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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH not to smoke before getting in the car? (Pregnancy)

138 replies

AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:02

I’m a non-smoker and was raised in a house of non-smokers so I’ve never liked or been “used to” the smell. I have generally shied away from being in situations where someone is smoking and wouldn’t let anyone smoke in my house.

I am now nearly 30w pregnant and have been more sensitive it (a) because I’m more sensitive to the smell and (b) because i worry about the risk of SIDS etc which I understand is increased by second hand smoke and even a parent being in the room with smoke on their clothes.

I have discussed this with DH and honestly I did have the impression he would try to stop or cut down and he sort of said “the more you go on at me the less likely I am to stop” so I tried to be relaxed about it. He doesn’t smoke in the house but can be a bit reckless about, for example, smoking by the door so it all blows in.

Anyway he hasn’t stopped or shown signs of cutting down. I haven’t gone on about it but I have said I don’t want it around me eg smoking and then coming to bed without having a shower. This seemed to be the compromise and he was doing it for a bit and even ending up sleeping in the other room partly sometimes probably because he could be bothered to have a shower but now he just gets in our bed next to me after smoking.

We currently share a car (at his insistence after his car died and I didn’t want to share a car) and I’m now driving to work and parking there (rather than us both getting the train) as it’s easier for me now I’m in my third trimester.

I am getting really annoyed and upset and he is repeatedly smoking IMMEDIATELY before he gets in the car for us to go to work. It smells so strong that it’s unpleasant to me and I worry that I shouldn’t be breathing that in while pregnant. Most mornings this week I’ve opened the windows for the first 10-15 mins for some fresh air but it’s not enough and also unpleasant as it’s cold. Tonight he did it before we set off home too but it has been raining a lot so I didn’t open the windows.

I don’t know enough about the risk to baby to know whether it really is a risk. If I’m smelling it SO much surely I am breathing something in? And also surely he should have regard to it being unpleasant for me?

The other thing is I worry nothing is going to change before the baby comes as he’s showing no signs of slowing down and I’ve definitely read and the midwife told us both that having smoke on his clothes and skin increases risk of SIDS.

DH acts like I’m being silly. I don’t know whether he really thinks that or just doesn’t want to stop smoking!

AIBU?

I know I’m being a bit hangry and tired about it but the whole thing is bothering me and has been for a while.

OP posts:
legolimb · 30/11/2018 20:04

Its quite inconsiderate of him. I know know how dangerous second hand smoke smells are but YANBU to ask him to keep away straight after a cigarette.

brighteyeowl17 · 30/11/2018 20:05

Tell him to grow up. Baby comes first!

Wolfiefan · 30/11/2018 20:05

He smokes. He smoked when you got together. He didn’t discuss trying to stop when you were TTC. You can’t make him.
Smelling smoke on his clothes won’t be a massive risk during pregnancy. What’s be planning on doing when the baby arrives?

Mumshappy · 30/11/2018 20:05

I think your being a bit paranoid tbh. I asked my gp about the smoke on clothes things and he said its scaremongering. As long as he doesnt smoke indoors or around the baby then its ok

Mumshappy · 30/11/2018 20:07

Hes less likely to stop the more you make a massive issue about it. If you leave him be he might decide to stop for himself

Original poster
AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:08

He actually stopped smoking and started again immediately after we started living together. I have always felt strongly about smoking and for that reason he does smoke outside but he says he likes that I had that effect as it does mean he smokes a bit less.

But surely I have a right not to be exposed to it just as he has a right to smoke? I can’t make him stop smoking but I shouldn’t have to feel like I can’t even breathe properly on the way to work.

I worry that he won’t change when the baby is here but I feel that id tell him he’s not holding baby if he’s been smoking and. To changing his clothes or having a shower. Surely minimum risk to baby is the most important thing?

OP posts:
Neverenoughspoons · 30/11/2018 20:10

That sounds horrid for you, and I sympathise a lot! I think you need to decide how important it is to you, and if necessary give him an ultimatum. I personally couldn’t have someone around my newborn who was smoking daily. I think I’ve read that the smoke stays on clothes and skin for around 4 hours. So if he’s smoking regularly throughout the day, he’ll always be covered in second hand smoke.

Original poster
AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:11

Hes less likely to stop the more you make a massive issue about it. If you leave him be he might decide to stop for himself

I thought this and that’s why I’ve left it but it’s gett worse. Before he was at least not getting into our bed immediately after smoking and things like that but now he does and he gets in the car and he clearly has no intention of changing.

