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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel like this is a big ask.

150 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 27/11/2018 13:06

I've been happily with dp for just over four years, intend to marry within next couple of years. I also have one teenage dc from previous marriage who is in Year 9. She is close to DP and sadly hardly sees her bio father, as he has been unreliable and feckless over the years. A whole other story.

DP has a good job, earns significantly more than I do. I am freelance in a location dependent job that I enjoy.
He has recently been asked to move to almost the other end of the country to head up a new office opening. It would be a significant promotion, more money and it's his dream job.

Whilst I am obviously happy for him, he has almost completely taken it for granted that we will all move together. We've discussed it and I've said that I'm delighted for him and supportive, but that I'm very concerned that moving means I have to give up my business, and know that it will be very difficult to reestablish somewhere else, as I've spent the last decade toiling away to get to where I am now. Giving up my financial independence is very hard for me giving previous awful marriage where was left with almost nothing. Just as importantly, dc is at a crucial time schooling wise. She says she doesn't want to move and there have been tears daily since all this happened.

I just don't know what to do. Long distance relationship isn't an option for DP, although he hasn't given me an ultimatum. The move wouldn't be for some months yet and I wouldn't need to go immediately, but will need to come to a definite decision soon.

To be clear, I love dp, want to marry and have a future, but seems so much sacrifice on my part to enable his career progress. He has said he will support us financially, but what about dc and my work.

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 27/11/2018 13:11

What a horrible dilemma.
I'd have to let him move and wait 6 months to see how it panned out. I'd also not move unless you were married.

brizzledrizzle · 27/11/2018 13:12

I wouldn't if you can afford not to move, year nine/10 is crucial like you say.

abbsisspartacus · 27/11/2018 13:14

What does your daughter think?

DeadCertain · 27/11/2018 13:15

As UpstartCrow has said I'd give it 6 months to see how it works out; could he live where his job will be Mon - Fri and come home to you at the weekends to start with perhaps?

Merryoldgoat · 27/11/2018 13:16

I’d avoid moving my child at this stage of schooling for definite. In your situation I’d also not move unless I was married.

KateBurbidg · 27/11/2018 13:19

This reply has been deleted

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Elfinablender · 27/11/2018 13:19

I'd have told him to get fucked the moment he said a long distance relationship isn't going to work for him. It's at that point it's clear that he will only have things his own way and isn't willing to compromise for everyone's sake and he isn't willing to make his life difficult to maintain your relationship.

Baffy · 27/11/2018 13:22

If the move isn't for a few months then I agree with pp and would say give it until next summer before you make a decision?

I don't think I would be willing to move dd at such a crucial time, and you never know how these things go. He could go and not like it and want to come back...

Give yourself a bit of time and don't feel rushed into a decision.

TwitterQueen1 · 27/11/2018 13:22

Gosh that's hard. You could move now because DD hasn't yet started her GCSE years but tbh I don't think I could. A friend of mine and his new partner maintained separate homes until all children were out of school but they were only about 70 miles apart.

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 27/11/2018 13:22

It is a huge ask and I am not sure there are any easy compromises. I wouldn't be up for moving in your shoes, especially with your daughter approaching exam years. Why is long distance a no go for him?

Original poster
Absofuckinglutely · 27/11/2018 13:22

Daughter doesn't want to move, she's upset at the thought. I completely understand her feelings and feel pretty upset myself.

I imagine the setting up of a new office will mean that there's no time to nurture a long distance relationship and my fear is that if he moves and we don't, that the relationship won't survive. We could afford to keep 2 places in the meantime, but it's hardly ideal.

I think I was expecting people to say my worries are unfounded and to go for it, but you seem to be confirming all my uncertainties.

DP would definitely get married, its more me that has put it off after previous bad experience, so that's an option for added security, but it's more the change for daughter and the fact that I have a life and work that I enjoy here.

Aargh - I know this is awful, but I almost wish he'd not been offered this job!

OP posts:
CantWaitToRetire · 27/11/2018 13:23

Wow, that's not like moving an hour away to another city. As well as leaving your current home, you and your DC would be giving up an established business, your friend groups, and be far away from any local family. As much as I loved my DP, I'm not sure I'd be prepared to sacrifice so much. It most certainly is a VV big ask!

user1474894224 · 27/11/2018 13:23

I used to work away from home....train down on Monday and back Thursday night, Friday work from home or in a local office. Could your partner try this to begin with? It's not 'long distance' - and to be honest if he's working long hours then he will probably still see you the same amount of time. - He is not only asking you to move, he's asking your daughter to move and asking you to give up your business. This is a massive massive ask. You have to be 150% sure it's the right thing to do before you go. If he loves you he'll find a way to make it work. Just as if you love him, you won't stop him but you'll find a way to make it work.

eddielizzard · 27/11/2018 13:26

I wouldn't. Not if it meant moving my DD and losing my business and therefore independence. Yes, it is way too big an ask. And what exactly is he sacrificing? Nothing so far...

winterisstillcoming · 27/11/2018 13:26

Can he speak to his company and explain the situation? They may come up with a compromise? It's easy for your DH to see the situation that it's this job or nothing else ever but if his company think he is good enough, they'll find him something else letter down the line maybe?

winterisstillcoming · 27/11/2018 13:27

*later

Original poster
Absofuckinglutely · 27/11/2018 13:27

DP is adamant that he doesn't want to do long distance, I think the stress of the travel on top of the work strain would be too much. He wants the family thing, doesn't want to go home to an empty house. I don't fancy ldr either, but it seems like the only sane compromise to me, but the thought of it going on until dc finishes school does seem like madness.

OP posts:
Elfinablender · 27/11/2018 13:29

Yes, I can see how traipsing your unwilling dd to the other end of the country for her gcse years is convenient for your relationship. But how committed can he be if he would ask this of you?

PBobs · 27/11/2018 13:31

It's all very much on his terms. What's in it for you? Where's his compromise? He's asking you and your daughter to compromise. Will he?

Frenchfancy · 27/11/2018 13:33

In your shoes I would put your DD first. He is not giving you any say in whether he takes the job which makes me think he doesn't see it as an equal partnership.

He can have the family thing if he wants it, he just has to refuse the job.

3timeslucky · 27/11/2018 13:34

If you aren't willing to move (and I can see why you wouldn't want to) is he willing to stay? It is all very well him saying he doesn't want to do a long-distance relationship but what is he willing to compromise on?

How many years left in school for your child? (I have no idea how old a Year 9 is).

Cosmos45 · 27/11/2018 13:35

Can I ask about this "dream job". Is it the only one there is? Is he working in a particularly specialist industry where only that job in that location is considered to be his dream job and no other jobs like this one actually exist?

I think if it were me this would be the point I would be clarifying..

Original poster
Absofuckinglutely · 27/11/2018 13:37

I think he sees it as reasonable as he would be financially supporting the family, which is what he wants to do, and saying that I don't have to work. I don't really think he's considered how difficult it would be for dc.

OP posts:
Frenchfancy · 27/11/2018 13:39

He wants to be the man and provide for his family and he wants you to me the little woman who follows at his beck and call. He doesn't see DC as being worthy of consideration.

PunishmentSnart · 27/11/2018 13:40

He'll be going home to an empty house either way - whether you are in a ldr or separating..