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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To contact my DC half siblings mothers?

148 replies

Whyislarryhappy · 30/11/2018 12:42

My dp has 2 DC by 2 other women, these are the siblings of our 2dc. I would love for my dc to know they have an older brother and older sister. And I think it would be nice for the other 2 to know they have a little brother and little sister!
My dp doesn't see his other dc because the mother's will not let him, its been through court ect and nothing was ever sorted. He now feels he doesn't see the point, obv it gets him down because his daughter will be 17 next year and his son will be 10 and he doesn't even know if they remember him or what's been told to them about him.
I really want to drop both mother's a message explaining who I am and to let them know their daughter/son has half siblings. Aibu?

OP posts:

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 30/11/2018 14:14

Given the situations you've described, I think it's best to take his lead. I think you can tell your children they have siblings when older and can understand the complex relationships.

TwistedStitch · 30/11/2018 14:15

How would anyone contact him if no one knew where he lived and had no phone number for him though?

But presumably you both have their contact details as you are thinking of getting in touch. So did he never think it might be a good idea for the carers of his kids to have his number? What if they were ill or injured or something?

Nicknacky · 30/11/2018 14:15

Aaaannnnddddd now we are starting to get more of the story.

And he will only have told you the bits that don’t make him sound as bad.

Holy shit, he is an arsehole. It’s nothing to do with him what mum spent it on and at least if he gave her money for their child she wouldn’t have spent family money on drink.

SalemBlackCat4 · 30/11/2018 14:16

Legal authorities use things like government benefits, tax file numbers, car registration etc etc to track someone down. That's why you have at the bottom of credit applications or even government benefits/social security via the information on privacy and how you information may be used, ie by government departments and law enforcement. If the uncle/mothers are on the electoral role, pay taxes, have a job, have a car licence or registration, have a bank card, pay council taxes, in receipt of govt social security, then there is a record of you by govt and these institutions have your name, address, any ph number, etc. That is how police/ legal process servers track people down. No one is truly untraceable. Unless they have disappeared or died.

TwistedStitch · 30/11/2018 14:17

Yes it's really common for druggies to voluntarily post money through other people's doors. I'm sure he did that.

And he left his son in the care of an alcoholic, and then her brother. Why on earth are you defending him?

BeefTomato · 30/11/2018 14:18

It doesn't sound good OP. How on earth would he know that she spent all of the money he sent on alcohol? It sounds like a (bad) excuse to me. And what about now, is he paying the uncle to help with the costs of his child? Or is he worried that the uncle would spend all the money on suits or something?

OrdinarySnowflake · 30/11/2018 14:19

oh I see, so he was considered to be a danger to the child in the first case.

In the case of the 2nd child - why, when the uncle is now raising his child, has he not paid maintenance to the Uncle? If the excuse was he didn't want to pay to his Ex because she'd drink it away (but he couldn't be arsed contacting social services and trying to get his child out of that dangerous situation to him), what's the reason not to pay the Uncle who's raising the child he can't be bothered trying to protect or see?

Can you not see how bad it looks to an outsider?

2 families have decided to cut him out. That's a huge issue.

Please keep your finances separate and make sure you dont give up work.

mama1980 · 30/11/2018 14:21

I find it very worrying that your dp wasn't given custody when mother lost it, in my experience (adoption, SGO etc) ss try everything to contact the other parent there has to be a very important reason why the child goes to extended family instead. Not having phone number is nothing, ss, search electoral rolls, CSA etc in order to find someone. It sounds very odd to me.
Am I right in thinking he doesn't pay maintenance? For the life of me I cannot understand why your dp wouldn't fight for contact with everything he has, money is no excuse, he could self represent, apply for assistance.....but given what you've said then no I definitely wouldn't contact it is unlikely to be welcome and the decision has to come from your dp.
Once he has made full reparation and re established his relationship if possible, then you could move from there.

whatsthepointthen · 30/11/2018 14:24

so has he put the maintenance into a savings acc for the children then?

