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AIBU?

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Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
Spudlet · 30/11/2018 16:39

I used to work with a woman who ended up calling her wedding off - not sure of all the ins and outs as it was before she started and I didn't like to pry. I think it's why she may have relocated to work with us, tbh.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and she's happily married to someone else with a little boy - and relocated to the States to boot.

I know that's no real consolation now but this is at worst the end of a chapter - not the end of the story.

Flowers because this is really shit.

LIZS · 30/11/2018 16:41

Invitations can't have gone out yet. Cake maker, photographer, venue etc all have time to mitigate any cancellation costs. Why when you agreed £600 max did you unilaterally plan for more? It seems the day means more to you than a lifetime together.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:42

😭 it is so incredibly hard to hear. Especially knowing he has an appointment booked for him and his best man to see about suits 😭 an appointment which actually wasn't booked by me!! I feel so naive and horribly heartbroken. He ahasnt actually said "I don't want to get married anymore" but actions speak louder than words don't they

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:43

It ended up being more expensive as the other venue needs a certain number of guests to close it off to the publix

OP posts:
recovery18 · 30/11/2018 16:44

Flowers This is shit. However, far far better to find out now that he isn't into it.

I am hoping you do not have DC? Do you own a home together or rent? Whose name? Assuming you live together?

I would be getting my ducks in a row to split. You want different things. Don't let him string you along with "Oh well maybe one day when..." You deserve better than that.

Jessbow · 30/11/2018 16:46

he and has best man have suit appointments 11 months before the day? really? They cold have put 2 stone on by then.

You cannot have sent the invites out yet surely?

your budget was originally £600, how much do you stand to lose on deposits at this moment?

Wednesdaypig · 30/11/2018 16:47

Why the fuck do men propose/buy a ring etc with no intention of getting married? Is it to shut their girlfriends up for a couple of years? Don't bother giving an ultimatum, it should be we want different things/been fun/let's go our separate ways. If he realises at that point you are serious and he still wants to be with you there is no reason for the wedding not to go ahead. If he prevaricates no money/let me think about it next year etc then split otherwise he'll just keep dangling a carrot in front of you for the foreseeable future.

Actually besides all that, do you want to be with someone who let you go ahead and book all this stuff without saying anything? Tosser

dontalltalkatonce · 30/11/2018 16:47

Cancel everything and send the dress back. He doesn't want to marry you, the 'when our finances are better' is a string along tactic to buy more time. You've been pushing this and doing it all because he doesn't want to marry you. When people want to get married, they plan it together. This is just you chivying him. It won't work.

I’m not one for saying leave.. but I’m in a similar position, except we have spent no money. Mine talks about getting married but spends silly money (that we have-not an issue alone) on other stuff but hasn’t been on a ring. Which is fine and totally his choice but I want a wedding, I want to get married.. I like experiences and I want to experience it.. im giving it another year or so tbh. It’s important to me and he knows it. He’s ducking you about and you don’t need that shit

You're with the wrong person then. Why give it another year? He's not interested in marrying you. When people want to get married, they do it.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:49

They are just getting measured, seeing what they want.
No invitations have gone out but they've all been made
All deposits come to 700 pound, maybe more for the little extras like flowers. Dress can't be returned as it's been more than 2 weeks

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 30/11/2018 16:50

Sounds like you need to have an honest discussion rather than him stropping and you trying to decipher his actions/feelings when he hasn't actually said the words to you "I don't want to get married any more".

If he's just sulking because he feels it's too expensive, rather than him getting cold feet about actually getting married, then maybe that's something you can sort out before next October.

But you really need to speak to HIM about all this.

popcornwizard · 30/11/2018 16:50

Well a cancelled wedding will be cheaper than a divorce. Contact your suppliers asap, ask if they can defer a year.

Justanothernameonthepage · 30/11/2018 16:52

Talk to him OP. Put the engagement ring on the table and tell him that he can propose if he does want to get married, or he can keep it.
But if he does want to be married, tell him that you need him to start actively getting involved as right now, his behaviour is giving you second thoughts and you won't be doing anything else until you're sure you want to marry him.
And pass over some of the workload, so he can book bands, pick first dance etc.

m00rfarm · 30/11/2018 16:52

Just ask him if he wants to marry you or not - who can possibly know what is going on in his head.

dontalltalkatonce · 30/11/2018 16:52

Why the fuck do men propose/buy a ring etc with no intention of getting married? Is it to shut their girlfriends up for a couple of years?

Yep! I laugh when people announce they are 'engaged' but when you ask, 'Oh, when's the wedding' they don't have a date. Totally meaningless and stupid.

Sadly, some are so desperate they don't even have the ring and proposal they want, just the kids and the house and the loss of income that goes in staying home with them with some lousy 'partner'.

SoupDragon · 30/11/2018 16:53

Have you actually talked to him about this? It sounds like he is worried about the money Nd whether you can afford it rather than not marrying you at all, given he hasn't actually said he doesn't want to get married.

LIZS · 30/11/2018 16:55

If he wanted to get married a registry office and small group dinner afterwards is less than £600 and does not take 18 months of prevarication and planning.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 30/11/2018 16:57

Just talk to him. Actually sit down with him and talk through what you both want.

BlueJava · 30/11/2018 17:01

I'm sorry OP, but you can't just go ahead and booking things without being sure you are equally committed. You have to discuss that sort of thing - it's a serious step. I think you need to cancel and accpet the fact it may means he's not the one.

WeeMadArthur · 30/11/2018 17:04

Op I was in almost your position once, and I went ahead with it because the dress was bought, the deposits paid and all our family and friends knew when it was. His behaviour started to change and I tried to ignore it all but in the end he slept with someone at work within 6 months of the wedding, I think it was his way of forcing my hand as I had put up with all the other shitty behaviour up to that point. The fact that we both worked at the same place and several people knew what was going on meant that I couldn’t pretend everything was ok anymore.

You need to have an honest conversation this weekend and if he isn’t enthusiastic about the wedding then it probably needs to be called off.

paige789 · 30/11/2018 17:06

Surely you can get money back when giving over 9 months notice ? Photographers can easily fill the space ?
Please don't marry him if he's having second thoughts !

selly24 · 30/11/2018 17:11

Go ahead with a party for your family and friends, have the photographer take some amazing reportage and a few portrait photos of you and guests. If you have organised Flowers just let them know no bouquets and more displays.
Sell your dress.
Cake- edit with the supplier to be a party cake instead.
Marriage is a huge step.
You will get your day to shine as a bride marrying the person who truly deserves you and wants to be with you.

Only time will tell if your current partner will be the above mentioned.....

Hugs and good luck!

LostwithSawyer · 30/11/2018 17:12

Do you talk to each other at all?
How can you be booking everything with no input or interest from him? Surely that's a red flag right there.
Sit him down and ask him outright!

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 17:16

Yes we do talk but he doesn't give a crap about what type of photographer or cake there would be. I always said that if I didn't book these things we wouldn't have them as it wouldn't occur to him to book them. I just thought it was normal, many brides on a fb group have similarly disinterested groom's, may be mine is just the extreme

OP posts:
Sowhatifidosnore · 30/11/2018 17:18

Ditch him and cut your losses. Please don’t marry someone who’s heart isn’t in it. This isn’t about the money.

bringbackthestripes · 30/11/2018 17:19

deposits come to 700 pound
Not an insignificant amount but not thousands. Just cancel. Maybe when the pressure is off he can stop feeling he’s being organised into a marriage and think more clearly so you can have an honest discussion about your future.
You can’t carry on organising anyway as you will end up losing a lot more money.
Sorry op Flowers

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