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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH not to smoke before getting in the car? (Pregnancy)

138 replies

AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:02

I’m a non-smoker and was raised in a house of non-smokers so I’ve never liked or been “used to” the smell. I have generally shied away from being in situations where someone is smoking and wouldn’t let anyone smoke in my house.

I am now nearly 30w pregnant and have been more sensitive it (a) because I’m more sensitive to the smell and (b) because i worry about the risk of SIDS etc which I understand is increased by second hand smoke and even a parent being in the room with smoke on their clothes.

I have discussed this with DH and honestly I did have the impression he would try to stop or cut down and he sort of said “the more you go on at me the less likely I am to stop” so I tried to be relaxed about it. He doesn’t smoke in the house but can be a bit reckless about, for example, smoking by the door so it all blows in.

Anyway he hasn’t stopped or shown signs of cutting down. I haven’t gone on about it but I have said I don’t want it around me eg smoking and then coming to bed without having a shower. This seemed to be the compromise and he was doing it for a bit and even ending up sleeping in the other room partly sometimes probably because he could be bothered to have a shower but now he just gets in our bed next to me after smoking.

We currently share a car (at his insistence after his car died and I didn’t want to share a car) and I’m now driving to work and parking there (rather than us both getting the train) as it’s easier for me now I’m in my third trimester.

I am getting really annoyed and upset and he is repeatedly smoking IMMEDIATELY before he gets in the car for us to go to work. It smells so strong that it’s unpleasant to me and I worry that I shouldn’t be breathing that in while pregnant. Most mornings this week I’ve opened the windows for the first 10-15 mins for some fresh air but it’s not enough and also unpleasant as it’s cold. Tonight he did it before we set off home too but it has been raining a lot so I didn’t open the windows.

I don’t know enough about the risk to baby to know whether it really is a risk. If I’m smelling it SO much surely I am breathing something in? And also surely he should have regard to it being unpleasant for me?

The other thing is I worry nothing is going to change before the baby comes as he’s showing no signs of slowing down and I’ve definitely read and the midwife told us both that having smoke on his clothes and skin increases risk of SIDS.

DH acts like I’m being silly. I don’t know whether he really thinks that or just doesn’t want to stop smoking!

AIBU?

I know I’m being a bit hangry and tired about it but the whole thing is bothering me and has been for a while.

OP posts:
LadyinLavende · 30/11/2018 20:31

I was raised in a similar sort of household as you, OP and I avoid being with people who smoke as much as I can becaus eI loathe the smell.
This means I understand why you don't want someone smoking immediately before they get in your car. However, I only ever dated one smoker (a medical student who should have known better....) and his smoking turned out to be a deal breaker. You made a strange choice when you chose to live with and then conceive a child with a smoker..... only you can decide whether you are prepared to put up with it, but it's a bit late to be complaining about your OH smoking now you are carrying his child.

lily2403 · 30/11/2018 20:33

I feel for you as I hate smoking...yuck
And it is correct that second hand smoke is a sids risk, especially if you want to co sleep.

I personally wouldn’t even date a smoker

AhNowTed · 30/11/2018 20:33

I'm not jumping on the 'you married a smoker' bandwagon, but seriously...

He doesn't smoke in the house, and as long as he doesn't smoke indoors I don't see the problem

CardsforKittens · 30/11/2018 20:37

I'm an ex smoker and I vape instead now. Is that something your DH would consider? Coming off nicotine is next to impossible unless the person is really determined to quit.

Onestep2 · 30/11/2018 20:38

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable.

Smoking is an addiction and not as easy as just to quit. He doesn't smoke around you or in the house and doesn't sit inside the car smoking beside you and I highly doubt that he will smoke over the baby. Understand you don't like the smell but unless you want to divorce him you will need to suck it up as I don't think ultimatiums will help.

Have you maybe tried to compromise with a vape pen?

PlinkPlink · 30/11/2018 20:41

What an inconsiderate prick!

I used to be with a smoker. Stress = more likely to smoke.

If he's not cutting down now, he sure as shit isn't going to cut down when you have a newborn baby in the house. Stressful, exhausting, tiring but also overwhelming lovely and beautiful (you'll be totally in love with baby).

You need to make things clear I think OP. He is not to stand in the door and let it blow in. He is not to smoke in the car just before you get in. Any other time, fine! Just not right before you get in! I don't care whether second smoke is scaremongering or not... you're pregnant and you have a sensitive sense of smell... What he is doing is inconsiderate! He's clearly NOT quitting so the least he can do is accommodate those stipulations.

MrsTerryPratcett · 30/11/2018 20:42

I've never seen any evidence of third hand smoke (smoke on clothes and hair) being a risk to pregnancy.

However, you do discuss boundaries and needs to relationships. Have you actually spelled it out to him. "When you get in the car just after smoking it makes me anxious and I hate the smell. Could you please leave it ten minutes before you get into the car?" And stick to it every time?

I'm a tiny bit concerned with the fact that he seems to be getting his way a lot. Does he make compromises for you?

