To feel like this is a big ask.

[Absofuckinglutely]

I've been happily with dp for just over four years, intend to marry within next couple of years. I also have one teenage dc from previous marriage who is in Year 9. She is close to DP and sadly hardly sees her bio father, as he has been unreliable and feckless over the years. A whole other story.

DP has a good job, earns significantly more than I do. I am freelance in a location dependent job that I enjoy.
He has recently been asked to move to almost the other end of the country to head up a new office opening. It would be a significant promotion, more money and it's his dream job.

Whilst I am obviously happy for him, he has almost completely taken it for granted that we will all move together. We've discussed it and I've said that I'm delighted for him and supportive, but that I'm very concerned that moving means I have to give up my business, and know that it will be very difficult to reestablish somewhere else, as I've spent the last decade toiling away to get to where I am now. Giving up my financial independence is very hard for me giving previous awful marriage where was left with almost nothing. Just as importantly, dc is at a crucial time schooling wise. She says she doesn't want to move and there have been tears daily since all this happened.

I just don't know what to do. Long distance relationship isn't an option for DP, although he hasn't given me an ultimatum. The move wouldn't be for some months yet and I wouldn't need to go immediately, but will need to come to a definite decision soon.

To be clear, I love dp, want to marry and have a future, but seems so much sacrifice on my part to enable his career progress. He has said he will support us financially, but what about dc and my work.

So it's "both of you move with me, or it's over"?
That should be enough to tell you how much he values your happiness and that of your DD.

Surely he can see the sense in compromising with a LDR? Won't he even try?

Sorry but this says to me he's not truly committed to you or your family.

If he were he wouldn't even consider it because it's not right for you or dd.

Also agree his unwillingness to compromise with possible LDR also not good.

I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship.

Dd comes first plus you don't want to move either.

He wants "the family thing" but only on his terms, he hasn't fully taken on board the impact on dds education (massive) or your career (also massive) because he thinks his earnings negate your needs.

"he would be financially supporting the family, which is what he wants to do, and saying that I don't have to work" which especially as you're unmarried would leave you & dd EXTREMELY vulnerable.

You could move with him, disrupt dds education, lose your financial independence, lose your career momentum, end up splitting anyway and then you & dd are stuck, 100's of miles away from your support network, best earning potential etc. He'll say "i wouldn't do that" but words are cheap!

At exactly what point did he tell you about this job offer? Because a job that high status doesn't usually happen at the drop of a hat, even if you're invited to apply there's usually several interviews etc.

Just don't. I'm very cynical but honestly relationships come to an end. You don't need him. It's nice to have a relationship but people put too much importance on them.

Don't give up the life you've worked hard for for a man. It's just not worth it. Keep your DD happy. Be strong and independent. Another relationship may come along. It may not. The worst thing would be to give up everything and to find it was all for nothing.

Interesting how him remaining in his old job isn’t an option

Of course she's crying about possibly leaving her friends. She's Y9: it's all about friends at this age, but she will make new ones. Lots of DC move and lots make new friends.

I can see her having to lump it if it was her own parent having to make the move for a better job for financial security. A teen can adjust if they have to. However to do it for OP's partner's job, when it's not essential, and they're not married, would be sending a pretty hurtful message to the DD that she's not the priority - one she might ultimately not forgive if it goes badly for her.

You tell your DD she stays at school till 2020 May when her exams are finished.
You tell your DP you will travel every other week and he does the other.
You arrange work so you can do school holidays with him..
You will look at schools and get your DD to come look also you look to see if you like area...
If she agree you sell your business and move...

If you're otherwise really happy with your job and friends where you are now, I'd stay put. And likewise if I was your BF I'd probably go for the great job. Neither of you are wrong, it's just wrong time, wrong place.

Year 9 is age 13-14, right? On its own I don't see why you couldn't move, however if your dd loves her school and is doing well I understand. You'd be taking a risk transplanting her somewhere else with a new set of people and a new dynamic.

