This isn't a date right?

[mimipaw]

I just started a started a new job. One of the other trainees and I have been getting on and have a similar attitude/sense of humour. I have definitely been making the effort to be friendly just for the sake of camaraderie as much as anything else. Definitely wouldn't say we've been flirting just having a laugh together/swapping notes. I did ask last week if he wanted to meet up for coffee and then travel to a meeting together as I wanted to distract myself from nerves. The other day he texted asking if I wanted to go get a drink on Saturday, I said sure as I know it would be fun/rude to say no. I mentioned it in passing to my boyfriend who reckons my colleague has asked me on a date. Aibu to think my dp is being ridiculous especially as he hasn't seen how we interact? Dp can't come on Saturday (not that I'd want him to) and I'm not going to cancel.

ReanimatedSGB No, I've happy with dp. Once I've qualified I hope we can move in together.

storm11111- that's what I was thinking re a text.

It’s a date. I would have also said in my mid 20’s that this kind of thing would be totally acceptable, but the benefit of experience tells me these things are never 100 per cent platonic from both sides.

It is a date. If I were you I'd cancel. Text and apologize. Say you'll see him at work but you've got a busy weekend as boyfriend is playing football/visiting/having a party ...... (whatever)

Don't make him uncomfortable and don't play games. If in a month or so the lines are are clear and you both know where you stand and another Saturday is arranged - then fair enough.

I think you need to make it clearer that you're not interested in him. What's to stop him thinking that you have a partner, but might still be up for something on the side?

He clearly thought you were interested in him enough to ask you out.

NonaGrey His invitation was quite open (suggested several days he was free, but said Sat worked best for him ).

What storm11111 said.

I would not call it a date, thinking the way that you are that it was just a friendly chat. BUT he might very well think it's a date, so you need to get that straight with him. Could you boyfriend come along too, maybe make it a crowd?

Drinks, with a colleague on a Saturday night (even assuming you do work on Saturdays)? It's definytely a date, even if you don't think it is, he certainly and absolutely does.

Up to you how you deal with it but think about this: if your BF found out, would he be upset in any way*? If you think "yes" then in your heart-of-hearts you know it's a date, if you think "no" then in your heart-of-hearts you know you're not that into your BF and you don't care if it's date.

*In his shoes, I would be.

definytely

*definitely

Doh!

I don't think you need to feel bad about this by the way OP. As someone else said I would've thought the same in my twenties (before I realised the only reason men show any interest in women). You don't owe him a date. It would just make things much more straightforward if he is clear it isn't one before you meet.

I think it's a date. Don't waste his time. You need to mention your boyfriend in the run up to the date and see if he's still interested in going for this drink.

This is a date. Feigning ignorance. You, not him – it’s a reasonable expectation for him to think he’s going on a date.

I'd compose a text along the lines of what MrsReacher suggested.

The guy probably got ideas into his head and the kind thing to do would be to cancel pretty sharpish and not lead him on. I'm sorry, OP, but as has been said drinks on a Saturday is definitely a date, I'm surprised it didn't occur to you.

It's a date. Depressingly, I shoehorn DH into conversations fairly quickly for this exact reason. I work away a lot and it's a hazard of the job. Tell him.

I can kind of see from where OP's pov but I think her mistake was agreeing to a weekend drink.

I remember once when I was in a similar position, I had been talking about going to the pub on Saturday to meet non-friends. A guy at work was listening and sort of hinted that he might come which I just kind of ignored, but he turned up, he seemed to think we were on a date...

When I was politely puzzled and distant with him, he told me I had a "bad aura" and was grumpy with me until I left.

I'm single, but when I'm at work, there to work, and yes part of that is being friendly - but really, no other ulterior motives, at all, would never cross my mind.

So friendly chat is just that, it wouldn't occur to me that anyone would see it as anything other than that.

I also compartmentalise work and home, I don't want new work colleagues to know too much about my private life.

Depressingly, as a single woman, near most everytime I chat to a new male colleague they always shoehorn in a GF/DW reference.

I mean, as if?

I'm there to work, not find my OTP. I find it kind of insulting really.

Or maybe asking "do you want a cup of tea' at 10am is code for "It's you, you are the one, I will not stop until you're mine"

Anyway, I'm Audi 5000...

Had you not arranged to see your boyfriend?

I would say, just go for the arranged drink at the weekend.Its no big deal. You are old enough to know what you are doing, and old enough to have some inclination about this guys intentions by now.

Sounds like deliberate shit-stirring on your part.

If I was your DP I'd be hacked off.

This guy is also going to be hacked off.

You could have avoided the whole thing easily in the first ten minutes of meeting this guy by answering one of the standard "get to know you" questions in a way that referenced your DP in passing e.g. "Yeah, I'm watching Game of Thrones right now but my boyfriend isn't so keen" or whatever.

Additionally, you should have sent some kind of message referencing your boyfriend INSTANTLY you had the slightest suspicion this could be a date. You haven't.

Only explanation I can think of is serious lack of social awareness or deliberate drama creation.

I don't think the OP has to assume that every man she meets at work is interested in her romantic status. Not her problem. Men's problem if they can only look at women in that way and not as professional colleagues.

@GotThatWhatWhat many flirtations/relationships/affairs start in the workplace. Just because you think you would never get involved with a colleague doesn't mean it doesn't happen anywhere else. You shouldn't shit where you eat, but plenty of people do. I don't think mentioning a partner gives too much away about your private life either and you shouldn't be insulted that your colleagues mention it, it's not like they're purposely warning you off (unless you give that vibe).

You're not shit-stirring, I think that's incredibly unfair.

OP I think the idea to mention BF before Sat is good. If work guy didn't think it was a date, he won't bat an eyelid. If work guy did think it was a date it saves him from any embarrassment and even gives him an easy out if you suggest moving time because of BF.

Oh God don't send everybodypull's suggestion. Cringing for them.

I think your text is a good idea, so then you can both hang out and have a drink without there being the awkward 'isthisadateornot?' feel to it- it obviously isn't. I'd be very careful though

You asked him on a date (the coffee) and now he's asking you on a date back. Or at least that's how he sees it.
If you're not playing games then you need to mention your boyfriend in work for the rest of week to give him a chance to cancel if he sees it as anything more than friends.
Honestly, I just wouldn't go.

I guess you’re a trainee solicitor? It is encouraged to make friends as it’s a stressful job, long hours etc. But honestly yes I’d guess he thinks it’s a date.

Good idea to text suggesting near the train station so you can see your boyfriend afterwards, that makes the position clear but nicely.