WisdomOfCrowds · 30/11/2018 14:25

My friend had a genuinely "crazy" ex who conspired with his friend in the police to drum up allegations that she was abusing their son and managed to gain temporary custody. She was only allowed one hour a week of supervised access while it was being investigated. He was very wealthy and did everything he could to make resolving things legally financially impossible for her. This was in America so not much in the way of free legal aid going. She absolutely beggered herself taking out loans, selling everything she owned, working multiple jobs, fundraising through just giving etc to regain custody of her son. Every single time he violated their contact order by not letting her in to see her son she called the police and had them enforce it. She wrote to every lawyer in the area begging for pro bono help. She had everyone she knew write letters defending her character. She submitted to a full psychological assessment to prove she wasn't a danger to her son. In the end all the charges were dropped and she got full custody back again. That's how a normal parent behaves when their "crazy ex" stops contact. Would you do any less if your dp ever tried to stop you seeing your kids? So, I'm not interested in "couldn't afford to fight it in court" or "they live soooo far away now" (seriously, 2 hours is not that far to see your kid!). Unless when you met him he was living in a cardboard box having lost every penny to fighting for access, he didn't try hard enough. You've been taken for a mug good and proper.

pumpastrotter · 30/11/2018 14:26

Lets just say this is true that first ex doesn't want any involvement and second is an alcoholic - his ex not wanting money, he could have saved for his DD but he just stop providing altogether. And his DS's mother wouldn't get money for their DS if she doesn't have guardianship - instead of paying her brother he's making excuses to not provide at all....

Your 'D' P is a prize prick. Mother's don't just stop contact and deny themselves any help - whether it's physically or monetary - unless they have real reason to. Also he should've been first choice for his DS to go live with rather than the uncle, unless he does not have parental responsibility. And the court story is also bull, anybody on here who has been through it (there are a lot of us) know it. How could you have gone ahead and had 2 children with a man who couldn't be arsed to fight for his existing children or make provisions to provide for them in anyway??

Your partner wouldn't want you contacting the mother's anyway in case you dig up some hidden dirt on him. It will also open wounds for his older DC that their dad is playing happy families with you and their siblings but couldn't be arsed with the basics for them.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/11/2018 14:29

In the case of the second child, the money wouldn't be going to the alcoholic mother any more would it?

pumpastrotter · 30/11/2018 14:33

Also my ex likes to withhold payment for DS because I 'spend the money on myself and sell the stuff he buys'. No, I spend the money (£40 a week out of his £800+ weekly wage) on replacements for DS because ex constantly buys him things that are too small or expensive crap that hurt or DS loses. Funnily enough, I've heard from his/our friends about how he moans that I bleed him dry and take advantage of him - soon change their tune when they find out the truth!

Seaweed42 · 30/11/2018 14:33

This is about you and your feelings. Your children may not want these 'new siblings'. The new sibling may not, in fact, be the wonderful older siblings you are thinking they are. They are teens from a troubled background who have no contact with their Dad.
These old kids may not want contact with his new family, nor do they want to meet the other kids who, unlike them, get all their Dad's attention in the nice new family. The dynamic there is not favourable to it all working out well, in fact the opposites. Pair that with teen anxieties and it's not putting anyone in a good place. It's just extra stressors to those kids.
No one wants this to happen except you, wearing some rose tinted glasses.
Leave well enough alone.

theWarOnPeace · 30/11/2018 14:33

So did this piece of shit go to court for the second child? The child of the alleged alcoholic? He must have been heavily messing around with cocaine pretty heavily to get zero contact. This man is a bullshitter and he’s really got you convinced that it was all the crazy mums’ fault..... right!

