To expect DH not to smoke before getting in the car? (Pregnancy)

[AliceRR]

I’m a non-smoker and was raised in a house of non-smokers so I’ve never liked or been “used to” the smell. I have generally shied away from being in situations where someone is smoking and wouldn’t let anyone smoke in my house.

I am now nearly 30w pregnant and have been more sensitive it (a) because I’m more sensitive to the smell and (b) because i worry about the risk of SIDS etc which I understand is increased by second hand smoke and even a parent being in the room with smoke on their clothes.

I have discussed this with DH and honestly I did have the impression he would try to stop or cut down and he sort of said “the more you go on at me the less likely I am to stop” so I tried to be relaxed about it. He doesn’t smoke in the house but can be a bit reckless about, for example, smoking by the door so it all blows in.

Anyway he hasn’t stopped or shown signs of cutting down. I haven’t gone on about it but I have said I don’t want it around me eg smoking and then coming to bed without having a shower. This seemed to be the compromise and he was doing it for a bit and even ending up sleeping in the other room partly sometimes probably because he could be bothered to have a shower but now he just gets in our bed next to me after smoking.

We currently share a car (at his insistence after his car died and I didn’t want to share a car) and I’m now driving to work and parking there (rather than us both getting the train) as it’s easier for me now I’m in my third trimester.

I am getting really annoyed and upset and he is repeatedly smoking IMMEDIATELY before he gets in the car for us to go to work. It smells so strong that it’s unpleasant to me and I worry that I shouldn’t be breathing that in while pregnant. Most mornings this week I’ve opened the windows for the first 10-15 mins for some fresh air but it’s not enough and also unpleasant as it’s cold. Tonight he did it before we set off home too but it has been raining a lot so I didn’t open the windows.

I don’t know enough about the risk to baby to know whether it really is a risk. If I’m smelling it SO much surely I am breathing something in? And also surely he should have regard to it being unpleasant for me?

The other thing is I worry nothing is going to change before the baby comes as he’s showing no signs of slowing down and I’ve definitely read and the midwife told us both that having smoke on his clothes and skin increases risk of SIDS.

DH acts like I’m being silly. I don’t know whether he really thinks that or just doesn’t want to stop smoking!

AIBU?

I know I’m being a bit hangry and tired about it but the whole thing is bothering me and has been for a while.

I want to reach a solution. I didn’t realise he’d start smoking again. He was often talking about how he’d quit as if he was so proud!

I’m worried about the risk to child now. Maybe there isn’t one or maybe it’s small.

I also just find it v unpleasant in the car. He doesn’t even need to refrain from smoking at all in the morning. He smokes as soon as he gets up too I think. I do just think it makes a difference when he smokes just before getting in the car.

Obviously the risk to baby when born is an issue too and the fact this seems to be getting worse, rather than better, worries me.

I think there is an element of me being a bit stressed out with a few things so maybe I am making a bigger thing of this tonight than I should but I have tried discussing it in different ways. Getting in the car while he’s still exhaling smoke is gross to me. It feels as if he is smoking in the car.

I am fuming on you behalf OP (excuse the pun) you are expecting his child and he should be more considerate. I would give him a deadline and say after that you are not driving him and he needs to get a car or stop smoking for 15/30mins before you drive. If you say it you have to mean it but I would. Presumably you are going on maternity leave soon so the lift to work thing is likely to change anway

but I feel that id tell him he’s not holding baby if he’s been smoking and. To changing his clothes or having a shower

please do tell him this and stick to it. The research is clear that there is a link. I was uncomfortable any time a smoker came near my babies. They dont realise how much they smell and it just serves to remind us non smokers how much they are poisoning their bodies and the bodies of the people around them. Don't let him poison your baby.

If my DH started smoking (which ia unlikely) I would set some very strict guidelines for my home and family. My grandad died in his early fifties
from a smoking related illness and I will protect my children from that at all costs. It sounds like you want to do the same so please stand your ground on this OP.

And yes I have given up things since I got pregnant. I don’t drink alcohol or rare meat or certain cheeses and I have even given up caffeinated drinks (which I know is not necessary it is a decision I made due to some risks of caffeine). I’m also careful what I eat and take my prenatal vitamins and do and make sure to try to sleep on my left side and that kind of thing. I’m not perfect but yes I’m doing things slightly differently since I got pregnant so I think DH could do the same. I’d rather he didn’t smoke at all but he can smoke and still be considerate of me and the baby.

