Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn't a date right?

251 replies

mimipaw · 27/11/2018 14:50

I just started a started a new job. One of the other trainees and I have been getting on and have a similar attitude/sense of humour. I have definitely been making the effort to be friendly just for the sake of camaraderie as much as anything else. Definitely wouldn't say we've been flirting just having a laugh together/swapping notes. I did ask last week if he wanted to meet up for coffee and then travel to a meeting together as I wanted to distract myself from nerves. The other day he texted asking if I wanted to go get a drink on Saturday, I said sure as I know it would be fun/rude to say no. I mentioned it in passing to my boyfriend who reckons my colleague has asked me on a date. Aibu to think my dp is being ridiculous especially as he hasn't seen how we interact? Dp can't come on Saturday (not that I'd want him to) and I'm not going to cancel.

OP posts:
sheswhat · 28/11/2018 00:27

@Popc0rn I get that. But at my work we don't always have weekends at home to ask "how was your weekend?" Different type of job I'm afraid.

And it sounds like it's the OPs first week or two in this job. She won't be chit chatting about her home life all day yet surely? I read it as these are all new acquaintances in a new job and town

Popc0rn · 28/11/2018 01:00

I work shifts in a female orientated environment, "how was your weekend?" was just an example. Though my colleagues are very nosey and there is ALOT of small talk at my workplace - my least favourite is "what are you having for dinner?" Grin dullest question ever!

I guess with less nosey colleagues then OP's boyfriend's existence might not have come up in conversation yet. I can see why the OP's boyfriend is a bit miffed though.

ID81241 · 28/11/2018 01:16

Why don't you invite the other trainees OP? And that would make it clear to him that you see him as a friend and also give you a better chance of making new friends who don't want to shag you. I defs think he sees it as a date.

I wouldn't meet a new colleague on the weekend... would just arrange after work drinks for the following week if a week wasn't convenient. And before baby I used to be a proper city girl going out on average 3 evenings a week with work colleagues and professional contacts. My weekend though (from Friday eve to Sunday) was sacred for my 'real' friends/ boyfriends and dates (when i was single). So I do find your attitude a little strange...surely you know drinks on the weekend gives off different intentions?

PastaRedWine · 28/11/2018 02:44

Good god. I have a regular drinks with a colleague outside work. He's in his 60s! There is no way on this earth it is a date... for either of us. It helped me establish better working relationships with a few people actually, as his insights about the business and the team I was coming in to leave were invaluable.

As long as he knows you have a partner, and your partner knows 🤷🏼‍♀️

Slapdasherie · 28/11/2018 02:56

OP has specifically said they have chatted about adjusting to new town. To not mention boyfriend at that stage is quite the omission.

Boyfriend and I will have to adjust to not being in same town anymore/ being closer/ being further apart.

Boyfriend helped me move/is coming to visit to help me unpack/can't come to visit until . . .

Something . To say nothing at all, seems deliberate.

MrsTerryPratcett · 28/11/2018 02:58

Good god. I have a regular drinks with a colleague outside work...As long as he knows you have a partner

He doesn't.

I have a lot of male friends. All of whom knew I had a DH/boyfriend before I went out for solo drinks.

CaliHummers · 28/11/2018 06:43

I just genuinely think we give off "pal" vibes to one another.

I thought that a lot in my 20s. Sometimes I was right. Sometimes I was really wrong. I worked out it was better to tread carefully until things were established. I didn't often have a boyfriend during this time which made it more difficult. You do, so it's a lot easier.

I have male friends but with most of them at some stage we've had some kind of conversation, however brief, along the lines of "we're just friends then? No remote chance of anything else? Kay, friends it is then". I'm usually single so can't wave a boyfriend around like they're garlic and potential suitors are vampires.

But at my work we don't always have weekends at home to ask "how was your weekend?" Different type of job I'm afraid

If you're more of a 9-5 Mon to Fri person Saturdays do feel different. They're more clearly separated, personal time. So meeting a colleague at those times, especially just the two of you, would mean you'd past from the "mate from work stage" into someone you allow into your personal life more. That could just be as friends - but it might be something else.

CaliHummers · 28/11/2018 06:45

Passed

Mummadeeze · 28/11/2018 07:00

I believe your intentions are to make friends but I also think he has more in mind than that. Going for a spontaneous drink after work with male friend from work - fine. Him making plans in advance to go for a drink with you on a Saturday - does sound like a date of sorts. If your boyfriend didn’t mind then fair enough, but it seems a bit inconsiderate on both of them to agree to this plan in my opinion.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/11/2018 07:09

OP: AIBU?
MN: yes
OP: no I'm not
MN: But you are
OP; I'm not.

---ad nauseam

TeddybearBaby · 28/11/2018 07:37

Let us know how you get on please.

everydaymum · 28/11/2018 07:39

I genuinely think we give off 'pal' vibes.......then why are you asking if it's a date?

TeddybearBaby · 28/11/2018 07:40

Ps I don’t think your unreasonable and you haven’t made any excuses. Took on board people’s opinions and explained why you felt the want you did. Then came up with a solution based on this thread. Don’t really know what more you could do 🤷🏻‍♀️.

TeddybearBaby · 28/11/2018 07:42

Cos she told her bf her plans and he said that sounds like a date @everydaymum

AbyRabin · 28/11/2018 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DiamondsInTheMud · 28/11/2018 07:58

Not rtft, but 6 months ago i met a guy from work as friends, bf wasnt happy about it but told him he was being silly.

I then got drunk with colleague, kissed him, left my bf and me and colleague are now a couple.

Im happy with how its turned out, but regret going about it the way i did.

Even if you don't want anythinh to happen with colleague, you need to mention that you have a bf, or else you're leading him on.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/11/2018 09:15

TeddybearBaby, the op's last post is still saying "yeah but..."

Alfie190 · 28/11/2018 09:30

You haven't mentioned your boyfriend and wouldn't want him there anyway. Hmm I think you are suppressing something and it s definitely a date!

TeddybearBaby · 28/11/2018 10:11

@BitOutOfPractice I’m reading it like ‘I’m sure it’s going to be fine when I tell him because........’. So she’s going to tell him but she’s anticipating the colleague to be on the same page as her.

HomeMadeMadness · 28/11/2018 10:13

I wouldn’t be meeting colleagues outside of work .

Just had to comment to say that's really weird - you would never make friends with anyone you work with?

Yulebealrite · 28/11/2018 10:22

Just be upfront about the boyfriend then it's up to him.

And in future drop his name into early conversations to avoid this precise ambiguity.

Bibijayne · 28/11/2018 10:28

I really wish people would just say - 'Would you like to go on a date with me?' - life would be so much easier.

BloodyDisgrace · 28/11/2018 10:45

I wouldn't go. Your DP is 100% right and I personally think he should be your priority.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/11/2018 10:49

That's not how I read it @TeddybearBaby I read it as "it's definitely not a date because I haven't indicated that I like him romantically and he knows that". I don't think he does.

Anyway, she's going to finally mention her BF now so hopefully all confusion will be ended

SilverySurfer · 28/11/2018 10:49

XJerseyGirlX
So after all this advise OP are you going to cancel?

Of course she won't.

Or are you going to ignore everyone because it wasn't what you wanted to hear?

Of course she is.