To expect DH not to smoke before getting in the car? (Pregnancy)

[AliceRR]

I’m a non-smoker and was raised in a house of non-smokers so I’ve never liked or been “used to” the smell. I have generally shied away from being in situations where someone is smoking and wouldn’t let anyone smoke in my house.

I am now nearly 30w pregnant and have been more sensitive it (a) because I’m more sensitive to the smell and (b) because i worry about the risk of SIDS etc which I understand is increased by second hand smoke and even a parent being in the room with smoke on their clothes.

I have discussed this with DH and honestly I did have the impression he would try to stop or cut down and he sort of said “the more you go on at me the less likely I am to stop” so I tried to be relaxed about it. He doesn’t smoke in the house but can be a bit reckless about, for example, smoking by the door so it all blows in.

Anyway he hasn’t stopped or shown signs of cutting down. I haven’t gone on about it but I have said I don’t want it around me eg smoking and then coming to bed without having a shower. This seemed to be the compromise and he was doing it for a bit and even ending up sleeping in the other room partly sometimes probably because he could be bothered to have a shower but now he just gets in our bed next to me after smoking.

We currently share a car (at his insistence after his car died and I didn’t want to share a car) and I’m now driving to work and parking there (rather than us both getting the train) as it’s easier for me now I’m in my third trimester.

I am getting really annoyed and upset and he is repeatedly smoking IMMEDIATELY before he gets in the car for us to go to work. It smells so strong that it’s unpleasant to me and I worry that I shouldn’t be breathing that in while pregnant. Most mornings this week I’ve opened the windows for the first 10-15 mins for some fresh air but it’s not enough and also unpleasant as it’s cold. Tonight he did it before we set off home too but it has been raining a lot so I didn’t open the windows.

I don’t know enough about the risk to baby to know whether it really is a risk. If I’m smelling it SO much surely I am breathing something in? And also surely he should have regard to it being unpleasant for me?

The other thing is I worry nothing is going to change before the baby comes as he’s showing no signs of slowing down and I’ve definitely read and the midwife told us both that having smoke on his clothes and skin increases risk of SIDS.

DH acts like I’m being silly. I don’t know whether he really thinks that or just doesn’t want to stop smoking!

AIBU?

I know I’m being a bit hangry and tired about it but the whole thing is bothering me and has been for a while.

What is third hand smoke? Second hand smoke is when someone is smoking beside you/in the same room.. Oh are people trying to say the unborn baby is inhaling third hand smoke? Jesus, better never leave the house when your pregnant so..
What with car fumes and pollution. It's a wonder the human race has survived

Third hand smoke is the toxins come off a person and their clothes when they have been smoking.

Wolfiefan if you reread my message you will find it says google brings up lots of studies that have been peer reviewed. I prefer to use the sources scientific investigation that have been critical assessed by others rather than the questionable comment of one GP.

Even if the risk is very small, why take it? It's one change she's asking him to make alongside the absolute upending of everything that is having a baby.

My concern would also be that things will get worse after the baby is born. He might be really diligent about washing his hands and changing his top (which is the advice given - that no one should smoke and hold a baby without doing this) to begin with, but realistically is he going to keep doing that multiple times a day every day? And as the baby gets older it's going to become impractical for him never to smoke around them - what happens when he has them alone? How do you supervise a toddler while never smoking around them if you can't go a day without a cigarette?

@Jackshouse

My google brings up very few items on third hand smoke and definitely not peer reviewed. I have checked google scholar and there are a few, however of the first six I have skim read, not a single one claims to present any medical evidence on this topic. In fact they mainly say it is little researched. I am in FT education at the moment so I have utilised my university's library search and there is not one single article or journal on it.

OP you are being unreasonable. He has compromised, he doesn't smoke in house or car or around you and I am sure he won't around the baby. That is going to have to do. If you don't want your baby to smell things occasionally you are going t have to find a bubble to live in.

Third-hand smoke is just emerging as a research topic. The effects are hard to quantify (atm), but, given the overwhelming and well-researched impact of first- and second-hand smoke, it's very unlikely there will be none.

