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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave an 11 year old alone with a sleeping baby for 5 minutes

365 replies

user1494844391 · 30/11/2018 12:01

DD1 (21) has an 8 week old baby girl with an ex boyfriend who is not involved. The last 8 weeks have been okay, DD struggled a bit but that's to be expected, being a new single mum. We have had DGD at ours a couple of nights a week and that has helped DD to cope. Yesterday DD dropped DGD off at lunchtime, as she was going to a friends birthday lunch and they were all planning on having a few drinks, nowhere near to the point of getting drunk or anything, but DD thought baby would be better off with me anyway. DH was at work and DD2 (11) was off school due to a twisted ankle she got the day before while walking the dog. It was about an hour after DGD had been dropped off and she was sound asleep in her basket in the living room. I smelt that her nappy needed changing but when I checked her bag that DD had left I realized there were no nappies in there, DD had forgotten. The corner shop is a 2 minute walk away, so I decided to go there to get some. I didn't want to wake DGD up as she looked so peaceful. I figured DD1 would be okay to watch her for 5 minutes while I went to the shop for 5 minutes. DGD was unlikely to wake up, and DD11 is trustworthy enough to stay downstairs and keep an eye on her for such a short amount of time. I gave her a quick rundown, don't disturb baby, but stay in the room until I get back. I told her to phone me straight away if she noticed baby had gone a funny colour/stopped breathing etc just to be on the safe side. Off I went, and I get back to find DD1 had returned early.

DD1 was horrified. She said she got to the bar with her friends and felt like she was just a downer to them as she was so tired and couldn't relate to anything they were talking about so made an excuse to leave. She'd come straight to mine to collect baby only to find me gone and baby alone with DD2. DD2 said she explained I had only nipped to the shop but DD1 was furious. DD1 called me an awful mother and grandmother, claimed I put DGD in a dangerous situation and said "What were you thinking leaving a baby alone with a kid?". I was shocked at this reaction. DD2 is very mature for her age and DD1 has said that to me herself before. But she was so angry at the idea of DD2 being alone with her baby for 5 minutes. If it had been 30 minutes or even 15 it would be a completely different situation but for 5 minutes while the baby is sleeping and DD2 is a metre away from her watching? I feel it is a complete overreaction.

DD1 took baby and left. I haven't heard from her since despite me trying to ring her. DH agrees DD2 has made an issue over nothing and has told me she will come round, saying it's just hormones and lack of sleep. But I'm starting to question if I have messed up. DD2 has been very upset, she feels like her sister doesn't trust her with her niece and DD2 is devastated as she has always been so close with her sister.

WIBU?

OP posts:
BunsOfAnarchy · 30/11/2018 13:53

You nipping to the shop for 5 mins, although its not the best idea, i dont blame you. What else could you do if your DD has specified NOT to take your DGD out? It was a couple mins...id be cross to but ultimately id forgive my mum if she did this.

I think what speaks volumes is that you have DGD a few nights a week and shes only 8 weeks? I think you need to address how your DD is coping (sounds like she really isnt) and see what help she can get.
Shes still hormonal and its a testing time but her effectively dumping her daughter on you will not help her mental health and baby needs some level of consistency right now.
Has she seen her GP? Or are there any mothers groups she can go to? My local NHS have several feeding and weighing clinics that offer an abundance of help and support for new mums.

ghostsandghoulies · 30/11/2018 13:54

Yanbu. An 11 year old can call you by mobile if the baby woke up.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 30/11/2018 13:54

Its a completely fine risk to take with YOUR baby. But it wasn’t your baby and I think this is just teething pains.

Basically you have to go the extra mile because your DD is so young and has no partner to support her. But you still aren’t a full co-parent of DGD and you have to sort of pantomime perform that DD is still totally in charge because the reality - that life sucks atm and is going to be really really hard for some time - is just too harsh.

Elphie54 · 30/11/2018 13:54

No I would not leave an 8 week baby with an 11 y/o with a twisted ankle. No twisted ankle, no problem. But, worst case scenario, what if there was a fire?? Would the 11 y/o be able to pick the child up and get them out of the house? The answer is likely no with a twisted ankle.

mumsastudent · 30/11/2018 13:55

lets remember that daughter was concerned over baby's sniffles & didn't want her mother to take baby out -so grand ma thinks while baby is asleep I will nip out - logical & lets face it - what ever choice she made would probably have been wrong ie if she rang daughter, or if she took baby out - dilemma - what I do suggest to everybody is this: as soon as your dc are capable get them to attend a basic first aid course (with hopefully info on babies) I made sure my dc did full first aid course in their early teens (including dc with asd - I went along with them to renew my knowledge)

Charolais · 30/11/2018 13:56

I would've asked why she thought it was a good idea to make a baby with a flash-in-the-pan useless good-for-nothing man and then going out drinking in bars.

Fresta · 30/11/2018 13:58

There'd be more risk of something happening to the baby on the way to the shop than at home asleep.

alwaysontimeneverlate · 30/11/2018 14:01

I would have been furious if you had left any of mine with an 11 yr old.

Bad call am afraid op am not surprised she's raging with you.

KittensAndCake · 30/11/2018 14:03

I am a little confused about why you told your DD2 to phone you rather than 999 if she stopped breathing...

Because OP was a couple of minutes away so could get there quicker than an ambulance but I would assume the 11 yr old would call OP and an ambulance. A sensible 11 yr old is more than capable of looking after a baby, let alone a sleeping one, for 5 minutes.

