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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like this is a big ask.

150 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 27/11/2018 13:06

I've been happily with dp for just over four years, intend to marry within next couple of years. I also have one teenage dc from previous marriage who is in Year 9. She is close to DP and sadly hardly sees her bio father, as he has been unreliable and feckless over the years. A whole other story.

DP has a good job, earns significantly more than I do. I am freelance in a location dependent job that I enjoy.
He has recently been asked to move to almost the other end of the country to head up a new office opening. It would be a significant promotion, more money and it's his dream job.

Whilst I am obviously happy for him, he has almost completely taken it for granted that we will all move together. We've discussed it and I've said that I'm delighted for him and supportive, but that I'm very concerned that moving means I have to give up my business, and know that it will be very difficult to reestablish somewhere else, as I've spent the last decade toiling away to get to where I am now. Giving up my financial independence is very hard for me giving previous awful marriage where was left with almost nothing. Just as importantly, dc is at a crucial time schooling wise. She says she doesn't want to move and there have been tears daily since all this happened.

I just don't know what to do. Long distance relationship isn't an option for DP, although he hasn't given me an ultimatum. The move wouldn't be for some months yet and I wouldn't need to go immediately, but will need to come to a definite decision soon.

To be clear, I love dp, want to marry and have a future, but seems so much sacrifice on my part to enable his career progress. He has said he will support us financially, but what about dc and my work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Absofuckinglutely · 27/11/2018 14:25

Thanks for all your input.

I think he 'might' consider ldr, but he's put it to me in this way "just tell me if you can't move, it would be better to tell me now". So that sounds like dealbreaker talk to me. There hasn't been any "well, let's think of dc and if you can't move until she finishes school then we will just make it work".

I totally see that 4 years of ldr doesn't sound great, but nothing does, and I also think that it's probably the best of a shit set of circumstances. Not sure that's what I want either though - I want a full time family life too.

If it was just me to consider, I would go, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I honestly think I can't put my daughter through it, it may seriously fuck up her education and development during such vital years.
Perhaps we could spend holidays and sort our weekends, I just don't know.

You see all these celebs with kids traipsing all over the world, they seem to manage an almost global existance, but moving away from my established life, friends and family, uprooting daughter. It's a hell of a thought.

OP posts:
LatinForTelly · 27/11/2018 14:26

Don't do it. Whatever you do, don't move.

Crunchymum · 27/11/2018 14:26

I wouldn't move and my reasons would be

  • The fact he assumed you would all move without it being put to you as a proposition (I'm sure you say this in your first post but forgive me if I'm wrong)
  • The fact he is unwilling to try a LDR. If he is going to busy with his new office to do LDR then surely he is going to be too busy to support you emotionally with this move.
  • he hasn't considered your child or your job or your financial independence at all
  • he is offering no solutions or compromise

Sorry OP, I think had he handled it a bit differently the maybe my answer would be to give it a try (not immediately) but the points above highlight to me that you and your DC haven't been given much consideration at all.

indieshuffle · 27/11/2018 14:28

What crap timing and crap to have an amazing opportunity come with such a high cost. Sorry this is happening. It would be hard on many couples who have been married and settled a long time.

But, I would not move in your situation and especially not without being married and settled together. And especially as he assumed you would just up and go with him. That would upset me and make me worry.

If he argues that you can rebuild elsewhere, then equally he can look for other opportunities closer to home. No one person trumps the other. It is not like you are in difficult circumstances and forced to make a big change of some kind.

Of course it isn't always the child's decision, but it could be particularly difficult if you did move and your daughter resented him for uprooting her which could put of pressure on a new marriage, more so than if he was her bio dad, or if you had been married a long time prior to moving.

It is sad that he isn't a bit more torn about the whole thing though, but instead maybe feels he can be the one to set the agenda and see you as the one who is not cooperating Flowers

Would you marry him if he stayed put? Being generous, perhaps if he feels you are putting him off a bit as you write in your update, this is part of what tempts him not to let the job go?

californiascreaming · 27/11/2018 14:31

I don't like his attitude - to not even consider the LDR option - all about what suits him. He'll be busy and stressed so you need to be there nice and convenient. However much I love him it would be starting to colour my views on him that he is asking this. I'd be having a frank conversation why he wants you to be a family when it looks like he hasn't considered your daughter and her age/school situation or considered your history and is now asking you to give up all your hard work and independance.
I know why you are conflicted and emotionally its a hard decision. If you can take the emotion out (which I know is almost impossible) then the decision would be quite clear...

chocatoo · 27/11/2018 14:32

If you do move, DO NOT sell your house. Move into rented until you are sure,

SilverySurfer · 27/11/2018 14:34

Put simply:

If you go:

He gains:
great job
you and DD

You gain:
him

He loses:
nothing

You lose:
your business which cannot be replicated in new location
your financial independence
DD her friends and
massive disruption in GCSE year

If you stay you're likely to lose each other. Him insisting that he would not have a long term relationship makes me wonder what else he would insist upon if you did move and were reliant on him financially.

Personally I wouldn't move.

AltogetherAndrews · 27/11/2018 14:42

If you are in a relationship with someone with children, then you accept they come first. They were there before you, and the commitment a parent makes to their child trumps everything, including marriage and career.

Either he understands that and stays without resentment, or he gets out of your life.

He doesn’t sound like he gets it.

