This isn't a date right?

[mimipaw]

I just started a started a new job. One of the other trainees and I have been getting on and have a similar attitude/sense of humour. I have definitely been making the effort to be friendly just for the sake of camaraderie as much as anything else. Definitely wouldn't say we've been flirting just having a laugh together/swapping notes. I did ask last week if he wanted to meet up for coffee and then travel to a meeting together as I wanted to distract myself from nerves. The other day he texted asking if I wanted to go get a drink on Saturday, I said sure as I know it would be fun/rude to say no. I mentioned it in passing to my boyfriend who reckons my colleague has asked me on a date. Aibu to think my dp is being ridiculous especially as he hasn't seen how we interact? Dp can't come on Saturday (not that I'd want him to) and I'm not going to cancel.

The only reason I'm hesitant to cancel completely is because I genuinely don't know many people here. And once the workload lightens up and I have more free time I think potentially I could be lonely. Although my boyfriend is relatively close by his workload is probably more demanding than mine right now (plus he works shifts).

Cancel and say you forgot you're seeing your boyfriend. You can make other local friends

So, 21/22, graduate trainee... How it sounds anyway.

If you want to get to know colleagues as colleagues you go out for lunch or straight after work. And you make it clear you're not single.

Come off it with the "couldn't say no" stuff. I'm not sure why you think declining an invitation is rude but letting somebody think they're going on a date with you is somehow not rude. You're either being deliberately unfair, or letting people walk all over you.

Would your work send you on an assertiveness course? Then you can learn how to say no without feeling rude or being rude, and not get yourself into situations like this in future.

It's a bit of a passive aggressive cop out to only clarify you have a boyfriend by telling him you want to meet near the station. Don't you like him enough to be direct?

You're the one who didn't bother telling him you had a boyfriend before accepting his invitation to go on a date, so you're the one who should have to deal with the discomfort of clearing things up - rather than leaving him to feel stupid and embarrassed because you've brought up your boyfriend in such a passive aggressive way as to suggest this colleague should somehow have already known about your secret boyfriend.

It's not a great way to behave with somebody you need to have a decent professional relationship with.

Op I used to think that men were interested in being just friends too. 90% of the time they don't want to be just friends though.

Maybe I am being thick, but once I've mentioned I have a boyfriend why would be inappropriate to have a drink?

It's a date and I think you're out of order.

Not mentioning one's partner is classic slaggy behaviour (male or female)

*would it

I think because we've arranged to meet on a Saturday our meet up sounds less platonic. He suggested the "end of week" (Thurs/ Friday/ Sat) but he has a deadline on Friday (which I do not) so we agreed to Saturday as he would be less stressed.

I'm there to work, not find my OTP. I find it kind of insulting really.

@GotThatWhatWhat

Because nobody you know has ever met their current partner through work? Right.

I mention in passing my GF for several reasons:

1. Heterosexual females who are attracted to me know I'm off limits

1. Homosexual males who are attracted to me know I'm off limits

1. All colleagues of both genders are aware that if I invite them out for a drink, or food, or a movie, or tell them they look nice, or compliment them in any way, it is because I genuinely like them as a person and I want to be friends, not because I want to get in their pants. I'm a genuinely kind and helpful person who doesn't hesitate to give lifts to colleagues, buy drinks or lunch with no expectation of repayment, lend stuff and whatever. This has previously been mistaken for romantic intent, by a third party who had noticed I was "being really nice" to a woman I worked with, and incorrectly assumed I wanted to shag her. I'd rather that didn't happen again.

A tangential reference to your DP saves a hundred different headaches and potential crossed wires, and costs nothing at all to yourself. Why would you NOT do it? I honestly don't understand why this would annoy anyone, unless you never shut up about your DP, because everyone hates that.

You don't need to cancel meeting this guy. You just need to be clear about what your intentions are. He needs to know it's not a date. That's all.

