Friend let me down again

[Mumspet42]

I have a long time friend, she’s in her mid twenties and is a really nice person but she has cancelled on me today for the third time in a row. She has migraines and had yet another one today which has annoyed me , I probably am being unreasonable but she won’t help herself. She’s been to couple of doctors (gp) and I think a clinic and has some pills but she could do more surely.

She says when she has one she has to lie down and can’t eben talk on the phone, I work very long hours and wish I had entire days to just go to bed! That sounds harsh but I know her meds work a lot of the time and she is just ‘recovering’ from them as they apparently make her feel bad. But I think sometimes we need to get out, fresh air is good for us and much better than being in a dark room breathing the same air for hours. Plus I think a distraction would help too. I just think we need to help ourselves sometimes, my brother had panic attacks for years but gradually started facing his fears and they did get better!

Am I cold in my attitude? I just find it such a waste of time! Plus it’s not nice being cancelled on several times in a row.

My migraines tend to build up, I can feel something starting. Sometimes a tablet helps and it wasn't a full blown migraine, other times I know I am on a countdown to disaster and need desperately to get myself home. I had to drive home from a physio appointment a few months ago as I could feel one coming, slowly building, and I had no idea how I was going to manage it. I had to pull over on the dual carriageway and throw up on the way and cried the rest of the way. This was an occasion when a combination of a smell, lights and noise triggered me.

Yesterday I had a mild headache all day, managed to go swimming with my daughter, but later on it started to worsen and by the time I got home I was ready to throw up, went straight to my dark bedroom when I came home with a pillow on my head and slept for 4 hours. I have felt like I have a hangover all day.

They're thoroughly crap and debilitating.

If you believe your friend is having these migraines and not just making it up to avoid you then why not offer her some support. She probably feels really bad letting you down without you getting so angry with her. Cut her some slack and go out with others so you are not so dependent on her friendship.

Just one more to remind you to be kinder to your friend - Migraines often increase in severity and occurrence as you head into and through menopause. Mine have and I am seeing a neurologist. I now have lesions all through my brain as mine have been cycling so rapidly. Not only do they resemble a stroke, but they are not entirely unrelated to epilepsy. I am on awful medication to try and decrease the severity of my migraines and minimise the damage they are causing to decrease the stroke risk - which is enormous now. I am 46 years old. I can't go near fluorescent lights without them kicking off - which makes department stores enormously fun. (There goes Christmas shopping.)
If your friend hasn't got a GP with a handle on it, she is in for a world of shit until she kicks up enough fuss that it is taken seriously enough. I'm glad you're being more sensitive about it now.

My last migraine started as a little headache, 15 minutes later, we had the tv and all lights turned off, as I crawled on my hands and knees, whilst dp held a bowl in front of me to vomit in, so I could get to bed. Where I then took 4 lots of migraine tablets, as each time I would vomit and bring them back up after swallowing, then held a bag of peas on my head, and stayed like that with dp checking on me every 15 minutes. I stayed like that for several hours until I could bare him getting into bed, without what felt like a hammer and million electric shocks going through my head. As the slightest movement of him putting his weight onto the bed, was enough to trigger the horrendous pain even more.
All the time my eyesight goes, so it’s like looking through water where everything is wavy and I can’t focus on anything. Something as simple as picking up a glass off the bedside table, results in me knocking it on the floor. As for the phone- it goes on silent, or switched off. As the sound of it is unbearable during an attack. Dp knows I want it near me, but has learnt it’s the first thing to go off.
Seriously OP you really have no idea. I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy. I wish those that were fortunate to not suffer them would understand they are not just a bad headache. They are debilitating.

Holy crap yes YABU, I had migraines from my teens until was diagnosed with Antiphospholipid Syndrome aged 38, I was hospitalised many times with them, apparently I've suffered a mini stroke in my past according to scans (TIA) during one episode goodness knows when that was! occasionally they'd go on for 3 days. Migraines are serious shit, I'm so lucky now I'm medicated I no longer suffer as essentially they were blood clots (some still in my brain as infarcts) but you might wanna try going round to see her and help her when this happens, poor woman.

You are being a really bad friend.

I forced myself to go out with a migraine once because I felt bad for cancelling on a friend's birthday party. The pain made me pass out on the restaurant stairs, hit my head and end up in A&E.

God these migraines sound crippling! Many years ago I had a colleague who occasionally was off sick with them and I was surprised how kind our bosses were about it. What causes it? Why do some people have them and others don't?

YABU. There's not much more you can do to 'cure' migraine and recovery can take days or weeks while it waxes and wanes. Have more compassion.

@ShesABelter - the daith piercing has changed my life so much . I can even eat cheese & chocolate now!!! The only things that still gives me migraines is alcohol and caffeine, but I don't use those anyway.

Migraines are shite.
I get them and no over the counter painkillers help at all. I take triptans which are strong and scary. But you have no option.
I have had to give up drinking as that triggers mine. Had MRI scans, no cause found.
I also get a horrendous 3 day minimum when on my period.
The medical profession are pretty clueless ime and can't offer much help.

@thighofrelief they simply don't know. There's evidence of a familial link, so it tends to run in families, but not always. Beyond that the actual cause is unclear.

There's a school of thought that is a form of epilepsy which is really interesting. My medication for example is an anti epilepsy one.

Women are much more likely to get them than men. Children can get them too.