RomanyRoots · 27/11/2018 14:42

You shouldn't really be considering your business and relationship before your dd.
It would be a no brainer for me, put your daughter first. She was there before your partner and needs to be happy and settled.

wafflyversatile · 27/11/2018 14:44

I don't think either of you are in the wrong here. It's just an opportunity that might not suit you all. As you say you two moving could cause resentment and him passing up the job could cause resentment. Your options are go with him, he doesn't take the job, or he takes the job and you try an LDR for x amount of time before he moves job again or you move to be with him, or you decide that the way your lives are taking you no longer work so you split up.

Whatever you do will be a compromise. I totally understand that you wish he hadn't been offered the job.

wafflyversatile · 27/11/2018 14:46

Maybe put it to him how silversurfer puts it.

AndThereSaw · 27/11/2018 14:47

You are using your DD as a reason not to go. Y9 is the ideal time for her as she won't have got far (if at all) into her GCSE courses. Of course she's crying about possibly leaving her friends. She's Y9: it's all about friends at this age, but she will make new ones. Lots of DC move and lots make new friends. If you are going to make the move do it asap.
If, as I suspect, you don't want to go at all, then tell him and let him go.
His promotion is location dependent. Your business is location dependent. He isn't able to move his promotion. Are you able or willing to move your business?

RaspberryBeret34 · 27/11/2018 14:48

I wouldn't move. I think you need to put your daughter first especially because she is so unhappy at the thought of it. It's a delicate age in any case, emotionally and educationally. It could be that the job doesn't work out or is a great 2 years stepping stone and he can come back or wants to move somewhere else. I think if it's meant to be (between you two) he can suck up just 2 years long distance and your DD could move for 6th form.

Mitzimaybe · 27/11/2018 14:50

Your business is location-dependent.

You presumably have friends / family where you live now and would know no-one if you moved.

You would be completely financially dependent on him - and who's to say he wouldn't get petty about what you were spending "his" money on, and resenting spending it on your daughter - seen this happen too many times. You would be isolated, lonely, and with poor self-esteem if you couldn't find work / build a business there. If the relationship breaks down after you have moved you would have burned your bridges and be left with nothing.

That's without even considering that your daughter is at a crucial point in her education and doesn't want to move. Don't even think about it, OP. If he won't consider a LDR then that's telling you how much he cares about you i.e. not enough for you to be building the rest of your life on.

MrsStrowman · 27/11/2018 14:52

So if DP was DDs father and had been offered this job would it be different? It sounds like this is a major opportunity for him and therefore your family. Is there no way your business could transpose to another area? She's year nine, so actually better to go this year, it's not just the next two years 10/11 that are crucial, then it'll be A levels, then she'll be 18 and unlikely to want to move to the other end of the country still, but financially probably not able to support herself. So realistically how long would long distance be for, 4 years? More? What do you want OP? Rather than him and her? If you are going to go, I would get married though, which to be fair he does seem in favour of, it's not like he's just stringing you along.

dontalltalkatonce · 27/11/2018 14:57

But he's not her father, they're not married and she will have to give up all to be entirely dependent on another person and give up a job she's worked years to build up.

And when you have kids it's not all about what you want anymore.

BigFatLiar · 27/11/2018 14:58

"just tell me if you can't move, it would be better to tell me now"

Have you asked about this? It may simply be so he can turn the job down and give them time to find someone else

Notnowok · 27/11/2018 14:59

After 3 years managing a relationship just over an hours drive away my bf started to pressure me to move to his city and buy a house together.

My son was starting his GCSE's the next term. He asked me not to move as he wanted to stay with his friends and had chosen his subjects. So I didn't. There was no way I was going to put my bf before my son. I was madly in love with this bf and heart broken. I got over it. I'd never have forgiven myself if I'd let my son down.
I've never regreted my choice.
I

Mitzimaybe · 27/11/2018 15:00

If he will consider a LDR then there's no reason why you couldn't move after your DD has completed her GCSEs so you could spend some time finding a really good sixth form college in the new place and seeing if you could start to build up a business there so at least you wouldn't be completely dependent on him after you move.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 27/11/2018 15:03

You and dd staying put until GCSEs are over and moving for sixth form (research school/college options now) seems the ideal compromise. Also gives you enough time to consider your future career. Have you suggested that to him (sorry if I've missed it)? If he's intending to marry you - marriage being for the long term, and all that - he should really be willing to agree to this temporary situation. (And I certainly, certainly wouldn't move without being married to him first).

Veterinari · 27/11/2018 15:05

The biggest issue here is that he diesn’t Seem to have considered the impact of moving on you and your DD AT ALL.

You are expected just to follow him or it’s the end.

I would struggle with that attitude.

slithytove · 27/11/2018 15:06

What he has asked doesn’t sound like a dealbreaker to me. Just more that he doesn’t want to get his hopes up.

Just say no, explain why, and find a way forward to try. You can always reassess in a year.

Mitzimaybe · 27/11/2018 15:07

Draw up a big sheet with pros and cons for everyone in the family for both move and stay.

I think that will make it clear that there are only advantages for him and only disadvantages for you & daughter. If he doesn't get this, he's not a keeper anyway.

BolleauxtoBankers · 27/11/2018 15:10

But your daughter's not even started to choose her GCSE subjects yet, has she? Year Nine would surely be the best year for her to move, if she had to, academically speaking? Socially and family wise, completely different, but her actual education won't suffer if she changes schools this academic year, or even if she moves next summer, always providing the new school offers the same subjects as the current one?

pallisers · 27/11/2018 15:10

I wouldn't move my child at this age/stage in school. I would consider it once she headed to college/university (but even then I think it is hard when your parents move from your home town at that stage).

I wouldn't give up my job/business easily either (and certainly not without being married) but your daughter would be the priority for me - terrible age to move that far away.