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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave an 11 year old alone with a sleeping baby for 5 minutes

365 replies

user1494844391 · 30/11/2018 12:01

DD1 (21) has an 8 week old baby girl with an ex boyfriend who is not involved. The last 8 weeks have been okay, DD struggled a bit but that's to be expected, being a new single mum. We have had DGD at ours a couple of nights a week and that has helped DD to cope. Yesterday DD dropped DGD off at lunchtime, as she was going to a friends birthday lunch and they were all planning on having a few drinks, nowhere near to the point of getting drunk or anything, but DD thought baby would be better off with me anyway. DH was at work and DD2 (11) was off school due to a twisted ankle she got the day before while walking the dog. It was about an hour after DGD had been dropped off and she was sound asleep in her basket in the living room. I smelt that her nappy needed changing but when I checked her bag that DD had left I realized there were no nappies in there, DD had forgotten. The corner shop is a 2 minute walk away, so I decided to go there to get some. I didn't want to wake DGD up as she looked so peaceful. I figured DD1 would be okay to watch her for 5 minutes while I went to the shop for 5 minutes. DGD was unlikely to wake up, and DD11 is trustworthy enough to stay downstairs and keep an eye on her for such a short amount of time. I gave her a quick rundown, don't disturb baby, but stay in the room until I get back. I told her to phone me straight away if she noticed baby had gone a funny colour/stopped breathing etc just to be on the safe side. Off I went, and I get back to find DD1 had returned early.

DD1 was horrified. She said she got to the bar with her friends and felt like she was just a downer to them as she was so tired and couldn't relate to anything they were talking about so made an excuse to leave. She'd come straight to mine to collect baby only to find me gone and baby alone with DD2. DD2 said she explained I had only nipped to the shop but DD1 was furious. DD1 called me an awful mother and grandmother, claimed I put DGD in a dangerous situation and said "What were you thinking leaving a baby alone with a kid?". I was shocked at this reaction. DD2 is very mature for her age and DD1 has said that to me herself before. But she was so angry at the idea of DD2 being alone with her baby for 5 minutes. If it had been 30 minutes or even 15 it would be a completely different situation but for 5 minutes while the baby is sleeping and DD2 is a metre away from her watching? I feel it is a complete overreaction.

DD1 took baby and left. I haven't heard from her since despite me trying to ring her. DH agrees DD2 has made an issue over nothing and has told me she will come round, saying it's just hormones and lack of sleep. But I'm starting to question if I have messed up. DD2 has been very upset, she feels like her sister doesn't trust her with her niece and DD2 is devastated as she has always been so close with her sister.

WIBU?

OP posts:
summersofyesterday · 30/11/2018 14:26

5 minutes is nothing. And YANBU. But of course you will get plenty of people telling you that you are a hideous excuse for a human being.

randomsabreuse · 30/11/2018 14:27

My second born probably gets left sleeping (or crying if he wakes) more than 5 minutes while I wipe my pfb's arse in the loo. Can't really win when you've got 2... don't really want pfb spreading shit everywhere and when a 3yo needs to go, you generally can't wait!

Rhiannon13 · 30/11/2018 14:30

Would the 11 y/o be able to pick the child up and get them out of the house? The answer is likely no with a twisted ankle.

Really? She's twisted her ankle, not broken both of her legs [sceptical]

Lonely200144 · 30/11/2018 14:30

Initially I was like hmm I can see she may have over reacted but what IF something did happen. What is this thread was

Hi, my mother was baby sitting my 8 week old baby whilst I went out with some friends.
I returned home early to baby chocking on some spit up, with my 11 year old sister who was unable to get her to die to a bad ankle that she can’t weight bare on.
My mum had gone to the shop and left them un attended.... would we all be saying the same ?

Rhiannon13 · 30/11/2018 14:30

I mean Hmm

Lonely200144 · 30/11/2018 14:31
  • due
hellsbellsmelons · 30/11/2018 14:32

LOL - but it doesn't say that!
And it's unlikely to.
There was no risk.
The 11 YO COULD get to the baby and a phone!

BarbarianMum · 30/11/2018 14:33

Struggling to see the problem here. I used to look after neighbours toddlers at 11, babies are much easier, esp sleeping ones.

HauntedPencil · 30/11/2018 14:35

Well done Charolais, surely you'll win twat of the thread with that little nugget.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 30/11/2018 14:35

Yanbu .she'll get back in contact when she needs you to look after dgd

Doghorsechicken · 30/11/2018 14:36

YANBU, people are just over reacting!

Purpleartichoke · 30/11/2018 14:44

My only concern with an 11 year old babysitting for a few minutes is the bad ankle. It doesn’t sound like she couldn’t have managed in an emergency though.