Thanks @garethsouthgatemrs I agree with you.

I do also worry about his health and want him around, for me and our child, but I get that I can’t make him stop.

I am serious about saying he’s not holding baby if he’s smoked etc although I don’t know how well that will work in practice!

Could he put coat he was wearing before he got in car in boot?
My Dh smokes, I don't like it and he's cut down but he does we've got a 2yo and 3mo. At home that means outside or in the garage and he has a different hoodie to put on over whatever he's wearing to try and absorb the smoke before he comes in
He's trying to move to vaping but it's taking time and HV wasn't concerned knowing what steps he's taking tho encouraged him continuing to try to quit

Yes he could put coat in the boot and that might help

He isn’t trying to quit though and he won’t vape

But he’s not pregnant.
Do you expect him to follow dietary guidelines and take pre natal vitamins too.
You’re confusing the issues.
You don’t like the smell of smoke. You live with a smoker. Not a lot you can do.
You are worried about the baby. It isn’t here yet.
You are concerned about future risks once you give birth. Don’t moan about now. Work out a solution for then.

Wolfiefan a quick google brings up numerous peered assessed studies which say that he is putting the baby’s Heath at risk now.

When I smoked, I used to wait until I had stopped breathing out smoke before I went into somewhere like a car or building. It actually really annoys me when people don't. It smells really strong and it's really inconsiderate. It's only a few breaths, it doesn't take long. Ideally he would wait 30 minutes but that might be impractical.

When I used to go to the children's centre somebody came around with a CO breathalissr thing and showed you breath e out CO directly for 30 minutes after a cigarette. Ideally that is how long a smoker should wait to hold a baby.

@Bertiebotts Well he could smoke 30 mins before we set off and then smoke when he gets to work, which is what he does now. I think he smokes around 7-7:30 and then smokes before he gets in the car around 8 and then he smokes when we arrive at the other end. If I stop off for a hot drink on the way, which I do about twice a week, he smokes while I’m getting my drink too. It seems like a lot!

Google? That well known medical resource?
He’s a grown man. You can’t make him stop.
I wouldn’t want someone smoking over my baby. DH and I don’t smoke.

Honestly, even if there weren't a pregnancy involved, I'd be annoyed if he'd stopped smoking and then started again after you'd committed to the relationship-- especially if he knew that you didn't like his smoking. Sure, it's his right to smoke, but it's disrespectful that he completely disregards your concerns and comfort. (Smoke stinks to non-smokers. Would he be happy if you ate tons of garlic right before bed every night?)

If he's not interested in quitting or vaping, I'm not sure what you can do. It's a shame he's apparently so selfish about his smoking.

Come on everyone she said over and over he gave up for two years before they got married and she moved in. That’s enough time for her to class him as a non smoker.

Smoke stinks I think it’s more than fair you have some rules you both put up with. It’s not asking a lot to say smoke but don’t get in car for 15min. You have to still put up with the smell of his hair and clothes it’s not like it suddenly goes away after 15min.

I feel really sorry for you. I wouldn’t want pick up my baby and smell smoke after he’s been holding them instead of nice baby sleep!

*smell

I do feel he is being disrespectful when I have said it bothers me and he keeps doing it.

@Akire I don’t know the exact amount of time it takes. All I know is that he usually smokes in the morning and yes he smells of it a bit but not nearly as much as when he does it immediately before sitting in the car.

I don’t want my baby to smell of smoke but it’s alsk a health risk to baby

"He actually stopped smoking and then started again immediately after we started living together"

Have you though about moving back out then?

I haven't read all of the replies but I thought I'd stick my oar in before I rest my weary head

I smoked. For a long time. I don't any more. Until recently, I actually enjoyed the smell of others people's cigarettes. It makes me feel physically sick now. Growing up, nobody in our house smoked either

I quit when pregnant, then started again after baby was about 18 months

I've recently quit and stayed quit. Yes, smoking is an addiction. Yes, it can be a physical addiction but I honestly believe that it's more habit than anything. I've smoked anything between 1 & 20 per day and I quit overnight. It can be done, you just have to WANT to do it

Raise the subject of vaping with your DH? It saved my sanity because I was about to stop my habit of smoking

Its incredibly selfish of him to continue to smoke after the baby is here and even right before getting in the car, even 10 mins would allow some of the smell to dissipate and hopefully you wouldn't feel as bad
I know this because my DH smoked after I quit the first time, my morning sickness was vile and he couldn't come near me within at least 30 mins after smoking (he quit soon after anyway) or I'd be dry heaving and crying all over the place

Could you get some leaflets or info from your MW?

