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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave an 11 year old alone with a sleeping baby for 5 minutes

365 replies

user1494844391 · 30/11/2018 12:01

DD1 (21) has an 8 week old baby girl with an ex boyfriend who is not involved. The last 8 weeks have been okay, DD struggled a bit but that's to be expected, being a new single mum. We have had DGD at ours a couple of nights a week and that has helped DD to cope. Yesterday DD dropped DGD off at lunchtime, as she was going to a friends birthday lunch and they were all planning on having a few drinks, nowhere near to the point of getting drunk or anything, but DD thought baby would be better off with me anyway. DH was at work and DD2 (11) was off school due to a twisted ankle she got the day before while walking the dog. It was about an hour after DGD had been dropped off and she was sound asleep in her basket in the living room. I smelt that her nappy needed changing but when I checked her bag that DD had left I realized there were no nappies in there, DD had forgotten. The corner shop is a 2 minute walk away, so I decided to go there to get some. I didn't want to wake DGD up as she looked so peaceful. I figured DD1 would be okay to watch her for 5 minutes while I went to the shop for 5 minutes. DGD was unlikely to wake up, and DD11 is trustworthy enough to stay downstairs and keep an eye on her for such a short amount of time. I gave her a quick rundown, don't disturb baby, but stay in the room until I get back. I told her to phone me straight away if she noticed baby had gone a funny colour/stopped breathing etc just to be on the safe side. Off I went, and I get back to find DD1 had returned early.

DD1 was horrified. She said she got to the bar with her friends and felt like she was just a downer to them as she was so tired and couldn't relate to anything they were talking about so made an excuse to leave. She'd come straight to mine to collect baby only to find me gone and baby alone with DD2. DD2 said she explained I had only nipped to the shop but DD1 was furious. DD1 called me an awful mother and grandmother, claimed I put DGD in a dangerous situation and said "What were you thinking leaving a baby alone with a kid?". I was shocked at this reaction. DD2 is very mature for her age and DD1 has said that to me herself before. But she was so angry at the idea of DD2 being alone with her baby for 5 minutes. If it had been 30 minutes or even 15 it would be a completely different situation but for 5 minutes while the baby is sleeping and DD2 is a metre away from her watching? I feel it is a complete overreaction.

DD1 took baby and left. I haven't heard from her since despite me trying to ring her. DH agrees DD2 has made an issue over nothing and has told me she will come round, saying it's just hormones and lack of sleep. But I'm starting to question if I have messed up. DD2 has been very upset, she feels like her sister doesn't trust her with her niece and DD2 is devastated as she has always been so close with her sister.

WIBU?

OP posts:
ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 30/11/2018 15:19

I'd be worried about something happening to you on the way or way back from the shop. You can't guarantee it will only be 5 minutes.

If I had to, I'd keep a phone call open with your 11 year old, until I got back.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/11/2018 15:19

so why did you not just nip with her when she woke up
Because DD asked her NOT to take her out as she has a slight cold.

I reminded her that she had told me she'd rather I didn't take baby out as she has a sniffle and it was a cold day

uppi · 30/11/2018 15:20

I imagine she's just tired and stressed. It must be hard trying to manage a new baby alone, keep up with your mates and I'm (possibly wrongly) assuming she's still young.

8 weeks is really early to try and get back to socialising after your first baby. I think she's probably feeling out of sorts and taking it out on you.

You've apologised, I would try not to make a big deal out of it l, say it won't happen again and move on. I think it's lovely you are supporting her and your grandchild so much.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 30/11/2018 15:37

Well I can see the corner shop from my house, yes I have times it, it takes 65 seconds to walk there. Possibly OP knows this and hasn’t pushed three hours down to five mins.

Starlight345 · 30/11/2018 15:44

I think you are treading a vary difficult path.

She is tired , a Lp so no help day or night with suspected pnd.

