Friend let me down again

[Mumspet42]

I have a long time friend, she’s in her mid twenties and is a really nice person but she has cancelled on me today for the third time in a row. She has migraines and had yet another one today which has annoyed me , I probably am being unreasonable but she won’t help herself. She’s been to couple of doctors (gp) and I think a clinic and has some pills but she could do more surely.

She says when she has one she has to lie down and can’t eben talk on the phone, I work very long hours and wish I had entire days to just go to bed! That sounds harsh but I know her meds work a lot of the time and she is just ‘recovering’ from them as they apparently make her feel bad. But I think sometimes we need to get out, fresh air is good for us and much better than being in a dark room breathing the same air for hours. Plus I think a distraction would help too. I just think we need to help ourselves sometimes, my brother had panic attacks for years but gradually started facing his fears and they did get better!

Am I cold in my attitude? I just find it such a waste of time! Plus it’s not nice being cancelled on several times in a row.

I am so angry and sad reading this posters comments. Great she might be starting too see her thoughts are lacking any awareness but it’s a sign of how badly people with migraine are treated. Examples such as ‘she won’t try alternative options such as a piercing...’ ‘she just needs fresh air’, ‘sometimes she’s ok when out & takes a tablet sometimes she’s not’......... Makes me so so angry at the ignorance. Migraine is the most lonely debilating illness. No one can see it. My daughter has been through Great Ormond Strret shospital & now a famous London hospital. People seem to think it’s ok to offer their treatment options as if there is a magic cure. Luckily she has one good friend who understands, everyone else stopped inviting her. Does the poster really think someone would chose to lie in a room instead of go out. I hope her friend gets some better friends.

Thanks all. Can't quote or do names again now as back on my phone, I did switch to desktop but in bed now!
I just want to say thanks for the replies, the ones kicking my arse and the ones also being nice to me - I'm honestly cringing reading back my OP. I've had a shit day and so wanted to meet my friend, I'm overtired and dreading work tomorrow and I made this thread full of anger and that was a bad idea!

The replies have reminded me of being back at school when you're caught out for something and the teacher tells you off in front of the whole class. I'm sure I have gone bright red reading some of them!!

I want to say Im sorry for all of your experiences with migraines and that I appreciate your honesty. I will see what happens with my friend,one thing is for sure I'm going to ask her what its like for her.

Thanks again.

People sometimes get migraine when they have been stressed, so makes sense you would have one at weekend after a busy week. It could be for another reason or none.
Homeopathic remedy natur mur sometimes helps, either when you have a migraine or as a preventive. Google find a homeopath near you.

For those who have really tried everything- I have had some quite amazing success with a relaxation/cognitive reprogramming app. I've never got on with tryptans and my preventives stopped working. I'm not going to go on about it here (PM me) as I sound a bit evangelical and bonkers, plus it's a paid-for programme (with some free bits) but it's been fantastic for just resetting my body so it doesn't trigger so much. It does take up time though, so time- poor people will find it 'another' thing to do in a busy day, but it's the only thing that's given me back some control over the bloody things.

Fair play to you OP, you've taken a kicking and taken it well.

I'm a migraine sufferer, with a huge history of them over 22+ years since I was about 12. I'm at the end of my tether with them and at the end of all GP prescribed preventative treatment as well as immediate treatment. The migraine type has changed to hemiplegic in the last year and I get stroke symptoms with paralysis of the face, slurred speech, impaired thoughts and loss of vocabulary - the latter lasts for days.

I'm waiting to see a neurology specialist, but it's a 33 week wait on referral (down to 21 now) and I've no idea how I'll survive that. I'm in trouble with work over sickness as it is.

Migraine is life changing, truly.

Least you realise now. Honestly though, sometimes pills don't work on migraines. Nurofen only works for me if I take them quick enough to ward off the migraine. Once it's settled in for the long haul, I'm in bed til it buggers off. That can take most of the day if not all of it. My work is not very understanding either and I'm not allowed any more sick days because I've had too many for migraines now, amongst other illnesses.

Glad the thread has been helpful OP. This struck a chord with me But I think sometimes we need to get out, fresh air is good for us and much better than being in a dark room breathing the same air for hours. Plus I think a distraction would help too. I had a flatmate once who made similar suggestions when I had migraines. All I wanted to do was curl into a ball, sob and sleep. She wanted to feed me. She wouldn't just fuck off and leave me be.

I was in so much pain I would cheerfully have killed her if it meant that she would leave me alone. Fortunately for her I couldn't stand up without vomiting. She made a painful experience utterly unbearable in her efforts to "help". Well done for listening and not doing this!

A lot of,people who get migraines try anything to get rid of them but sometimes there is nothing that works. I’ve just had w days in bed with an horrendous migraine and despite using 3 different sorts of medication nothing worked. I feel sorry for your friend

This is ridiculous... obviously you've never experienced a migraine and you're not a very good friend.

I had a massive migraine last night and all I could do all day today was lie in bed and try and sleep.

Count yourself lucky that you've never had a migraine, that your eyes haven't gone fuzzy while you're driving, and you have to pull over for 3 hours 'till your eyesight clears enough to be able to drive home. To not be able to move your head because it hurts too fucking much.

And yes, it's perfectly possible to have migraines frequently - at one stage I had 4 in 5 days. I've also had cluster migraines, which strike the same time every day for weeks on end. This entails lying in a dark room with nobody, and I mean NOBODY allowed too speak near me, as any sound is agony.

I've told her a couple of times about the daith piercing of the ear that can work pretty well

I had this done - it's been a life saver for me. I went from having 4 migraines in 5 days (I actually had one while I was having the piercing done), and I could feel the difference within 20 minutes. In the 9 months since I've had it done I've only had 4 migraines, and they've been half as bad as usual. It doesn't work for everyone, but it certainly did for me.

