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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact my DC half siblings mothers?

148 replies

Whyislarryhappy · 30/11/2018 12:42

My dp has 2 DC by 2 other women, these are the siblings of our 2dc. I would love for my dc to know they have an older brother and older sister. And I think it would be nice for the other 2 to know they have a little brother and little sister!
My dp doesn't see his other dc because the mother's will not let him, its been through court ect and nothing was ever sorted. He now feels he doesn't see the point, obv it gets him down because his daughter will be 17 next year and his son will be 10 and he doesn't even know if they remember him or what's been told to them about him.
I really want to drop both mother's a message explaining who I am and to let them know their daughter/son has half siblings. Aibu?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 30/11/2018 17:18

Isn't your DP ashamed that his DS is being brought up by someone who isn't his parent? An that he isn't contributing financially despite having a good job?
Surely you can see that he had let both children down (and their mothers/uncle)? He hasn't tried to keep in touch or ensure that he provides for them.
I'm glad that he's a supportive partner to you, and a good father to your DC. But his elder children aren't able to say the same about him.

IHaveBrilloHair · 30/11/2018 17:19

Oh dear.
You need help.

whatsthepointthen · 30/11/2018 17:24

It should be illegal to father a child, and then decide you can't be arsed to parent in any way. i disagree, you cant force someone to be a parent, and that wouldnt be in the childs best interest anyway.

multiplemum3 · 30/11/2018 17:32

Your husband sounds like a shit dad tbh.

LuvSmallDogs · 30/11/2018 17:37

So, Welshheart, is your own innocent DP a cokehead in his own version of events (aka the version most likely to portray him favourably)?

And is one of his kids adopted, with no mention of how his parental responsibility came to be stripped or surrendered?

How about the kid in the custody of an Uncle? While Social Services will often shake the family tree to check if anyone half decent falls out, it’s after the parents have irreparably fucked up or refused to engage. All he’d have to do to start the ball rolling there is phone or email Social Services.

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2018 17:43

Hmmm I think if you contact the mums, you run the risk of opening up a whole can of bullshit.

Their version of what happened in the past/in court etc could be completely different to his...

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 30/11/2018 17:46

Oh mental health problems you say? All their fault you say? Please do contact these women and don't forget to come back and update us when all becomes clear!

loubluee · 30/11/2018 17:59

More holes than Swiss cheese........

dangerrabbit · 30/11/2018 18:09

When I was in year 1, my parents informed me I had an older secret half-brother. My dad then took me to see his teenage son, who lived in another city about 2 hours away and who my dad saw only once during my childhood as far as I am aware. When I saw my brother’s house, I could see the obvious financial difference, although I later found out that, unlike your partner, my dad did actually pay some limited maintenance for his (one) child (that he had had by one woman). I was instructed to keep my brother a secret. I never saw or was allowed to speak of him again until I was an adult.

Although my situation is obviously different to your children’s, there are of course parallels. As an adult I have a good relationship with my older brother and am glad I have met him. Since that day, however, my relationship with my dad has been strained as I was never able to trust him again and always wondered at what point he would choose to abandon me. I also judge my mother for choosing to have a relationship with a man who would abandon his child and taking no responsibility for her own actions. Of course I have never spoken to either of my parents about my feelings and merely make polite conversation the few times a year that I see them.

BitchQueen90 · 30/11/2018 18:18

God, he sounds a shit dad. I feel sorry for his children.

BitchQueen90 · 30/11/2018 18:21

And just to give you my experience, I had a shit dad who went off and fathered multiple other children and I had no interest in any of them. They aren't my family as far as I'm concerned. My mum's family is my family, the people who actually were there during my childhood.

Sarahandduck18 · 30/11/2018 18:30

I think you have alluded to a difficult childhood yourself which appears to be clouding your view of this man.

ShutUpBaz · 30/11/2018 18:32

Cor, he sounds like a right treasure!

Alongside previously using so much coke he couldn't get access, he doesn't see or pay for his children, spun you the classics 'physco ex' and 'she wouldn't let me see them' and you actually believe him? Wow. Just wow.

He didn't run out of money, he just couldn't be bothered. Disgusting excuse for a father. I hope you are well protected financially and have support from other sources because he will follow pattern and leave you and the DC.

I would leave the exes well alone. You might discover some home truths you really don't want to know.

TedAndLola · 30/11/2018 18:34

It's so depressing that women keep breeding with men like this.

ForalltheSaints · 30/11/2018 18:38

When your DC are 18, they should have the choice themselves if they want to contact their half-siblings, assuming they are over 18.

Otherwise, steer clear of the ex wives. TedAndLola I agree with you.

BlueJava · 30/11/2018 18:44

I'd say leave well alone, it's not your place to get involved and I think you would massively regret it. If I was you I'd be assessing how sure I am of him and his behaviour though.

PrincessWire · 30/11/2018 18:45

Ah, two crazy exes. Its amazing how many men have multiple crazy exes isn't it? Almost as if there's some sort of common denominator...

Welshheart · 30/11/2018 18:56

LuvSmallDogs he is not a coke head no.
I was simply putting across what happens at times between parents, people's word should not be just taken, anyone can spout any bullshit to benefit themselves & have the 'law' go in their favour.

user1473878824 · 30/11/2018 19:02

OP, in the kindest possible way either it’s the grandparents bribed her and your DP did nothing, or it went through the courts. Do you really not think that a judge deciding that it was better for her DC not to have him in his life is not a massive red flag? He’s abandoned two children - what happens if you two split up?

RogerBannister · 30/11/2018 19:03

"She went and ,allegedly, changed his name by deedpoll"

You can't do that for a 10 year old with out the fathers permission.”

You can, or at least you could when my children were born. I changed my daughter’s surname by deed poll without her biological father’s permission. We were not married, he is not on her birth certificate and he did not have PR so his permission was not needed.

Ploverlover · 30/11/2018 19:07

@twistedstitch yes, one sibling believes he was a "good dad", and he lived with them. We avoid the topic of him. Our relationship is independent of him, and I am very grateful to our mothers.

Children have rights to know their siblings.

user1473878824 · 30/11/2018 19:10

He may have helped you and done a lot for you but what about his TWO CHILDREN?

Ploverlover · 30/11/2018 19:13

The point isn't about the dad and his flaws.

It's about whether the mothers can be adults, and allow the children to get to know each other.

user1473878824 · 30/11/2018 19:17

@Ploverlover well that would be true if there wasn’t clearly a very good reason their father isn’t in their lives

Ploverlover · 30/11/2018 19:21

The father is irrelevant. Why, or whether, he is in or out of lives doesn't mean these siblings should be deprived of each other.

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