To feel like this is a big ask.

[Absofuckinglutely]

I've been happily with dp for just over four years, intend to marry within next couple of years. I also have one teenage dc from previous marriage who is in Year 9. She is close to DP and sadly hardly sees her bio father, as he has been unreliable and feckless over the years. A whole other story.

DP has a good job, earns significantly more than I do. I am freelance in a location dependent job that I enjoy.
He has recently been asked to move to almost the other end of the country to head up a new office opening. It would be a significant promotion, more money and it's his dream job.

Whilst I am obviously happy for him, he has almost completely taken it for granted that we will all move together. We've discussed it and I've said that I'm delighted for him and supportive, but that I'm very concerned that moving means I have to give up my business, and know that it will be very difficult to reestablish somewhere else, as I've spent the last decade toiling away to get to where I am now. Giving up my financial independence is very hard for me giving previous awful marriage where was left with almost nothing. Just as importantly, dc is at a crucial time schooling wise. She says she doesn't want to move and there have been tears daily since all this happened.

I just don't know what to do. Long distance relationship isn't an option for DP, although he hasn't given me an ultimatum. The move wouldn't be for some months yet and I wouldn't need to go immediately, but will need to come to a definite decision soon.

To be clear, I love dp, want to marry and have a future, but seems so much sacrifice on my part to enable his career progress. He has said he will support us financially, but what about dc and my work.

for someone who suggested it's his way or we break up

Is he saying that though? Sounds to me like he wants to marry OP and live as a family and she’s the one resisting that. He’s got to be seeing that as a lack of commitment from her side too.

Your daughter's needs come first

Why are you waiting 2 years to get married?

It's really not fair to expect you to uproot without security given you are currently independent now. If he wants a family he needs to put his money where his mouth is and get married.

Alternatively if you are not ready to get married I can only imagine you are not ready for such a move to be financially dependant and distanced from friends and family with no security.

The DD isn’t going to want to move for 6th form either though is she. If she were to move then now would be ideal. Kids move all the time and they are fine.

Biggest problem is his assumption you would follow and lack of care about your predicament.

I was struggling with a potential move a couple of years ago and somebody on here gave me some very good advice. If at the forefront of your thoughts are lots of reasons not to move eg school, job etc, then it's not the right move for you.

That poster was right. Because looking back, moving here (abroad) was a far bigger move yet all I saw were the positives and solutions.

So it sounds to me like you don't want to move. Don't be pressured into doing something you know in your heart you don't want to do.

I should add, once I realised and told DH I didn't want to go he dropped the new job. Being with me was far more important to him.

my fear is that if he moves and we don't,
that the relationship won't survive

That’s understandable, but if it doesn’t then surely it is a sign that you shouldn’t be marrying him anyway?

I’m surprised at the majority saying he’s unreasonable, don’t move your dd , give up what sounds like a solid relationship because of this.
Year 9 isn’t GCSE work in most schools, I’d never heard of it being but a pp on here said it is in their school. It’s the perfect time to move, if you’re going to.
I would research the area, and the local schools and suggest a trip down to visit them. Of course she’s saying she doesn’t want to, but many teenagers move area and are fine.
Is your career something you could get a manager to do, or franchise so you get an income from it still, or would you have to close it completely? You said you would give it up for him, and move for him, if it wasn’t for your daughter, which shows a massive level of commitment.
Personally from what you wrote, I would be moving, IF it’s to a comparable area with comparable or better schools. Does dd do any clubs, if so look into those, visit those too.
I have 4 teenagers, so do understand, but at the end of the day if this is your future lifelong relationship ( hopefully) then her not wanting to leave friends should not b3 enough to wreck it.
Two of my dds friends have moved away in the last year, with lots of tears, lots of promises to visit etc, both have gradually fizzled to the odd snapchat message as they’ve settled it’s new friends.

It doesn't sound like he respects you or your daughter much. At the first sign of a promotion at his oh so important career and all the work you've done for your business is to be binned off and your daughter's schooling and relationships.

Don't throw the life youve built up away. At least try and have a ldr first until you're sure.

I made a big move for my DH. I've never stopped regretting it.

Are you saying that your 13 year old daughter's friendships are more important than your long term commited relationship with her (effective) step-father? I'm not sure I would do the same.

If I were you, I would be concerned about the loss of your business. Are there any comparable jobs you could look at in the new area? What are the 2 places like in comparison, in general. What sort of house would you be able to afford? Is it nicer / better than where you are now?

Teenagers are very unlikely to ever want to move but they will adapt. If moving with your partner is what YOU really want, then go for it. If not, then you need to have a serious chat with your partner about other options.

Just saying 'your child is more important' is such a simplistic point of view. Even if you stay put for the 4-5 years people are suggesting, there is no certainty that your daughter would want to move then. Teenage friendships move on. Don't risk losing a good relationship just to placate a hormonal teenager.

I am at your last sentence!

Year 9 is now quite often the start of GCSEs. All of the schools around here do it. It gives an extra academic year to come up to standard. So it is perfectly possible that OP's DD has begun her GCSE studies.

I don't think secondary school is an ideal time to move at all, except perhaps just at the start of year 7. That's my opinion, though it may be coloured by having a teenager with MH issues who definitely wouldn't have been easy to move.

Just saying 'your child is more important' is such a simplistic point of view.

No more simplistic than saying "your relationship is more important".

It is a matter of what you prioritise. I would prioritise my teenagers emotions/needs/friendships over a partner who is giving me an ultimatum about moving.

