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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say its not a disease its a habit which started with choice. Alcoholism

406 replies

TreeFu · 01/12/2018 17:03

My mother is a prolific binge drinker much to the detriment of myself and others around her, she has accepted she has a problem with drink but cannot be bothered to do anything to change her habits.

She can and does go for periods of time without touching one drop of alcohol, this is when she has no money to access it. During those periods she is just fine without it but as soon as she has access to money, she will binge until it runs out.

AIBU to believe this has nothing to do with disease and is down to her being weak willed, selfish and enjoying booze more than she cares about the wellbeing of those around her.

OP posts:
lljkk · 01/12/2018 20:56

Al Anon for you, OP. Go.

HalloumiGus · 01/12/2018 21:01

I self medicate low mood with food. In our family (both sides) we have problem drinkers / drug users / smokers / disordered eaters. There's also a lot of anxiety. Is it nature or nurture? I don't know, I just know it's a bit shit when you're a highly educated, successful professional who can't get their shit together on this one thing. Addiction is complex.

onthenaughtystepagain · 01/12/2018 21:07

I agree with you OP, in the same way I would include smoking, gambling, video games and drugs, to say these are illnesses is to absolve the person of blame and responsibility for their actions.
Naturally this doesn't fit the MN model of acceptable opinions but there it is.

Shepherdspieisminging · 01/12/2018 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greendale17 · 01/12/2018 21:32

YANBU- I completely agree with you OP. And yes your mother is selfish

Wordthe · 01/12/2018 21:36

You have a choice
you can either continue with your relationship with your mother and let her damage and destroy you too
Or you can walk away and save yourself
whatever you do she will drown
Do you want to go under with her or do you want to swim?

IveHitPeakTumeric · 01/12/2018 21:37

Food is nothing like alcohol.
Alcohol gives a total brain relaxation, food just fills you up.
Being drunk is having no responsibility.
Fat is just eating too much.
Smoking doesn't impede people's life in the same way

But the underlying reasons why people eat/starve/drink is always the same. The method is the symptom.

Dr Gabor Mate says - don't ask why the drinking, ask: why the pain?

EmmaGemma · 01/12/2018 21:37

Yanbu and I most definitley and whole heartedly agree with you. Unless you've had the misfortune of having a close relative spend their days getting wasted, being constantly called by emergency services, having to clear up their bodily fluids and listen to their whining excuses and blatant lies you really have no idea. The whole disease thing is like a marketing campaign for alcoholics. No other addiction is described in such a way. Stop bloody drinking and if you can't stop then don't expect your family to sort it out.

Coyoacan · 01/12/2018 21:40

I think it is a disease, but anyone with a disease has to take responsability for seeking a cure.

You cannot refuse help and expect sympathy at the same time.

Original poster
TreeFu · 01/12/2018 21:40

She blames everyone and everything but herself for wanting to drink

She misses her late parents. She missed me before I moved closer. She missed her pet dog. She feels like the black sheep of the family. She doesn't like living in sheltered accommodation surrounded by what she calls 'grannies'. She's bored. She's stressed. The list goes on.

I lost a baby in 2016 and she even used that as an excuse to go and get drunk as opposed to coming to see how I was, because she was oh so sad.

She disgusts me (just her, not alcoholics in general)

OP posts:
EmmaGemma · 01/12/2018 21:45

OP, I've got a thread on the 'alcohol support' section which has become a bit of a support for families affected by alcohol. Please come over and join in. I honestly don't think anyone who hasn't been through it can get it. Even my own husband doesn't understand.

Original poster
TreeFu · 01/12/2018 21:49

@EmmaGemma thank you Emma could you link the thread or @ me so I can find it please?

My ultimate aim is to disconnect and distance myself from DM in the new year once dbros birthday and Christmas are out of the way, I'm just getting my thoughts in order so to speak

OP posts:
ragged · 01/12/2018 21:53

My mum got drunk for my wedding rehearsal (she was part of the ceremonies). And most of our visits in last 15 yrs of her life.

The point of calling alcoholism a disease is, I think, to say that the person isn't merely being an asshole. Active alcoholics are assholes, but their ability to stop being one is compromised by a horrible process they can't control.

Calling it a disease doesn't give them an excuse & mean you should say "It's not their fault" and only be sympathetic. I'm a firm believer in being 'selfish' when dealing with alkies. Put your own sanity first.

The disease part is sad b/c they have lost an ability to make better decisions, until they die or hit 'bottom' as AA would say. It's a kind of mental illness but... 3cs as others listed. Serenity prayer & all that.

imho: compulsive behaviour is compulsive and can destroy lives around you, whether it happens wrt food or booze or whatever.

