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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn't a date right?

251 replies

mimipaw · 27/11/2018 14:50

I just started a started a new job. One of the other trainees and I have been getting on and have a similar attitude/sense of humour. I have definitely been making the effort to be friendly just for the sake of camaraderie as much as anything else. Definitely wouldn't say we've been flirting just having a laugh together/swapping notes. I did ask last week if he wanted to meet up for coffee and then travel to a meeting together as I wanted to distract myself from nerves. The other day he texted asking if I wanted to go get a drink on Saturday, I said sure as I know it would be fun/rude to say no. I mentioned it in passing to my boyfriend who reckons my colleague has asked me on a date. Aibu to think my dp is being ridiculous especially as he hasn't seen how we interact? Dp can't come on Saturday (not that I'd want him to) and I'm not going to cancel.

OP posts:
naicepineapple · 27/11/2018 17:42

It's quite hard to not mention a partner when you're forming friendships, especially with someone you're spending the whole working week with.

^ this. I'd have to actively avoid mentioning my DH for him not to come up in conversation. It is a bit weird that you've never mentioned your bf. Have you never talked about your weekends or evenings?

Sethis · 27/11/2018 17:42

@mimipaw

So that's a "No" to my question then?

In fact we have another gem of prevarication:

"I don't think I'm stringing my colleague along as I just can't believe the only reason we're going out is because he's interested in being more than friends."

None of which has anything to do with how your colleague perceives the situation. He's still, at this moment, blissfully unaware of your DP.

I'm going to subtly mention I have a boyfriend.

If you don't do this, right now, like now, then I'm pretty sure that's enough evidence for me to make my case of "creating drama" rather than "honest mistake". Nothing to be gained by delay apart from an increase in drama levels as time goes on.

daisychain01 · 27/11/2018 17:45

I don't think I'm stringing my colleague along

Fine, then state your personal circumstances loud and clear, that you have a boyfriend and you're busy with him this weekend. Go on, I dare ya Grin

daisychain01 · 27/11/2018 17:46

Lying by omission ....?

Original poster
mimipaw · 27/11/2018 17:48

It's quite hard to not mention a partner when you're forming friendships, especially with someone you're spending the whole working week with

We're not in each others pockets as we're working on separate things but catch up when we see each other and there is time available. We shared our induction together (along with 3 other trainees).

OP posts:
naicepineapple · 27/11/2018 17:51

We're not in each others pockets as we're working on separate things but catch up when we see each other and there is time available. We shared our induction together (along with 3 other trainees).

It's even more strange then that the other trainees aren't invited on the coffee and drinks dates then tbh if you aren't even working particularly closely together.

Original poster
mimipaw · 27/11/2018 17:53

I've already stated I will make it clear I have a boyfriend- either today or tomorrow. Clearly, there have been some crossed wires, don't know why so many people want to lambast me for it. It was totally unintentional. There is no reason for me to lie on here. I'm holding my hands up.

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 27/11/2018 17:53

Swapping notes?!?! How old are you, 10?!?!

misses point

Shoxfordian · 27/11/2018 17:55

It's still odd to not have ever mentioned your boyfriend when you're catching up and having a general chat

Original poster
mimipaw · 27/11/2018 17:56

"It's even more strange then that the other trainees aren't invited on the coffee and drinks dates then tbh if you aren't even working particularly closely together"

The other grads weren't apart of the meeting we attended after the coffee.

OP posts:
Original poster
mimipaw · 27/11/2018 17:57

"swapping notes"

Not literally i.e we've been comparing our experiences.

OP posts:
GeorgeTheHippo · 27/11/2018 17:58

You're being a bit odd about this op.

Everyone has said so.

Are you usually odd, socially?

Bunnymumma · 27/11/2018 17:59

Thanks @daisychain01!

Sethis · 27/11/2018 18:00

It was totally unintentional.

Yes, and when I knock over a candle into my curtains I don't stand around saying "Oh, but I didn't mean to knock it over" or "I thought the candle would be okay there" or "It's the curtain's fault for being so flammable" or "I never imagined I would ever knock it over".

You put out the fire.

Most of the people here aren't too upset about you making the mistake. They're upset about you refusing to correct that mistake at the earliest practical opportunity.

Worsethingshappen · 27/11/2018 18:02

You haven’t been odd. I can see how this happened. But actually I think it’s better to find a good excuse to cancel first, then make sure that it’s obvious to him that it’s platonic and subtly mention your partner.
If you mention your partner but still have a date arranged and his intention was romantic it puts him in an awkward situation.

Strongmummy · 27/11/2018 18:03

@minipaw, ha ha oh yes, sorry about that 🤣🤣

Worsethingshappen · 27/11/2018 18:03

And whilst you want a friend, in this instance, you must consider his feelings first, as it’s likely he thinks it’s a date.

everybodypuuuuulllll · 27/11/2018 18:10

I just can't believe the only reason we're going out is because he's interested in being more than friends.

Do you have any evidence he doesn't think this?

thatsepicbro · 27/11/2018 18:12

I really don't see why everyone's saying it's a date. You've said numerous times your both in a new area and don't know many people. Yes I'd slip into conversation about having a dp but don't cancel when your trying to make friends. I think it's sad that women are put under pressure constantly 'of wasting a mans time' how do you all know he thinks its a date? if this was another woman colleague no one would bat an eyelid at having a drink on a Saturday night!

RedLife · 27/11/2018 18:12

He asked you for a drink because he fancies you and assumes you're single. How long have you worked together? Has anything personal been discussed? Also is he single?

Mookatron · 27/11/2018 18:15

You don't have to apologise or justify yourself to anyone on this thread OP. For what it's worth I agree with the majority that he thinks it's a date but if you clear that up you can move on and no harm done. And you are - shock - entitled to do that when you can rather than when internet anons say you should. He may not even have thought of it as a date (you do need to be clear though). Most of us are not of your generation after all Wink

LilLido · 27/11/2018 18:16

If it's sounds like flirting and sounds like a date.....then it probably is! Blush

XiCi · 27/11/2018 18:24

Yes thatsepicbro because men ask women out for drinks all the time because they just want to make new friends. Happens sooooo often. No idea why all these people could possibly imagine he was thinking anything else Grin

ShatnersBassoon · 27/11/2018 18:24

We're not in each others pockets as we're working on separate things but catch up when we see each other and there is time available.

Catching up; but not mentioning the person who is probably most important to you at this stage in your life. Do you think your boyfriend and your life with him might have come up in conversation with a female colleague you had become friends with?

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 27/11/2018 18:27

If it's because you want to make friends in your new local area then itd appropriate to include your boyfriend as you're going to be living together.