I suspect that your daughter was really angry at herself for thinking it was ok to leave an infant to go to the pub.

TheChickenOfTruth · 30/11/2018 14:54

If you'd woken the baby up and taken it in its poopy nappy to the local shop, screaming the whole way there and back, your daughter would still have pitched a shit fit about you "disobeying her strict instructions not to go out/making her baby cry/scaring her by not being there when you got back/etc."

You were never going to win because it's not about you, it's about her being depressed and probably feeling resentful and guilty. I would try and get in touch with her again because I'd be worried about her, but I don't think you need to offer more of an apology than "I'm sorry, I thought it was the right choice but if it happens again I'll take her with me."

TrickyKid · 30/11/2018 14:57

I don't think you did anything wrong but I can see why a new mum would be upset.

FitzChivalryFarseer · 30/11/2018 14:58

a regular shoplifter tried his luck and they put the whole shop on lockdown until the police came.

This is one of the reasons why the baby was safer at home with a responsible 11 year old. I’d far rather my baby not be in a locked down shop with a shoplifter who may be armed.

millymae · 30/11/2018 15:00

I don’t think you were being unreasonable at all. You did what was best for the baby IMHO. You weren’t to know that her mum would be home soon, so to go and get some nappies seems the lesser of two evils to me. Baby could have ended up with a nasty nappy rash had she been left in a dirty nappy for too long, and had this been so I bet your daughter wouldnt have been happy about this either.
I know absolutely that current guidance is that babies shouldn’t be left alone, but if what you’ve told us is true, your granddaughter wasn’t, she was left with a sensible 11 year old watching her for a few minutes and she came to no harm.
I agree with those that have said that you daughter was just having a bad day - if as a friend your daughter told me what you had said to you I’d be gently telling her that she was cutting her nose off to spite her face by walking out and that she’s lucky to have someone who is prepared to look after the baby for her so she can get some rest. In many ways she was the cause of the problem as it was her that forgot to pack the nappies in the first place.
That said I find it hard to understand why if you are looking after the baby so much you didn’t have a stock of nappies and wipes in the cupboard.
You are in a difficult situation now, because whilst you are obviously a caring mum who has done her best to help your daughter, she has taken the view that you put your granddaughter at risk and stormed off in a huff. In your shoes I’d leave her be for a day or so - do you have anyone who could keep an eye on her from a distance?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 30/11/2018 15:01

How would the child’s mother cope if she was home alone and a fire broke out and she had a sprained ankle? In exactly the same way as her sister?

As I said YANBU in my opinion but I would apologise to keep the peace and encourage your older daughter to see the GP. This level of neurosis around a 5 minute trip to get nappies is not normal.

This is as barmy as the petrol station thread - a toddler walking across the road holding hands with mum or a newborn in a pram is far more likely to be involved in an accident that a toddler strapped into a completely viewable car for 2 minutes or in a Moses basket with an 11 year old watching over her for 5.

Graphista · 30/11/2018 15:03

Ywbu totally! Not just leaving her (a very young baby!) with a child, but one with I'm guessing reduced mobility due to the ankle too?!

I'd have waited until baby woke and then taken her to shop with me.

In dd1's position I'd feel I could never trust you while baby is still so little. It'd take a long time to rebuild trust.

Making that decision for your own child is one thing (and still not one I'd make) but when it's not even your baby? No.

And I say that as an mner who's generally quite relaxed about age of babysitters having been one from 14 myself but 11 is FAR too young if anything had gone wrong.

I've since spent over 30 years looking after other people's children inc babies & I really wouldn't have done this with such a young baby. Their health/safety can turn on a pin! And they need someone there who can react appropriately if so.

Also in my experience people massively underestimate how long a thing takes to do. My mum will say "X is 5 mins away" when it's actually 15-20, I've known people say "doing X only takes 5 mins" but honestly? Have you ever actually timed how long to walk to corner shop, find item, queue (unpredictable), pay for item & walk home? I'm betting it was longer than 5 mins, closer to 15-20 mins in which time a lot can happen.

Ultimately your dd trusted you with her precious very young baby and you betrayed that trust, and you're one of only 2 people she really feels she can rely on right now.

"DD2 can't walk from the living room to the kitchen at this point." That makes it worse not better! She clearly can't move fast enough to deal with if baby had vomited and needed mouth/nasal area cleared, started having breathing difficulties or a fire broke out. All possible scenarios.

"She has spoken to her GP about it and she may have PND." All the more reason NOT to add to her stress, even if she'd not come back when she did dd2 could have let slip, or you could have told her thinking it was fine. Actually that also makes me think you were longer than 5 mins or else you'd have been on your way back and seen her arriving, going in the house, talking to dd2...