Don't risk losing a good relationship just to placate a hormonal teenager.

or you could equally say "don't risk losing a good relationship with your daughter just to placate an entitled man"

I wouldn't move a happy child between year 9 and year 11 unless I absolutely had too. By the end of year 9 friendship groups are generally pretty settled until the big shift that happens at 6th form. In year 9 most students are learning to develop a wider support network and I wouldn't take that away from her.

In addition to that, an awful lot of schools start GCSE in year 9, so it's possible she would be shifting to a new exam board, or work being done in a different order (so some bits she'll miss and other bits be taught twice).

teenage friendships move on

I also disagree with this. I still have friends I met in secondary school - as do a huge number of people I know. Being a teenager is hard, and those who shared those years with me are really important. In my case, our friendship has outlasted her marriage and my parents' marriage.

So you left a marriage with nothing, spent years building up your business to support yourself, he completely disregards this and expects you to give it all up and become entirely dependent on him, you're not married and he wants to wait another 2 years to marry, and people are suggesting you enable this by trying to move your job?

Cloud Cuckoo Land.

I moved like this for a man. It was before I had kids, thankfully.

Guess what happened, as what happens to many people who do this?

Luckily I had good skills, some money saved, was able to get good paying work right away and had no kids so was able to find a shared flat pretty easily.

Lesson learned: NEVER give up your financial independence for such a precarious relationship.

Kids never want to move.

I wouldn't be held hostage by a teenager if it's what you really want.

I don't think this sounds like such a solid relationship (and solid needs to be solid from both sides) if this man is prepared to throw his relationship with OP away* because she wants to delay moving together for a relatively short time for very good, sound reasons to do with her daughter's happiness and educational continuity.

*I actually think we should be looking at it this way round, not as her throwing her relationship away. We're very used, culturally, to women uprooting their lives (and careers and children) for men.

No, I'd be telling him to enjoy his career and letting him go.

If my DC didn't want to move then I wouldn't make them go. It's not like you have to move for your job which is very different if it means putting food on the table.

I also wouldn't want to be with a man who wanted a woman at home and anticipated keeping her. It's not the 1930s anymore and I wouldn't sacrifice my career or put all my eggs in one basket for a man.

I agree that moving towns/schools is not the end of the world, but I think he's mishandled this, and his attitude is poor...he seems unyielding. If he'd dealt with it differently, I'd be more open to the move. The fact that he expects you to be a trailing spouse and implies that he'd finish with you if you did not concur, is really worrying.

I haven’t read all of the replies, have read all of OP’s. did you know when you got with him how specialized his field was and the limited chance of promotion? That isn’t he was it would take him away from your area?

The reason I as is my old career, we signed saying we would go anywhere in our country. They initially often sent people from one side to another and as it’s Canada it’s expensive travel and not just a hop, skip and jump to go visit. The expectation is the spouse and children go. Some people move more then others. Some go up north ie Nunavut and others stay based into one concentrated areas. It’s a mixed gambit. Either way, their isn’t much consideration as to wether the trailing spouse will be able to get a job let alone actually transfer a career over. They can be in the same location from 2-4 yrs to longer.

My question is if you knew going in that he may need to move to go upwards.

I get that it’s hard to move, your daughter doesn’t want to etc etc. However, change is hard, no matter how small or big. It’s hard. No one wants change. I suggest a one or two week vacation to the area, either with or without him. Scope out the opportunities, see if you like the area.

You may see other options for yourself. Children adjust way easier then adults. I moved school 6 or 7 times as a child/teen. I did well in school, when I wanted 🤣

It’s not the end of the world to move. This is a fantastic opportunity for him. LDR suck. They don’t often work. Been there done that. The stress on top of a new job would make it fairly unrealistic.

Let things calm down first with the news and then talk again. Go visit and see what it’s like. He can finance things until you find something you like.

Reverse it in your mind and see what you would want. IE it’s your dream job and opportunity, what would you want your partner to do?

And definitely marriage before you go for all the protection it offers.

canuck some children adjust well and continue to do well academically. However, in the England those who have parents in the armed forces attract pupil premium funding (along with children of poor parents and those in care) because the frequent moves are very detrimental to their educational outcomes.

Was he offered this job or did he apply?This makes a difference as to his intentions I think.

Also as someone said above as schools are beginning to realise that the gcse's are too course heavy to fit into year 10/11 some are starting to cover core subjects in year 9.

I think your DD is old enough to have a real opinion on where she goes to school and what is important to her. Children who move never stay in touch with their friends - they say they will, but those kind of school friendships do not work long distance. She is crying because she knows this.

Her bio dad is useless and her new father figure wants her to leave all her friends behind because that's convenient for him. She's an inconvenience for two men, and her mum isn't standing up for her and telling her she is important. She's lost all control over her little world.

Honestly, this is the sort of sliding doors moment where a good kid goes off the rails. If you move without her buy in, you could be screwing her up for life.

It's not your fault she has a shit bio dad, but it does put you in the position of having to work twice as hard to prove to her that she matters and that you will always, always have her back. I think this move will be damaging.

I can understand why our OH thinks you giving up your business is not an insurmountable problem - if you get married, you have a legal claim on his money anyway, so you're not financially precarious. But I can't explain away why he might think this move is OK for your DD and it's worrying that he hasn't considered her feelings in this at all. If marriage is on the cards, parenting has to be on the cards too.

He might be a generous provider, but I'm not hearing much of a parent.