Oh and the "the more you get on at me, the harder it makes it" bollox is just that - he has bigger priorities than smoking and he needs to put his big boy pants on

Good luck OP

As a fellow hormonal pregnant woman, I would probably just drive off the minute I saw him light up and he would have to find his own way to work!

He probably doesn’t notice the smell because it’s on him all the time, but as a no smoker (with pregnancy nose to boot) I can see why you’re finding it so difficult.

He’s allowed to smoke, you’re allowed to not want your car to stink. Hope you find a way to make him understand that xx

Come on everyone she said over and over he gave up for two years before they got married and she moved in. That’s enough time for her to class him as a non smoker.

Till he started again and they conceived a child.

I would have been gone the minute he started again.

You have the right to be annoyed, but surely you're not surprised. He knew you didn't like smoke yet he took up smoking after moving in together. He has no regards for your feelings, and this was proven before you got pregnant. He's not going to change and you can't make him. You can only control what you do, ie. drive off without him, move out etc. It depends how much of a problem the smoking is.
My DM promised to stop smoking when i got pregnant. She didn't. She promised not to smoke when DS was at her house. That started off well but little by little she got back to it. You can't change them if they want to smoke.

OP I feel for you, some very harsh and ridiculous responses on this thread. I’m pregnant and stopped smoking at week 6 once I’d found out. DP smokes however has reduced and trying vaping. I haven’t forced DP to do this as other PP have suggested - it’s because we are both aware of the risks! Also saving money is a plus.

I honestly hope you find some solution

Hi OP

I’m a smoker. Not proud of it and have tried to quit before and will again I hope, but I’m addicted to the filthy weed sadly.

I’ve got a different perspective that might help here, in particular regarding smoking just before he gets in the car. I think he probably does that deliberately to top up his nicotine levels ahead of a long-ish drive. I do the same....feed the nicotine monster at the last minute because I know I won’t be able to have one in the car.

I don’t think he’s deliberately trying to disrespect you. In fact from what you described - no indoor smoking, nor in the car - he does take some steps to be considerate. I’m not trying to excuse him though, he’s still being a selfish arse because he knows how much it upsets you so should make more effort.

To offer a different perspective again...sometimes it sucks to be a smoker. All self inflicted and v anti social to others I know. I wish I’d never bloody started but am too weak willed to beat it. Sigh. But still, it is part of who I am. My mum, bless her, goes on about it incessantly. How it stinks, how I should know better, how I will die horribly, all the time. All true I know, and also only said because she love me, but it is so very annoying. Also she continues to do it even though I really do make an effort not to smoke around her, with comments like you stink. It really winds me up. I wonder whether he might be feeling this way a bit.

It does sound like this has now become a sore point between you, with both tensing up the minute the subject comes up which doesn’t help. Perhaps try to discuss when you are both a bit more relaxed, not at the flashpoint when he gets in the car and you’re both already tense about it.

Also you could try broaching it in a different way (disclaimer: the following will probably annoy, it gives him credit where not really due and panders to his ego. But it would be the best approach to try on a sensitive smoker like me, so I’m suggesting it because it might help)...

Over a glass of wine...”Thanks for being a star up til now not smoking around me, I do appreciate it. But I’m afraid for the sake of the baby I’m asking you to please go a bit further and not smoke for 15 minutes before getting in car. I’m so sensitive with pregnancy it really turns my stomach. I’m consolation though I’ll keep car stocked with rolos/ monster munch/ nicorette gum. Whaddaya say?”

Yes yes I know OP shouldn’t have to pander to him like this, but I’m trying to help OP with a suggestion that I think might work. Please don’t sting me vipers!

Hope some of the above might help and best of luck with it x

YANBU in what you’re asking him to do.

The issue really is he sounds unwilling to compromise or discuss any issues at all.

That’s your big problem.

Honestly? It sounds from reading this that you were having significant problems in your relationship. You got pregnant and entered a bit of a honeymoon phase and the cracks were papered over for a bit but now they're showing again. Or have I got that wrong?

I would hate to be in your shoes. You're only asking for a little consideration. It's not that hard for him to smoke 15 mins in advance of getting in the car.