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Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
Randomusername01 · 03/12/2018 10:35

Op have made it to the end of ur thread and I honestly don't think you've done anything wrong. Your dp sounds like my dh, and if it werent for me we'd still be renting a poxy 2 bed flat and have no kids! He doesnt want to do anything usually due to financials or he just wants to wait. But after 15 years dh openly admits he'd be buggered (and no further forward in his life) without me as I'm the planner and doer in our relationship. It's just what works for us. If you are sure your dp loves you go ahead and have your wedding and enjoy your day. Once it's here I'm sure your dp will enjoy it too.

Motoko · 03/12/2018 10:37

This "better financial position", is so nebulous, what does it actually look like? Better paid jobs? Savings of X amount? Debts paid off? It really doesn't mean anything, and because of that, the "better financial position" may never come.

This is what makes me think he said it in order to look like he wants to get married, when he actually doesn't. We all know of those men who have dangled the promise of marriage like a carrot, but who never follow through, and this is what he sounds like, but OP's booked it, and he's caught up in the tidal wave and is too weak to stop it and get out.

RiverTam · 03/12/2018 10:55

bottom line is - what's more important, the wedding or the marriage? That's what you both need to ask yourselves and ask each other.

RiverTam · 03/12/2018 10:56

because, OP, not once have you talked about how much you want to marry this man, make that commitment, plan a life together etc.

It's all about the wedding.

TheViceOfReason · 03/12/2018 11:24

Gosh, a lot to read through!

Ultimately... it sounds like you are more in love with the idea of a wedding then the groom or what will happen after.

He sounds very passive and annoyingly meh about everything.

A recipe for disaster really.

You shouldn't have gone ahead and booked it all - it's obvious he wasn't into it (though he is equally to blame for not being more forthright).

Whether he's not that interested purely due to the finances, or whether it's also partly due to doubts over the relationship, who knows.

Please forget the money - you've spent it and it's gone. Have a rational conversation with him, apologise for getting carried away and booking stuff. Actually DISCUSS what you BOTH want from the relationship and the future to bring.

Then make a truly joint decision about whether to get married, or whether to write the money off.

For the love of god do not get married just because it's a waste of money not to - it'll cost even more to get divorced in a few years time if you end up getting married just because it's booked rather than because you actually want the same things for the future.

Motoko · 03/12/2018 12:01

What are your plans for the future?

user1467718508 · 03/12/2018 12:16

Sorry you've had such a bashing, OP.

Yes, you definitely made a mistake on misreading his reluctance and forging on ahead with the booking regardless. But(!!) the man proposed and you've waited 3 years...I can appreciate why you'd reason any doubts away with 'maybe all grooms are this disinterested'.

It does sounds like what you and he want are at absolute odds, and that you've placed so much focus on organising the wedding, that the actual strength of your relationship has slipped under the radar.

If he maintains that he doesn't want to call it off, then he needs to communicate much better, and to you, not his brother.

If he's being so fussy about venue but then quibbles cost, he needs to play a bigger role in budgeting and organising. He can't just give you this impossible brief and then turn up on the day and judge your efforts.

Marriage is a joint venture, think beyond the ceremony and reception, are you sure you want to spend your life with this man?

woollyheart · 03/12/2018 12:26

It sounds to me that he likes to let you do all the work And restrict his contribution to just criticism after the event.

I would be very clear in future that things don't happen unless someone is willing to put some effort in. He needs to understand that if he is willing to do the work, then do it, otherwise the decent thing to do is to show gratitude to the person who did.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 03/12/2018 16:05

I know all I've spoken about is the wedding, because although it's one day,it is the current focus.
I cannot begin to describe the love I have for my partner, he is an absolute dream (despite communication not being his strong point) we've had a fair few pregnancy losses, and will probably need ivf for our baby but he really is my best friend, genuinely see us spending our days together. But I definitely think what a pp said above is spot on
That I've focused so much on planning the wedding, I've lost sight of the strength of our relationship. I've lost sight of why we are genuinely doing this, swept up in the excitement of it all without much thought to the aftermath.
I don't want to end up in debt, I don't want to end up divorced. My posts are jumbled because that's how it is in my head, it's hard to understand what he wants because he says few little words and the subject gets changed, if I steer it back then he gets annoyed because he hates talking about the same thing over and over again.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 03/12/2018 16:27

I'm still so confused about the budget. You are paying for things separately?