SalemBlackCat4 · 30/11/2018 14:33

I just don't get how you can know someone has children to two other women and allow yourself to get knocked up by him. Doesn't common sense come into play somewhere? Self-respect? Pride? I know not everyone believes in marriage nowadays, which seems strange when gay people have had to fight so hard for it, but if I knew a guy had impregnated not one but two other women and never married them, I would never let him knock me up. Because if he wasn't prepared to commit to either of the first two, that is not a sign of a good man or a good stable future. No future with someone like that. It sounds like a whole huge trashy mess imo. No values or common sense shown here. It's so sad that in addition to the previous 2 children (by two different women), there are 2 more children conceived in this unstable mess.

WisdomOfCrowds · 30/11/2018 14:33

Also, if I split with my dp and he started giving me clothes instead of cash because he was too controlling to let me spend it how I pleased, damn right I'd sell the clothes! You know that clothes can't be used to pay bills, right? Anyway, how the hell do you know she spent it on alcohol, and who cares if she did?! I take it he's teetotal? And you as well? Or is it only lone parents who aren't allowed a glass of wine with dinner? I swear some non resident parents believe that resident parents should live on bread and water, never have new clothes or go out or cut their hair or their "wasting their money that should be for the children". But I'll bet he has no problem spending the money he no longer gives his children on treats for himself.

secondarymincepie · 30/11/2018 14:35

If the older child is 17 presumably it's her decision to make contact now, not her mothers. But she hasn't. Don't you think that says a lot?

SalemBlackCat4 · 30/11/2018 14:37

Forgot to add that this serial baby daddy needs to get the snip, and fast, to stop this happening again if/when he leaves you. But it would appear he is far too selfish to take responsibility for anything. He is the type of deadbeat loser that every mum warns their daughter about.

swingofthings · 30/11/2018 14:40

Do you really think that kids who've been abandoned by a drug taking, non maintenance paying father are going to care to meet the two kids who is a perfect parent to after having learned of his mistakes?

Really? What do you think they'll gain from it but more heartbreak. How selfish not to realise this.

Coyoacan · 30/11/2018 14:40

If it weren't for the fact that we live in a completely different country I would say you are seeing my ex-SIL. He now has two children from two separate mothers who won't let him see them, because he was bloody dangerous, especially with his use of cocaine. My dd believed his account about why the first woman wouldn't let him see his child.

FilthyforFirth · 30/11/2018 14:42

How is he with your DC? Though you've drunk so much of the kool aid you probably wont give an honest answer. I bet he is 'the best dad ever'. Still doing drugs? Does he have a job?

Like pp's I am agog that you thought it a good idea to have further children with him. How old are your DCs? I guarentee you he wont be sticking around for much longer...

Rachelle3211 · 30/11/2018 14:46

And why isn't he paying the uncle? Sounds like the uncle is cleaning up the mess. You dh has admitted to being a druggy and deemed unfit by the courts and then abandoned child number 2. Why he hasn't been fighting for his kids I don't get at all?? Do you hold him responsible for any of this or is he just the poor drug addicted victim?
My birth mom tells people she wanted us to be raised by friends in the country... Ya, not that she was an addict who had her kids taken away, but that we all just needed more fresh air so she did us a favour. Addicts lie.

Justanothernameonthepage · 30/11/2018 14:57

Right. Obviously he couldn't be expected to insist on being on the school/go paperwork as an emergency contact, pay maintenance into savings or fight for even supervised contact.Taking drugs while fighting for custody, Moving away 2 hours instead, leaving his child in the care of an alcoholic and not informing anyone of his contact details is very much the act of a loving insistent dad.and as soon as he relealised his DC were being taken care of by someone else, he insisted on back dating the maintenance and at least monthly meet ups with the goal of shared custody at the end. Obviously the occasional weekend isn't going to confuse his dc.The DC who had no idea if his DF was dead or alive as he had no way to contact.

Justanothernameonthepage · 30/11/2018 14:58

Or is he just coming out with any excuse as to why he was happy to give up doing the bare minimum. Hmmm how will you ever work it out?

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