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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Domestic Violence: Who is BU?

160 replies

justthebeginning · 02/12/2018 20:23

Six weeks ago on Saturday morning I woke up at 4am to my husband pushing a pillow into my face, stopping me from breathing, and screaming at me "This is just a taste of what you've got to come... You'll have to spend the rest of your life watching your back..." etc. I had our 8 month old baby cuddled up next to me at the time.
He eventually stopped, threw the pillow down, shouted some more abuse and threats, then left the room. After I dithered and rang my mum and dithered some more, I eventually called the police, who arrested him and held him in custody for the remainder of the day while I crammed as many of my belongings as I could into my car and then drove the 350 miles to my parents house, where I have been living in fear ever since, as I know he knows where I am.
The night this happened, I had just told my husband that I would like to separate, due to his episodes of violent rage happening with increasing frequency (although not usually directed at me). It made me feel vulnerable and I didn't want to raise my son around that. Once he threw our barbecue across the road. Another time he said he was going to find our landlord and stamp on his head. I needed to get out. And when I tried, that is what happened.
For the last 6 weeks, I haven't heard anything at all from him. He his still on police bail while the CPS make a decision as to whether or not to bring charges, and his bail conditions stipulate that he can't contact me directly or indirectly in the interim. His job is very important to him and is very much in the public eye (absolutely not a celebrity or anything of the sort, but a totally unique role and he is frequently asked to do interviews for the news etc.), and so a breach of bail leading to a criminal conviction would be terrible news for him. But as soon as those bail conditions are lifted - 350 miles is nothing to an angry bastard who has been subject to criminal proceedings and hasn't seen his only son in nearly 2 months, so I'm frightened. I've started locking myself in the house, I have had a lock put on my bedroom door, and I carry a secret camera on my wrist at all times even when I'm in the house, just in case he turns up. Being assaulted in your home with no witnesses and thus slim-to-nil chances of prosecution makes you really desperate to PROVE this shit.
Anyway, we had only been married a year, whirlwind romance etc. He really got me. It turns out this whole time we have been separated he has been messaging my mum, asking for photos of the baby and wanting to arrange contact with him. She obligied and sent him photos, without telling me, as she understandably thought I was too fragile at the time. Now that I know, I have asked her to please stop replying to his messages, as (a) there are some very serious legal proceedings about to take place, and (b) I'm desperately trying to protect myself and my son from this piece of shit.
Now my mum says she doesn't think my STBXH deserves to be separated from his son, and that my son deserves to know his dad. My baby is 9 months old, and the happiest baby you could hope to meet. I would never stop him from knowing his dad later when he wants to, and when he is old enough to know if something is wrong and to communicate it to me, but right now, when this is still very raw and my baby is still very little, my priorities are protecting us both and keeping us both as far away from this monster as possible. Mum says that people make mistakes...
Who is BU?

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/12/2018 20:44

I think you need to work on getting away. He sounds the type to not give up. Your mum has been sucked into his lies and unfortunately you can’t rely on her now to help keep you safe. Women’s Aid are the people to call - you can move anywhere in the UK and keep your location unknown to your family.

I am sorry you are going through this. There are people here who understand and will talk you through it.

bastardkitty · 02/12/2018 20:44

You need to go to your local DV organisation and they will find you a refuge place away from your ex and your mother. Or speak to Women's Aid. Are you confident your mobile phone is safe and not tracked/monitored?

Tinkie25 · 02/12/2018 20:45

Your mum is bu.

As others have suggested, you need to get out and find somewhere safe.

Hidillyho · 02/12/2018 20:45

Do you have anywhere else you can go OP?
I wouldn’t feel safe living with someone who is happy to bridge the contact after he tried to kill you

IncomingCannonFire · 02/12/2018 20:46

Oh this is horrifyingly disappointing of her? Is she bedazzled by his status? Please don't allow her to doubt yourself. I think you should find somewhere else to live and unfortunately you cannot tell her where.
However, you don't need to go no contact with her, after a suitable period of resettling you can visit her at unexpected times at her home for short periods. Unfortunately I wouldn't trust her not to alert him you are there or to arrange for him to meet you at the same time as her.
I just cannot fathom how she has justified this to herself.

cosytidy · 02/12/2018 20:48

OP I think some people can misunderstand DV & think it's about physical violence & not appreciate the risks posed. Are you working with an IDVA/local DV agency? They can help you with measures to keep you safe, including liaison with police.
IMO I wouldn't allow son contact. Just as it's not just the physical abuse that puts u at risk I'd say the most damaging aspect of DV for children is the drip drip effect of seeing constant coercive control & manipulation. I'd say your son will be happier without that in his life. Good luck x

Mrskeats · 02/12/2018 20:48

If someone did that to my daughter they wouldn’t have a pulse let alone photos.
She can’t be trusted as others have said.
Very sorry you are going through this.

