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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say its not a disease its a habit which started with choice. Alcoholism

406 replies

TreeFu · 01/12/2018 17:03

My mother is a prolific binge drinker much to the detriment of myself and others around her, she has accepted she has a problem with drink but cannot be bothered to do anything to change her habits.

She can and does go for periods of time without touching one drop of alcohol, this is when she has no money to access it. During those periods she is just fine without it but as soon as she has access to money, she will binge until it runs out.

AIBU to believe this has nothing to do with disease and is down to her being weak willed, selfish and enjoying booze more than she cares about the wellbeing of those around her.

OP posts:
MrsTommyBanks · 01/12/2018 17:04

YABVU.

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 01/12/2018 17:05

I have to agree with the OP.
A disease is something that someone has no control over and it is inflicted upon them.

ChodeofChodeHall · 01/12/2018 17:05

Not only unreasonable, but also ignorant.

Believeitornot · 01/12/2018 17:06

YABU

My mum was (is?) an alcoholic. She also has severe mental health issues - not until these were treated did her excess drinking stop.....

So yes on one hand I felt she was being selfish as drink came first. Above everything including her dcs. However I can see it was an illness.

Original poster
TreeFu · 01/12/2018 17:06

But why?

Many many people have overcome drink and drug habits because they had a desire to change, my DM doesn't have that and that's why I think her to be selfish.

OP posts:
Caprisunorange · 01/12/2018 17:06

I don’t even know what time say, I find your post so strange.

MoseShrute · 01/12/2018 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caprisunorange · 01/12/2018 17:07

As above, self medicating mental illness is a huge part of addiction.

brizzledrizzle · 01/12/2018 17:07

From what I remember when I was studying, apparently there are some people with a genetic predisposition to becoming an alcoholic; it's not one gene but a combination of genes and for those people conditions such as stress, bereavement etc etc are more risky because they've got the stress factor and the physical factor.

Caprisunorange · 01/12/2018 17:08

But what choice? Choice to have that first drink at 17 or whatever? Because almost everyone in the U.K. makes that choice. How do you know if you will becone an addict?

TheDarkPassenger · 01/12/2018 17:08

I think you’re wrong, but I wouldn’t say you are wholly unreasonable. You’ve been hurt by this persons drinking so you are bound to feel angry and upset about it.
My friends husband is an alcoholic and the things he’s put her and those kids through is fucking horrific. And at the end of the day at some point, some time, he made a choice.

Believeitornot · 01/12/2018 17:08

Many many people have overcome drink and drug habits because they had a desire to change, my DM doesn't have that and that's why I think her to be selfish

Maybe she doesn’t want to face up to her issues. Maybe it’s too painful. Maybe she needs to hit rock bottom before she changes.

I asked myself all those questions when Mum was bad. She drank when she was pregnant! So yes on the face of it selfish - but to put it down to pure selfishness only scratches the surface IMO.

Alaaya · 01/12/2018 17:08

YABVU. Also, counter productive. The free will/moral failure model of understanding addiction has been repeatedly shown to be significantly weaker in terms of addressing the problem.

Tadda · 01/12/2018 17:09

YABVVU and also quite ignorant...

namechangeforthisobviously · 01/12/2018 17:09

Will be the case for some and not for others. And there will be different types of alchoholics. Also being an alcoholic doesn’t stop you being a selfish wanker. You can be both.

Don’t let your difficulties with your mother make you judge everyone who has an issue with alchohol.

GertrudeCB · 01/12/2018 17:09

Strange and ignorant as to how addiction works. YABU.

Original poster
TreeFu · 01/12/2018 17:10

I'm at the end of my tether after years of being verbally and emotionally abused by somebody who's had copious of opportunities to get help and get better and rejected them because she enjoys drinking instead.

I accept I'm very jaded, but to get better requires a desire for change and she has none of that, she enjoys drinking and doesn't care how it affects others around her.

She openly admits that she enjoys doing this, even though she can see the hurt it's causing.

OP posts:
DeloresJaneUmbridge · 01/12/2018 17:10

YABU but also YANBU.

Alcoholism is an addiction which c9mes from an initial choice to drink.

Once it becomes an addiction though it ceases to be about choice because the person is reliant...in fact stopping abruptly can be very harmful hence why we have recovery clinics etc

It sounds like your Mum is a functional alcoholic who can abstain for periods of t8me but who always goes back to her “familiar friend” when pressure increases in her,

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 01/12/2018 17:10

I would agree that people have to have some sort of MH issues to become addicted to a substance.
I think calling alcoholism a disease, is disrespectful to those who have a disease that they had absolutely no say in.

Glittergirl30 · 01/12/2018 17:11

Drinking alcohol is a choice, however alcoholism is way more complicated then that. Yes, Someone who is now alcohol dependent had a choice to drink their first drink but when it turns into an addiction it becomes a disease. There could be a million reasons why someone becomes dependent on alcohol. Do you really think that anyone actually wants to have to drink from the moment they wake up till they pass out? That they actually want to be broke because they spend all their money on booze? That they enjoy the sickness and shakes when they can’t have a drink? Of course no one chooses that.
However for someone to recover they do have to choose that for themselves otherwise they just won’t be able to. That choice takes a huge amount of courage and a huge amount of love and support.

SpoonBlender · 01/12/2018 17:11

It's totally to do with disease. The alcohol abuse creates a situation where the brain is physically dependent on getting more alcohol, and will change her behaviour to make it happen. As you'll have seen.

"She can go without... when she can't afford it" - what the fuck are you on, that's not a choice!

You are being entirely unreasonable and flat out wrong, ask any trained medical professional or better someone in a substance abuse clinic.

My mum died of alcohol abuse earlier this year. I'm very, very familiar with how the disease works. It's like those parasitic infections that train ants to climb up and get eaten by birds, it's such a strong behaviour change. Go learn.

And get your mum help rather than (or as well as, that's fine) resenting her and blaming her for it. She's fucked over by the addiction more than you are.

jaseyraex · 01/12/2018 17:12

You should watch Russell Brands documentary, From Addiction to Recovery.
You are clearly very hurt by your mother's actions but you're being ignorant, you need to open your eyes and your mind a bit more to just how debilitating addiction can be.

disneyspendingmoney · 01/12/2018 17:13

there is the disease theory of alcoholism,

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disease_theory_of_alcoholism&ved=2ahUKEwiA7Ja3j__eAhXLDuwKHY77Bp4QFjACegQIChAB&usg=AOvVaw0foISkNLHNdhn6KypxMYlj" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disease_theory_of_alcoholism&ved=2ahUKEwiA7Ja3j__eAhXLDuwKHY77Bp4QFjACegQIChAB&usg=AOvVaw0foISkNLHNdhn6KypxMYlj
Wikipedia

consider malaria, it is a disease, you can live with it, you can go and get it treated, you don't have to get it treated and continue to give you problems.

however you think of alcoholism it's down to the individual with it to get treatment

charis · 01/12/2018 17:16

It's not a disease, no, but I do believe it's a condition the severity of which is influenced by complex genetic and environmental / situational factors. YABU.

proudbrows · 01/12/2018 17:16

My ex husband. Had serious issues with drinking ie making very bad choices whilst drunk, being abusive etc....I made him seek professional help and they said if he continued to drink he would soon be physically dependant on it and would have to do a detox to stop. Every drink after that was drunk whilst laughing in my face saying ‘watch me become an alcoholic look’ so yes. Very much a choice in this case.