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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
Poppyinagreenfield · 30/11/2018 17:20

This is awful you did all of the planning and now have to sort it the humiliating mess. He does not want to marry you. Are you paying for all of this.

HollowTalk · 30/11/2018 17:22

So have you been paying for all this yourself?

BumbleyBum · 30/11/2018 17:23

Op, as hard as it must be... Time. To. Call. It. Off. Flowers

dontalltalkatonce · 30/11/2018 17:24

He's not just disinterested, he doesn't want to marry you.

I just thought it was normal, many brides on a fb group have similarly disinterested groom's, may be mine is just the extreme

Nope, not if you're not marrying a twat. It's sad that so many are wanting to marry such total arseholes.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 30/11/2018 17:26

I am sorry OP but you completely went over his head,He said he didnt want to get married but you did and went and booked it,,he didnt lie to you or decieve you you went steam rolling in ,,,I would suggest as others have said to cancel everything get rid of everything and concentrate on learning how to listen and communicate with each other..He hasnt said he doesnt love you or never wants to marry you he did say however he just wants to wait a while til hes more financially secure...I dont think thats an unreasonable position for him to take.Maybe just maybe he wants to give you the world but you rushing in is undermining his ability to do so....You need to calm down and just enjoy being together with no pressure,If its mean to happen it will there really is no rush.

Zofloramummy · 30/11/2018 17:27

I cancelled my wedding four months before I was due to get married. Best decision I ever made. I was the one with cold feet, and rightly so. In your case his complete lack of interest would be ringing warning bells for me. I would cancel and seriously think about your relationship.

What’s are your life goals? Are they similar? Do you generally have a good relationship? Do you really communicate about the important stuff? Do you make each other laugh?

It sounds to me like you might both be along for the ride without thinking too much about whether you make each other genuinely happy. This could be a blessing in disguise, although I understand that right now it feels terrible.

MaryDollNesbitt · 30/11/2018 17:28

For any wedding prep to be taking place, an engagement/agreement to get married actually needs to happen FIRST between a couple. Ergo, the OP and her partner have either become formally engaged or at least agreed between them to get married, meaning the natural 'next step' is to start planning their wedding, however big or small it may be, right? Right.

Now ... I'm sort of on your DP's side as far as the lack of consultation goes. It doesn't sound like he's been included very much in your plans, IACGMOOH. Would it be fair to say you've become a bit overexcited and ... forgotten him somewhat in a haze of wedding mania? Do you think he's maybe feeling like he doesn't have a voice or a say in any of these plans, and this is making him now shrink away as things are going in a direction he wouldn't ultimately choose himself?

I'm also half on your side too, however, because 1) it's only natural to want to plan your wedding if you've become engaged or whatever, and 2) he doesn't seem to have spoken up a whole lot about what he would like/dislike, other than a few wobbly comments here and there.

Basically, I think the pair of you need your heads clunking together! Sit down and have a proper discussion about all of this. It is the only way to resolve everything. Cards on the table time!

diddl · 30/11/2018 17:29

So you booked even though he didn't want to & that fell through?

But then you say that in May "we" found a new venue.

So he knew costs & agreed them?

But now is complaining-even though there's almost a year to save & meet the costs?

So it is rather sounding like an excuse.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 17:30

It was last year he said he would rather wait, but as it wasn't going to be overly expensive I did take it upon myself to book it. But like I said that all needing cancelling, he has still had months to say that he doesn't want it anymore. We didn't even sign the new contract until July, why wait until now to be acting like this! I don't understand it

OP posts:
bertielab · 30/11/2018 17:31

I would say to him, look it's clear that this has gone badly wrong and I don't want either of us to be pushed into getting married.

Before I cancel, I'm giving us the option to sit down and talk if we want to be together, married or engaged. And we need to be honest -can we do that?

Big girl pants. Have an adult conversation.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 17:31

Yeah he knew the costs from the beginning , We've met with the registrar, the venue, the caters, it's not like I've just been going alone - just the booking of stuff.
He has even chosen and got my wedding ring, how can this be happening Sad

OP posts:
DogInATent · 30/11/2018 17:31

Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it

Have people been missing this bit?

You pushed him into the first try at January, so I hope you had a fuller conversation before signing contracts in July.

Are you sure it's about whether or not he wants to get married, or about you and he wanting a different type of wedding? He was edgy about a wedding that cost £600 all-in, and now it's already £700 and most of that sounds like deposit with a chunk more still to be paid.

Marriage is about living together for the rest of your life. The two of you need to start talking and listening to each other now. Before it gets all legal.

BumbleyBum · 30/11/2018 17:31

Did he propose to you???