The video about halfway down this page is interesting www.nhsinform.scot/campaigns/take-it-right-outside

The video is about second hand smoke

Air pollution caused by cars.
Chemicals used around the house.
Mobile phone usage.
Crop spraying.
Artificial additives.
Carcinogens in BBQ meat.
Processed food.
Caffeine.
Would you eliminate all of that too?

It would be better if he didn’t smoke and third hand smoke wasn’t an issue in your lives. That looks unlikely to happen so you have to play the hand you are dealt. Most risks are from first and second hand smoke and the third hand smoke risks can be managed in an adequate way. Sure, the risk is absolutely 0, but it isn’t alarmingly high either. Everything carries a risk, transporting the baby in a car carries a risk. The third hand smoke risk posed is arguably not that concerning and the general medical advice is that it can be dealt with. Your child won’t be living in a house where the sofa and walls are covered in third hand smoke, your partner just needs to take some precautions.

Giving up is optimum of course. Maybe once the baby is here and the situation seems more real, he will be motivated into doing something. The fatherly parenting instincts tend to kick into action more after the baby is born than before.

Smoking is so disgusting I’m quite surprised you were even able to DTD with him in the first place to conceive the baby? Smokers absolutely reek. So stale and grim. The idea of one of them putting their tongue in my mouth... vom

That’s helpful @Whizbang

The issue really is he sounds unwilling to compromise or discuss any issues at all.

That’s your big problem.*

I agree.

Those saying I should have left. It’s one thing to not marry someone if they smoke but it’s bit extreme to leave because of it once married and I do believe in making things work. Also whilst I very much want a child I didn’t necessarily expect to get pregnant when I did.

Honestly? It sounds from reading this that you were having significant problems in your relationship. You got pregnant and entered a bit of a honeymoon phase and the cracks were papered over for a bit but now they're showing again. Or have I got that wrong?

You might be right and that’s partly why I am getting worked up about it.

Even if the risk is very small, why take it?

That’s my view. He can do what he wants really but I should have the choice of what risks I will and will not take but I feel he’s not giving me a choice by getting in the car repeatedly after doing the same thing.

Air pollution caused by cars.
Chemicals used around the house.
Mobile phone usage.
Crop spraying.
Artificial additives.
Carcinogens in BBQ meat.
Processed food.
Caffeine.
Would you eliminate all of that too?

Everything carries a risk, transporting the baby in a car carries a risk.

There are some things that are easier to eliminate than others. I accept many things I do in life pose some risk to me or my unborn child. I mentioned above I am careful about my diet and I have eliminated caffeinated drinks (no tea, coffee or even Cola, which has been hard when I’ve felt exhausted!). I’m careful about using bleach and stuff. I have used it but I actually just bought a steam cleaner so I can keep things clean and hygienic without chemicals! 😃 I use my mobile phone but I am actually a bit wary of where I have it eg I no longer keep it in my coat pocket as it’s near my bump! No doubt I am a little paranoid and over anxious but the point is I change the way I do things to try to keep baby as safe as I can. The thing with the smoking is he can still smoke but he can do it in a way that is not as bothersome to me.

Even without the baby risk it is inconsiderate when he could just smoke a bit earlier. What annoys me most is he won’t discuss it. He just dismissed what I say if I ask something he doesn’t want to do. But sharing the car at all, I didn’t want to do, and he insisted upon it until I agreed! So now I’m sharing a car cause it suits him and he’s not prepared to smoke 15 mins earlier (I do think even that would help) to make things a bit more comfortable for me.

I probably am making a big deal. I get that. I do think our biggest issue is communication and we sometimes both seem to feel like we’re compromising for the other person and it’s not appreciated.

There are lots of things he has been better at since I got pregnant so I don’t want to make out I see him completely as the bad guy and I am some sort of saint.

I feel a bit hormonal and emotional and stressed. I do seem to be suffering from some sort of anxiety when it comes to baby and I’m always worrying. I also have a stressful job and we are trying to move house and have managed to disagree about that too!

We have spoken since last night when I last brought it up and I feel a bit alone as DH obviously doesn’t share my anxieties, which is a good thing, but he treats me like I’m being silly when I’m just trying to do my best for him and our baby.

