Insufferably selfish things your OH does...

[Munchkingoat]

Whenever my exh used to pick up a Chinese takeaway he would eat ALL the prawn crackers on the way home from picking it up. This used to drive me insane as I could never fathom how anyone could do so selfish when he knew I loved them and he would NEVER get two lots no matter how often I asked. Utter nob.

I was thinking about this whilst driving home yesterday and it still gives me the rage 12 years after divorcing him!

Boys are inherently selfish - that is all
Thinking that men are inherently different, even if it's just "most men" or even "lots of men", led me to make a lot of excuses for my ex's poor behaviour. I thought he couldn't help it, his mind just functioned differently etc., and that most men, or lots of men, would be just the same, so it wasn't really something I could complain about.

Actually, I just hadn't met that many men. Still haven't been with many, just two short relationships since him. Neither of whom is selfish or thoughtless, quite the opposite. Feel like kicking myself for all the excuses I used to make.

Was your mum quite anti-man, frumpy? I've always tried not to be like mine in that way, but I'm afraid I still picked up her basic assumption that men are "not like us", and it did me no good at all.

Boys are inherently selfish - that is all

No they aren't. We are ALL capable of being selfish. But girls are conditioned by society to be caring, considerate and to put themselves last, while boys are still encouraged by society to be blinkered and selfish in many ways. It's down to parents to raise their DC to be kind and considerate.

The ones described upthread who are shamelessly greedy about food at others' expense have appalled me the most. Back in the day when there was no welfare benefits, and men had to work down mines and stuff, there was this thing that the dad had to have the big portion because if he fell ill and couldn't work, the whole family would starve. But these greedy guys you are talking about, I bet they are just paunchy twats that work in offices. Foul.

My ex managed to show some remarkably selfish behaviour while we were together. Including:

Not coming with me for a consultant appointment with our newborn who was born prematurely with some ( luckily) minor health issues. He was at work and said he couldn't come.
I fainted at the hospital as I found some of the procedures distressing ( ex knew this was a possibility as I'm squeamish) and the hospital wouldn't let me leave on my own as I still felt wobbly. I called him to pick me up. He didn't answer mobile or landline.
Eventually I had to get my Dad to come and collect us. I got home and after an hour or so I hear movement upstairs and my ex was asleep upstairs as he'd come home from work and felt tired so had switched mobile off and unplugged landline so he wouldn't be disturbed. Baby was breastfed and I did all night feeds.

After surgery for appendicitis, I was discharged and he was irritated with me as I couldn't manage everything at home and I got tired and grumpy. He'd arranged to have some of his family over to visit without consulting me and I wasn't happy as I just needed to rest. (Had a baby of 10 months and 2 other kids) He wasn't bothered and told me I was being unreasonable. He took 2 days off work for me to recover and then I was fine apparently to manage everything as usual.

As an ex I had to take one of my children to A & E with an infection that had got really bad. He wasn't with the kids that weekend but lives nearby. He chose not to attend the hospital although I would have been fine for him to do so or help with the other kids so I had to leave them with a neighbour for about 8 hours.

I could write a book about him...

My husband is brilliant, and if he was asked, would probably say that I was the selfish one in the relationship (although I don't think I'm too bad - I do most of the childcare, cooking, housework etc but I do also like to stay in bed of a morning, especially now the kids are a bit older, and I tend to do my own thing if I have a couple of hours to myself whereas he will find jobs, but whatever). However, he has one or two things that piss me off royally.

His worst trait is if I need to be somewhere that he doesn't but he is coming, if you see what I mean. This is mostly church, where we are both heavily involved with different things. I am often running the kids club or on the door welcoming, he frequently plays the music, so we nearly always need to be there early. When he has to be there early, I rush around getting the kids ready, making sure everything is in the car, get the kids strapped in etc while he sorts himself out. We are nearly always ready before him, because he needs to be there on time.

When I need to be there though, he still takes his time and focuses on himself. So I will rush around getting the kids ready and in the car etc, and he will stroll out 20 minutes later having taken his time over a massive shit or something. He is never, ever ready, nor helps me in getting ready, if I need to be somewhere and we are always, always late. It was really pissing me off so we had a chat about it and he denied it completely and although he said he would make more of an effort, he didn't really think he needed to.

So I have stopped making an effort. I will get the kids dressed etc but not in the car, and won't always bother to chase them to get their shoes on etc. So when he deigns to join us, they are not ready so we are late for his stuff. He mentioned it the other day, and I said, yes, it's annoying isn't it? He didn't say much but I'm hoping it will make him think a little bit.

The other thing he does is he is really bad at hitting the toilet bowl when he pees at night. He gets up a couple of times a night to have a pee and when I get up at 7, I nearly always stand in a cold wet puddle around the toilet bowl. Again he denies it, but it's not me, one of my kids is still in nappies and the other, well, it could be him I suppose, but this was happening when he was still in pull ups (has only been dry at night for about 3 months). He refuses to clean it too because he didn't do it (well neither did I!), so I spend most mornings mopping up cold piss.