Contrary to several on this thread I didn't leave dd completely alone at that age if I went to loo or had shower. I generally tried to bathe/shower when her dad was home but if there was a poonami or vomit explosion & I needed to she was in Moses in bathroom with me, ditto if I needed loo (big bathroom at that time).

"she should have brought nappies but let the mum who remembers everything all the time cast the first stone." Definitely.

ALL that said she shouldn't have said what she did BUT she clearly got a fright, is not well & is feeling really stressed so that will be why. If you apologise in all likelihood you'll get one in return (and probably her telling you all that's worrying her) and you can sort out between you how to move forward.

But I still wouldn't have made the same decision you did.

Op can certainly promise not to do it again without checking with dd1 first.

"you did the only thing that you could do" no there were a number of other, sensible options.

1 wait till baby wakes and take them with you. As the shop is so close by it's not going to mean baby in dirty nappy too long and a little fresh air does no harm if baby has a slight cold, wrapped up warm will be fine. Could even have called dd1 to discuss this being necessary due to lack of nappies.

2 called dd1 to bring nappies

3 used any number of household textiles as nappy sub, babies managed for 100's of years in cloth nappies and still use them today

4 asked a neighbour or friend to bring nappies

"What is this thread was

Hi, my mother was baby sitting my 8 week old baby whilst I went out with some friends.
I returned home early to baby chocking on some spit up, with my 11 year old sister who was unable to get her to die to a bad ankle that she can’t weight bare on.
My mum had gone to the shop and left them un attended.... would we all be saying the same ?" Exactly, think we'd be seeing very different responses.

bellinisurge · 30/11/2018 15:05

So the baby's mother messed up by not leaving nappies and the baby's mother had a bit of an unsuccessful night out. And it's your fault?Hmm
I probably would have sent the 11 year old but you know your kids best.
Dd1 is being unreasonable and she will see this when she's older.
Right now she's backing herself into a corner and sounds a bit down-I can't diagnose depression because I don't know her and I'm not a medic. Have experience of it in rl.
I would say to her that I made a call. It wasn't one you're happy with and I'm sorry. Let's make things work better.
Until she's up for that there is only so much you can do.

user1494844391 · 30/11/2018 15:05

DH is going to pop round to DD's flat on the way home from work, as she is still ignoring my calls and has ignored a long text from me where I apologised and admitted it was not my place to make that decision (though did say I was certain baby would be fine, not to defend myself but to try and reassure her). I considered going around myself but I don't want to push her over the edge by turning up if she's fuming at me.

I understand that making such choicd is different when it's not your own child, but DD had specifically asked for baby not to go out with her sniffle. And our town is up in the hills where it can get very cold, it was -3 Yesterday. I feel if I had wrapped baby up, put her in buggy and gone to the shop and DD1 turned up to find I had gone against her wishes to keep baby inside then she would have lost it.

I do feel I should have called her, and told her the situation. Informed her thatbthere were no nappies and that baby needed changing and see what she suggested I do. I'm worried that the fact I didn't do so has made her feel like I invalidate her as a mum, she is very insecure in her abilities.

OP posts:
KittensAndCake · 30/11/2018 15:06

If baby cries she may think it's ok to pick her up and drops on it's head....

Ha ha ha, she's 11 not four 😂

Abra1de · 30/11/2018 15:08

It was fine, OP.

bourbonbiccy · 30/11/2018 15:08

Am I missing something, surely you wouldn't change DGD bum until she was awake, so why did you not just nip with her when she woke up.

Yes 8 weeks after I had my DS if I found him to be left with an 11yr old child, I would be livid. And you also put the 11yr old in an awful position, if anything had have gone horribly wrong,she would have blamed herself forever.

Bad call on your part. I think you should Apologise, I also think if you still can't see that this was wrong, I would maybe worry slightly about your judgement.

diddl · 30/11/2018 15:10

" I'm worried that the fact I didn't do so has made her feel like I invalidate her as a mum, "

That's possible.

Does she really need you to have the baby a couple of nights a week?

loubluee · 30/11/2018 15:16

Surely Dd1 has to remember that OP and her DH, brought her up successfully, and managed just fine, so shouldn’t she trust her judgment?

I personally know plenty of year 6/7 children who are capable of looking after a baby for a short while. Many who also hold first aid certificates (admittedly not pediatric- but they could still assess, call etc). I also know many who aren’t not capable. I can easily assess between them which group they fall into.

OP I think it’s your dd still being in that new mum phase, and panicking. In a few years you will both talk about it and laugh i’m sure.