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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like this is a big ask.

150 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 27/11/2018 13:06

I've been happily with dp for just over four years, intend to marry within next couple of years. I also have one teenage dc from previous marriage who is in Year 9. She is close to DP and sadly hardly sees her bio father, as he has been unreliable and feckless over the years. A whole other story.

DP has a good job, earns significantly more than I do. I am freelance in a location dependent job that I enjoy.
He has recently been asked to move to almost the other end of the country to head up a new office opening. It would be a significant promotion, more money and it's his dream job.

Whilst I am obviously happy for him, he has almost completely taken it for granted that we will all move together. We've discussed it and I've said that I'm delighted for him and supportive, but that I'm very concerned that moving means I have to give up my business, and know that it will be very difficult to reestablish somewhere else, as I've spent the last decade toiling away to get to where I am now. Giving up my financial independence is very hard for me giving previous awful marriage where was left with almost nothing. Just as importantly, dc is at a crucial time schooling wise. She says she doesn't want to move and there have been tears daily since all this happened.

I just don't know what to do. Long distance relationship isn't an option for DP, although he hasn't given me an ultimatum. The move wouldn't be for some months yet and I wouldn't need to go immediately, but will need to come to a definite decision soon.

To be clear, I love dp, want to marry and have a future, but seems so much sacrifice on my part to enable his career progress. He has said he will support us financially, but what about dc and my work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Absofuckinglutely · 27/11/2018 13:40

He is in a specialist field and this sort of opportunity is very unlikely to arise again, he would be making quite a name in his industry to have this position. If he didn't take it, I think he would be quite resentful. But then, if I go, I and child may be resentful.

It's a bag of shit whichever way you look at it.

OP posts:
3timeslucky · 27/11/2018 13:40

Oh, and yes, it is a huge ask of both you and your daughter.

Elfinablender · 27/11/2018 13:40

I don't really think he's considered how difficult it would be for dc.

That's ok. That's your job.

user1474894224 · 27/11/2018 13:45

You say he wants a family....part of that is considering their needs. Has he really thought of your DC....not really.

Sorry Efinablender....if they are becoming one family then he does have to consider the daughter too.

SecondRow · 27/11/2018 13:46

This is very tough.

Do you already live together, how entwined are your finances? What will your and DD's living situation be if he goes and you stay?

Nousernameforme · 27/11/2018 13:46

Would you give up everything you have worked for and everyone you know for this man?

dontalltalkatonce · 27/11/2018 13:47

Look, he doesn't really love you much if he's showing no flexibility to both you and your child here. This is a no-brainer here. You are not in a position to move. He can't have it all on his terms. Moving far away, giving up your financial independence and trying to force your daughter to go would be nothing at all but stupid. Actually beyond stupid because it's putting a man ahead of your child.

And they all say the same thing, every one of them, that they 'want to get married and be a family' but you're not, you're not married, and you have a family already.

He wants you over there playing the wifey in his house, no income of your own, away from all your support and most of all, YOUR DAUGHTER DOESN'T WANT TO GO.

How can you even consider this? Being completely reliant on your boyfriend for everything, playing the wifey to him with a daughter who will potentially hate you for life and is at a crucial point in her schooling.

'No. That doesn't work for me. It's a shame, but you'll need to go on your own.'

Why would you even want to be with someone so unwilling to compromise at all?

Someone who wants it all his way isn't worth it.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 27/11/2018 13:48

So basically he gets everything with no compromise. You bend and loose everything including your career. Can he really have everything and you nothing? Personally I’d say you won’t be moving as you need to think of your career, your kids and how established you are locally with friends/family.

Do you even want to be a stay at home parent to a teen?

badirene · 27/11/2018 13:48

DP is adamant that he doesn't want to do long distance, I think the stress of the travel on top of the work strain would be too much. He wants the family thing

So the question becomes what is He willing to sacrifice? He can have the high flying job to make a name for himself or he can act like he is part of this family and put family needs first. Why should everyone else compromise but not him?

I think it is too much to ask of anyone, you would be losing your business, financial independence, security from having family and friend support locally and your DC is losing that as well as disrupting education.

Elfinablender · 27/11/2018 13:49

They're not becoming one family if he would ditch them for convenience. Even if the op goes, she'll know it's his way or the highway from herein which makes for a desperate situation if she is financially dependent on him.

My point was that the op should be prioritising her dds wellbeing, she doesn't have to convince him of anything. She has autonomy in this matter.

LMDC · 27/11/2018 13:50

That is a huge ask for you, OP. I see why you are conflicted.

As you say, he may be resentful of you if he doesn't take what seems to be like a great and rare opportunity, and you and your daughter may resent him for moving you across the country when you're happy where you are.