I am a little bit anxious and v risk averse when it comes to this pregnancy in particular. We have also had arguments about whether it’s ok for me to eat meat that may be past it’s best by and my view is it’s not worth the risk if I’m not sure when it went out of date!

OP posts:
Mumshappy · 30/11/2018 20:12

But he smoked before you got pregnant? You cant tell people what they can and cant do. Im concerned your going to get so stressed about this that you wont enjoy baby. He will then smoke more as he will be stressed too

Wolfiefan · 30/11/2018 20:13

He was a smoker when you get together. You tolerated it then. You can’t suddenly demand he stops.
Perhaps consider what concessions he would be prepared to make when the baby arrives.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/11/2018 20:15

You married a smoker, you conceived a baby with a smoker bit late to tell him to stop now. If you dont want to be around a smoker or have your baby around a smoker you are with the wrong partner

Original poster
AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:15

He can smoke if he wants but I can also choose not to...

He can carry on. But if he insists on sharing a car (which he did) I don’t think it’s fair that he makes me uncomfortable by stinking the whole way there, regardless of whether he smokes before 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:17

I just don’t want him to smoke immediately before before getting in the car which is not the same as expecting him not to smoke suddenly

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 30/11/2018 20:17

So he can smoke but never within 4 hours of being in a car with you? Or should he shower and change and clean his teeth before getting in the car?
You’ve chosen to have a baby with a smoker.

Original poster
AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:19

The shower and change relates to baby and is what I have been advised by my midwife

The smoking IMMEDIATELY before is a different issue. Yes I married a smoker. He married a non-smoker. Why is what he wants more important?

I fear you are missing the point @wolfiefan?

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 30/11/2018 20:21

You chose to marry and have a child with a smoker. Live with it. Or don't.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/11/2018 20:22

What he wants isnt more or less important. You cannot expect him to change. He smokes you knew that. If it bothers you that much you shouldn't of married him

Mumshappy · 30/11/2018 20:22

Baby wont have smoke on their clothes unless he smoked with baby present.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 30/11/2018 20:24

My DH was a smoker when we met, and like you, I was horribly sensitive to the smell when I was pregnant. There were many times I went into the spare room if I could smell smoke on him.

It's equally your right to say "I don't want you around our baby smelling of smoke" however. And I'd refuse to let him in the car if he's just smoked. That's just basic consideration and he's showing you none.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/11/2018 20:27

I'm astonished by the responses you're getting here. Living with a smoker is a risk factor for a baby and there's some evidence that secondhand smoke is dangerous in pregnancy - why would he want to take the risk even if it is tiny? If it were you who were putting smoking above the health of your baby you'd be absolutely pilloried. His response ('I won't do it if you go on about it') is incredibly immature - he sounds like a sulky teenager talking to his mum.

Also, even if he does think the risk is overblown (and again, why take it?) he should care about the fact that he's making his pregnant partner sit in an environment she finds really unpleasant every day. That he doesn't care about that really doesn't bode well - if he won't put himself out for you and the baby then life with him and a newborn is going to be tough.

Mumshappy · 30/11/2018 20:27

You cant realistically stop a father from being round a baby though because they smell of smoke. Smoking around the baby wouldnt even be a legitimate reason to stop contact if they were separated.

Original poster
AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:27

I’m not sure how these “you chose to marry a smoker” fit in with him knowing I was a non-smoker and didn’t want to breath it in. I have also been very clear and open about not wanting to raise my child with a smoker. I didn’t move in while he smoked. I then moved in and married him and he started smoking again. I didn’t divorce him because of it but it doesn’t mean I agreed to it.

I just think he can make his own way to work / get his own car and we will deal with the smoking around baby when we get to that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:28

It’s not about smoke on baby clothes it’s about smoke on parents clothes

OP posts:
Mumshappy · 30/11/2018 20:30

You said the shower and change relates to baby

Oldraver · 30/11/2018 20:30

People who smoke will never understand how much smoke lingers and quite frankly how abhorrent the smell is to those who don't smoke, and will accuse you of being over sensitive

OH used to do the smoking before getting into the car not realising he was bringing the stench with him until he was told

Yes it does make you feel like your nagging but he takes on board and adjusts his smoking. I had to explain that him going off for a fag after a meal then bringing in the smell totally ruined a nice meal out... he now goes for a wander.

Is your DH willing to make any adjustments at all ?