To feel like this is a big ask.

[Absofuckinglutely]

I've been happily with dp for just over four years, intend to marry within next couple of years. I also have one teenage dc from previous marriage who is in Year 9. She is close to DP and sadly hardly sees her bio father, as he has been unreliable and feckless over the years. A whole other story.

DP has a good job, earns significantly more than I do. I am freelance in a location dependent job that I enjoy.
He has recently been asked to move to almost the other end of the country to head up a new office opening. It would be a significant promotion, more money and it's his dream job.

Whilst I am obviously happy for him, he has almost completely taken it for granted that we will all move together. We've discussed it and I've said that I'm delighted for him and supportive, but that I'm very concerned that moving means I have to give up my business, and know that it will be very difficult to reestablish somewhere else, as I've spent the last decade toiling away to get to where I am now. Giving up my financial independence is very hard for me giving previous awful marriage where was left with almost nothing. Just as importantly, dc is at a crucial time schooling wise. She says she doesn't want to move and there have been tears daily since all this happened.

I just don't know what to do. Long distance relationship isn't an option for DP, although he hasn't given me an ultimatum. The move wouldn't be for some months yet and I wouldn't need to go immediately, but will need to come to a definite decision soon.

To be clear, I love dp, want to marry and have a future, but seems so much sacrifice on my part to enable his career progress. He has said he will support us financially, but what about dc and my work.

I would not move without being married. I would move my daughter, she is not yet at the most critical page. I would discuss with dp what carrots to offer once moved to make her happy.
BUT first some big discussions with dp about his my way or the highway approach. Does he love you as long as you fit in with his life? Did he not even think of you? What compromise will he make for this relationship? If you hate it will eh agree you all move somewhere you want to - be it home or near college- in 3-4 years? He’s given you an unreasonable ultimatum and I wouldn’t be happy with that. If I thought we were a team I’d move.

Oh, here's the other thing, when it's time for your DD to apply for funding for higher education, they will take your boyfriend's income into consideration, BUT, he doesn't have to give it. I've got a many of friend who fell for the 'DP' and now their kids are half-starving at uni because he's not fronting the money.

He doesn't give a toss about your career, you support network or your child, it's all about how he's the Great I Am.

He's shown you his true colours here. Don't be a fool. We only get one chance when it comes to our kids.

I wouldn't ditch mine in 6th form, either. They need a lot of support at this time.

Let him go OP. There are no winners in this situation.

I have a very similar family setup, and I don’t think my OH would even consider the job tbh. I wouldn’t move my kids, or give up my career.

There are too many risks involved; financially you are throwing away everything if you move, emotionally your DD will be uprooted at a really tough time.

In another 4 years your DD will be done with school, so this is kind of a temporary problem? I hope you can work out something. I’d be really worried if he was unwilling to compromise though, does he understand the reasons you have for staying are compelling?

He wants to be the man and provide for his family and he wants you to me the little woman who follows at his beck and call. He doesn't see DC as being worthy of consideration.

I agree with this. He may be lovely, but this whole thing shows that deep down (like many men IME, even some nice men) he doesn't really, really think you matter as much as him. He likes the idea of being the Provider and having the status and glory of the big job, and in return you welcome him home at the end of the day and be his support system... and not much else. He "won't do" a LDR because that doesn't fit with his (actually very old-fashioned chauvinist) idea of how it all works.

He however probably won't see it like this at all – he won't see himself as thinking men are more important, but I do think that's what you're dealing with.

I couldn't do this, because my work matters to me very much (I'm also self-employed), and I also couldn't do it if DC didn't want to. The decision depends on you and your priorities, and I can definitely relate to your concerns.

It's very hard for you though

Carrots Time? How about a familiar school with familiar teachers and familiar friends as a bedrock for stability while you do your GCSEs?

As much as your DP gets on with your daughter there's a chance that he feels that the compromises that inevitably come with taking on a step parenting role together with him offering you financial support is already him doing his bit, so now it's your turn.

I'm sorry but I don't think there's any solution to this which won't involve one or both sides becoming unhappy or resentful.

He needs to go to his dream job if it's genuinely so niche and a once in a lifetime thing and means so much to him. He would resent you if you influenced him to stay.

Meanwhile, you need to prioritise your DD and yourself - neither of you want to go and it would cost you dearly in terms of happiness, support & security. Crazy if you're not even married (and sounds like you don't particularly want to be).

This isn't really a tough decision, but it is a sad one - at this time, you're just not compatible.

Unfortunately, with his attitude to LDR it might be best to end things now, instead of drawing it all out.

Sorry but i wouldn't go with him straight away. Always be the rock and provide stability for your child. She won't forgive you if you don't. I speak from experience.
Can you afford to stay on your own?

I wouldn't move.
In fact, I didn't whin we faced a similar decision.
I said we'd manage the long distance thing if he wanted to job at the other end of the country that much, but that I love where we live, we're settled, I had a business, a great support network, the kids had school and friends.

It looks like he gets everything he wants at the expense of you and your daughter. You are not supporting players in his play, you have your own needs and aspirations.