Thanks for all your responses

Smoking is so disgusting I’m quite surprised you were even able to DTD with him in the first place to conceive the baby? Smokers absolutely reek. So stale and grim. The idea of one of them putting their tongue in my mouth... vom envy

😬 He mostly showers before he gets in bed with me, or he did, but now he has obviously relaxed a bit on all of it.

'The video is about second hand smoke'

Not quite. It's about the persistence of first- and second-hand smoke once the cigarette has been put out. It's aimed at people who think that, as long as they're not actually smoking in the same room as their children, all is fine.
From the awareness of how 'second-hand' smoke lingers, it's not so much of a leap to assume that the smoke on clothes, breath etc. is also a problem.

I meant to say we haven’t spoken since last night.

It’s fine by him if I ask him not to do something and he does it but the fact that I’ve dated to make an issue of it is of course not acceptable...

The risk to your baby right now is negligible, but he should listen to you anyway. Firstly because you're pregnant and you hate the smell and it's distressing you. Secondly because once the baby is here, the risk increases, because he's going to have smoke in his clothes and in his breath and he needs to get used to not holding his child or being close to his child when so polluted. I say this as a smoker myself and not a pious "all smokers are evil" type. But he should grow the fuck up.

Gosh OP I really feel for you and can’t believe what unpleasant responses you’ve had on this thread.

Things DH has stopped doing around me during my pregnancies - putting on deodorant, drinking coffee, eating eggs, eating garlic... there’s a long and absurd list but the fact is that he humoured me in all these requests because the smell made me feel unwell and he loves me and has always shown a deep level of gratitude for being the one that carries and delivers our babies!

Look at hundreds of threads on here and it’s clear that the smell of cigarette smoke is particularly unpleasant to non smokers. It’s not even about the risk at this point. And now he’s not speaking to you?!
How much worse is this going to be once baby is born?

No we hadn’t spoken until just now. We just spoke again and he’s got angry and gone off to have a cigarette. He tends to get angry and not let me speak and doesn’t like me to have my say.

We talked about the health aspects and my view was even if the risks are not known I’d rather not take the risk. He wanted to see the scientific studies. I said fine we’ll have to find them (re risk to baby of smoke on his clothes when she is here) and we talked about other things.

His conclusion was I just should swallow this one as I apparently always get my way. I don’t.

In relation to the smoke simply being unpleasant for me, I then used the example of how if he doesn’t want to listen to a certain thing on the radio in the car he is g vocal about it and I end up switching it off. I used the example of the Big Bang Theory as it’s a show that’s oftrn on at the time I get home from work so it’s something I would put on even if I’ve seen the episode once or twice before. That annoyed DH, which I understand, so I stopped doing it. When I first raised the example he was saying yes exactly I “couldn’t” watch it again and I said yes you didn’t want to. He went on to say that he didn’t go on about it. He said he hasn’t mentioned it for months. I said “exactly!” but the reason you haven’t mentioned it is because I stopped watching it when you’re in the room because you don’t like.

I was of course going to go on to say that if he’s stopped smoking just before getting in the car then I wouldn’t have to mention that again but cause he keeps doing it it’s a different thing. Well I barely got to the end of that point as this was the stage he got angry and went off and told me I should know when to stop rather than continually wind him up...

I'll get flamed but I'm vehemently anti smoking, and honestly given you're pregnant and are having to make changes to how you care for your body, plus growing another human and all that entails frankly I think he's being bloody selfish AND he is putting you and baby at risk.

The risks of secondary & even tertiary smoke are now well known he has no excuses.

I'd be expecting him to quit altogether - certainly before baby is born.

At the very LEAST he needs to cut right down, not smoke in the house at all, not smoke immediately before entering car & stick to what you agreed re smoking & coming to bed.

He can go to Drs and get help with quitting/cutting down.

It's also a bloody waste of money - literally burning it when it sounds like you can't afford to be.

