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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Please read thread as it's a sensitive subject regarding sex

157 replies

Coldshoulders · 29/11/2018 16:07

So basically I am fwb with this guy n we have been meeting up a few times a week for a chill n some sex, no big deal. We both mutually understand that's all it is I do like him and he says he's likes me but we just have hot sex most of the time. One or two occasions I been over to see him and we haven't had sex which I didn't over think. Anyways my sensitive question is AIBU to question why I went over last night and for the first time he decided to go down on me? We never discussed it but I did consent when I realised where this was going and enjoyed myself. We then had sex and i went home. Question is he never has done that ever before and it was just so random but felt right. Is it just part of sex as I thort myself it's quite intimate and was unexpected and i have had fwb previous who never did that. I am just feeling abit confused and before people start ripping in to me i did consent and did enjoy it and i am prob just over thinking it but it is quite intimate and had me wondering wtf is going on and thankyou in advance for all ur replies x

OP posts:
HashTagLil · 29/11/2018 21:14

instead of getting all the sensation of someone vaguely drooling through a woolly sock onto your vulva

Brilliant! Grin

DerfelCadarn · 29/11/2018 21:33

I got around quite a bit in my 20s but only ever had one lover who could make me orgasm through oral... and even then it wasn't really my favourite dish on the menu. I think I am lucky because I am one of the (possibly rare) women who CAN orgasm from PIV sex and likes it best that way.

I don't enjoy oral that much generally because I don't like someone to be doing work while I'm lying back enjoying myself. It's the same in everyday life - if my partner's doing chores, I feel guilty if I'm just watching tv or whatever.

NotANotMan · 29/11/2018 22:05

That's so sad. Such female socialisation. Always put yourself last, don't ever expect a man to do anything to put himself out for you.

You do know that lots of men absolutely love giving women oral? My sex buddies would be totally disappointed if it wasn't on the menu. It's a real turn on for them.

Helmetbymidnight · 29/11/2018 22:07

I don't enjoy oral that much generally because I don't like someone to be doing work while I'm lying back enjoying myself

How weird Grin

Helmetbymidnight · 29/11/2018 22:10

Well it seems young people do sex differently.

Lots of young men don’t like giving oral but no matter because young women are massively orgasmic/don’t like to see men working too hard anyway.

I wonder what trends there will be in the future?

DerfelCadarn · 29/11/2018 22:23

I agree it is due to female socialisation and society would be better if men and women felt they had equal rights to receipt of pleasure.

But I don't think my personal wiring is going to change at the grand old age of 36

MarthaArthur · 29/11/2018 22:25

This is a bit weird. Im 28 and going on OLD a lot and men now seem very interested in giving me oral tbh i dont think its a current trend for them not to. Quiet the opposite.

Valanice1989 · 29/11/2018 22:29

The sexual revolution has actually screwed women over in a number of ways, and the emergence of FWB is one of them. Yes, some women have no interest in a long-term relationship; they only want casual sex, and think it would be safer/easier/more comfortable to get that from just one man than from several. Totally valid decision, more power to them. But I think a lot of women (especially younger ones) believe FWB will be a stepping stone to something more, when it rarely is. It’s like an extension of the way some teenage girls believe a boy must be in love if he wants to have sex. They learn pretty quickly that that isn’t actually true. Yet when they hit their twenties, it bizarrely becomes “if he wants to have regular sex with me, he must be serious about me”.

In some cases, he can be upfront about the fact that he doesn’t consider her any more than a FWB, that he wants to sleep with other women, that he’s using her for easy sex and companionship until someone better comes along, that he doesn’t even like her enough to give her the fairly non-committal title of “girlfriend”… and she’ll convince herself that he’s falling in love with her because he kissed for longer than usual after they had sex last Thursday. It’s just proof that women are socialised to be grateful for any scraps that men throw them. It’s like the scene in Dumb & Dumber where Mary tells Lloyd the chances of them becoming a couple is one in a million, and he’s ecstatic because “there’s a chance!”

chestylarue52 · 29/11/2018 22:55

@TinklyLittleLaugh

Usually I would confirm it before I went to bed with someone yes! If i hadn’t and they refused when we got there I’d just stop.

hamburgers · 29/11/2018 23:02

What the fuck?

