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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact my DC half siblings mothers?

148 replies

Whyislarryhappy · 30/11/2018 12:42

My dp has 2 DC by 2 other women, these are the siblings of our 2dc. I would love for my dc to know they have an older brother and older sister. And I think it would be nice for the other 2 to know they have a little brother and little sister!
My dp doesn't see his other dc because the mother's will not let him, its been through court ect and nothing was ever sorted. He now feels he doesn't see the point, obv it gets him down because his daughter will be 17 next year and his son will be 10 and he doesn't even know if they remember him or what's been told to them about him.
I really want to drop both mother's a message explaining who I am and to let them know their daughter/son has half siblings. Aibu?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 30/11/2018 15:07

There needs to be some sort of law against all this shit.
The father is behaving abysmally, and since he isn't breaking any laws, can continue to do so, and probably will do.
It should be illegal to father a child, and then decide you can't be arsed to parent in any way.

Original poster
Whyislarryhappy · 30/11/2018 16:23
  1. I'm not in america, no kool aid for me.
  2. He's a good dad to our 2 children - shows affection, helps them learn, buys them gifts, clothes when needed ect, the normal.
3 he has a good job for the area we live in
  1. He does no drugs and doesn't drink alcohol.
  2. He is my dp not any of yours! If you knew MY back story then you'd see he's helped me a great deal
OP posts:
Nicknacky · 30/11/2018 16:26

He’s not a good dad. He doesn’t bother with half of his children. Being good with the other two is irrelevant.

It doesn’t really matter if he has helped you, he hasn’t helped his children emotionally or financially. You are an adult, they are children.

Original poster
Whyislarryhappy · 30/11/2018 16:27

His dd has been adopted by her mums husband so she now has his last name.
His ds has been brought up to believe he has his mums last name, so much that she went and allegedly changed his name by deedpoll. She didn't let my dp see him unless he agreed to get back with her, he went along with this before he met me, but even then she would only let him see his ds every few months

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 30/11/2018 16:29

What do their names have to do with it?

You are completely blinded by him and I’m horrified you are ok with his behaviour.

dizzycatdance2 · 30/11/2018 16:36

My dd changed her name to my last name as soon as she could.

She didn't want the name of her abusive, waste of space ,excuse for a "father".

I expect the 17 dd took on the new name with relief.

his dd has been adopted ??!!
Another man stepped up , he didn't.

Original poster
Whyislarryhappy · 30/11/2018 16:49

She was adopted when she was 5... So she didn't really know what was going onad such

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat4 · 30/11/2018 16:53

"She didn't let my dp see him unless he agreed to get back with her"
Do you really believe that?

"he went along with this before he met me"
How convenient that it all happened 'before he met you' so you only have his word for it. For goodness sake, wake up! Are you really this gullible and easy to manipulate?

tattychicken · 30/11/2018 16:54

"She didn't let my dp see him unless he agreed to get back with her, he went along with this before he met me, but even then she would only let him see his ds every few months"
Snort. 😆

Ploverlover · 30/11/2018 16:56

Yanbu. I am very close to my half siblings because our mothers put aside their feelings and ensured contact.

SalemBlackCat4 · 30/11/2018 16:57

"His dd has been adopted by her mums husband"
Lol Oh my God. Do you honestly believe that?!?? You do realise, that in order for a child to be adopted, both of the living parents need to VOLUNTARILY sign away their Parental Rights, IN ORDER for an adoption to take place?

So either your DP signed away his Parental Rights and signed the actual DOCUMENTS allowing his ex'es husband to adopt her - OR he lied to you.
Either one shows that he is a deadbeat maggot who never cared about his own flesh and blood.

Ploverlover · 30/11/2018 16:58

Sorry, just read the child is adopted. Tread with more caution, there. Legally, they're not siblings.

SalemBlackCat4 · 30/11/2018 16:59

You cannot just adopt your spouse's child, just like that. The father has to sign away a thing called Parental Rights, documents must be signed, authorised, notarised. In order to adopt, the adopter must seek legal documented permission from the biological father. It is absolutely impossible to adopt without the biological father signing over Parental Rights.

Sowhatifidosnore · 30/11/2018 17:00

Sorry but I agree that your DPnshould have sorted this himself. Courts don’t facilitate keeping fathers from their children.

LuvSmallDogs · 30/11/2018 17:02

He’ll probably be telling his 4th baby mama the same sob story about you in a few years, TBH.

Ploverlover · 30/11/2018 17:02

Btw, we all have a deadbeat dad. But at least we have each other. Having a crap parent doesn't mean you lose the right to a good sibling relationship, and you're right to pursue that. But not if they've been adopted out.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 30/11/2018 17:06

In adoption proceedings, it's possible the court would dispense with intimation on the natural father if his whereabouts are not known

TwistedStitch · 30/11/2018 17:06

Ploverlover was your Dad living full time with and a 'good dad' to some siblings whilst ignoring the others though? Apart from the fact there is no legal relationship with one of the kids due to adoption, do you not think it would be very cruel in these circumstances to initiate contact and show them the kind of father they could have had, but don't? Unless the father here tries to make contact and build bridges OP should leave well alone.

FlibbertyGiblets · 30/11/2018 17:07

I'm wondering how long you've been in a relationship with your partner?

Welshheart · 30/11/2018 17:07

For those saying "it's a red flag" need to be aware that exes can lie & fabricate whatever story they want to in order to prevent access for the father.
They will lie to the police, to the court & then the father (who is then seen in a bad light due to whatever accusations the mother has stated) has no access whatsoever to those children unless the mother says so.
My partner has been to family court, spent thousands, & nothing. All because the mother wishes to control the children, no matter the age, & prevent the father being in their lives at all. They will use ultimatums, manipulate & do whatever they can to get what they want. Funny however, they quite happily take the maintenance every month without question.

Don't be quick to judge the dad who "just doesn't care" it's often more complicated than that & men cope in different ways.

TwistedStitch · 30/11/2018 17:08

OP says he was in court over the daughter though so it sounds like they knew his whereabouts. He probably consented to the adoption- fair enough if he was on drugs and his daughter has been given a more stable life but OP has no business dragging it all up now because she wants to play happy families.

bullyingadvice2017 · 30/11/2018 17:10

He's sold you a right tale here. Bet if you could work the balls up to dig into it you would find out things you won't want to hear.

TwistedStitch · 30/11/2018 17:10

But Welshheart this man's son hasn't been living with his mother since he was 6 and OP's partner has done nothing.

dizzycatdance2 · 30/11/2018 17:12

"She went and ,allegedly, changed his name by deedpoll"

You can't do that for a 10 year old with out the fathers permission.

He's lying
A) it never happened
B) it did and he knew about it.

swingofthings · 30/11/2018 17:16

He must have been quite a loser under the influence of drugs. Good on him for turning the page and sorting him out but give some credits where due to the people who have been there for his children because he was incapable of it himself.

He is probably massively ashamed of the perdon he was and you should be to. You come across like one of those mums so in awe with her children, she assumes it wod be an honour for everyone to get to kniw them. The reality is these kids won't care one tiny bit about your kids and will have no interest in meeting them. If they do one day, they will find them without your intervention.