Oh, and if I'm knackered (frequently!), and want to go to bed early, he acts all sad and sorry, like I don't want to spend any time with him, so we end up staying up late watching crap on TV just for the sake of it. I get that he wants to spend time with me without the kids around, but sometimes I want to go to bed at 9pm with a good book and a bar of chocolate

But honestly, he is brilliant really and puts up with a lot of crap from me, so I shouldn't complain. I would just like an early night now and again.

And a dry bathroom floor.

And to be on time for my commitments.

But still. He's a good 'un really.

My DH is honestly the most generous person I've ever met. The amount of times we've been for dinner with friends and he's paid for everyone () or given his last $5 to a homeless person I've lost count.

But this year he bought a fucking boat behind my back. We'd actually talked about it and I'd told him we couldn't afford it.

Cue being at a party and people coming up to me congratulating me on my new boat.

Months later I'm still in shock to be honest. So much extra time and money has gone in to that fucking thing. I want it to sink.

After a meal at a restaurant my ex would always wait until everyone had got up and put their coats on, then go to the toilet. Even if we had just spent 15 minutes chatting, waiting for the bill etc. So everyone would have to sit back down and wait in their coats indoors, or go and stand outside.

@mycatistoo A discussion where you tell him you're not buying it and he tells you that you are? One of those kinds of "talking about it"?

@ravenmum no. A discussion where he said he thought we should buy it and I looked at our finances and said there would be no way it could work and two weeks later he bought it anyway but didn't even tell me and I had to find out from friends at a party.

JayoftheRed if you're tired, go to bed. Let him be all "sad". That's coercive behaviour, nip it in the bud right now.

@mycatistoo Sounds grim, like he's not thinking of you as a couple any more. My ex acted like that when he got an OW. That and it being a boat ... is he about 45? MLC?

To be fair we live on an island and need boats. It's not quite the Ferrari it would be if we lived in London.

Very minor compared to some of these: uses the last of something but doesn't tell me it has run out. I do the shopping because he doesn't drive (he does lots of other stuff.) So the day AFTER I go shopping, he will ask me to get xyz because it ran out a week ago and he needs it now.

@mycatistoo Major drip feed but he's still extremely selfish!

Why on earth are some of you putting up with this?!? My DP is the least selfish person I've ever met, selfishness is something I absolutely wouldn't put up with.

He used to have to be in work early some mornings, me being up with little boy most of the night needed sleep.
We lived in a flat so the bathroom was opposite the nursery and our room. He used to make so much noise having a shower, banging and slamming. Then come into the bedroom to get ready and spray bloddy lynx ( I could taste it). Grab his keys and slam the door. So if me and the baby were sleeping before he got up, we were fully awake by the time he left. I was on my knees with tiredness, he'd come back from work and moan if the place was slightly untidy. I used to waitress a few evenings a week and I come back late to the whole place looking like a bomb site.

Cooking lovely meals, but leaving us with no money, end up me begging my parents to loan me money for nappy's and milk.

If I was to have a rare night out, he'd be fine, then the days leading to the night out. He'd go all quite, be passive aggressive and on the day then, try to argue with me. So I never enjoyed a rare night off.

Even now years after splitting up he tries to Control things with the kids. I now have the guts to tell him straight.

I just off more!!
Playing the Xbox in bed till late, then waking me up if the little one woke, as he was busy on a level.

Tvs upstairs are banned in my house now

Shouting “I’m not your fucking slave” when I asked him to get me a jug of water. It was my first night out of intensive care, after having a huge haemorrhage following my ds’ birth. He left me there on the ward all night ‘alone’ to care for our baby, didn’t tell the midwives he was leaving (they thought I’d had support in the side room I was in) and then he didn’t return the next day either.

That was just the tip of the iceberg. He also left our tiny baby alone because I’d ‘pissed him off’.

Some people are just shocking.

My husband used to open a bottle of wine for dinner, pour two glasses (one larger than the other) and put them on the table. By the time I had brought the food in, he had quaffed that glass and another one. By the time I had finished my glass he had finished the bottle! After dinner, he would go to the pub and not come back until I was long asleep. Before coming home he would visit a local business mans club and have a few before coming home. In consequence, we didn't eat until 8 - 8.30.

When I look back on it I wonder why I was such a doormat. It wasn't always quite like that, of course, it grew over time.

breathe

Perch You are going to have to explain a ‘business man’s club’ to me.

I honestly can't think of anything. He's the kindest and selfless person I know. He gets on my wick snoring if that counts 😔

Some people are just selfish fuckers, nothing to do with being male or female. My HD is a gem and I am very lucky to have him after all the bastards I have known when single. I am probably the selfish one.

I'm sure I do some pretty selfish things myself too without realising it. OP did leave the male/female issue open with her "other half" header :)

“My husband is brilliant,”

Jay- he most absolutely isn’t. He is selfish, disrespectful and controlling. Any man who expects a woman to mop up his piss is not, on any level, “brilliant”.