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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To contact my DC half siblings mothers?

148 replies

Whyislarryhappy · 30/11/2018 12:42

My dp has 2 DC by 2 other women, these are the siblings of our 2dc. I would love for my dc to know they have an older brother and older sister. And I think it would be nice for the other 2 to know they have a little brother and little sister!
My dp doesn't see his other dc because the mother's will not let him, its been through court ect and nothing was ever sorted. He now feels he doesn't see the point, obv it gets him down because his daughter will be 17 next year and his son will be 10 and he doesn't even know if they remember him or what's been told to them about him.
I really want to drop both mother's a message explaining who I am and to let them know their daughter/son has half siblings. Aibu?

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 30/11/2018 12:47

Surely if your DP really wanted to sort this, he could have?

Atchiclees · 30/11/2018 12:48

YABU. Stay out of it. It is up to your DP, no one wants extra distress from an out of the blue message. If your DP says leave it, then you have to respect that.

Loopytiles · 30/11/2018 12:48

Not your place.

I disapprove of your DP’s passivity on this.

PrivateDoor · 30/11/2018 12:50

Your dp has two exes who both refuse to let him have contact with their children and he has never pushed harder for access..... Major red flag to me, why on earth you have had dc with this person is beyond me. Leave well alone, do not get involved!!!!

CointreauVersial · 30/11/2018 12:50

I would make contact. Stress that it's all about the children and not about you/your DP, but be prepared for a knock-back.

PrivateDoor · 30/11/2018 12:51

Also YOU think it would be nice for the other children to know they have a brother or sister. So they can see that their father, who has never made any effort to contact them, has two more dc who he loves and cares about. Talk about rubbing their noses in it. You need to have some empathy here and put yourself in their shoes.

TheBouquets · 30/11/2018 12:52

I would be more concerned about why DP does not see his older children.

It is not clear if the mothers of the 17 year old and 10 year old know about each other or if the two older DCs know about each other
If DP has been to Court to try to get access and it still is happening I would wonder about the Court outcome.
If both mothers are going against court decisions then they are in contempt of court which is a serious legal matter.
If the courts refused DP access to the older children there must have been god reason. This would be an alarm bell for me.
I think you need more information before you go any further.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 30/11/2018 12:53

I imagine he doesn't want contact because you may hear another side of his "story"

NailsNeedDoing · 30/11/2018 12:55

In the nicest possible way, there's a reason why two separate women have children without their father in their lives. I don't think I'd appreciate you making contact if I were one of those women. What are they actually supposed to say to their kids? 'Your Dad hasn't done much to have contact with you, but the new woman in his life thinks it would be nice to let you know that he has two more children that he is bothering to parent. Isn't that lovely!'

Original poster

Whyislarryhappy · 30/11/2018 12:59

The 1st mothers parents threatened and gave their daughter an will sum of money to not be in. Intact ect with my dp. She has sent him pics ect but that's it. Her husband doesn't want her to contact my dp of fear of losing her. (They have dc together too)
The 2nd mother has a lot of problems regarding mental health and doesn't have custody of their son anyway, her brother does instead.
Both mothers don't even contact my mil anymore

OP posts:

Kitsandkids · 30/11/2018 13:08

Why didn’t the dad get custody when the mum lost it?

Racecardriver · 30/11/2018 13:09

I wouldn’t. It would set a bad example to your children. You don’t want to normalise his behaviour.

whatsthepointthen · 30/11/2018 13:12

i wouldnt. as someone whose ex is absent (through choice) i would ignore the message if it happened to me.

ThunderInMyHeart · 30/11/2018 13:14

No. Don’t stir it all up again. Leave well alone.

TruffleShuffles · 30/11/2018 13:15

Exactly what I would be asking kitsandkids. If your DP went through the courts to see his children why wasn’t he considered for custody when his ex partner lost it? I would stay well clear OP, it’s a bit too much of a coincidence he has two troublesome exes.

Original poster

Whyislarryhappy · 30/11/2018 13:15

@Kitsandkids tbh when it came to 2nd child he didn't go through courts because he had no money. She let him see him up until he met me, he told her about me and she stopped contact jut like that. Then we found out her brother had custody

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 30/11/2018 13:18

There's clearly more to this than two families keeping your DP from seeing his DC. My cousin had a massive battle with his ex over his DD: she would ignore court ordered visitation rights, would accuse him of violence, her family would threaten him … but he never gave up and he is a proper DF to his DD. Your DP 'doesn't see the point' - they're his DC, that's the point!! He clearly is the sort of person who moans on about a lack of contact, but deep down it suits him as he's clearly not that bothered.

RolandDeschainsGilly · 30/11/2018 13:20

Go ahead, contact them.

They’ll give you the actual reasons why he’s not in contact and then maybe you’ll wake the fuck up.

Very bizarre that he wasn’t given residency when the mother lost it. There will be very good reasons for that.

Bluerussian · 30/11/2018 13:22

This is not for you to sort out.

All sounds a bit dodgy too.

The older children may decide to find their father when they are older, be prepared for that.

Nicknacky · 30/11/2018 13:23

Does it not worry the fuck out of you that two women have decided that they would rather go it alone with their children than have the help and support of the dad?

Blanchedupetitpois · 30/11/2018 13:24

2 other women? It’s your DH who is the common link here. I would be enraged by him giving up on his other kids like that.

theWarOnPeace · 30/11/2018 13:24

I’ve said this on these threads before but I would be so disgusted by a person that doesn’t see their own kids.... I mean, that’s the only part of this that I can even register. He doesn’t see his kids by x2 different women. He’s scum. Yes, I said that about your ‘D’P that I know very little about. Anyone that doesn’t step up for their kids is scum. What the hell do you see in him?!

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 30/11/2018 13:26

The old 'my ex is a nutter ' story they all love to use that one

HopefullyAnonymous · 30/11/2018 13:28

One of his children now lives with an uncle and your partner wasn’t even aware there was an issue until after it had been decided? Riiiiiight. He’s pulled the wool well and truly over your eyes.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 30/11/2018 13:28

There’s a lot your dp isn’t telling you here. A parent wouldn’t be refused contact in court without good reason. I have a friend who fled horrific domestic violence and the children’s dad is still allowed unsupervised contact!
I would be wondering why his first child’s gps felt strongly enough to bribe their dd to keep your dp away from their gc as well.
I would contact the mothers in your position if only to find out the full story.

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