To expect DH not to smoke before getting in the car? (Pregnancy)

[AliceRR]

I’m a non-smoker and was raised in a house of non-smokers so I’ve never liked or been “used to” the smell. I have generally shied away from being in situations where someone is smoking and wouldn’t let anyone smoke in my house.

I am now nearly 30w pregnant and have been more sensitive it (a) because I’m more sensitive to the smell and (b) because i worry about the risk of SIDS etc which I understand is increased by second hand smoke and even a parent being in the room with smoke on their clothes.

I have discussed this with DH and honestly I did have the impression he would try to stop or cut down and he sort of said “the more you go on at me the less likely I am to stop” so I tried to be relaxed about it. He doesn’t smoke in the house but can be a bit reckless about, for example, smoking by the door so it all blows in.

Anyway he hasn’t stopped or shown signs of cutting down. I haven’t gone on about it but I have said I don’t want it around me eg smoking and then coming to bed without having a shower. This seemed to be the compromise and he was doing it for a bit and even ending up sleeping in the other room partly sometimes probably because he could be bothered to have a shower but now he just gets in our bed next to me after smoking.

We currently share a car (at his insistence after his car died and I didn’t want to share a car) and I’m now driving to work and parking there (rather than us both getting the train) as it’s easier for me now I’m in my third trimester.

I am getting really annoyed and upset and he is repeatedly smoking IMMEDIATELY before he gets in the car for us to go to work. It smells so strong that it’s unpleasant to me and I worry that I shouldn’t be breathing that in while pregnant. Most mornings this week I’ve opened the windows for the first 10-15 mins for some fresh air but it’s not enough and also unpleasant as it’s cold. Tonight he did it before we set off home too but it has been raining a lot so I didn’t open the windows.

I don’t know enough about the risk to baby to know whether it really is a risk. If I’m smelling it SO much surely I am breathing something in? And also surely he should have regard to it being unpleasant for me?

The other thing is I worry nothing is going to change before the baby comes as he’s showing no signs of slowing down and I’ve definitely read and the midwife told us both that having smoke on his clothes and skin increases risk of SIDS.

DH acts like I’m being silly. I don’t know whether he really thinks that or just doesn’t want to stop smoking!

AIBU?

I know I’m being a bit hangry and tired about it but the whole thing is bothering me and has been for a while.

Honestly OP, I’d leave. The smoking isn’t the issue here, it’s a symptom. He is inherently selfish and doesn’t care about you or your baby enough to stop doing something that is physically harmful to all 3 of you. That isn’t going to change after your baby arrives, if anything I expect he’ll use it as an excuse to get out of anything he doesn’t want to do. Hold the sleeping baby so you can have a shower? He can’t, he’s just had a cigarette. Put baby to sleep so you can watch the rest of your TV show? He can’t, he’s just had a cigarette. Etc etc. Get out now.

He's an inconsiderate arse hole. All the posters who say you married him as a smoker so you can't ask him to change is just bollox, he married a non pregnant woman, so now you are pregnant, he should adapt. Time to not put his own needs and addictions first.

Also, how many times does the OP have to explain that he had quit smoking when they got married/she moved in and then he started again?? Ergo, she did not, in fact, marry a smoker. She married an ex-smoker who started again after she was legally bound to him.

He doesn't want to give up at all does he? I think it was extremely unfair to start up again once you have moved in. That sort of seems a bit underhand.

I think it is one thing finding it hard to give up a nasty addiction like nicotine but it is quite another to:

1 not even try
2 not discuss it
3 smoke just before getting in the car
4 not to listen to you when you ask him not to smoke just before getting in the car
5 refusing to talk about the issue
6 smokinig outdoors but letting the smoke waft in the door
7 not getting his own car
8 not caring about stinking
9 being a general selfish arse.

What is he like in other areas of your relationship? Because he sounds horrible IMO. Does he show he cares in other ways? How does he feel about the surprise pregnancy? Is he not ready to embrace the sacrifices of parenthood? I don't like him

he married a non pregnant woman, so now you are pregnant, he should adapt. Time to not put his own needs and addictions first.

I couldn’t agree more!

Women have to give up things or change their life styles a fair bit when they become pregnant and are carrying a baby. Fairly often random people feel it’s their place to comment on what a pregnant woman is buying or doing. BUT, trying to ask a man to change even such a simple thing as this, and its often seen as being unreasonable. Men should be allowed to continue their lives completely unaffected.

Thanks @graphista You remind me of a friend of mine who feels similarly strongly about smoking and her career is in science so we have had some discussions about it.

Thanks for the links too. I will have a look and see what I can show DH as he seemed to be suggesting the evidence was unclear and it was just what the nhs and midwives chose to support... If I can find something clear to show him then that argument is gone and it might help.

I do feel strongly about it too but it’s hard when you are in that position and DH now smokes. I know he smoked before but he did stop and I considered him a non-smoker by the time we got married and started living together. I didn’t go on at him as I know what he’s like and he does tend to switch off if he thinks I’m nagging so I thought we’d address it if the time came when we were to have a baby...