So while I think in the circumstances I think you did the right thing . I also think you are probably best apologising ( as you have done )

Hopefully your dh can smooth things over if not give her time to calm just let her know you are there

oblada · 30/11/2018 15:56

Do people realise that the risks they are actually increased by taking baby along? Risk of OP being run over by a car - how is it better if baby is with her? Then they both get run over!!! What could happen at home? How is a sleeping baby going to choke?? Seriously

Ohyesiam · 30/11/2018 16:02

She was disappointed over the lunch, and took it out on you.
I don’t know why people are saying too young to leave for 5 minutes. The likely worst case scenario is baby crying with 11 year old in the room for 4 minutes.
But dd1 should have provided nappies, and could you not have sent the mature 11 year old to the shop. I suppose there is a lot of nappy choice.

diddl · 30/11/2018 16:05

So you haven't really apologised?

Shouldn't you just be saying that you are sorry, you should have asked her?

GloryforGloves · 30/11/2018 17:07

I'd be worried about something happening to you on the way or way back from the shop. You can't guarantee it will only be 5 minutes.

I really don’t understand this point of view. Are you suggesting that it would be better for the OP to have baby with her if she ends up being hit by a car/mugged/kidnapped by a band of gorillas?

OP - I think you did the right thing but I probably would have had the same reaction as your DD1 when my DS was 8 weeks old. You’ve apologied and I don’t think there’s much more you can do now.

MeOldChina · 30/11/2018 17:18

I think given that you presumably were about to disturb the baby to change the nappy anyway, i'd probably have just bundled her up in my arms and taken her with me.

I don't think it's awful though. There are people who won't leave a baby alone to even go to the toilet in case it forgets how to breathe so you'll get mixed responses.

MoreThanUs · 30/11/2018 17:24

I don’t think you did anything wrong, but MN is full of people who take their children out of the car at the petrol station to pay, so you’ll get some hysterical responses!

easielouisie · 30/11/2018 17:27

If its literally 5 minutes, sorry what do people do when they need a shower? Sleep? Put the washing on the line? A sleeping baby isn't at imminent risk and if you trust your dd to watch and call if you're needed.. No YANBU

AngeloMysterioso · 30/11/2018 17:51

Jeez talk about no good deed going unpunished!

Xenia · 30/11/2018 17:54

Deends on the 11 yar old. One of my daughters bathed the baby twins with me every night at that age and was extremely mature and wise and I am sure I would have done the same had there been a need. Other 11 year olds not so much. This is why English law leaves it to the sense of parents rather than sets an age. I am not sure I would do it with someone else's child or a grandchild however.

duhast · 30/11/2018 17:58

Your daughter is massively overreacting and needs to get a grip. PFB and all that.

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/11/2018 18:37

No way in hell would I have done that. Think you were out of order personally.

Pinkprincess1978 · 30/11/2018 18:43

It was a calculated risk but you don't take any risks with another woman's baby. So YWBU.

Queenofthestress · 30/11/2018 18:46

At her age I was babysitting babies that old so I dont think you did anything wrong

Shednik · 30/11/2018 18:51

I would have done what you did.

PhilomenaButterfly · 30/11/2018 18:57

Your DD1's being PFB. My DD would be fine with a sleeping baby for 5 minutes.

BlueJava · 30/11/2018 18:57

I don't think it's really about leaving DGD with your DD, it's about her not fitting in with her friends any more and feeling out of sorts. If the shop is that close and she didn't give you nappies then I would have done the same as you.

crispysausagerolls · 30/11/2018 18:59

If you have DGD a few nights a week (which is bloody weird at such a young age) then DD needs to respect your parenting decisions.

mama17 · 30/11/2018 19:29

I would have done the same in your situation

altiara · 30/11/2018 19:34

I would’ve done the same, although I would feel uncomfortable with the fact DD2 can’t walk. I definitely wouldn’t have taken baby outside after specifically being told not too, and I certainly wouldn’t be phoning saying you left no nappies what should I do when I live 2 mins from a shop. Then again, I’d probably be cross if I was DD1 for a variety of reasons including the fact I can’t pack a nappy bag.

Ragwort · 30/11/2018 19:37

I think your Dd1 is totally over reacting, I would not be happy if that was how my DD treated to me when I was doing so much to help her. Just back off & leave her to it, I have a niece who treats her mother like this when the reality is that she does loads for her DD & grandchild, enabling the DD to have a social life etc but she still treats her mother like dirt Sad.