Stillwishihadabs · 30/11/2018 14:03

I think Stepper mum has it. I remember MIL leaving my sleeping 8 week old with a 9 yo GD and being furious, I am now the mother of a 12yo Dd and wouldn't hesitate to leave her in charge of an 8 week old for up to 20 minutes.

knowingkaleidoscope · 30/11/2018 14:05

I'd of done the same OP, you know how mature your 11 year old is and you were only a couple of minutes away. Your 21 year old should of left nappies in the first place. I'm sure you've apologised more than enough give her some space. Sounds like she will need your help before to long.

3timeslucky · 30/11/2018 14:06

I can't imagine walking out the door and leaving any of mine at that age with an 11 year old. So on that basis I can understand why your daughter is upset.

But whether you were right or wrong isn't really the issue.

It isn't a question of real or perceived statistical risk here. She trusted you with her child and she feels what you did was an incorrect judgment call.

Rather than justify or explain I'd just apologise, say you're sorry and give her the opportunity to talk to you about what she feels strongly about as a new parent (based on past experience she may feel very strongly about most things because that sometimes comes with the territory).

She is obviously anxious (given she came home from the event) so maybe the best thing for your relationship is for her to feel that you can hear and respect her concerns, and her preferences as a parent.

tickingthebox · 30/11/2018 14:06

@Startworkbob it's a parental judgement call though isn't it? The parent isn't happy - end of story and the OP needs to apologise. I wouldn't leave my 13yo with a baby (like you!), but my 11yo niece would be 100% fine.

The parent of the 11yo made a judgement call, maybe right depending on the 11yo. BUT completely wrong as only the parent of the baby matters!

Only just thinking that many things I did with PFB I then didn't do with my second! Her daughter may see things differently when she is trying to juggle several children or may not...

puffyisgood · 30/11/2018 14:07

I'd say it's not textbook 'parent of the year' stuff but in a tight spot is basically fine.

Stillwishihadabs · 30/11/2018 14:08

And why mumsnet is wonderful. My db has just got married and in a year I could totally see this happening (eg; I leave pfb with Dd and SIL goes mad) having read this thread hopefully I will have a bit more insight.

samsamsamsamsamsam · 30/11/2018 14:11

yes I would have woken baby up and took it with me.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 30/11/2018 14:11

If the 8 week old were your daughter also then I would think it were up to you and your choice. As she isn't I don't think it was your judgment call to make and you should have either taken the baby to the shop or just used a tea towel and let her go nappy free.

myrtleWilson · 30/11/2018 14:18

I think given the DD's understandable anxiousness then most solutions to this problem had the potential to upset her
a) take baby to the shop to buy nappies - DD upset because she specifically asked for baby not to be outside due to sniffle
b) leave baby in dirty nappy - DD upset because not very pleasant
c) fashion a nappy out of a tea towel, some sanitary towels and masking tape - DD not happy because - well tea towel, sanitary towels and masking tape
d) leave sleeping baby with Dd2 - DD1 not happy because feels irresponsible.

Neither of you are wrong or right - you made a judgement call based on your experience and assessment of risk. She feels you made the wrong call (but I do think as she is struggling adjusting to motherhood and not a great as anticipated evening out then something may have upset her regardless)
Am sure you and DD1 will sort yourselves out - but in the meantime please do reassure DD2 that she hasn't gone down in DD1 estimation and that she is a great aunt as I expect DD2 will be feeling nervous about future interactions with the baby.

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/11/2018 14:20

Your DD probably just got a shock when she returned home and you weren't there on top of having a terrible evening and adjusting to being a new single mum. She will calm down and hopefully realised she had overreacted.

SelpMeGod · 30/11/2018 14:20

YANBU.

I am sure that some people go to the toilet for longer than 5 minutes and showering and hair washing takes a good 5 minutes.

If your DD hadn't fucked up in the first place there would have been no need for you to leave the baby with a more than capable 11 year old.

These 11 year olds get themselves to secondary schools on buses and navigate the tube.

She is probably angry at herself for forgetting to pack essentials for her baby.

brizzledrizzle · 30/11/2018 14:21

I would have cleaned baby with a flannel and water etc and stuck in a hot wash

Sticking the baby in a hot wash probably would have enraged OP`s DD even move Grin

diddl · 30/11/2018 14:22

I would have taken the baby.

What a shock your daughter must have got when she came back & you weren't there.

I don't think that she has made an issue over nothing-you were supposed to be looking after your GD, not your 11yr old.

Sorry that your youngest is "devastated", but maybe her sister doesn't trust her to be in sole charge?

TheWernethWife · 30/11/2018 14:22

Tell DD1 to look after her own baby in future then. I'm a mother of 3 and don't think you've done anything wrong. All this talk about fires FFS, such sensationalism from some posters.

Rhiannon13 · 30/11/2018 14:25

Where's the risk? Don't people with babies have a shower any more? Leave the room to make a cup of tea? Answer the door? The baby was being watched for goodness sake.

The poster's DD is a young new mum who'd just had a bad night out, so she was probably reacting to that more than the 'danger' the baby was in. Would she rather her baby was left in a dirty nappy?

Missingstreetlife · 30/11/2018 14:26

So you weren't going to wake baby, you could have waited til s/he woke up and go to the shop.
11 may be sensible but can she get baby out, with bad leg, if the fridge or something catches fire, if baby chokes....
If baby cries she may think it's ok to pick her up and drops on it's head....