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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn't a date right?

251 replies

mimipaw · 27/11/2018 14:50

I just started a started a new job. One of the other trainees and I have been getting on and have a similar attitude/sense of humour. I have definitely been making the effort to be friendly just for the sake of camaraderie as much as anything else. Definitely wouldn't say we've been flirting just having a laugh together/swapping notes. I did ask last week if he wanted to meet up for coffee and then travel to a meeting together as I wanted to distract myself from nerves. The other day he texted asking if I wanted to go get a drink on Saturday, I said sure as I know it would be fun/rude to say no. I mentioned it in passing to my boyfriend who reckons my colleague has asked me on a date. Aibu to think my dp is being ridiculous especially as he hasn't seen how we interact? Dp can't come on Saturday (not that I'd want him to) and I'm not going to cancel.

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 27/11/2018 21:11

I find it very strange that you mentioned “in passing” to your boyfriend about meeting your colleague for a drink, but that you haven’t had a chance to mention in passing to your colleague that you have a boyfriend?

TeddybearBaby · 27/11/2018 21:45

It’s not the end of the world, easily rectified. We don’t even know if he is expecting it to be a date yet. You might be on the same page! Good luck with it and making friends where you are.

Popc0rn · 27/11/2018 21:57

100% a date.

I went for a Saturday night drink with a work colleague who I had known and chatted with for a while. Turns out his "flatmate" who he occasionally mentioned, was actually his girlfriend Blush. I never would have gone on that date if I'd known that. Or the second, or the third, fourth, fifth etc. It didn't end well for anyone.

Nacreous · 27/11/2018 22:03

I am in my mid twenties, and if I were going out for a drink on a Saturday night with one colleague who had never mentioned a girlfriend, I would think I was going on a date. I would, however, get over that sharpish and just get on and be friends if they explained they did have a girlfriend.

Original poster
mimipaw · 27/11/2018 22:27

I just genuinely think we give off "pal" vibes to one another.

OP posts:
everybodypuuuuulllll · 27/11/2018 22:39

I just genuinely think we give off "pal" vibes to one another

But what if you're wrong? It's not a nice way to treat a friend, or a would-be-friend.

You are making this into a much bigger deal than it needs to be. Just resolve to tell him casually somehow, then do it. Problem solved.

rumidumi · 27/11/2018 22:45

Have you told him yet??

WhyAmISoCold · 27/11/2018 23:10

Sorry OP, I'm as socially inept as they come but even I can see him asking you for a drink and you accepting is a date. You need to make it clear asap that this is as friends and no more.

twattymctwatterson · 27/11/2018 23:34

Op, no one is buying this Faux innocence thing

Jaffacakebeast · 27/11/2018 23:44

I buy the innocence thing, it’s a new stressful job, you’ve made a friend, he may or may not think there’s more 2 it, I would suggest txin him and saying can we meet at 8 instead of 7 Saturday as my boyfriend is now getting a later train home, then he has time to back out of it, if to him it was infact a date, (misunderstandings) or say sure mate see u at 8, simple

sheswhat · 27/11/2018 23:50

Do none of you people have male friends? Hmm

Jaffacakebeast · 27/11/2018 23:51

I don’t think they do

Sethis · 27/11/2018 23:53

@sheswhat

I am a male, and this is still bullshit.

What was your point again?

sheswhat · 27/11/2018 23:54

No, obviously not! I've had drinks at a weekend with shock horror male workmates. And my DP has with female ones! Sometimes we all even meet up together, crazy or what?! Hmm

sheswhat · 27/11/2018 23:55

My point is that I have been out for nights out with various different male colleagues. All entirely innocent, no dating. Just drinking

sheswhat · 27/11/2018 23:56

And as a man you don't speak for the entire male population. As I clearly don't for these women!

Sethis · 27/11/2018 23:58

Not even remotely the problem here, sheswhat.

The problem is deliberately leading someone on, even though you already have a partner.

