Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn't a date right?

251 replies

mimipaw · 27/11/2018 14:50

I just started a started a new job. One of the other trainees and I have been getting on and have a similar attitude/sense of humour. I have definitely been making the effort to be friendly just for the sake of camaraderie as much as anything else. Definitely wouldn't say we've been flirting just having a laugh together/swapping notes. I did ask last week if he wanted to meet up for coffee and then travel to a meeting together as I wanted to distract myself from nerves. The other day he texted asking if I wanted to go get a drink on Saturday, I said sure as I know it would be fun/rude to say no. I mentioned it in passing to my boyfriend who reckons my colleague has asked me on a date. Aibu to think my dp is being ridiculous especially as he hasn't seen how we interact? Dp can't come on Saturday (not that I'd want him to) and I'm not going to cancel.

OP posts:
boymum9 · 27/11/2018 18:31

It's weird you say your bf just "hasn't come up", I'll always bring my dh up in conversation very quickly!

AliciaEleanor · 27/11/2018 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

itsbetterwithoutyou · 27/11/2018 18:41

Not now AliciaEleanor.

Notquiteagandt · 27/11/2018 18:48

After work drinks to me is casual and friendly. But saturday night seems a bit date like to me tbh.

OutPinked · 27/11/2018 18:50

I’d be fucked off with my DP if he accepted the offer of a drink from a woman at work, yes. If it were group drinks that’s different but one to one drinking hereto male and female definitely sounds like a date to me.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 27/11/2018 18:53

OP I think you are either naive, or trying to kid everyone else there is no intention here, but you aint kidding your partner

A new male friend, asks you out for a drink on a Saturday night, you mention it in passing to your partner - and he called you out on it - and you are glad your partner cannot go

You are playing with fire.

rude to say no = a poor excuse (not a reason) to say no to this meeting. It is more rude to your partner

Imagine if he told you that you that he was going out with an unknown woman and was hoping that you would stay away.

Wake up girl.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 27/11/2018 18:54

If it were my husband going on a drinks night with a new female colleague on a Saturday night whilst being pleased I was staying away, I would be considering bin bagging his clothes, as this has deception written all over it

OP obviously your DH is not that important to you, that much shines clear

trojanpony · 27/11/2018 18:56

It’s a Saturday.
It’s a date.
And once you mention your previously unmentioned boyfriend it will Awkward As Fuck

Pleaaaaase update us post-nondate night

Newmum0987 · 27/11/2018 18:57

Oh I would not want my oh to do this at all. Sorry, but a new friendship with a woman would ring alarm bells for me. Old friends, fine. But a new friendship would just be a no-no. Sorry, just my opinion and I know my oh would say the same for me too.

Baking101 · 27/11/2018 19:05

You're not a nice girlfriend or friend. You know it's a date this guy wants and you're happy to lead him on. You like the attention and all you're gonna do is hurt your friend, which you don't care about. And you're hurting your boyfriend by dating someone else.

With friends like you who needs enemies.

octotune · 27/11/2018 19:12

Also, you knew it was a date because otherwise you wouldn't have started the thread

Biggles398 · 27/11/2018 19:18

He thinks it's a date. It's on a weekend! And you've not mentioned you've got a boyfriend. Say you can't go, because your boyfriend has organised something.

Somerford · 27/11/2018 19:20

Give over. You know exactly what you're doing.

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 27/11/2018 19:30

I've seen this very same situation play out - it ended badly for all parties and almost destroyed a guy's career.

Stop being so obtuse OP; tell the guy you've got a boyfriend and it isn't a date. I call bullshit on the 'subtly mentioning', it sounds like you're hedging your bets.

burnoutbabe · 27/11/2018 19:45

Are there no other trainees to invite along to make it a group outing?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 27/11/2018 19:48

My DP has female friends, I've got absolutely no issue with that at all and never have done however I wouldn't like this.

It's a Saturday night, new work colleague not an old friend and the guy has no idea that your partner exists. I'd be hurt and upset if I was your partner.

This has got date written all over it.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 27/11/2018 19:53

Ask " shall we invite so and so? ( some of your other colleagues)
This will allow him to see that you don't see it as a date. If he says that he prefers it just the two of you, then you have your answer and then it's your cue to mention your boyfriend.

Somerford · 27/11/2018 19:57

*Are there no other trainees to invite along to make it a group outing?

That would be awkward, seeing as it's clearly a date.

Trills · 27/11/2018 20:00

This is why you should WANT to mention your boyfriend to people.

So that then if they ask you out for a friendly drink, you know it's just a friendly drink.

It may be that this man would very happily go for a just-friends drink with you, since you both don't know many people in this town.

But right now, you don't know if that's the case, and you don't know how he'll react if you mention your boyfriend partway through the evening, or if he tries to flirt and you rebuff him.

It's very very hard to tell how men will react in those situations, even if they seem nice, and so it's best to avoid getting into those situations in the first place, if you can do so easily, which you can by mentioning your boyfriend. (those of us without boyfriends have no easy shortcut to use to tell men "I don't fancy you but I do want to be your friend")

halfwitpicker · 27/11/2018 20:03

Are you green or what?

CaliHummers · 27/11/2018 20:07

I haven't mentioned my boyfriend, honestly, it's just never come up. We're constantly talking about work and getting used to our new city.

OP I mention exes in conversation in passing quicker than you mention your boyfriend. Not because I'm shoehorning them into conversations but because I'll talk about places I've been or events I've attended and they happen to have been there. It is weird not to have mentioned him. It's just odd that he doesn't seem to feature in your life.

I was somewhat naive in my 20s and totally convinced that men and women can just be friends. Some 20 years later I know men and women can be friends but I've also worked out that if you're both straight it's good to lay down some ground rules as soon as possible. If you've got a partner, talk about them. if you haven't, make sure any meetings are as part of a group until you've both worked out what's going on.

My bet would be that he is at least thinking/ hoping it might be a date. You've broken a number of the ground rules - not mentioned a partner, meeting on a weekend, just the two of you meeting.

DavedeeDozyBeakyMickandTich · 27/11/2018 20:09

The fact you have not mentioned you are in a relationship once in all the chats, getting to know each other, going for a coffee etc but you know you get on well and have a similar sense of humour speaks volumes. Of course he thinks it's a date and your "well I didn't lie I just didn't get around to mentioning it" attitude is classic behaviour of people who enjoy the attention and/or end up in emotional/physical affairs. How do I know this, because I've been there! This is going to be awkward now one way or another

Trills · 27/11/2018 20:11

One might argue that it's a good thing - if he reacts badly to your saying that you have a boyfriend, then you didn't want to be friends with that guy anyway.

But I can see a case where a nice-enough-to-be-your-friend man might, in the moment of finding out that you have a boyfriend while he thinks you are on a date, say or do or just think something that makes him embarrassed and makes him no longer able to hang out with you without recalling that embarrassment, and so you've lost a potential friend.

Sethis · 27/11/2018 21:05

One might argue that it's a good thing - if he reacts badly to your saying that you have a boyfriend, then you didn't want to be friends with that guy anyway.

How do you expect the guy to react, if he turns up to what he thinks (legitimately) is a date, and you start the date by mentioning your BF?

ReadMyLipss · 27/11/2018 21:08

Turn it around and say it was your DP who was going out with a woman he recently met on a Saturday night and he hasn't told her that you exist. I don't think you'd be too happy with that scenario either.