Drogosnextwife · 30/11/2018 20:43

First you said you married a smoker then you said he started again after you married him, so which is it?
You can't make someone have a shower everytime they have a cigarette. Leave it a while before picking the baby up yes but going for a shower and changing clothes everytime, bit much.
I think the smell of someone after a fag is repulsive and I smoked for years. Also made me extremely sick while pregnant which I'm glad of because it made me give up easily.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/11/2018 20:44

Hi OP

I believe that the general advice is not to smoke and then pick up / have close contact with a baby soon after. I'm sure you will be able to find reputable sources on Google but it may be better coming from someone else - could you mention it to the midwife and ask him to come to the next visit and she can bring it up? It's one thing to avoid your wife 'nagging', it's another to ignore the advice of a health professional

Original poster
AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:46

This is the thing I feel like I am always compromising. For things that are important to him I’m expected to give in but when it’s the other way around I’m bagging it I ask anything.

Those saying I chose to live with a smoker. I didn’t! He had not been smoking for two years when we got married and moved in together (I moved in when we got married).

Divorcing him because he’d started smoking again would seem a bit harsh.

I don’t think it’s asking a lot to to not smoke immediately before we set off to work etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:47

You said the shower and change relates to baby

One of us had the wrong end of the stick.

I was saying MW said that if DH smokes then the smoke is ok his clothes and skin and it increase risk of SIDs to baby

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 30/11/2018 20:49

For things that are important to him I’m expected to give in but when it’s the other way around I’m bagging it I ask anything.

I'm not loving that. Couples' counselling? To get your boundaries firmed up a little before the baby comes.

Wolfiefan · 30/11/2018 20:50

If you had ever been a smoker you would understand that he may want to have a morning fix or a cigarette after work. He may have stopped when you moved in but he was a smoker before.
I can’t work out whether you are concerned about health risks or just don’t like it. The baby hasn’t been born yet. He won’t cause any harm to it whilst you’re pregnant.

Original poster
AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:51

We tried counselling and then got pregnant and thought we were really happy and stopped going! She wasn’t very good actually.

But it was hard to get him to go and I can’t imagine him agreeing to go again easily

OP posts:
ADastardlyThing · 30/11/2018 20:51

Get him a vaping thing so he can smoke that before he gets in the car, holds baby etc.

Creatureofthenight · 30/11/2018 20:52

I do sympathise, when I was pregnant I had to move seats on the bus if a smoker sat near me to avoid throwing up!
I’ve also seen the advice about not holding a baby after smoking without changing clothes. Could you ask HCP, if you have a “smoking coat” to go out in then don’t wear it in the house does that make a difference?
Tbh he should have tried to give up during your pregnancy, having a parent who smokes is a SIDS risk. He should definitely try vaping if he won’t give up.

Evilspiritgin · 30/11/2018 20:54

I wonder why he started up smoking again after starting to live with you

Wolfiefan · 30/11/2018 20:55

And this is why you should sort out issues and establish expectations before having a family.
But sure. Blame the counsellor. Hmm

MissConductUS · 30/11/2018 20:56

Is he willing to try nicotine replacement therapy (i.e. the gum or the patch) so that he exposes you to less second hand smoke?

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 30/11/2018 20:56

You are being a bit unreasonable about his current behaviour as you knew he smoked before you got pregnant. It would be considerate of him to wash his hands and brush his teeth before he gets in the car with you in the morning if he knows you are especially sensitive to the smell right now. I wouldn’t worry about any risk to your unborn child, it won’t pose any.

If you discussed him giving up before the baby is born, I can understand why you are a bit disappointed that he hasn’t. But as others have said, it’s an addiction and the sad reality is he is unlikely to give up any time soon as the birth of a child is stressful!

There is a risk to the baby from second hand smoke when it is born though. If he makes sure he changes his t-shirt/ jumper whenever he goes out to smoke so it isn’t on his clothes (he can have a smoking jumper he uses), washes his hands and brushes his teeth before he comes into contact with the baby any risk is minimized. It’s normal to feel vulnerable and worried when you are about to have a baby, but the risk can be managed so don’t worry about it.

My DH was similar in that he didn’t stop smoking when I was pregnant as promised. He eventually did when our child was 18 months old so there is hope. Try to keep a sense of perspective and not stress about it too much.

Original poster
AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:58

He isn’t interested in vaping

MW suggested a smoking coat so maybe he would do that but in the morning, because he goes to work in the clothes and coat he’s just been smoking in, that doesn’t help

I have talked to him and he knows I’m anxious and every time he just fobs me off and does it again and again and it just seems like he doesn’t care about I feel

Tonight he walked up to my office (where I’m parked) and was smoking when he arrived. He’d called 20 mins before saying he was done with work so he could have smoked then and it might not have smelled so pungent when we got in the car. There are usually compromises that can be reached but he just ignores me

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 30/11/2018 21:02

I’m not blaming counsellor for any of our issues.

She wasn’t very good. I could explain why but it’s not really relevant to the post.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 30/11/2018 21:03

You’re nagging. He’s sick of hearing it.
You’re complaining because you don’t like it but trying to guilt him into believing he’s hurting his unborn child.
Now? Stop nagging and let the man smoke. Plan what you will do when the baby arrives. Discuss like adults and come to an agreement.

MakeAHouseAHome · 30/11/2018 21:05

If smoking is such a big deal to you as you claim it to be you wouldn't even be with someone who smoked.

I would never even consider dating someone who smoked because it is that important to me.

Yoh knew he snoked when you met him/committed to him. You can't expect him to suddenly quit if you accepted it then.

Original poster
AliceRR · 30/11/2018 21:05

I’m sick of hearing / reading you! You could just post one constructive thing rather than lots in an effort to wind up someone already upset.

I agree we need to just reach agreement but my DH won’t discuss it. He just dismissed what I say and carries on so obviously I’m upset by it.

OP posts: