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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn't a date right?

251 replies

mimipaw · 27/11/2018 14:50

I just started a started a new job. One of the other trainees and I have been getting on and have a similar attitude/sense of humour. I have definitely been making the effort to be friendly just for the sake of camaraderie as much as anything else. Definitely wouldn't say we've been flirting just having a laugh together/swapping notes. I did ask last week if he wanted to meet up for coffee and then travel to a meeting together as I wanted to distract myself from nerves. The other day he texted asking if I wanted to go get a drink on Saturday, I said sure as I know it would be fun/rude to say no. I mentioned it in passing to my boyfriend who reckons my colleague has asked me on a date. Aibu to think my dp is being ridiculous especially as he hasn't seen how we interact? Dp can't come on Saturday (not that I'd want him to) and I'm not going to cancel.

OP posts:
MumNeedsANap · 27/11/2018 15:36

Definitely a date!

XJerseyGirlX · 27/11/2018 15:36

So after all this advise OP are you going to cancel? Or are you going to ignore everyone because it wasnt what you wanted to hear?

UpstartCrow · 27/11/2018 15:37

You thought you were getting to know a colleague and its possible he thinks its a date.
It would be a good idea to set him straight before Saturday, just in case.

Nesssie · 27/11/2018 15:38

He almost certainly thinks it's a date.
You need to be clear to this guy it's not a date.
Lots of my mates are blokes, and I'd happily meet them in a pub for a drink and a chat without thinking anything of it. Difference is, we both know it's not a date, and my DP would be more than welcome to come along if he was free.

^This. I am good friends with a male colleague, had to make it very clear right at the beginning that I wasn't interested and they were just meet ups, not dates. Now we can go out for meals, to the cinema etc and its not awkward at all. But you do have to continually spell it out for them!

pumpastrotter · 27/11/2018 15:38

Yep, he definitely thinks it's a date, OP, and it's strange you haven't mentioned your partner in passing even if you 'only talk about work'. I'd bring it directly up with him, it's not unusual to socialise out of work but it is unusual to socialise so personally with a colleague you barely know who isn't aware you're not available. Might be subconsciously, but I think you've purposely omitted mentioning your other half.

kateandme · 27/11/2018 15:38

id be telling him somehow straight away about your bf.then hed be a dick to try anything and if not he wont take it to heart at all just something new he now knows about you.so "sorry I was on the phone to dp and thought id be late." "sorry,dp was going to join us but was busy last minute so itl be just us"" I should have asked if we were bringing our dps shouldn't I,sorry bout that?"

BlueJava · 27/11/2018 15:38

Unless you have reason to meet up on a Saturday (i.e. no special travel and you're working on Saturday) why would you meet up with him? I'd mentioned my OH very quickly to him - sounds like a date to me.

everybodypuuuuulllll · 27/11/2018 15:38

Why not invite new colleague along to something you and your DP are doing?

kateandme · 27/11/2018 15:40

or better still I assume youll see him before hand at work so put your dp into the convo.whichwould be really easy to do.

pumpastrotter · 27/11/2018 15:41

I know he doesn't like his flatmate so assumed he doesn't have many people to get a drink with. so you know about his flatmate but he doesn't know about your boyfriend Hmm Sure, Jan.

ErickBroch · 27/11/2018 15:42

Beyond inappropriate to your bf

Original poster
mimipaw · 27/11/2018 15:43

I do appreciate everyone's input. Believe me, I get no enjoyment from "playing games"- it's really not my style at all. I went to an all-girls school and met my bf first year at university so I may be a tad naive.

I will certainly mention my boyfriend- think I will message him and suggest we meet at a bar by the station as I can then jump on a train and meet dp after (even though I won't).

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 27/11/2018 15:44

I honestly don't even think this is real... every response is just making excuses. It's very very obvious that this guy thinks it is a date, thinks you are single and wants to get to know you better. Ridiculous

Mookatron · 27/11/2018 15:45

If you were living/working in an environment where this kind of thing isn't necessarily seen as a date - teaching/studying abroad e.g - it might not be a date.

But you're not, so he probably thinks it's a date. Sorry OP, it's a bit depressing to have to acknowledge.

Original poster
mimipaw · 27/11/2018 15:45

pumpastrotter I asked where he was living as I know the area, he mentioned how his flatemate is difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
mimipaw · 27/11/2018 15:47

I'm not trying to make excuses just explain why I really didn't think it was inappropriate.

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 27/11/2018 15:48

But everyone has told you it is? And you are just going to carry on anyway.

You asked if it's a date, everyone has said yes, and you don't care. Not sure why you bothered asking

BraienaK · 27/11/2018 15:48

It doesn't necessarily have to be a date if your interactions/relationship with the trainee haven't been heading in that direction. Chances are you're both just trying to make friends and it's hard to do that in an office - at some point you have to take it outside the office to really be friends.

As long as your boyfriend is cool with it (and why wouldn't he be fine with you making friends if that's all it is?) and you feel comfortable, don't worry about it too much. Just mention your boyfriend in passing sometime between now and Saturday night and see how the guy reacts - most likely he won't bat an eyelash and it'll be a weight off your chest.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/11/2018 15:49

I just think it would be strange to have him come.

I would agree: but I also think you need to be clear with the new guy that this isn't a date for you.

Will you work with him before Saturday? If so, I'd mention DP somehow, but ideally not at all linked to Saturday so it's not obvious what you're trying to do. That either lets him cancel for some reason or meet you as a friend with the boundaries already established.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 27/11/2018 15:49

Eeek. Agree with others. It's a date. I see my colleagues evenings and weekends. They are all men, we get on really well. But I've worked with them forever, they all know I'm happily married, as are all of them. We are on an equal footing and just great mates. You guys aren't on an equal footing. I can't believe that the fact you have recently relocated to a new place with your boyfriend "simply hasn't come up" in conversation with someone you are comfortable enough to invite for coffee.

FinallyHere · 27/11/2018 15:50

It's a date. Depressingly, I shoehorn DH into conversations fairly quickly for this exact reason. I work away a lot and it's a hazard of the job. Tell him.

This ^

NonaGrey · 27/11/2018 15:55

It’s a Saturday night, not a drink after work.
You get on well and you haven’t mentioned a boyfriend in all the time you’ve worked together.

It’s quite clearly a date.

You a being very unfair to this man. You need to mention your boyfriend.

At which point he will more than likely cancel Saturday night or invite someone else to join you to remove the crashing awkwardness.

By the way:

Also, couldn't say no as I had already said I had no plans besides binge-watching a box set.

^ This is nonsense you can always^ say no for any reason at all.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/11/2018 15:56

Hmm. Are you happy with the current DP, or is it a bit stale/worse than stale? Sometimes being drawn to someone new gives us the impetus to get out of a crap relationship. (TBH if your DP is more a boyfriend, ie you don't live together or have DC, then it's easier to dump if things are not going well...)
If everything is great with the existing boyfriend, though, better bring him up with the new colleague quickly - the PP's poster of 'Ooh, checked with my bloke and he is not free' is quite a good way of doing this. With any luck the colleague will reply along the lines of 'Shame, my girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/main squeeze was looking forward to it.' Then all is clear.

ReadMyLipss · 27/11/2018 15:56

I think it's unfair on both your DP and your colleague if you go out on Saturday.

You need to make it pretty clear to your colleague before Saturday that you have a boyfriend already and the Saturday drink is only as friends.

storm11111 · 27/11/2018 15:56

don't cancel just be like hi friend, i can't make 7 but can we delay until 7.30? i need to drop my boyfriend off at X and i don't think i'll be able to make it any earlier.

It's casual, lays down the boundaries and you can get to know him as a friend. sorted