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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:17

I honestly can't remember how the conversations have gone,
Probably something like "I've found us a photographer, his name is ...."
"That's nice"

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 30/11/2018 16:17

Read up on sunk cost fallacy. And be honest with each other.
Talk to dressmaker/Mua etc, they may be happy to switch to other things (Mua change date to something you want to look amazing for, cake as cupcakes for party, photographer a photoshoot etc, donate dress etc).
Better that then the uneasy feeling he doesn't want to marry you and you're going through a very expensive mistake and before people book hotels etc

PickAChew · 30/11/2018 16:18

Cancelling everything is so much simpler than divorce.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 30/11/2018 16:19

It is really saying you both want different things from the relationship

Spudlet · 30/11/2018 16:20

So you're due to get married in october 2019? Surely with that much notice you'll be able to cancel some things and recoup at least some money. If you have your dress you may be able to sell it on.

You need to be talking to your fiancé though - properly talking about what happens next. Where are you going and are you on the same page at all? That's much more important than the money.

interestingdebatetoday · 30/11/2018 16:20

Give him his ring. Leave. If you can just go silent for a week or so. Radio silence (as long as no kids and he won't think you've been killed or something awful) stay with a friend/mum etc

A week apart with no communication whatsoever will soon show you if you have a future together and give him space to think

Notmorewashing · 30/11/2018 16:20

You need to clarify does he want to postpone or he doesn’t want to get married? Why did he propose? If he says he doesn’t want to I would be chucking him.

Birdsgottafly · 30/11/2018 16:21

":if he actually says to me he doesn't want to get married next year,""

He probably won't, because he's a coward.

Even if he says he will, he could cancel again at the last minute.

If he wanted to Marry you, he would. There are numerous threads on here were the Woman has hung on and it's never happened.

They split and within a year, he's married someone else, because he's finally met someone he wants to Marry.

Thankyounext · 30/11/2018 16:21

Does he know you have actually bought your dress?

HollowTalk · 30/11/2018 16:21

But if it's in 11 months' time, then surely you can cancel and not lose everything?

MrsTerryPratcett · 30/11/2018 16:23

I feel like in my heart, I feel like it's already over

Me too. It's actually quite a big deal to back out of a wedding. Which means he's pretty sure he doesn't want to marry you. And that's really unlikely to change in a year or two. I think you're a 'right now' relationship. I'm really sorry.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:23

Yeah my dress is hanging up in the wardrobe, it was off the peg.
Most things have a non refundable deposit

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 30/11/2018 16:24

Yes, but the deposit is only small, isn't it? I wouldn't be giving a photographer a large deposit for near a year's time!

Justanothernameonthepage · 30/11/2018 16:25

Think about having someone be excited to marry you. Who's actively involved in planning and looking up things/discussing ideas. And ask yourself why you don't think you deserve that. The wedding isn't just something you get for years of service/suffering. Do you really want to be married to him? To be the one cleaning up when he's Ill, for him to be the one holding your hand when you're having the worst day of your life. To be able to rely on him to do his fair share and to compromise if needed? If so, spend the money on couple therapy.

Tistheseason17 · 30/11/2018 16:25

I think you need to find out if he doesn't want to marry you next year... or ever.

These are 2 separate things and he may just be genuinely concerned about money.

Justanothernameonthepage · 30/11/2018 16:27

But he is telling you clearly, he doesn't want to stand up and be counted as your partner. You don't have to believe him, but you can't force him into a wedding he doesn't want.

user1468942365 · 30/11/2018 16:27

It's all really hard to hear, isn't it? He isn't sure enough that he wants to commit to you forever. Have you been together for many years already? Maybe, it's just too soon. I know several couples who've been together for 10 years plus where one sees no reason for the "big day" but is absolutely committed. Weigh it all up but don't force his hand. Flowers

KnittingSister · 30/11/2018 16:29

Cancelling bookings and losing deposits is altogether financially and emotionally cheaper than divorce.
Sorry OP Flowers

gonzo77 · 30/11/2018 16:32

Cancelling a wedding in my case would have been 80k less than divorce!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/11/2018 16:32

Take the dress back. Looking at it will only make you miserable.

Look at it this way, at least you're only losing the deposits, not the whole amounts? (Desperately trying to find some tiny kind of silver lining, but it's tough going.)

I'm so sorry though, must be gutting. But it sounds as though you don't communicate very well as a couple - he doesn't speak up enough, and when he does, you don't listen to him.

Phone around some girlie mates and have a good cry. It will get better.

Littlechocola · 30/11/2018 16:35

Sounds like the wedding is more important than the marriage. You’ve forgotten the groom.
Are you able to sit down together and talk about what you each want?

Sashkin · 30/11/2018 16:35

So he knew you were booking things like the photographer, knew the invitations were going out (and presumably had at least a little bit of involvement in the guest list). And is now saying “oh no I never wanted any of this?”

I would be giving him a serious ultimatum. He is either fully on board with this wedding that he knew damn well you were booking, or he isn’t and you cancel it now. But if you proceed with the wedding you don’t want to hear another peep about how he was or wasn’t involved in the planning, because he had ample opportunity and chose not to be. If he wants to marry you but not at that venue/not in October/doesn’t want to spend money, the time to pipe up was last May.

If he wants to cancel the wedding entirely (or is just a bit shifty about what he does and doesn’t want), I would dump him and move on. One of my friends’ DF decided to pull out the month before the wedding, and while they lost a lot of money she ended up very happily married to somebody else with two children. Definitely worked out for the best for her. Ex-fiance is still single and dating party girls 10-15yrs younger than him, which is actually what he wanted as well so all worked out for both of them. They had just outgrown each other.

plaidlife · 30/11/2018 16:35

OP, poor you, the only consolation is that this is easier that a divorce. I wonder if you need to be clear that you don't see a future in the relationship if you don't both want the same thing.
Weddings can cost as much or little as you want, just be really clear that a lower cost wedding isn't an issue for you before you walk away.

Zulor · 30/11/2018 16:38

Have you actually discussed anything with him yet? You went ahead with planning a wedding he didn't want. Has he told you he doesn't want to get married yet? Have you discussed where the relationship is going? Or not going?

MrsReacher1 · 30/11/2018 16:39

I feel for you - a horrible situation. Agree with others though. Allocate a day and phone, e-mail everyone explaining that for various reasons you will need to cancel the day. Ask for a refund of the deposit since it is a year ahead of time. If they say no, then they say no. (Check terms and conditions - some might only keep the deposit if it is nearer the time).

Try to sell or return the dress. Once the money side is dealt with - and you will lose some cash but not as much as you might think. Then you can forget about it and focus on what is important.

Talk to your partner. Is it the ceremony he is dreading along with all the money and fuss or being legally bound to you? Don't confuse a wedding with being married. It is the second of these that is really important.

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