To say its not a disease its a habit which started with choice. Alcoholism

[TreeFu]

My mother is a prolific binge drinker much to the detriment of myself and others around her, she has accepted she has a problem with drink but cannot be bothered to do anything to change her habits.

She can and does go for periods of time without touching one drop of alcohol, this is when she has no money to access it. During those periods she is just fine without it but as soon as she has access to money, she will binge until it runs out.

AIBU to believe this has nothing to do with disease and is down to her being weak willed, selfish and enjoying booze more than she cares about the wellbeing of those around her.

SDTG but I don't understand how at the point you start to really NEED a drink rather than just wanting it wouldn't raise a flag? How would you not realise straight away? Or is just that people just don't want to acknowledge it and just pretend everything's fine until it's too late?
I fully hold my hands up, I have huge issues with this subject which I also think makes it hard for me to see things objectively and I suppose I'm still pretty angry about things too..

I just need to put out there that I have the utmost respect to people who are in recovery, also those who try and relapse because at least they've tried and continue to try, which is all we ask of them isn't it?

If my DM showed even one iota of willingness to stop I would respect that and there's no bounds to the amount of sympathy and support I'd continue to hand her in the coming years, regardless of the toll it takes on me.

In her case she enjoys it too much to want to stop, it's her 'thing' and she fails to even try to comprehend the hurt it causes me. When I try to level with her when sober and calmly explain how much it hurts me and how much it would mean to me if she'd at least try to make a change, all she fires back with is "I'm OK, I'm OK. I just like a drink" and it's always about her.

It's my Dbros birthday on Monday (he's only recently got back in touch with her after 30 years) and the prospect of having to play happy families with her for his sake fills me with dread. We're going out for a meal together and I'm going to spend the next 24-48 hours begging her to stay off the booze on the day and to not let him down. As I'm the closest one to her (or supposed to be) I try so hard to 'micro manage' her binges so they don't interfere with others lives the way they have mine.

Dbro has been back in touch with DM for six months and he's not once seen her drunk, because I've rallied round every single time they're due to meet and brought her to my place, fed her and occupied her so she'd be sober for the meet.

I don't want him to have to put up with the crap that I have.

Sorry I'm rambling now, just so so exhausted and tired of her. I wish she'd just move away.

It's an addiction. In right environment u can over come addiction but you never get better - you manage it. Then right circumstances in kicks the addiction.

Some addicts don't want help

My DM is one of the addicts who don't want help and that is why I'm so incredibly angry at her.

If she at least wanted to change then I'd commend her for the thought at least being there

I agree with you OP. It’s s very difficult thing to deal with as the victim of an alcoholic parent. There is choice and an element of disease.. however we are all grown ups who are responsible for our health.
My dh sufferes mental illness.. he accepts medication and treatment to get him well. If he didn’t, he would be awful to live with so accepts his health is up to him to manage. Alcoholics are the same. I have little respect for those who don’t acknowledge or treat their addiction.

"Even with a smoker getting lung cancer they are only harming themselves."

Watching someone die of cancer has no negative effects on their friends and family?

I’m so sad you are going through this. Like some of the others on the thread I have been through similar. My advice is this:

1). Go to al anon, read about al anon, understand about co dependency. Learn how to detach with love.
2) don’t take on the burden. Why do you think you have to rather than your brother. Be honest with him about what she’s like. It’s not your shame. Secrecy is the worst thing, you don’t have to hide it.
3). Don’t bother to plead with her. Just realise she will get pissed. That is what she will do, you can’t change it.
4) make your own boundaries. She is sober occasionally- so tell her when she is sober that you cannot and will not deal with this. If she wants to drink then she won’t see you.

This all sounds harsh but from long years of experience I can promise you it is the only way. You have to look after yourself. Hand over the responsibility of choice over to your mother. I loved for a long time with my ex trying to police/sympathise/ help him. Let me tell you the only thing that changed anything was when I changed my attitude and said that’s it - it’s over to you now.

I don't think of it as a disease. More of a self absorbed, indulgent, strop against having to adult. One that wreaks havoc on those around them and destroys lives.

It may turn into something they can't control, and yes some are genetically predisposed, but ultimately it starts off as a choice. And carries on as a choice for quite some time IMO.

*I lived not loved!

A very dear friend is suffering and suffering badly with the complications associated with excessive alcohol consumption. She tried to describe to me one day what it's like. She said she wakes up and thinks 'I'm not drinking today.' Has her coffee, writes her things to do (this used to work for her apparently) and suddenly this demon overtakes her and says 'Wouldn't a drink be lovely'. She said she can be vomiting, nauseous and knows exactly what's causing it, but the power of this other voice in her is so strong that she has no control. It sounds like she's an automaton being drawn to drink. She has been in and out of hospital with various associated illnesses, and comes straight out and drinks. She says she can't explain it, and it frustrates her completely because she knows she can be a good person. But it just seems to have a hold over her, stronger than anything that is in her person to control. For that reason, I do believe it is a disease, as she appears to have as little control over her drinking as a child in a sweet factory.
She's a lovely woman, but is dying faster than she should be. I feel nothing but sympathy for her and do what I can. She's not a mean drunk really either, just more of a blubbering mess. I don't have to live with her though, so I guess it's harder for partners.