If he was previously getting train to work I'd be saying if he smokes just before you're about to set off he's not getting in (your) car he can get the bloody train!

www.nhs.uk/live-well/quit-smoking/passive-smoking-protect-your-family-and-friends/

And that's the least scary info I found. SIDS is not the only issue. It is NOT just a case of an unpleasant smell there are dangerous toxins emitted that cling to smokers clothes. Think sbout how you hold a baby, if a smoker holds a baby in clothes they've been smoking in the baby is then breathing in some awful chemicals that we KNOW are harmful to their health.

I'm shocked at the pro-smoker responses you're getting. The risks are WELL KNOWN it's not about op's rights over dh's to smoke it's an INNOCENT BABYS right to a healthy environment that doesn't put them at risk! Baby trumps selfish adult imo.

www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-is-third-hand-smoke/

Third hand smoke risk is hard to research because it's hard to separate it from second hand, if someone's being exposed to one they're likely also being exposed to the other.

Personally I don't think it's worth the risk.

"I wouldn’t worry about any risk to your unborn child, it won’t pose any." You know something the experts don't? At best they say 'we don't know' but most agree there IS a risk with smoking around or exposing pregnant women to the toxins (and that it can happen with secondary and tertiary exposure too).

I agree his attitude in general stinks (pun intended) being a parent is all about compromise & doing what's best for the child and frankly he seems not to give a shit about that!

"I bet you all a million pounds that Wolfiefan smokes or has smoked around children and is trying to minimise it. It's a disgusting, selfish thing to do and anyone who smokes around a child or (even worse) a baby should be utterly and completely ashamed." Totally agree

"Presumably you are going on maternity leave soon so the lift to work thing is likely to change anway" I'd be concerned he's going to drive the car - and smoke in it! The smoke will leave layers of toxins on the surfaces and in the fabric of the seats, which is virtually impossible to remove.

Ok pedro the levels of toxins in the air from things like exhausts is significantly less concentrated than when people are exposed to second hand/third hand smoke which is usually in confined spaces and a car is a very confined space.

I think he's being a selfish dick! As I said earlier it's not op v smoker dh it's baby v smoker dh and I'm on the baby's side!

The smoking is probably a very small risk to your unborn baby. A much bigger risk is your DH's attitude to you. He doesn't seem to respect you and that really doesn't bode well for the future, particularly if you are having a child together. I wouldn't necessarily leave him for the smoking but I'd certainly consider leaving him over the anger and disrespect. Your child shouldn't have to grow up in a home where his/her mother's needs and wishes are continually dismissed.

Graphista I don’t think any of the responses are ‘pro-smoking’, just sensible and pragmatic approaches to dealing with the issue as stated.

OP has made it very clear she doesn’t like it, but has no control over her partner and cannot MAKE him stop smoking. He has made it clear he does not intend to for now. What’s your answer? Shall she leave him and forbid him from ever seeing the child due to the risk smoking poses? Good luck with that, no court would every refuse contact on those grounds.

So you can carry on preaching how shitty the situation is to an expectant mother who has already made it clear how bad it makes her feel. What will that achieve precisely?

Dinosaur I never said pro smoking I said pro smoker - esp wolfie who I don't believe is a non smoker despite claims.

I didn't just say how bad the situation was I stated what I considered reasonable compromises too which I think op would be absolutely right to pursue even insist on. Her dh is barely compromising at all and his actions aren't affecting one person but 3!

I don’t smoke.
Neither does DH.
I wouldn’t have someone smoking in my house.
HTH
If someone hates smoking and can’t stand to be near the smell of smoke then that’s understandable. But then why would they decide to have a child with a smoker and then demand they stop.

He's a complete twat but you've sent him some mixed messages, haven't you?

He's probably not going to quit.

Your time to deal with this was the moment you realised he was smoking again.

Graphista, I also don't think the responses are pro smoking or pro smoker. I cannot abide smoking and have never even tried it as a teenager. I definitely would not have had a relationship with a smoker. Nobody is going to smoke in my house or car and I am well aware of the risk of secondary smoking.

But this is not what we are talking about here. OP married a smoker, who quite rightly does not smoke in house or car but she is upset about a smell. She married him and has to put up with his smell, it is not practical for him to shower after every cigarette.