WTFIsAGleepglorp · 02/12/2018 20:49

Tell the police about his contact with your Mum.

Get out of there, she is minimising the abuse and is more than likely capable of giving him access to you.

It doesn't matter what she thinks, violent men do not need access to their children.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 02/12/2018 20:50

You have done so, so well to get away from him. Your initial instincts were right and your decisions since the incident have almost certainly saved your life. Please don’t let your mum make you doubt yourself.

Original poster
justthebeginning · 02/12/2018 20:50

Thank you for all the supportive replies. I really don't think badly of my mum, she's hands down the kindest and most empathetic person I've ever met, and she (and my dad) goes to massive lengths to support and help me, and now my son too. I think she just wants to pave a way for good future relations, or else for it all to just not to be true? I don't know, but I do know she's an awesome person and I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me. I suppose I can't get my head around it either.

OP posts:
LonelyandTiredandLow · 02/12/2018 20:51

I agree with p.p. - get to a refuge and sort out somewhere to live without telling your mum where you are. You can meet her in towns but I wouldn't trust her with your address. I am shocked she would tell him where you were (he may well have guessed but now he knows for sure). Please don't let her downplay his attempt to kill you. It's not as if we don't hear stories of ex partners killing women and their own children every month Sad

OftenHangry · 02/12/2018 20:52

2 options of what is happening

  1. Your mum is not the brightest light bulb in a room
  2. He is threatening her so she do this
IHATEPeppaPig · 02/12/2018 20:52

Your mother is being so far from reasonable I'm quite shocked. He tried to kill you whilst your baby lay next to you and she thinks he deserves contact with his child? Hmm

OP you know you are not being unreasonable - do not be gaslit into anything. He is wrong as is your mum.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2018 20:54

YOUR HUSBAND TRIED TO KILL YOU.

And yet your mother is concern about having a cordial relationship with this monster? She must be insane.

Maryjoyce · 02/12/2018 20:56

Find a safe place andmove on as fast as you can

Feefeetrixabelle · 02/12/2018 20:56

Your mum is probably the most lovely person alive who wants what’s best for you. But what’s she’s doing isn’t what is best for you. What’s she’s doing puts you and your child at risk. So as lovely as she is you can’t trust her judgement. That doesn’t mean never seeing her again. It does mean moving to somewhere secure where she won’t know exactly where you are (you can still see her as often as you want away from the refuge) and there can’t make the same mistake again.

IHATEPeppaPig · 02/12/2018 20:56

OP, I know you think your mum is lovely but she is putting you and your child at risk. Please call women's aid and get advice ASAP.

bastardkitty · 02/12/2018 20:58

Option 3 - he is a consummate manipulator and your mum is gullible and easily worked on. Whichever option - your mum has not prioritised your safety. You must be so shocked. It's hard to comprehend how much danger she has put you and your son in.

Veganfortheanimals · 02/12/2018 20:59

Have you a friend you can stay with? ...or money to move somewhere new ...I don't think your mum can be trusted .never mind angry bastard.she should be in your corner.i simply don't understand what she is thinking....does she usually turn on you?. I suggest moving on fast without telling your mum where..as obviously she will tell him.x good luck x

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 02/12/2018 21:01

Go to a refuge. She's putting you at risk. Don't leave them alone with the baby otherwise. She may well let your ex see him and god knows what that hate fuelled man would do.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 02/12/2018 21:03

She's already hurt you by playing nice with the man who tried to kill you. She's betrayed your trust and put you both at risk

fourfive · 02/12/2018 21:03

I think that it is possible to love your mother and not want to think badly of her while at the same time recognise that your priority is to stay safe at the moment (you and your baby) and that she may not be able (have the skills or the insight or whatever) at the moment to help you do that and she may inadvertently put you in danger. I would try to find somewhere safer with people who understand properly what is likely to be going on.

Laiste · 02/12/2018 21:04

There's no need to get into any 'is she isn't she' about your mum here. It won't help and it isn't necessary.

Just please accept the fact that for whatever reason she does not know best in this circumstance and you need to be elsewhere now. At least for the near future. Where she can't pass your details on. Please.

MaderiaCycle · 02/12/2018 21:04

Your mum. Report him for breach of bail too. Don’t hesitate.

Maelstrop · 02/12/2018 21:09

She is beyond unreasonable. I think you sit her down, explain for the last time that he nearly killed you and tell her no more contact with him. She needs to pick a side or risk losing you.

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