I should add that she's an extremely intelligent and educated woman who used to have a good career but she lost that due to alcohol. She is kind hearted and lovely and interesting to chat to. But she just seems lost to this.

My mother was like yours OP and like you, I felt she was selfish. It's horrible growing up in a house with a parent who won't control or stop their drinking. I was massively resentful and hurt and yes, damaged.
It took me a long time to understand its not as simple as just deciding to stop. My mother suffered anxiety but wasn't the type to seek help. She self medicated with alcohol and felt relief whilst drinking.
I found out about her early life and discovered it had been really difficult. I think we sometimes forget our parents were and are people in their own right and not just a mum or a dad.
I doubt anyone goes into parenthood planning to be a shit parent or an alcoholic but some people can't cope with their life.
It's not as simple as saying they have a choice because they don't believe they do.
My mother died many years ago but I stopped feeling resentful and started to feel sad for her.

As to the OP saying your Mum doesn't want help. My dear friend appears not to want help but she begs me for help some evenings and there is nothing I can do. She desperately wants to stop but by the time morning comes around, she has already drank again and loses the will to go to appointments etc.

@shecamefromgreece

"SDTG but I don't understand how at the point you start to really NEED a drink rather than just wanting it wouldn't raise a flag?"

What about anorexics? Isn't it obvious that severely restricting food intake is bad for you? Shouldn't you just realise and then go eat a decent meal?

There tends not to be a clear line - on Monday you're fine with just one glass of wine, on Tuesday you drink the whole bottle and are now an alcoholic. It's a blurred line, something that creeps up on you. And you don't have a problem you're just a bit stressed at the moment, you'll be fine next week. Next month...

@shecamefromgreece - I would say that, if someone has reached the point where they NEED to drink, it is already too late, and they are addicted.

@TreeFu - it sounds as if your mum isn’t at rock bottom yet. She hasn’t reached the point where she makes the decision to stop. I honestly get how heartbreaking this is for you - she is choosing alcohol over you, t is awful for you. I hope that, one day, she reaches the point where she realises she has to change, and that, when she reaches that point, she also realises how much damage her alcoholism has done to you and to your relationship with her.

Until that point, you should put yourself first - by all means look after your brother, and do what you can to help him deal with her shit, but prioritise yourself - you deserve it.

Thank you all so much for your replies, compassion and sharing your own experiences. I do understand why some earlier posters might have felt my OP was ignorant.

I wrote it in anger, I called DM this morning at 10am to remind her about Dbros birthday on Monday (as if she'd need reminding but she does) and she was as pissed as a fart. I'll no doubt have to subsidise her meal out if I want her to attend as by Monday she'll have spent the remainder of her benefits on booze as she's already binging.

I can't say for certain that she's had the most fulfilling life in terms of luxury or careers but it hasn't been a bad one, my grandparents were wonderful people and gave her an upbringing I could have only dreamt of. They were never rich in money but she has nothing but happy memories, I can't say the same about my own life.

At the risk of sounding as though I feel sorry for myself (and I do a bit) I've had a shit time of it from day one. I was neglected, dragged up with awful parenting provisions, exposed to things no child should be, went through domestic and sexual abuse at an early age, suffered losses etc. Despite all of that I've turned out OK and even if I were struggling with my past would never abuse alcohol or even turn to it in order to deal with my demons. My DS has always come first and I never did.

I'm grown now but I still long for a normal mother and daughter relationship where I can chat with her over coffee and be given motherly advice. I'm expecting my second baby and feel as though I "need" my mum, a mum.

I feel as though she should count herself lucky that I'm even still interested in a relationship with her but instead her focus is alcohol.

She should count herself lucky OP. Absolutely she should. I've all but walked away from my alcoholic DF and he doesn't sound as bad as your DM.

Sometimes you have to put yourself first and protect your own sanity and health. An alcoholic certainly isn't going to do that for you.

If something is a disease, you have little control over it. You deserve sympathy

If something is a choice, you do have control over it, and you can be blamed.

You are (rightly) angry at her. Thus perhaps you see it as if it’s a disease you can’t be ‘allowed’ to be angry at her?

You are allowed to be angry.

OP what a shame, it sounds like your mum was not great in more ways than one and continues to prioritise herself and doesn't see what damage she's causing.

I don't think it really matters whether we define this as a disease, an illness or her being bloody minded (or all of those), the person who is being hurt is you.

I wouldn't remind her about your brother's birthday and I wouldn't go out with her near alcohol. I'd stop protecting him from the truth- let's face it you won't be able to keep it up anyway for years, so he's going to find out and perhaps it's also his choice about whether he wants that stress in his life.

I get it- you need a mum. No wonder you are angry. I don't know how you can get some of this anger out, perhaps try al-anon for families of people with alcohol disorders, you also sound like you could use someone to talk with, a therapist perhaps.

This isn't your fault and I don't think you can control it going forwards either. Hugs to you.

Addiction is an illness. Simple as that.

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/

OP, I found this website really useful and supportive. I couldn’t go to any al anon meetings as I had two small children when I was living with my ex. But this helped me realise I had to stop worrying about how I could help him, and start looking after myself and the kids.
It may be helpful for you too? Good luck. Please focus on you and your boundaries.