

You need to be the mum that your own mum clearly isn’t and put your child first . Pack your bags, go to the police station and tell them everything. Ask them to refer you to an agency that can help you find a safe place for you and baby. If you want, you could send your mum a text to let her know you’re safe, but you should limit contact after that and absolutely do not tell her where you are. She WILL tell him!

Your mother thinks it’s more important to enable a relationship between her grandchild and son-in-law than to protect her daughter from the man who tried to kill her. She is a danger to you and your baby. It doesn’t matter how “lovely” she is, your survival is more important.

Your husband nearly killed you whilst your child was in your arms and your mother thinks he should have access to his child?

She’s an idiot.

You need to get away from there otherwise you’ll be dealing with a situation where she hands your child to him.

Fucking hell. What a stupid and dangerous attitude she has.

Why are you making excuses for your mother?

Tell the police he's been in contact with her.

If you do decide to be at your mums house. Then please at least speak to women’s aid and the police. Because of the seriousness both may be able to help with installing a panic alarm for you.
However, this is not the time to let your guard down. Your mum has put you in a high risk situation by falling for his game playing tactics. Trust only yourself and keep in mind that you have a baby to protect. The same baby that was next to you in bed whilst his father tried to kill you.
His father is not remotely interested in his sons welfare, asking for pictures. Because if he was he would not have abused his baby’s mother!
He clearly has not taken on board his bail conditions. Thinks that he is above the law and can breach them. He is exerting indirect control over you. Be brave as you have been. You can get through this.

Hi there everyone and thank you for all the responses.

Firstly, the thing about breaching the bail conditions, that was my first thought too. I got in touch with the police officer who is handling the case, who confirmed that his bail conditions state. So no breach there. However my solicitor has sent a warning letter to him not to make contact or attend my home even after the bail conditions are lifted, and she is poised to file for the non-molestation order at the first hint of trouble (she said there needs to be a very recent i.e. within the last few days incident for the judges to be satisfied that a non-mol is necessary).
Regarding my mum, I genuinely think she intended to do the right thing, but got it wrong. I agree with the poster who said there's a massive piece of the puzzle missing, as I don't know why she thought it was a good idea to do this while I'm frantically dealing with solicitors, police, as well as all the other administrative stuff that comes with moving house suddenly. It was my intention to show her this thread actually to try and get her to understand how serious this is and how crazy it would be to facilitate contact, but I don't want to upset her with some of the more brutal posts. I don't know what to do anymore...

Sorry, this is what the police officer said in his reply:

"In regards to *’s bail conditions, they are as follows:

NOT TO CONTACT OR INTERFERE WITH, EITHER DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY, ANY PROSECUTION WITNESS, NAMELY * EXCEPT VIA A THIRD PARTY FOR CHILD CONTACT.

When I bailed * I would have discussed these conditions with you. There are no conditions preventing him from contacting your immediate family like your Mum at all, but he can’t speak with them with the intention of speaking with you, and he can’t pass any messages via family or friends to you or request any messages be passed to you, unless they pertain to child contact only."

If you are going to stay at your parents, could you convince them to get a security system with cameras set up? That way you are highlighting the seriousness, showing how fearful you still are and protecting yourself at the same time. When I say protecting, I mean it might make him pause for thought when he turns up, or at the very least catch him when he does as proof.
I am very concerned for you OP. I can sense your frustration and how tired of it all you must be. It sounds as if you are doing all you can legally at least, well done

Please just phone Women's Aid.
Your mother is facilitating your abuser. It may seem nicer at her house than in a refuge but she could get you and your child killed and she cannot see any danger.

Just show this your mum. She will understand. I am pretty sure she will have been sucked in by him because men like this play a clever game. She won't have done it on purpose but please be clear that she understands the potential damage she may cause by engaging with your husband - she could be arranging your funeral and/or the funeral of your baby if she lets him into your lives.

Your mum sounds weak and stupid, sorry she does. She is supposed to have your back, and support YOU as her dd, not put an abusive man above the safety and well being of her dd and her child. Which is what she did. Maybe she needs some tough love so to speak, so that she can see the damage that her interfering can do. That would break my trust with her, and if I were in your position I would feel utterly betrayed by her actions. As Spero has said, she is as dangerous as he is, and that is right, she is colluding with him behind your back.

A violent male is not like the rest of us. He has a needle like focus on the cause of his anger and everything around is blurred. All the normality is not there.

You keep him away. Primarily you do that in a women’s refuge. You only let him see the child in a controlled situation.

OP, please leave. Your mum prioritised your husband’s feelings over KEEPING YOU ALIVE. She has extremely poor judgement AT BEST. I know you love her, but you can’t trust her.

I also think he has groomed your mother, why would she be loyal to him even though you have told her that he attempted to kill you
I have an adult daughter of similar age if she told me what happened to you my blood would run cold and I would do everything in my power to keep that man away from her
There would be no second chances for someone who did that to a child of mine