Add in the fact that you would lose your business, and that he a) seems unbothered about this, and b) says there's no point being in a long term distance relationship with you, and I think you are right to prioritize your DD.

Op, it’s really simple.

Your DD will never have another mother but your DP can always find another partner.

I wouldn’t even be considering the move. My daughter and her needs would come first.

I have DDs around that age, no way would I move them.

Yes I would in summer after year 11 which is only 2 years away and tbh a lot of them are ready for a change in education/friends etc.

Don't give up the life you've worked hard for for a man. It's just not worth it. Keep your DD happy. Be strong and independent. Another relationship may come along. It may not. The worst thing would be to give up everything and to find it was all for nothing.

This. It's a bad sign that he doesn't want to stay with you if he can't move up with him. It makes him sound detached and uncommitted, and right when he's expecting you to make such a big commitment.

What Elfinablender and Frenchfancy said.

He's being uncompromising and selfish.

DD needs to stay with her peers and in school. And your business needs to be taken into consideration too - you have worked hard at that.

I think he is being a bit cavalier to make the automatic assumption that his needs come first.

We moved as a family at when I was your daughter's age (O'grades/O'Levels at that time rather than GCSEs) and it took me a while to settle into the new school and town, but I was fine. I've been surprised reading the whole thread that almost no-one would move their DC under any circumstances at that age. No, it's not ideal, but I have friends whose parents' jobs meant they moved several times over their lifetimes at school - also all fine. No one "hated their parents forever" (sorry, but some of the statements people make on here are just ridiculous and very leading).

The folk that are saying things like, "he wants to play the big man", "he'd drop you like a hot potato", etc... and going on about 1950s housewives are also reading into things about your DP's character that they couldn't possibly know from your post. I'm surprised anyone's relationships ever survive a post on Mumsnet sometimes. You say you're in love and want to spend the rest of your life with him OP, so if your relationship is great in other ways maybe open up negotiations again to see where it goes? Perhaps he's just caught up in the excitement of the opportunity and sees only the positives for you as a family. I would make him aware of all the negatives he perhaps hasn't thought of. I know where you're coming from about your hard earned financial independence. It's a huge ask to give that up. Perhaps he needs that pointed out to him though (and yes, I know ideally no-one should need stuff like that explained to them, but some people can be blinkered and do. Some people are more thoughtful than others). For financial security if it was me I would want to be married though before even considering this (that is just me based on my own experiences though).

This is hugely difficult for you and I hope things work out.

I remember when I was a child my parents were seriously considering emigrating to Australia. I was very excited about it but my older sister who was about 13/14 had a melt down because she didn't want to leave her two friends who she was always fighting with. She kicked up such a fuss my parents canceled their dreams.

My sister left home for London the day she turned 18 and then emigrated herself a few years later. My parents stayed in the UK.

I imagine the setting up of a new office will mean that there's no time to nurture a long distance relationship and my fear is that if he moves and we don't, that the relationship won't survive

A strong relationship could survive a few years of long distant relationship - until your daughter moves on with her own life.

Personally I would move to be with him and tell my daughter that is what families who love each other do.

See the thing is, I think your own lack of commitment is also a problem.

You say you are the one who’s resistant to marriage because you’ve been burnt before. You are also playing a part in keeping your lives separate. If you were already married, what would you do? Would you still want to stay where you are?

What if you were married and the big job opportunity was yours? Would you expect him to move for you?

What would you do if he was DD’s father and you were in this situation. You’d have to find a compromise then.

You don’t want to move because you don’t want to commit to him and because you want to keep things on your terms too. If you’re honest, right?

Interesting how him remaining in his old job isn’t an option

So far this hasn't been said by OP, only inferred by everyone. He may well be willing to turn it down (though OP thinks he may end up resenting her). I doubt this is bad timing as OP wants her own career, presumably even after DD leaves school. One of them will end up having to give otherwise best move on and they can each see if they can find a partner willing to fit their life style. A LDR for the next 30 years or so (well until they retire) doesn't sound like much of a relationship, what comes after? Separate retirements?

