To expect DH not to smoke before getting in the car? (Pregnancy)

[AliceRR]

I’m a non-smoker and was raised in a house of non-smokers so I’ve never liked or been “used to” the smell. I have generally shied away from being in situations where someone is smoking and wouldn’t let anyone smoke in my house.

I am now nearly 30w pregnant and have been more sensitive it (a) because I’m more sensitive to the smell and (b) because i worry about the risk of SIDS etc which I understand is increased by second hand smoke and even a parent being in the room with smoke on their clothes.

I have discussed this with DH and honestly I did have the impression he would try to stop or cut down and he sort of said “the more you go on at me the less likely I am to stop” so I tried to be relaxed about it. He doesn’t smoke in the house but can be a bit reckless about, for example, smoking by the door so it all blows in.

Anyway he hasn’t stopped or shown signs of cutting down. I haven’t gone on about it but I have said I don’t want it around me eg smoking and then coming to bed without having a shower. This seemed to be the compromise and he was doing it for a bit and even ending up sleeping in the other room partly sometimes probably because he could be bothered to have a shower but now he just gets in our bed next to me after smoking.

We currently share a car (at his insistence after his car died and I didn’t want to share a car) and I’m now driving to work and parking there (rather than us both getting the train) as it’s easier for me now I’m in my third trimester.

I am getting really annoyed and upset and he is repeatedly smoking IMMEDIATELY before he gets in the car for us to go to work. It smells so strong that it’s unpleasant to me and I worry that I shouldn’t be breathing that in while pregnant. Most mornings this week I’ve opened the windows for the first 10-15 mins for some fresh air but it’s not enough and also unpleasant as it’s cold. Tonight he did it before we set off home too but it has been raining a lot so I didn’t open the windows.

I don’t know enough about the risk to baby to know whether it really is a risk. If I’m smelling it SO much surely I am breathing something in? And also surely he should have regard to it being unpleasant for me?

The other thing is I worry nothing is going to change before the baby comes as he’s showing no signs of slowing down and I’ve definitely read and the midwife told us both that having smoke on his clothes and skin increases risk of SIDS.

DH acts like I’m being silly. I don’t know whether he really thinks that or just doesn’t want to stop smoking!

AIBU?

I know I’m being a bit hangry and tired about it but the whole thing is bothering me and has been for a while.

I didn’t commit to him while he smoked RTFt

I honestly don't know why you're getting such a hard time. It's really not unreasonable to think he might, and should, quit. Things change when you have a baby.

He won’t discuss it because you want him to stop now. He’s an adult. He was smoking before you moved in. He’s smoking now.
You sound belligerent and unreasonable. That’s why he won’t discuss it.

@Wolfiefan I’m not asking him not to smoke. Why do you think it’s so unreasonable of me not to want to breathe in smoke for my hour commute to and from work? I have actually barely mentioned it recently except the last three times he’s done it. I don’t go on and on as I know he doesn’t listen.

I’m concerned about your DH’s attitude in general, OP. He seems selfish, prioritising his own wishes over you and your unborn baby.
Children of smokers are more likely to smoke themselves when they grow up. Your DH will be a poor role model in this respect.
His cigarette addiction has a 50% chance of killing him prematurely and will impact on his health during his lifetime.
Children of smokers are more likely to suffer repeated ear and chest infections, and have an increased risk of cot death.
Your DH will also be spending large sums of money on his addiction rather than on your child.
I’d be having a discussion with him about which compromises he is prepared to make on becoming a parent - because it sounds to me like the answer is zero. I fear you will have two children - one baby and one sulky manchild.

Thanks @LisaSimpsonsbff Well I don’t expect everyone to agree with me but there’s actually just one person posting most of the negative stuff!

The thing is if he won’t stop (I think he should but I’m not asking that currently) I don’t see why he can’t just be a bit more considerate about it

So how does he smoke and not have it on his clothes? What’s your solution?

You must be well used to the smell of a smoker if you’re married to one. You say you refused to marry or move in while he smoked, but surely it occurred to you that people go back to their addictions and it was possible he would?

I’m 39 weeks with the third baby I’ve carried with DH smelling of smoke during all the pregnancies - myself quitting with a positive test in each one. My own mum cut down to 5 fags a day each pregnancy and had four healthy babies. I’m sure yours will be fine.

He just dismissed what I say and carries on so obviously I’m upset by it

The problem is, if you have had numerous discussions about this, it’s already a point of contention. You kind of reach a point where raising it again just gets the other person’s back up and they become very defensive. Especially with something like smoking that is very addictive so the approach isn’t always rational.

Maybe if you have a chat with him and make it clear that you accept for now that he will continue to smoke and you won’t make an issue about it as you understand he can’t quit right now (this is obviously the case and you may as well accept it). But make it clear you would like to have a workable agreement as to how you manage it in a way to minimize impact on you and the baby. He wins by knowing you aren’t going to go on about him quitting and you win as you at least have agreed boundaries.

I think he was always smoking. He just couldn't hide it when you moved in. I'd ban him from the bedroom and the car. Surely there's some good and respect in him?

OP, you're being more than reasonable - he's the one being totally unreasonable. He has a baby coming, he needs to take responsibility for his own health and his baby's. He shouldn't be smoking at all. End of. He's being a selfish bastard to continue at all.