OP I'm not that much older than you and was definitely giving and receiving oral sex with boyfriends and ONS. Is it really so rare for you/your circle of friends??

Get a new FWB by the way!

BlancheM · 29/11/2018 23:05

I'm shocked to read men refuse to do it, too. Most love any excuse to get right on there, it's what they like after all.

Osirus · 29/11/2018 23:25

I agree that done right oral sex is amazing. I can’t imagine having a fulfilling sex life without it.

That said I’m another rare lucky one who can also climax through PIV, so I guess I could make do if I had to without oral. I would miss it terribly though!

TheDowagerCuntess · 30/11/2018 01:45

And it's nothing to do with 'the technique' or that man needing to learn how to do it properly.

They do need to learn to do it properly if it feels like 'someone vaguely drooling through a woolly sock'. This suggests they're, er, doing it to the pubes, or with the pubes in the way?!

AjasLipstick · 30/11/2018 01:49

wench I also hate the feeling of oral sex. I've had more than one (very capable) men try it on me and I just don't like it.

It's too wet. It's slobbery and it turns me off to see a man's face down there. YUK!

Johnnyfinland · 30/11/2018 01:59

I’m 29 and have slept with rather a lot of men. Not a single one has ever refused to give oral or said they don’t do it! What a bizarre, sexist and offputting attitude. In my experience men can’t wait to get their chops down there - including my long term FWB

VoiceOfCommonSense · 30/11/2018 05:41

Yeah you should totally read in to this. I wonder what him trying anal would mean??

NotANotMan · 30/11/2018 06:03

But I don't think my personal wiring is going to change at the grand old age of 36

If you're in a long term relationship/marriage, possibly not. But I'm 38 and my sexual likes and habits have changed a LOT in the last few years as I've become more confident and had partners who were into different things. You can always start to enjoy new things if the conditions are right. Don't assume that your sex life now is the only way it could ever be.

Hisaishi · 30/11/2018 06:42

"But I don't think my personal wiring is going to change at the grand old age of 36"

Why would it not? Think about how much you've changed between 26 and 36. Why would between 36 and 46 be different?

People who see themselves as entirely static and complete are irrational. Human beings are very very plastic. We change continually.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 30/11/2018 06:57

What's most fascinating about this thread are the posters who are insisting that every woman must enjoy oral sex and if they don't the only reason is that the guy is doing it wrong. Confused

As if we aren't allowed to have personal preferences about this most personal of acts. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T ENJOY A MAN GOING DOWN ON YOU? OF COURSE YOU DO! HOW DARE YOU HAVE A PERSONAL OPINION, YOU WEIRDO! Hmm

PeachCokeZero · 30/11/2018 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3WildOnes · 30/11/2018 07:43

I don’t think I’ve been with a guy who hasn’t given oral and I’m not massively older than the op. If a guy told me that it was something they didn’t do then I wouldn’t be having sex with them anymore. I guess it’s a certain type of man who is like this.

Hisaishi · 30/11/2018 07:46

I'm not massively into oral either, but if a guy said he didn't do it, I wouldn't hang around.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/11/2018 07:48

Incidentally, my DPs are friends with the couple from the Joy of Sex, who are still tog

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/11/2018 07:48

.. together.

Deathgrip · 30/11/2018 08:11

The issue here is quite clear.

OP sees blow jobs as bog standard, vanilla, essential to sex activity. She’s been made to believe that oral sex on women is intimate but on men is the norm, and expected.

She’s thrown because she’s not used to sexual activities that centre her enjoyment and if anything it’s made her uncomfortable. That’s how fucked up things are right now, when women don’t feel comfortable putting their enjoyment first for a few minutes out of a longer session of sex.

OP can you see that this is part of social conditioning for women? Centre men, always. Your pleasure should come from their pleasure, not your own. Oral sex one way is not more intimidate than the other.