Escolar · 30/11/2018 17:35

This would be a deal breaker for me OP. Honestly I couldn't stay with someone who had been watching me happily plan a wedding, made the odd comment about leaving it a bit longer, then suddenly says he never wanted any of this Shock

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 17:37

Yes he proposed, we've been engaged for 3 and a half years.
We obviously spoke about waiting, but I said I didn't want a long engagement (was already longer than I'd have liked) and he agreed, then I was contacting the venue and it was booked and paid for back in January but it needed to be changed. He has seen all the prices of everything, it's all in a list Grin I'm not trying to do anything behind his back but genuinely felt like if I didn't find a photographer, we wouldn't have one. If I didn't find a deal on invitations then we wouldn't have them sort of thing

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 30/11/2018 17:37

It really doesn't matter why he doesn't want to get married, why he's waited until now to tell you or who booked and paid for what. He doesn't want to get married and that's should be it. Sadly, many marriages don't last when both partners have been 100% sure, so any doubts should be heeded.

MortyVicar · 30/11/2018 17:40

OP I understand what people are saying about him not wanting to commit, ever, and that may or may not be true, I don't know him.

But - the harsh bit - from here it sounds like you are pretty desperate to have a wedding. The marriage part is less clear. He said he wanted to wait, his reason about the finances might have been genuine, but you booked things anyway. He's gone along with vague plans (you say you said 'you'd found a photographer'. Did you also say that you'd actually booked said photographer?)

What was the trigger for him finally coming out and saying bluntly that he didn't want to do it?

joystir59 · 30/11/2018 17:46

It doesn't sound as if you are on the same page op. Me and DW were equally involved in arranging and paying for our wedding. To the last detail. Most of our days off started with coffee in bed and wedding planning.

UmSayWhat · 30/11/2018 17:48

I called off a booked wedding years ago. I wanted to get married when we were booking it but I met someone else and fell in love with them. I called the whole thing off and lost all deposits. I then married the person I fell for and we are together 10years later.

Believe me, calling it off was much less money and stress to lose. My sister’s recent divorce cost thousands.

Saying that, I do think you need to have a bloody honest chat. I would sit him down and, with no anger, tell him you will cancel it all as he clearly does not want to get married. His reaction to that sentence will tell you everything you need to know. The signs were there that he was reluctant so you can’t solely blame him but he should have stopped it before now. I suspect things just snowballed.

UmSayWhat · 30/11/2018 17:49

Oh and I am not saying to LTB. I think there are too many unknowns to say that to you.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/11/2018 17:51

Honestly, don't push him. My cousin married a man who (as it turns out) didn't want to get married. 10 years and 2 children later he had an affair, she found out, and the marriage was over. It was insult to injury for him to tell her that he'd never loved her, never wanted to marry her, and that she'd 'forced' him into it.

The first thing I'd do is ask him if it's marriage or the wedding that's putting him off. My DH is very shy, hates to be the center of attention, and would rather have chewed glass than have a 'public' wedding, even a small one. We were married with our immediate family and 2 friends then went back to the hotel for cake and wine. Perhaps your H2B feels the same? If not, I'd hand him the ring back and say that you don't want to ever feel as if you've pushed him into something he's not 100% sure of. That he needs to think seriously about what he wants.

It's very important that you have a serious think about your future, too. You don't want to be hanging around waiting for him to change his mind. Its sucks, but there's probably nothing a man is more 'selfish' about than telling a woman he doesn't want to marry her, ever. He doesn't want to give up the relationship but doesn't want to make that final commitment so will keep her hanging fire with 'someday' or 'when the time is right'. It's pretty obvious that marriage is very important to you. Don't waste any more of your time than you have to.

BarbarianMum · 30/11/2018 17:57

I dont know why people are giving the OP for arranging a wedding whwn she's engaged to be married. OP ditch him amd go find a man with a spine who wants to marry you. This one's pathetic.

caringcarer · 30/11/2018 17:58

This is so sad. He should have said something when you came and said I have booked X. I would go somewhere on my own and scream and cry. Then go back call everything off. Sell dress and anything you can. If you get married later that dress will just remind you how sad you were. Then I would give back ring. You will have to decide if you still want to be with your partner or if he has broken your heart. You say in your heart you feel like it is already over. Listen to your heart and don't allow him to hurt you any more. Look after yourself. Cake

AnoukSpirit · 30/11/2018 18:00

The saddest thing about this might just be that you thought it was normal and acceptable to be marrying someone who couldn't give a toss about any of it - and by extension, you. Didn't you want better for yourself than that?

Three and a half year engagement and still delaying? Sorry, but he's playing games with you.

MrsKoala · 30/11/2018 18:09

I married someone I shouldn't have. It was obvious leading up to the wedding it wasn't right but we went ahead anyway. We had been together 11 years and I kind of felt we had to. We divorced a year ater - the divorce only cost £300 on the internet (so divorce doesn't have to cost thousands). I don't actually regret the wedding - we both had a great time. But I regret wasting 12 years with someone who wasn't right. Neither of us could be honest and neither wanted to hurt the other.