Oh, and I've also been in the emergency room on a Valium drip to help for the pain. It didn't help.

perfectstorm thank you. Your first post summed up exactly how my migraines are, the exact feeling. I’ve never seen it described so perfectly fitting to me.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with chemo and had to deal with an ectopic pregnancy alone. I’m in utter awe of you.

Op, I take ‘preventative’ medication for an entirely different reason (the same meds I mean, not for that purpose) and they no more lesson the length and regularity of my migraines than anything else I’ve tried.
I’ve looked into the piercing you mentioned, and I probably will again. I’m disabled (spinal) as it is, taking to my bed with a migraine as a single parent isn’t something I can really afford to do. But there’s a limit to how much you can do.

My most recent migraine for example hit out of nowhere. I remember getting up from sofa thinking ooh my temples feel tight, taking paracetamol and heading back to the sofa. It’s 15feet max. 7 foot away from sofa I lost balance, I lost vision and I was in agony. I grabbed my sumatriptan and downed it fast, nearly vomited it back up in agony. My 5yr old didn’t even notice, it happened so fast. All he knew was I had him draw the curtains, turn down the tv volume and said mummy needs to lay on the sofa while her medicine works. It didn’t work. So I went to my room while he played in his and bless him, he let me hide under my blanket in agony while he played quietly for the first time in months. I didn’t sleep. I felt like I was dying.
You can’t fake that. During this my dp called repeatedly. Son ended up answering saying mummy’s in bed and it’s dark, she’s not well. He knew I couldn’t speak at that point with that info.

Talk to her. But don’t disbelieve her

I don't think you're cold OP, I would also be wondering at this point, is it me or is it a migraine or is it a migraine brought on by not wanting to see me!? You're only human to be wondering which is the true story. I'd advise showing her a lot of kindness when you talk to her next. No advice about diet or fresh air! just 100% benefit of the doubt. Checking in on her. Keep it light. Tell her if and when she feels up to arranging a meetup you'll leave in her hands for her to instigate. And then back away and see if she ever contacts you again.

@ffiffi8 did you bother to read the thread or the OP's updates before adding to the kicking she has had or was it more important to you to just kick her anyway?

@Sheldonoscopy - kids can be great if they have to, can't they . My DDs (10) will bring me pillows and cover me with blankets. They'll make such a fuss, while I just wish they'd leave me in peace lol. They'll quietly play and sort out their own supper if necessary. They know mummy's migraines are bad, and that I can't take care of them right then.

I had my first migraine when I was 6 .

Diet, exercise, fresh air and alternative therapy - hey, Bob’s your uncle and no more migraine

I get migraines. I usually vomit repeatedly with them (sure you would not enjoy being with me while I'm doing that!) The headache is a nightmare. Honestly there have been times when if someone had said that drilling a hole in my head would relieve the pain, I would have taken that option - really I would. It's that bad that a drill in the head would be an acceptable solution.

I get that if you haven't experienced it, you might not get it. But trust me, if her migraines are genuine, she will be going through hell.

I've had to miss things due to migraine before - feeling and about that and knowing I've let people down really doesn't help the situation!

Anyway, I'd give her a bit of a break and some support. Although maybe leave the arranging up to her this time as you have put in a lot of effort. If the friendship is going anywhere, she'll be the one to suggest a meet up next time etc... and you could probably do with a break in terms of the arranging

The daith piercing has literally changed my life. I got it in March and have gone from having a migraine a week and every day for a week around my period to only having two since I had it done which came as a result of a hangover. I know it doesn't work for everyone but it's helped me. Just for anyone who suffers.

Hahahaha you are clearly someone with no idea what a migraine feels like. Your poor friend.

I've told her a couple of times about the daith piercing of the ear that can work pretty well (I read) and have offered to pay for her to have it done but she doesn't seem keen

Possibly because there is NO evidence that it works, It's all anecdotal. FWIW I had one and it made no difference to the frequency or severity of my migraine attacks.

To whoever said something about it being a bit suspicious that the friend has had migraines the last few times she's been due to meet her the OP:

A few years ago, I had to miss my friend's hen night, house-warming and the drinks a week before her wedding, all within the same 5 week period. The reason? The majority of my migraines fall at weekends (this is very common). Luckily I was ok the following weekend for her wedding. I've also been ill and missed: New Years Eve, Christmas Day, my DH's birthday, my birthday, family parties, shows we'd booked tickets for etc etc.

I've tried about a dozen different 'preventative' drugs, adjusted my lifestyle (no late nights, drink virtually no alcohol) paid hundreds of pounds seeing expert doctors at the National Migraine Clinic, tried acupuncture, wasted £300 on an electronic devise that you put on your head...

If any friend of mine suggested I try harder to reduce the number of migraines I get, they wouldn't be a friend for much longer!

Hey OP, sounds like you've had the bashing you deserve for your original post
As everyone has said, be more of a friend and be more understanding. And understand that there is no cure for this and sometimes, nothing at all will help apart from the sufferers own method of dealing with it that they may have developed over the years.
My SIL (bros wife) suffers from crushing migraines. She had one yesterday at my parents house. She lays down on the sofa and literally falls asleep for an hour or two till its better. We all make sure its not to bright in the room and we stick on a film for the kids to keep them quiet so theres no over excited shouting from the toddlers. Thats the only way itll pass for her. Background noise and laying down to sleep.
Everyone suffers differently. But regardless, they still suffer from it. Its utterly horrible for them.

A friend of mine had crippling migraines. They were only better with blood pressure medication. Worth mentioning to your friend

What - in case the difference the doctors overlooked blood pressure?