H2b no longer wants to get married

[IACGMOOH]

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want aibu? I don't know what to do now!

Maybe you can 'sell' it to someone else?

Most likely explanation is that he doesn’t want to marry you. Hope you don’t have DC.

If you don’t, and you want DC, don’t waste any more time with him.

I don't understand. Has he now said that he doesn't want to get married at all?

My question is why are you pushing it?? What are you in a rush for? Why can’t you wait for him to feel safe stable? If he is a good man do you really want to loose him because of money? Can you not sit down and figure out what he needs what you need and come up with a plan TOGETHER??

You need to sit him down and ask him to honestly tell you what he wants. Does he want to get married or not. And then take it from there.

£700 on deposits is cheaper and easier to lose than a divorce.

"Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, (etc ...) we had no choice but to cancel it."
"In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October"

Don't really understand the timing of this. As you are writing this thread in November, do you mean you are actually due to get married in October 2019?

If so I find it very strange that you were required to pay all of the ceremony, the Registrar, the Photographer, the Make-up, your dress, the cake, and the invitations. That is you paid the entire costs, the full balances, not just deposits, more than a year in advance! (Can you even do that with the Registrars fees more than a year in advance)? I don't understand that.

"It's not just the ceremony money we'd be losing, we've booked and paid for the registrar, the photographer, make up, my dress!!, the cake, all the invitations"

Or was the wedding meant to be in October past? (In which case I'd say the bird has flown).

Op did you post about this a few months ago, if so I think you need to cut your losses and leave him.
He didn’t want to commit back then and he still doesn’t. I’m sorry this must be so hard but you need to accept it, you are better than this

Screw all the people berating you for booking stuff "behind his back." It's clear that you were enthusiastic and he wasn't, but instead of using his words he let you spend £700, plan everything with zero help, and then starts sulking. He is more at fault here than you.

I think you need several serious conversations where he's very clear that he needs to say what he really thinks and feels. I hope you can recover from this

Has he actually said he doesn't want to get married? I'm confused!

"All deposits come to 700 pound, maybe more for the little extras like flowers. Dress can't be returned as it's been more than 2 weeks"

Ah, posted before I saw this. It is actually the deposits you've lost.

That's hard, but not as bad as carrying on planning, then the wedding falling through. Money wise, start to negotiate like mad. Some may return, but also see if you can do things like use the photography deposit for a special portrait photograph; use the venue deposit for a girls night out; and so on. You never know.

Relationship wise, that's hard too. I am sorry, but it does sound as if you want different things from the relationship. It is better you find that out now, though I'm sure it doesn't feel that way at the moment. A lot of talking to do.

Three and a half year engagement and he's still not wanting to actually get married? He's never going to. Cut your losses and find someone for whom you are perfect.

Unless you're happy never to get married. I wouldn't have children, give up any work or buy property with anyone who wouldn't but you make your choices.

I think you need to establish if he just doesn’t want to get married or if he doesn’t want what my brother calls a ‘hole in the wall affair ‘. Him saying about waiting until in a better financial place would indicate the latter but you need to ask him. Give yourself a deadline if it is the latter then you need to sadly leave if it’s ( hate the expression) deal breaker.

FHS! Just talk to him, ask him. Tell him that you're going to cancel everything and assume he no longer wants to marry you at all. That you are going to start divvying up the CDs....

No he hasn't actually said it, but he said to his brother earlier it's too expensive and not what he wanted. He hasn't spoken to me since earlier.
We do live together and it is a joint tenancy, I'm not sure where either of us would go if we had to leave I can barely think straight

Screw all the people berating you for booking stuff "behind his back." It's clear that you were enthusiastic and he wasn't, but instead of using his words he let you spend £700, plan everything with zero help, and then starts sulking. He is more at fault here than you.

LOL

There's three things you need to agree on in advance for a successful marriage:

• the type wedding you both want together
• whether you want children or not

And most important of all

• that you each like the smell of the other

If you can't agree on the same type of wedding you have no chance when it comes to kitchens and holidays.

Cancel the wedding, he’s clearly telling you he doesn’t want to marry you
Hard as it is,take a breath.the dress,etc they’re all items you can sell on eBay
Dust yourself down and focus on getting some head space to think what you want

So all this has come from his brother? He hasn’t actually spoken to you? You need to sit and talk to him.

Maybe he wants a marriage, not a fussy wedding. The two are very different, a wedding is one day and a marriage is every day after that.

Op, it's time for an actual adult conversation, FGS. Ask him outright if he wants to get married or not. None of this "not now maybe later" bullshit. He knows by now if he wants to be married. It's time to get this out in the open.

Get some individual time,be direct ask him do you want to marry me in Oct?
But you say you have misgivings and hunch it’s not going well.listen to that hunch
Call your dependable mate or family member,be candid. And let them support you

You need to ask him whether he wasn't a to get married or not. Big question to ask!

I was in very different circumstances. Long story short and my dm was dying. Semi forced now dh into marrying me (we'd been together 9 years) so dm could be there. He was scared and didn't really talk about anything wedding at all. I did give him options on things and he always said "don't mind" and just wouldn't talk weddings. Fast forward and we had a great wedding day and are happily married with a dc. I'm not saying 'oh don't worry', as I have no idea what your dp is thinking. You need to have an honest chat.

DogInATent Yeah, and it's hard to agree on that when one partner sits back and watches the other do all the planning without any input. But LOL right back at you.

I will ask him but for now I'm using this thread to put my thoughts onto, he is at work and I won't be face to face with him until tomorrow and I do not want this conversation over text so it's going to have to wait

£700 quid is fuck all for a wedding in fairness?
Are you even engaged? Did he propose with a ring etc?

With the greatest respect, this is much more than a money problem. Your partner doesn't want to marry you. You need to accept the money is gone and focus on your relationship. Does he see a future with you? Ask the hard questions.