You say you refused to marry or move in while he smoked, but surely it occurred to you that people go back to their addictions and it was possible he would?

So it's unreasonable for OP to expect her DH to take any responsibility or make any changes for his smoking, but she's at fault because she didn't psychically know he'd start smoking again?

So I understand it’s your car that’s become shared as his is broken and he won’t replace it.

So on that very simple basis, YANBU to not want someone stinking of fags, whilst pregnant, in the car during your commute. Presumably he can sleep 8 hours without needing to wake up for a fag - then I’m sure he could have a fag before dressing and wait for the next when he arrives at work.

I hate smoking. I would never get with someone who smoked as you can't make someone change. I think that's the point people are making when they are saying you married a smoker. Yes you don't smoke and he is not now asking you to smoke. But you are hoping he will stop. It's not the same thing.

Fwiw it's worth tho i am pregnant and scared to death about second hand smoke too so i sympathise with that.

He is getting smoke on you. You are going Into work smelling like smoke. That is going to negatively impact your career. If he can’t be bothered to protect you from his smoking, I would not be taking any risks on your financial future.

The doctor is going to advise that if he can’t be bothered to be a decent parent and quit smoking, the very minimum he can do is shower before being around the baby. Third hand smoke is a danger for infants.

If she’s that worked up over smoking, then frankly yes, LisaSimpsonsbff.

It sounds like she had to get him to quit by refusing to commit unless he did - so it’s not as though he even did it because he was sick of it. I’m not surprised he’s fallen off the wagon, it’s very easy to do even if you have quit entirely off your own back.

Smokers stink. Yes you knew he was a smoker when you met but as you say you’re more aware of it now, things have changed.

Smokers can do what they want but I had a friend who I gave lifts to regularly- not an issue. However when I picked her up she would stub out her fag as she got into the car. All I could then smell was the smoke on her in a confined space.

I had a word, she smoked outside 10 mins before I picked her up. Made a huge difference. Ironic thing is she never smokes in her house as she doesn’t like the smell!

Seriously @Wolfiefan the OP is pregnant, not in the best relationship and says she's a bit anxious. Any chance you could not be quite as harsh? Try having a fag. Might take the edge off.

I can empathise. He smell of smoke brings on my nausea. It’s awful when I need to do a bit of shopping in town and get several wafts of smoke blasted into my face when people lurch past me as I’m waddling and struggling along at 39 weeks.

The smell of a smoker is enough to send me to the toilet gagging. I’m saying that as someone who socially smoked before pregancy...

So how does he smoke and not have it on his clothes? What’s your solution?

For now, with the car issue, it’s not smoking immediately before he gets in the car. It makes a difference.

If he smoked 20 mins before I don’t think it would be as bad as it’s only now that he’s smoking while waiting for me to start the car up that it’s difficult.

What is yours? You didn’t answer my questions.

There is so much misinformation on this thread and lack of knowledge about the dangers of second and third hand smoke to babies and children.

I am willing to bet that the OP drank alcohol or ate pate or Brie before she got pregnant but has stop this for the sake of her child.

I bet you all a million pounds that Wolfiefan smokes or has smoked around children and is trying to minimise it. It's a disgusting, selfish thing to do and anyone who smokes around a child or (even worse) a baby should be utterly and completely ashamed.

OP, your H sounds like a proper knobber. If he's so selfish he won't put his pregnant wife's or unborn child's needs before his own desire for a fag whenever he wants it he's not going to make a good father. When someone tells you who they are, listen.

YANBU.

Increased risk of meningococcal disease is another to add to Babdoc's list.

I don't think parents should smoke at all, tbh, and your dh is behaving very poorly.

You can't tell him when to smoke or when he can't if he's doing it outside and sensibly (i.e. not leaving a baby unattended/ unsafe).BUT you can refuse to either have him in your car or to drive him home if he stinks of smoke and it makes pregnant you nauseous.
(And tell him same about bedtime.)

Leave his side locked so he has to approach you/ as left to find his own way to work or left at work to make his own way home, will soon give him incentive not to smoke before expecting a lift in same car as you.

I'm a ex smoker & a parent. You don't need to nag (don't repeat yourself, you've said it once)- You made your rule for your car, just stick to it. "Darling just a reminder as you seem to be forgetting- I cannot take you in my car if you smoke just beforehand as you stink - it's rank, .. leave it 30 mins at least beforehand, go freshen your breath too/ change your coat if you would like to ask for lifts from me"

I'm an ex smoker and when I was pregnant the smell of smoke make me feel sick. And angry.

I went into a bubble of wanting to protect the baby and when someone blew or breathed smoke near me it felt like they didn't care.

Luckily DH gave up smoking when I did years ago and now hates it too.

My dm and dsis smoke and when they are at our house they put a coat on and smoke outside. Wash hands when they come in and spray deodorant. I also don't let them near the baby for a while. I can't believe how strong the smell is. I never noticed it when I smoked but it's strong. Especially on their breath.

Luckily we have an open honest relationship and I don't ever pull my punches. If I think they smell of smoke I'll tell them. My babies are more important than hurting feelings.