IMO the best solution is for him to go and you to stay until your daughter has finished school. He says he doesn't want to do long distance but what is more important to him - not doing long distance for 2/3 years or not taking the opportunity?

If you dedicated time for each other (e.g. always Skype a certain day/time, sea each other certain weekends of the month, etc.) it could strengthen your relationship & you would really appreciate the little time you do have together. It would put a strain on your relationship maybe but not more so than you & your daughter leaving your lives behind and trying to settle somewhere new would - especially if he'll be super busy at work & you'll be figuring out a new place on your own/with just dd.

HollowTalk · 27/11/2018 13:50

If your job is location dependent, why did he apply for a job which is so far away? He's just putting himself first.

In the end, it would probably be better to separate, hard though that would be. I can't see a way in which all of you would be happy in either location now.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 27/11/2018 13:52

THe fact he’s unwilling to compromise highlights how little he’s willing to sacrifice.

Considering he will drop you like a hot potato if you don’t move he can’t be that invested in the relationship

JennyHolzersGhost · 27/11/2018 13:52

Nope. I don’t like his attitude. A loving man would say ‘gosh this is going to be a difficult few years, with the challenge of the new job and keeping up our relationship long distance, but that’s the only way we can make sure everyone’s needs are met so that’s what we’ll do and hopefully our relationship will come out of this period even stronger’.
Not ‘I don’t want a long distance relationship’.

blackeyes72 · 27/11/2018 13:52

I really don't see the problem with long distance. Where we live is the norm, many DHs work Monday to Thursday in London and then Friday from home/local office. DH has also done this, and is away pretty frequently.

People don't generally relocate as it is expensive to keep selling up/moving house and jobs are generally really mobile these days.

I would definitely not move as I would not see it as necessary. As a compromise, you could let him go and move when your DD has left school or at least done her GCSEs. Then you can evaluate how things are going.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 27/11/2018 13:52

Put your child first

Labradoodliedoodoo · 27/11/2018 13:53

Yes I can’t see se the issue with long distance either.

Returnofthesmileybar · 27/11/2018 13:53

But him saying he won't do long distance is an ultimatum, he may not have said the words but he has given you an ultimatum. Don't move, wave the cheeky fucker off, it's his way or the high way, he's not even willing to give ld a chance? Fuck that!

Has he considered not taking the job at all?

SecondRow · 27/11/2018 13:53

Has he been supportive of how you've built up your business so far? I would be upset if he was dismissing your work as merely what you do to get money rather than the cornerstone of your independence, and a role model for your daughter.

Craft1905 · 27/11/2018 13:54

Just as importantly, dc is at a crucial time schooling wise. She says she doesn't want to move and there have been tears daily since all this happened.

What does your daughter think?

She thinks people should read the original post before asking daft questions.

user1486915549 · 27/11/2018 13:54

Wow !
So he would rather never see you again than make any compromise and see you at weekends.
He hasn’t thought about your life and career at all has he ?
All sounds a bit 1950’s to me.

chocatoo · 27/11/2018 13:55

If he loves you he will understand that DD must come first and cannot be moved at this stage of the game (maybe for 6th form). If he can’t live with that, he doesn’t love you enough for you to be worrying about it.
Many people have to cope with LD relationships or other halves travelling for days/weeks, the least he can do is try it. Also it would give you all the chance to get to know the new area to try and dedcide whether it’s a possibility further down the line.

MrsWhiskersen · 27/11/2018 13:56

Don’t go if you’ve a choice. I did similar with less choice. I was ill, not working, DH got offered move which would increase his salary and security which was exactly what we needed with a sole earner and me not knowing if I’d ever be well enough to work again.

But now I well enough to work again, can’t do what I used to in new location. I’m also struggling to find what I can retrain to do as it’s so rural.

Long distance is also shift though. Done that too. Some people can do it, some can’t.

So I think you’re both reasonable actually.

TheCraicDealer · 27/11/2018 13:56

He's being a dick and very unrealistic. It's so unreasonable expecting a child to move at that point in their education. Fair enough if he suggested doing LD short term with a view to you moving up between DC's GCSEs and AS-Levels so she could start at a new sixth form, but he's got you over a barrel with his refusal to do LD at all. He's prioritized this promotion and making it work (i.e., doesn't want to put the time/effort into a LDR) over your business and your DD's education. Very unfair and selfish on his part. I'd let him go, OP.

SilverLining10 · 27/11/2018 13:58

I think the most important opinion here is your dd. She doesnt want to go especially at a crucial time for her. It all seems one sided. You and your Dd will be giving up far more than him. And what if it doesnt work or your dd is absolutely miserable?

The solution would be to do the long distance- if the relationship is as strong as it is then what would 6 months LD hurt?