And if not deliberately leading on, then accidently leading them on, and upon realising it, doing nothing about it.

Almost nobody is saying "You can't have a drink with a male colleague".

Everyone is saying "It's not okay to pretend to be single, lie by omission, or allow this guy to work under false pretences a moment longer than absolutely necessary".

Popc0rn · 28/11/2018 00:00

@sheswhat

How would you feel if your DP had not mentioned any hint of your existence to his colleagues that he is friendly enough to go for drinks with?

I don't think anyone has said OP is unreasonable to make friends with a man, just that this situation seems a bit odd as he is probably assuming she is single... potentially quite awkward come Saturday.

sheswhat · 28/11/2018 00:01

She said she's going to tell him she has a boyfriend. And then go for a drink as planned in the new city where she knows nobody else but has made a friend.

What's the issue?

sheswhat · 28/11/2018 00:03

@Popc0rn I read that she's going to tell him. Unless I've missed the bit where she's now not then I don't see an issue.

I wouldn't expect my DP to instantly announce my existence to every colleague he meets. Maybe the first time they'll have chance to actually chat about anything other than work is at the pub?

martinidry · 28/11/2018 00:11

People are being very rude to this young woman. Somebody said that people were "upset" because mimipaw wasn't agreeing with them. Somebody else mentioned "slaggy" behaviour. So so very rude and unnecessary.
People are invested far too much in this young woman's life and choices if they are getting "upset" about it.
Mini paw, I hope you enjoy your evening.

Sethis · 28/11/2018 00:16

She said she's going to tell him she has a boyfriend.

After being yelled at by MN for essentially two pages. Which doesn't really support your initial statement of "do none of you have male friends?". We do. Some of us are male. And it's not the point being made.

And then go for a drink as planned in the new city where she knows nobody else but has made a friend.

Nobody has an issue with this, apart from some people being worried on her behalf that it might be awkward as all get out.

Again, the problem isn't the meeting for a drink. The problem is not mentioning the DP, despite supposedly having many conversations in person and over text with this new guy, and reciprocally inviting each other for drinks, alone, when her DP isn't even in the same town as she is, and STILL not mention that she does in fact have a DP, even when one of those drinks is saturday night drinks together, which is pretty much the stock go-to when it comes to two single people meeting for a date.

If I was the new guy in this scenario I'd be thinking I was in luck, and getting ready for a fantastic romantic date on Saturday, and it's cruel to let him continue thinking that, never mind the disrespect being shown to the DP, who's probably already had worries about his GF moving to a new place.

everydaymum · 28/11/2018 00:19

You may not have been flirty and you may have no interest in this guy, but this is a date. I wouldn't go out socially with another guy without my DH, but that's just me - if you and your DP do, that's up to you. I think you should tell your colleague though that you have a DP so that you're both on the same page before the night so that he doesn't make a move that could be embarrassing for both of you.

Popc0rn · 28/11/2018 00:21

@sheswhat

I don't announce my relationship status at work either, but generic small talk such as "how was your weekend?" means I mention my boyfriend's name at work at least once a day.

But then as I mentioned above, I went for a Saturday night drink, AKA date, with someone I worked with years ago who had never got round to mentioning the fact that he had a girlfriend, and subsequently unwittingly entered into a relationship/affair with them. So I'm probably viewing the situation with cynical eyes!

Tbh I'd be interested to see what would happen if OP doesn't mention about her boyfriend to him before Saturday.

sheswhat · 28/11/2018 00:23

Ok, well, we will have to agree to disagree. You seem very over invested and why the new colleague would be gearing up for a very romantic date I'll never know. They are going for a pint, not up the Eiffel Tower at sunset.

Maybe as a shift worker in a very male orientated environment I'm just used to being friends with male colleagues. And Saturday is just any other day. Not reserved for dating like it seems to be on this thread. Who knows?

OP - you enjoy your night out and let your colleague know about your BF before he whisks you off to Paris or something so very awkward HmmGrin