RiverTam · 03/12/2018 16:30

then, OP, maybe that's what you need to say to your DP. Nothing more, nothing less. Back to basics.

53rdWay · 03/12/2018 16:44

It might be easier to set up some time specifically to sit down and talk about the wedding. Then you get to ask him what he actually does want, and he can’t just go quiet/change the subject. If he doesn’t care he doesn’t care, but then he’s not allowed to grumble about whatever decisions you make yourself.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 03/12/2018 16:48

it's hard to understand what he wants because he says few little words and the subject gets changed, if I steer it back then he gets annoyed because he hates talking about the same thing over and over again.

I mean this gently, but do you really want to spend your life with and raise a child with someone you can barely communicate with?

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but perhaps this is a time to reassess?

Money is one of the greatest problems that you can deal with in a marriage and you seem to have very different attitudes towards it and to not be able to discuss any of it properly. Raising children is very expensive, not to mention IVF if you need to self fund. These are far bigger (and more important things) than a poxy £3k wedding budget that you don't seem to be able to agree on or even talk about properly.

DogInATent · 03/12/2018 20:04

@sailorcherries
I'm still so confused about the budget. You are paying for things separately?
I think I've got my head around the budgeting...

There's a broad-brush budget for the day, max £3k, £700 spent so far, running below budget (according to the OP, but I haven't see "rings" mentioned so far).

As a couple they're running at £1k/month disposable income ("after bills"), 70% from his income and 30% from hers. But this makes no sense given the early comments about a perilous financial position, so take with a pinch of salt.

Various items are creeping into the costs without being budgeted for, so the true costs are almost certainly higher than is being admitted. Many of the stated costs seem a little light.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 03/12/2018 21:16

We already have our rings, was 35 for mine and 65 for his.
I'm not adding that into the overral budget.
I think the being in a better position financially would relate to me only working part time but that's not gonna be possible for the next little while. And he isn't working full time either.
Various items aren't creeping in at all. There's nothing else to get apart from his suit

OP posts:
RiverTam · 03/12/2018 21:19

It’s not about the budget, forget the budget, forget the wedding and focus on what both of you want from your relationship going forward.

I always think it’s worth remembering in the middle of wedding madness that the phrase that is now ‘we’re going to get married’, used to be phrased ‘we’re going to be married’. One little word, but a massive change of focus.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 03/12/2018 21:21

And if you'd actually read my posts, I did mention he'd picked out my ring.
I know rivertam. I won't see him until Thursday so we are going to sit down properly and talk about everything

OP posts:
RiverTam · 03/12/2018 21:27

That sounds a good plan.

SalemBlackCat4 · 04/12/2018 14:57

As others have asked, (and you haven't answered) why do you have separate budgets?

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 04/12/2018 15:56

Because he doesn't know how much he'd want to spend, he hasn't made a budget 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/12/2018 15:59

Arrrggggghhhh!!! How can you plan and commit to wedding decisions when you don’t know how much money YOU BOTH have to spend?!
Why are you seemingly solely the one paying for something that should be a 50/50 event?!

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 04/12/2018 16:43

We are paying the same amount but it hasn't occurred to him to make a budget

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 04/12/2018 18:48

How can you make a budget, plan anything, if he doesn't know what he wants to spend?

And you keep going on about being under budget and not adding things to it, have you actually paid everything in full or have you only included the deposits as being under?
What have you actually included in the budget?

No wonder he's worried about finances, there is no actual plan.
You are sticking to £3000 but both paying for separate things and he doesn't actually know what he's budgeting for?

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 05/12/2018 05:03

Included in the budget is the venue, photobooth, make up artist and cake.
We haven't been paying things separately, we pay the same amount every month to the venue.

OP posts:
alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 05/12/2018 05:59

This thread makes me very glad I managed to plan a wedding and get married in three and a half months! I wasn't pregnant or anything, just once we got engaged we didn't want to wait. I wouldn't want to marry someone who wasn't absolutely over the moon to be marrying me, everything else is just piffle really.

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