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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
ILoveHumanity · 30/11/2018 18:58

Have a serious talk with him about what he wants and what you want and see if he is willing to meet half way

If you feel so strongly then let him know but don’t force him to compromise

But yeh it’s a hard situation OP, I feel with you. But I wouldn’t go ahead, I would cancel and give him the chance to make up his mind at his own pace.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 18:58

That's just deposits though. Yes I have a ring, yes he proposed we have been engaged for 3 and a half years. We were originally going to get married after 1 year but personal things have happened throughout our relationship, not drip feeding and not going to list them all,but it meant it got put back. We were supposed to marry this October, hence having the venue booked in January but after changing it, totalling up the costs we changed it to next October to make sure everything would be paid in time

OP posts:
LoudJazzHands · 30/11/2018 18:58

£700 is the cost of the deposits, not the whole shebang, Zulor

TeenTimesTwo · 30/11/2018 18:59

What I don't understand is how you have gone from whole thing was going to be no more than £600 to just the deposits themselves costing £700?

EWAB · 30/11/2018 19:01

“Not what he wanted”. .... what isn’t ? The wedding or the marriage? Ask him.

TheRealHousewife · 30/11/2018 19:01

How awful for h2b. You manipulated an arranged marriage for him. If I was him I’d be off like a shot. Your behaviour is massively controlling !!!

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 19:02

As I've explained teen, the new venue needs a certain number of guests to make it worth their time closing to the public.
So more guests have been added, making the cake more expensive, making me get a better photography package to ensure everything was covered, to needing another makeup artist and hair stylist.
Also at the registry office we needed to pay for a bigger room.
And yes we've paid the deposit for the registrar and the actual fees for the registrar to conduct the service, we still need to pay the room fees, pay for the notice of marriage and the certificate

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 30/11/2018 19:02

I’d treat it as he obviously doesn’t want to marry you either way. If he’s actually just not happy with how you’ve done it and is sulking that is so incredibly unattractive you need to make it so clear he can’t get away with that.

Kahlua4me · 30/11/2018 19:03

Think you need to ask him outright if it is the relationship or the wedding he is getting cold feet about....

LIZS · 30/11/2018 19:03

You expanded the guest list to suit the venue!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/11/2018 19:03

Wedding planning grip some people folk like a fevered delirium,they haemorrhage money
They obsess and spend money on titwank like place settings,wedding favours,bands,venues
I had the misfortune to work with someone who droned on about her wedding incessantly

Loopytiles · 30/11/2018 19:03

If he wanted marriage he’d be sharing all this with you. It seems he doesn’t.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 19:04

Therealhousewife, care to explain? He has came to meetings at the new venue, he has spoken to the registrar, spoken to the caters. Arranged who his best man is going to be, decided where to go for a suit. This hasn't been all my doing! He has had MONTHS to say 'don't book anything else, I'm getting cold feet'
Just fucking last week we spoke to the cake maker about the type of cake we were going to have, HE decided on the fucking flavour. Don't try and make out This is all on me when you haven't even been there

OP posts:
speakout · 30/11/2018 19:04

OP cut your losses.

Dragging a reluctant groom to the altar will only lead to divorce costs.

Why do you want to marry someone who doesn't marry you?

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 19:05

Yes I had to expand it? What's your point. We viewed 8 other venues but couldn't find anything cheap enough, but this place has to have a certain amount of numbers to make it worth while closing to the public

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/11/2018 19:07

No one needs make up artists etc.youre not JLo.Its a money-making racket
If/When you met a man who wants to marry don’t get so preoccupied by useless minutiae
Most brides don’t want to hear this,but all the fuss is unnecessary.nad expensive

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/11/2018 19:07

It sounds like it’s the wedding rather than the marriage that he’s not onboard with.

To be honest I think our society does us all a huge disservice by making weddings so much about the bride. It’s supposed to be a special day for both of you but you have (both) gone through he motions of consultation without really communicating about what you both really want. You have been busy booking and planning and casually mentioning without being concerned that it clearly isn’t his dream day. He made a witchy washy comment about not being into it at the beginning and then shut up when you went ahead not asserting himself and instead playing into the “weddings are for women” cliche.

Now it’s got too much and he’s finally blown up about it. But it sounds like it’s the wedding he’s blown up about, not the marriage to you?

You need to sit down with him. Ask him what he really wants. Tell him what you really want. Forget about what’s done so far. See if you can come up with a plan that would suit you both with cooperation and compromise on both sides. Then see if there is anything you can salvage from your current plans.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 19:09

I don't need it but I want it, what's sò wrong with that

OP posts:
speakout · 30/11/2018 19:10

I think our society does us all a huge disservice by making weddings so much about the bride.

And a bride has no control over that?

Oh please we are not in the 1950s.

Women are free to choose whatever type of wedding they want- or no wedding if that suits.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/11/2018 19:13

What’s wrong is you’re planning a wedding with a disinterested groom (your phrase)
Maybe you’ve got so immersed in planning,and detail you’ve lost sight of him
But societally there is huge big day pressure. Inviting folk to spend and fret about inconsequential tasks.

Didthatreallyhappen2 · 30/11/2018 19:13

My DH wasn't interested in any of the wedding planning at all - the only thing he had an opinion on was the type of wedding car we had. Everything else, and I mean everything, was left to me. We've now been happily married for nearly 30 years.

I think you need to sit down with your OH and have a full and frank discussion about what you actually want to do, and whether your plans do include marriage or not. It is easier to stop a wedding than unravel an unhappy marriage.

Knitwit101 · 30/11/2018 19:15

My dh was way less interested in the details of the day than I was. I don't think that in itself is a red flag.
Sit down and have a chat tomorrow, see what he says.

Your mind must be buzzing with thoughts and questions you cant share with him right now, you must be going crazy.

TheRealHousewife · 30/11/2018 19:15

OP because h2b said he’d rather wait (short hand for changing his mind) but you went ahead anyhow. Then he was carried along with everything you’ve planned/arranged.

Why would you want to get married to someone who doesn’t want to marry you, not yet anyway.

SoupDragon · 30/11/2018 19:17

No he hasn't actually said it, but he said to his brother earlier it's too expensive and not what he wanted.

So he hasn't said he doesn't want to marry you.

Zulor · 30/11/2018 19:17

There are two people involved in a wedding @speakout. The bride AND the groom.