Just a point for those that vomit up their medication - there are other preparations out there that can help you including nasal sprays, oral melts and even injectables, meaning you dont need to struggle to keep pills down or keep taking tablets. Thats the same for some triptans and some anti emetics. I've been prescribed them by the GP and taken them! Go back to the doc and ask what the options are for you. You are suffering and there may be alternatives

Mayhem thanks for the explanation. I've only ever known that one colleague with it IRL. I was a callow youth then and didn't pay much attention. It sounds like a terrible condition.

OP, kudos to you for taking on board all that's been said and following up your original post.
FWIW my migraines were caused by a chemical imbalance which was a knock-on effect of something a little more sinister. I had too much calcuim in my bloodstream and that was affecting me by causing migraines. The calcium overload was the result of a benign tumour on my thyroid. Since I had it removed I've had about six bad headaches in ten years. Prior to its removal I'd be having a deblitating migraine every few days, and at least weekly.
However, as others have said, for them, there are no specific triggers. If your friend is generally otherwise healthy then unfortunately it may just be 'one of those things' that she suffers with.

Another one to say well done OP for such a graceful response to all these responses. I wish I could take criticism as well!

3 times in a row? I'd probably give up

My friend who worked very hard all week would reward herself on a Friday evening, wine, corn chips, chocolate. Bingo that was the weekend gone. It really is not fair but trigger foods have to go if they exacerbate the condition.

So I guess I couldn't understand why sometimes she is ok to be out and sometimes not?

My ex has serious migraines and has said in the past that it depends on if you are early enough in taking the medication. Any delay reduced the effects of the medication.

I get migraines - they are incapacitating. I have also tried several types of medication with varying degrees of success. In my experience, the better they are at preventing migraines, the more side effects you get. Side effects like - hair loss, mood swings, nausea, loss of appetite, rashes...etc etc etc.

So you often have a choice to make between one sh_tty thing and another. Migraines are NOT headaches. They are severe nerve pain in your head, visual disturbances, puking - and are more related to seizures than headaches.

Have a bit of compassion - the world doesn't revolve around you and your missing appointments.

The best support you can give is to tell her when she’s feeling good, you’ll drop everything to see her

I get migraines

I've tried diet changes like cutting out dairy
Pacing and graded exercise (it's linked to cfs)
Cutting out caffeine and alcohol
Coming off the pill
Daily medication to relax the muscles
Various supplements
Yoga
Reflexology
Occupational health suggestions through my work
Acupuncture

I still get migraines. It's a bit frustrating sometimes when people say oh a headache - maybe you should drink more water. If it was that easy I'd have done it!

Currently trying new set of supplements and vitamins. The doctors have just told me some people are prone to headaches which has always been true - as well as migraines I also get a specific type of headache when I'm tired, a different one when I'm getting a cold, a different one with a hangover etc

Anyway just letting you know my experience, there isn't always a reason for them happening or a cure that's easy to find and each time you try something new and it doesn't work it can be quite demoralising

I am headache prone, headaches have been dx as "migrainous" before and I also get headaches linked to sinus problems. Honestly, if it's that bad, I just want to be left alone to sleep- which sometimes takes time to happen, too. Pain killers can take hours to work, darkened rooms are gentler on my suddenly sensitive eyes and my sense of smell kicks into over drive and makes me want to vomit. I had one a couple of weekends ago at a wedding reception and the smell of the sole goujons at the buffet made me throw up- I was across the room from them and the smell pretty much attacked me when the buffet came out.

I usually get another, smaller headache the next day, too. And despite all the sleep, the headaches wipe me out and leave me exhausted, as well as unable to concentrate if I'm in pain. I'm bad company at these times and I can have spells of headaches close together- so three in six weeks and then nothing for months. Please persevere with your friend! I'm glad you've taken the advice here on board. If you're wondering if it's just you she's avoiding, she honestly could get headaches close together. Give her a chance. I also never lie about having headaches- I don't want to tempt fate & bring them on!

I also had vertigo for 10 days this summer, which followed one of the most agonising headaches I've ever had. Work sent me home. I have no memory of getting there. Had a brief respite after a nap that afternoon and woke up the next day with vertigo- I had an inner ear infection and had to cancel everything I had in my diary for about a fortnight. I could barely move for about 5 days and was wobbly, dazed and exhausted afterwards. DP had to do everything for me the first few days- wash and dry my hair, feed me, put my underwear on me & dress me to take me to the GP. Please don't under estimate headaches!

I would also add op to look up cluster migraines. Theres a reason theyre nicknames suicide migraines. If you ever wonder can they really be that bad think about cluster migraines... shudders

A few people have mentioned corn chips; what’s in them?

When I get a migraine I get confused, then my vision goes zig zaggy, I then get blind spots, then a terrible headache, I get numbness all down one side, I can't communicate by speech or writing...sometimes I vomit...I think you get the picture....Medication doesn't help fully.

The following hours after I feel like absolute shit, and the following day I feel quite ill.

I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who replied and gave me a wake up call. I spoke to friend on the phone last night, she was so apologetic which I felt so bad about so told her please don’t be sorry. I then asked her how she had been and described the pain as like a hammer a knife and drill all at the same time plus she vomited several times (and usually does) and couldn’t talk to answe the phone as it made the room spin.

I actually apologised for being a shit friend, so caught up in my work issues, my tiredness and my family problems etc and not looking from her point of view. I’ve said now she just can text me on the day and we’ll try to meet if we can that night so less pressure on her. I’m a total bitch sometimes but thankfully able to own it and make it right, and I feel I’ve learned so much on this thread and talking to my friend.

ohnofootballagain- genuinely sorry I upset you and I hope things get better for your daughter

Thanks all, probably won’t post again but will re read all the replies.