So Sethis if you know you've done it inadvertently surely you can see the OP might've rather than be 'shit stirring'. More straightforward to name drop partner - yes. Morally lax not to - absolutely not.

He's asked you out. When you accepted, didn't you think to ask who else would be there?
Sure you're a bit lonely at the minute but you can't let people believe they've got a chance with you romantically when they haven't.

Hence my other option - "socially unaware"

Moreover, "socially unaware" only covers the first instance of accidentally making this guy think she's single and interested in him by failing to mention her DP. It doesn't cover the fact that she's got a whole thread of people here telling her to come clean, and she still hasn't done it.

Instead she's still asking questions like "But why would he be interested in me?" and "I'll tell him later". So even after being alerted to the fact that it's a problem by the vast majority of people on this thread (whose opinions she was seeking by posting in the first place) she's still taken no action.

*not that anyone else needs to be there but it's the least awkward way to let someone know it's definitely friendship territory.

Sethis
You've misquoted me.

Would be a waste of time, if you now tell him you have a boyfriend, and then he still has to go on a date with you on Saturday (to avoid being perceived as rude/whatever).

@mimipaw

So you've told this other guy that you have a DP?

OP: AIBU? This isn't a date.
MN: Yes, it's a date. YABU.
OP: No, it's not and I'm not BU.

I think youd have to be pretty dense not to realise this is a date. You're not friends with this person. You want to get to know him better, have said you have the same attitudes, same sense of humour ie there is an attraction there. Coupled with the fact that you have led him to believe you are available by not mentioning your bf I think it's very obvious that Saturday is more than a work catch up. If I was your bf Id be considering dumping you.
Similarly if I was the bloke from work Id be pissed off that you had not told me that you had a bf and would wonder wtf you had been wasting my time by accepting a date. Pretty shitty thing to do to both blokes tbh. All you need to do is text office bloke and say that just in case there is any confusion you need to let him know you have a bf. But you don't want to do this which leads me to believe that you like him alot more than you are letting on!

You asked the question ‘is it a date?’
95% of the people on this board are saying yes, and your colleague thinks your single. Why are you now correcting everyone? If you didn’t want People’s opinions you shouldn’t have asked....

@Mitzimaybe I'm a total newb, so would you tell me what the emoji means?? I'm dying to know!

Another thing to consider here is not starting out in the wrong foot with your other colleagues. If they find out you have a DP and that this guy didn't know, you might come off looking pretty bad. Reputations are so bloody hard to turn around, especially in a competitive workplace!

@Sethis

Don't forget bragging rights! Before we started working from home, I mentioned my chap all the time, because I couldn't help having a little float over how lucky I felt!

It's quite hard to not mention a partner when you're forming friendships, especially with someone you're spending the whole working week with. Discussing what you did at the weekend, upcoming plans, what you watched on TV with them last night, a daft message they've just sent you...

Your colleague is expecting a date, and may think you're now fabricating the boyfriend as a rubbish excuse to get out of it!

@Bunnymumma

Damn straight.

No, wait, I mean I would never be so shallow as to do that to my colleagues and work friends. I'm a nice guy, remember?

I'm not saying I wasn't unreasonable, just that I didn't automatically assume it was a date given how few people we both now in this city.

Also, I'm not correcting people just trying to keep the facts straight.

I'm going to subtly mention I have a boyfriend. I don't think I'm stringing my colleague along as I just can't believe the only reason we're going out is because he's interested in being more than friends.

I'm a total newb, so would you tell me what the emoji means?? I'm dying to know!

Just to clarify what means, it's the Mumsnet version of a virtual 'raspberry' because the OP has asked a question, asked for people's opinion and then decides she doesn't like the answer so is ignoring people's feedback.

OP keep things uncomplicated - which involves meeting this colleague for coffee or lunch at work in work time breaks not at the weekend. Saturdays - in this context - are fraught with misunderstandings and x-wires, so best to avoid.