It doesn't sound as though you've properly talked about it, or feel you can, from what I'm reading here it's all about what you THINK he's saying/means. That in itself sounds a bit strange. You need to sit down with him and talk to him frankly. Tell him you love him to bits but are worried about you and your daughter having to leave your business/school/friends behind. Ask him about how he thinks things would pan out if you stayed. Find out facts, rather than speculating. You shouldn't be trying to guess his opinion if you're really a couple facing major issues/change.

If he said he would try a LTR for a while I think that would be the best case scenario. You'd have time to look into schools, houses, ways to move your business etc. He may find he misses you more than he enjoys the new job - he wouldn't feel the resentment of never knowing either.. However if he says he thinks that the relationship wouldn't work unless you drop everything, uproot your daughter and trot off after him, then perhaps he's not really got you high enough on his list of importance, and perhaps he's not quite the one for you.

It's a toughie!

You’re not approaching this with a ‘we are a family and a team’ mindset. Which is understandable. But it’s also unfair to make out like it’s all him being unreasonable and selfish. Nothing wrong with wanting to grab a career opportunity. And nothing necessarily wrong with wanting your spouse to support you in that.

I think you need to put your daughter and her needs first here. Fairly or not she will likely forever feel that you chose your new partner over her if you move.

I'm not sure why your partner thinks a long distance relationship won't work. If he thinks your relationship is permanent enough to consider marriage why isn't it strong enough to survive you living apart for a few years until your daughter leaves school?

Absofuckinglutely you summed it up yourself.

Your DD needs 4 years of stability to get through some pretty important educational milestones. Yes she could probably adapt moving to a new area/school/friends but right now what she has is working for her.

In the grand scheme of relationships and work 4 years is nothing, in education it's incredibly important.

If heading up the new location goes well for him another move could be on the cards before that 4 years is up and DD is ready for university/life.

That's a very real possibility, the shortest term employees in my company are often those in senior roles. They deliver excellence and are poached for the next great thing, sometimes moving continents not just area.

What would he expect you to do then, pack up and follow him again? Expect your DD to transfer again just before or during A levels?

Dedicate the next four years to your daughter's wellbeing and you won't regret it, there may be times it's difficult but you won't regret knowing you put her needs first. You'll still have your business and your DP could make the small sacrifice of LDR for that time.

Just throwing in some thoughts from the other side here - he is willing to not take his dream job in order to remain with you, I think that’s a good sign of long term commitment. That sounds pretty serious to me.

I would ask how rare this opportunity is, and if it’s likely to come up again. If this is a once in a lifetime opportunity then I think you need to give this some serious thought. Personally, if I felt my husband* prevented me from taking a dream job I’d be really resentful.

• I know we are married, but personally I don’t think being married or not is a key factor. If you do, that’s fine, but I think there are other ways to show commitment to each other.

OP, you sadly know the answer. You have clawed your way back to financial independence, and have built up a business. Your daughter is upset, and needs to stay here. Stay.

I would find this much more of a dilemma if my DP said, look: I've been offered this role, and it's something really significant for me, but I also want us to stay as a family unit, so I'm giving you the final word. I won't pressure or guilt you. It really is your call.

The pressure of that would be enormous, and the stakes would be different, because I'd be considering the ambitions of a person who was 100% committed to a joint future. I would hate to feel I was disadvantaging a DP who loved and respected my own preferences and ambitions (and my daughter's).

But your situation doesn't sound like this. I wouldn't sacrifice so much, or go against my daughter's wishes, for someone who suggested it's his way or we break up. The harsh thing is that sometimes a relationship can be perfectly fine until a moment like this arises, but it's very hard to get past the realisation that there's a huge disparity in what you're expected to concede or compromise.

DP is adamant that he doesn't want to do long distance,

Your DP is not prepared to compromise. That, to me, is not a good sign. Why should you, and let's not forget, your DD, have to do all the compromising?

I get the thing about his profile in his industry but long distance is, while not perfect, entirely doable. Oh, wait, he isn't up for being inconvenienced.