If your daughter is happy at school and happy with her friends then that's something money can't buy and I think it would be very unwise to move her. The risk is high at that age that she will struggle to make new friends - girls particularly can be very cruel (been there, done that).

Your partner is not married and has no children, so I can see he would have no qualms moving, but you have a life and a business and more importantly a child, and as a PP said you only get one childhood, please don't risk ruining hers.

YANBU - I would not move.

Looks like this relationship has run it's course.

I'm not sure your DD should drive this. Year 9 is probably the last academic year when you can move schools and no child ever voted in favour of changing the status quo.

I'd be more concerned about how vulnerable you might be either way and about your DPs determination to put himself first. If you don't go, can you live off your business alone? Does your DP currently subsidise you?

If you do go then I agree with those people who say get married first. Cynical but the reality is if you don't then you have absolutely no security if he changes his mind and chucks you out.

What a horrible dilemma.
I'd have to let him move and wait 6 months to see how it panned out. I'd also not move unless you were married. Especially if you have to give up your business!

In the meantime, I'd investigate alternative employment options for you (can you run your business online, for example) and school options for DD.

My Dad did exactly this when I was 12 i.e. going into year 9. I also hated the idea, but settled in fine.

Well, hang on. I know you’ve said your job is location-dependent, but try and put yourself in his shoes for a minute.

If you were offered a well-paid job of a lifetime in another location, are you saying you wouldn’t take it because of your daughter? Or would you find a way to make it work?

I don’t think you should uproot yourself before you’re married. You at least need that commitment.

But I don’t think him wanting to go for a big career opportunity necessarily means he’s an arse.

You and DD could stay, OP, call his bluff and say you'd be happy with a LDR, and if he won't, well that's his call.

He may regret it and come back in the end. He may realise he would prefer a LDR. Or you two could end up together longer-term when your DD is grown up. Or none of this may happen, but I think that would be easier to deal with than the regret and resentment you'll feel if you have to lose your career and uproot your DD.

YANBU. If he loves you, he will wait for you. Tell him you will see out your daughter's GCSEs where you are and use the time to work out whether you can re-establish your business in New Place. Do not become financially dependent on him, he is already using his superior earning power to try and sway the argument, how much power do you want to give him over you and your DD?

If he won't compromise he won't. And that tells you everything you need to know about how this relationship will pan out if you don't hold the line on this.

If you were offered a well-paid job of a lifetime in another location, are you saying you wouldn’t take it because of your daughter? Or would you find a way to make it work?

He's not doing much to compromise or find away, it's move or nothing.

And what about if the roles were totally reversed and OP expected him to move his child and give up his business and stay at home so she had him to come home to from her big job? Would he do that? hmmmm....

If you do decide to go it’s better to go before dd starts GCSEs obviously. Have you researched the area and looked for any advantages to going and new opportunities that could be of interest to both you and dd?

Almost everyone has said look at all the disadvantages but there must be some plus points, especially if you love the man.

I would be looking for the bits that could make it work for me and dd. Maybe there would be new opportunities for you to retrain or work in a different field or contacts you have help you relocate your work? Perhaps the new schools have areas that could excite dd and maybe it’s a great place for her friends to visit?

Possibly consider renting out your house and giving it a go? Take a sabbatical from work and then give it as long as you want in a way that works round dd’s education.

I’m trying to present alternatives to simply splitting up with a man you want to marry at some point. That seems a shame. He would however have to commit to working sensible hours and not just abandoning us when we got there anyway because he was busy.

He’s willing to drop you instantly if you ask him to do the LDR thing? Wow. That would tell me all I need to know.

In your position, I wouldn't move but I wouldn't discourage him from moving as it's his dream job.

He doesn't get to have all he wants - the job, the family, the relationship- while expecting you and your daughter to make all the sacrifices.

I wouldn’t do long distance again to be fair to him in that respect, but this is exactly why this should have been discussed before he even applied for the job. It is very presumptuous of him to assume you and your daughter would just pack up and move your whole lives.

You just have to give him your decision and then he can make his own choice about accepting or declining and whether he will reconsider long distance. It is a really crap situation but it is one of his own making. It is asking a huge amount to expect someone to become a trailing partner without even the benefit of marriage when it isn’t what they signed up for

As 2 out of the 3 people in this family don't want to move, I think he is selfish to insist.

GCSE's now start in Year 9 and last for three years. That said, I'm sure that another suitable school could be found for the next two years.

That's not really the obstacle though.

Year 9 was the start of GCSE courses at my DD's school. They did options at the end of year 8 and spread the GCSE courses over 3 years. Some schools do that.

OP, regardless of whether this is the case for your DD, she is still at a crucial stage in her school career. She doesn't want to go, and unless there was a truly exceptional and excellent reason, I would not make her. Moving schools during teenage years is always a big deal.

Also, think VERY carefully before giving up your business and financial independence. You will almost certainly regret it.

Personally, I would not go. DP could work away from home in the week and return at weekends if he wants both the job and the family badly enough. It doesn't sound as though he is too open to that idea though, so I wouldn't make yourself and your DD dependent on him.