We discussed it more, possibly more calmly after her had his cigarette(!) and I think he realised I am struggling a bit too so we’ll see how it goes next week.

The train station is a mile away so, while not ideal, it is walking distance.

I do think his attitude is a problem. I see it as mainly a communication problem or a real difficulty with compromising as he tends to always see what HE is doing for me or what I have asked of him but doesn’t realise he asks things of me every day and I do them like the trivial examples I used above. He is getting better though and he is making more effort since I’ve veen pregnant to consider me so I am trying to focus on the positive too.

Perhaps I should update you all on Monday morning as to whether he smoked immediately before getting into the car!

Please do. You may need some more support.

It certainly sounds like you and he needs some more discussions.

That isn’t going to change after your baby arrives, if anything I expect he’ll use it as an excuse to get out of anything he doesn’t want to do.

You might be right

What is he like in other areas of your relationship? Because he sounds horrible IMO. Does he show he cares in other ways? How does he feel about the surprise pregnancy? Is he not ready to embrace the sacrifices of parenthood? I don't like him

Your post made me laugh and I agree with everything you said. I have found him difficult generally to be honest and I’d by lying if I said we haven’t had issues. We have actually been a lot better since we found out I’m pregnant. It wasn’t a complete surprise in that I wanted a baby and we had been talking about it and I hadn’t been on the Pill anyway (for other reasons) but it kind of was a surprise. I actually think he’s really happy about it but he doesn’t deal with stress well. We both have stressful jobs and we are looking at buying a house (hopefully moving before baby arrives) which had been stressful at times and obviously a baby is a big change too and so he has been stressed and he does tend to take it out on me. It’s probbaly also leading him to smoke more which in turn creates more stress for me as I’m worrying about effect on baby and generally being annoyed by it. Plus I’m hormonal and emotional about almost everything.

I totally sympathise. I have always hated smoking since my dad had a huge stroke from all the years of it. Like you, I have a baby with a smoker. It didn't bother me at first but since baby has arrived I can't stand it. I hold more of a grudge that I had given up so much when I was pregnant, and more so now I'm bf as baby is allergic to so many foods that pass through my milk. Plus it is extortionate and ends up in smoke! We'd be bankrupt if I spent the same monthly! Anyway rant over, he does understand to shower/brush teeth etc but I am trying to focus more on the health side of things. There are so many health risks to himself for smoking let alone you and baby that would devastate your family should something
happen. Try reminding him of that x

Op your friends perspective doesn't surprise me. I'm an ex nurse I worked primarily in elderly nursing, this meant I was mostly nursing people who'd been heavy smokers, who were of a generation/generations who not only didn't know of the dangers but we're actually told by doctors it was good for them (and to be fair the Drs thought at the time this was correct at least in part due to the HUGE cover up by tobacco companies). Most of them had conditions that are now known to be directly related to smoking or smoking massively increases the risk of them getting. Numerous cancers, lung disease, heart disease, clotting disorders honestly what I saw I would think enough to put the most hardened smoker off.

I honestly think if it were ethical it would be a damn good idea to introduce young people to elderly people who smoked heavily & let them witness the effects.

There's been a lot of posts saying the op is being too harsh, expecting too much of her dh - I consider that pro the smoker, which is a disgusting attitude I think. As a few pp have pointed out its not just that the issue is smoking, it's that he is extremely unwilling to compromise.

Personally I'm also not a fan of vaping. We don't know NEARLY enough of the possible dangers & long term effects not only on vapers but on those passively vaping. As an asthmatic I've had asthma attacks triggered by the supposedly "harmless" vapour produced. The supposed research that "proves" it's harmless has mostly been funded if not carried out by vaping manufacturers some of whom are tobacco companies.

I'm very supportive of the govts steps to reduce smoking generally, specifically in public places, at 46 I well remember when it was EVERYWHERE inc hospitals and workplaces, thank goodness that's changed! I hope that in my lifetime we might even reach a point where it's just not done any more.

Tempering myself - maybe focus on the positives of his quitting? More money, more energy (you need that with kids! Is he the type who's going to want to play sports, go swimming, run around with your kids?), fewer coughs & colds, not smelling rank!, not getting the cravings after a point...

www.thefix.com/content/smoking-no-stress-reliever91098

YANBU. A smoker will always reek to someone who doesn’t smoke. I would hate this. And when the baby is born, if he holds the baby - which obviously he will, the baby will smell of smoke too. Even if this isn’t dangerous, it is truly horrid to have your baby’s natural smell overlaid with anything, but stale smoke would be yuk. If your husband gave up before, he really should be giving it totally his best shot now. His failure to try and then try to blame you for it, by saying if you keep on at him he won’t do it, is utterly pathetic.
I don’t know what to suggest, but given all the things pregnant women have to do/give up when pregnant Id flipping demand he do something.

Thanks

We are at least in good terms now but we’ll see what happens

The friend I mentioned who is v anti smoking around children / pregnant women is suggesting I move out for a few days but that isn’t something I really want to do. I’d be more likely to tell him he can’t get in the car with me if he’s just smoked.