Areyoufree · 01/12/2018 22:12

For me, calling it a disease (although I usually use 'condition') isn't a cop-out. In fact, I think it's the opposite. Because once you have admitted that this is wrong with you, if you are not trying everything you can to get yourself out of it, then you are doubly culpable. It would be like a diabetic constantly being hospitalised for eating shed-loads of sugar, and expecting sympathy, because it's not their fault - it's the illness (and no , I am not directly comparing diabetes and alcoholism).

To say - I have the disease of alcoholism, to be fully aware of the consequences for yourself and others, and still not go for any help is unforgivable. Personally, I would never be around a drinking alcoholic who was doing nothing to try and get help - the destruction they can cause is incalculable.

A580Hojas · 01/12/2018 22:16

She doesn't seem to have any redeeming features op. Stop seeing her and stop answering calls from her. Change your mobile number if you have to. You are not obliged to keep up a relationship with someone so dysfunctional.

RayRayBidet · 01/12/2018 22:17

Massive hugs to you OP, I think enough is enough now, time to put yourself first. Get some RL support and go to the support thread mentioned by pp.

FruitCider · 01/12/2018 22:20

Many many people have overcome drink and drug habits because they had a desire to change, my DM doesn't have that and that's why I think her to be selfish.

Over 90% of alcoholics that attend rehab relapse within 4 years, the outcomes are utterly appalling. A desire to change is just the start, not the end, of painful process.

CollyWombles · 01/12/2018 22:23

YABVU and ignorant.

puddled2 · 01/12/2018 22:24

I'm sorry what you have been through & what your still going through but equally I feel for your mother nobody would choose addiction it's horrendous

Amanduh · 01/12/2018 22:26

Awful. Yabu to think it’s a choice but yanbu to think it’s horrible and selfish. It is. Addiction is nasty and very, very selfish.

But it IS a mental health issue.
Many, many people literally cannot help it.
I’m so sorry op. I wish you the world dealing with it.

SerenaOverjoyed · 01/12/2018 22:31

You definitely don't have to have a mh problem to be an alcoholic. There is evidence some people are predisposed to alcoholism (interestingly primate studies have the same % for teetotalism and alcohol excess).

There are many many alcoholics and addicts who do use substances self-medicate however.

I wouldn't say it's a disease, but addiction does require support and treatment to reduce/stop. Relapse is part of recovery and it's a long hard road. Some people choose not to stop and this is entirely their responsibility, but please never underestimate how genuinely impossible it is to tackle an alcohol addiction. For some the road just feels impossible, and this means they live a shit life. Addicts do deserve compassion - as frustrating and painful as they can be when they're a loved one.

Racecardriver · 01/12/2018 22:37

My mother was an addict. It wasn’t a disease as much as it was a personality flaw. It’s not something that just happened to her that could be treated (like cancer for example). She was just the kind of person that couldn’t or wouldn’t deal with her problems in an adequate manner. I’m not saying Gay there isn’t a biological element. I’m inclined to enjoy drinking a lot. It works very well for me. We must have that in common but I almost never do it and never enoughtogetdrunk because it’s unhealthy and it’s nit a way for me to deal with stress. But she did. Every single day. She was constantly drunk because she was too weak to deal with her problems and escaped them through drink instead.

Racecardriver · 01/12/2018 22:38

*gay was meant to be that. Weiredtypo in a long time. Not least of all because of the random capitalisation.

SerenaOverjoyed · 01/12/2018 22:39

I should clarify - by mh problem I mean a mental illness. There are plenty of alcoholics without an underlying mental illness. To have an addiction and a mh diagnosis is referred to as 'dual diagnosis', there are sadly plenty if these guys too.

Alcoholism is arguably a mh problem but it's debateable. Either way they need support and services to recover.

CollyWombles · 01/12/2018 22:41

I come from a family of alcoholics. I am married to a recovering alcoholic who comes from a family of alcoholics. . Alcoholism is most certainly a disease. It may be a choice to begin drinking, but no alcoholic can pinpoint the moment they went from being someone who liked a drink, to being an alcoholic. It's progressive, it worsens with age and trying to give up can and does kill them.

Most of my family suffered with anxiety, which led to self medicating with alcohol which led to anxiety without alcohol and there is the vicious circle.

An alcoholic is nearly always depressed, due to the way alcohol works on the mind and body, and the addiction pathways formed in the brain are hellish to conquer. Even the most determined alcoholic has a very low chance of success.

That said, no one should have to suffer because of an alcoholic. If you have had enough, that's completely fine and totally understandable. It doesn't however, mean it's okay to dismiss the very serious disease that alcoholism is.