Friend let me down again

[Mumspet42]

I have a long time friend, she’s in her mid twenties and is a really nice person but she has cancelled on me today for the third time in a row. She has migraines and had yet another one today which has annoyed me , I probably am being unreasonable but she won’t help herself. She’s been to couple of doctors (gp) and I think a clinic and has some pills but she could do more surely.

She says when she has one she has to lie down and can’t eben talk on the phone, I work very long hours and wish I had entire days to just go to bed! That sounds harsh but I know her meds work a lot of the time and she is just ‘recovering’ from them as they apparently make her feel bad. But I think sometimes we need to get out, fresh air is good for us and much better than being in a dark room breathing the same air for hours. Plus I think a distraction would help too. I just think we need to help ourselves sometimes, my brother had panic attacks for years but gradually started facing his fears and they did get better!

Am I cold in my attitude? I just find it such a waste of time! Plus it’s not nice being cancelled on several times in a row.

I suffer from migraines I know when they start to build up and had one at work yesterday the last hour was extremely hard, I literally went home and throw up everywhere due to the pain, it was hard to keep antisickness tablets down plus migraine tablets. Even when I take them I need to get myself in a dark room and lay down. Attack’s can come out of nowhere from waking up with one or one brewing in the morning and the intensity increasing to the point I have to take myself to bed and my dh takes over looking after the kids. I think you sound extremely selfish and unaware how migraines affect people.

My friend suffers terribly. There are food triggers, chocolate, corn chips, alcohol. She knows this but you cannot always be sensible. Book a weekend treat with someone else.

I have a friend who suffers terribly with migraines to the point where her social, work and home life can be severely limited. She's lucky if she holds down a job due to how much time off she has.

I wouldn't dream of telling her that fresh air, exercise or getting out of the house will help because it doesn't. You seem very ignorant of your friends illness, perhaps read up on migraines to understand them better

If she's a long time friend you should know her well and know that her migraines are not a choice. She gets to miss out on an evening too but unlike you she is in crippling pain. YABVU

I've suffered from migraines. I'm a single parent so I have to do the bare minimum such as getting my child to school no matter what.
The pills I need to allow me to physically do that whilst suffering migraine make me feel like crap for up to 3 days after the pain in my head has gone.
Migraines make you sick, you can't see straight or think properly. They often take days to fully get over and feeling back to your normal human self.
I wouldn't want to go to town or anywhere whilst recovering from one.

I’m lucky. When I get a migraine I don’t usually get a crushing headache or nausea. I do suffer from some loss of speech, vision and reduced cognitive function.
Maybe ask your friend what happens when she gets a migraine, and you might have a better understanding of why she might not answer her phone.

Did you know having a migrnaw is similar to having a stroke? Here’s what happens to me, my eyesight goes funny, my hands and tongue goes numb. When that subsides I get a splitting headache and an upset stomach. Trust me fresh Air is not what you need. a dark room with a cold towel or flannel!!

Thats horrible, I didn't know numbness could happen.

Another poster said perhaps there's an underlying reason she doesn't want to see me, yep maybe this is what my fear is, and for her health too long term. I just guess I'm exhausted and overworked and was imagining if I had a migraine I'd have to 'carry on' somehow but from what I've read tonight I can see you can't just do that.

I'm a bit embarrassed tbh and feel like a twat.

You physically can't get out in the fresh air when you have a migraine Heather44, another one who has no understanding of migraines and the debilitating effect of them.

What do you mean OP when you say your friend won't try alternative therapies?

I have had doctors out to inject me with morphine to knock me out during a migraine the pain was that extreme. Even after the attack has gone I feel completely washed out for 48 hours at the very least, it's hard enough putting one foot in front of the other let alone going out.

I am fit, eat healthily, not overweight and avoid all triggers but still get them every so often.

Are your cold OP?

@Mumspet42 the last migraine I had came on while I was sat on the tube. It was horrible I couldn’t see and I couldn’t see ppl around me. I was in agony and no where near my home. Had to get off the tube, find a boots and get some migraine relief. Oh yeah another symptom I forgot is I can’t speak properly. Have some sympathy.

I had a migraine so badly a month ago that I had to shout (which was agony) for someone to go and find my Triptans at 3 am so I could take them, to take the edge off enough to go back to sleep. I've had to go to Out of Hours before with them after 3 days and no respite.

You feel unbelievably sick, and heavy, and you have physical pain crawling round one side of your skull so severe that just resting it on a pillow hurts. You also have a throbbing ache in that area, and pain so intense in your head it feels like someone with huge boots is trying to kick their way out. You can't open your eyes because light hurts and there are bright flashes in them unless shut, and you are dizzy to go with the sickness. You also have this weird sense that you are moving through water - a shaky water that disconnects you from the world. That part usually starts before the rest, and it's called an 'aura'. That's when you need to be somewhere near the meds to have the least hope of preventing the rest in full flood, lasting days.

It's almost impossible to visit the loo to piss when you have a fullblown migraine. It's non-functional. I'm lucky and don't get them that often, but when I do? Well, I had chemo on Friday, and it's a bloody doddle coping with these side effects in comparison. The meds are really effective at quelling the nausea and vomiting, for a start.

YABU, and I admire you for recognising that. But I did want to try to explain exactly how terrible they are, so you recognise what she has to live with.

It's lovely that you want to help, but unless she's not very bright she will have looked all this stuff up. It's so variable - sleep deprivation and hormones are connected to mine, and once I am nearing one food is then really significant. Exercise makes no odds, though. She will have had help and support on this stuff with her clinicians, I expect? The best way to help is asking how supportive she's finding her doctor, and has she been referred to a specialist to see if more can be done? Listen and support, don't try to fix, essentially. With any serious medical condition (you wouldn't believe how many genuinely lovely people have tried to convince me to skip chemo in favour of a special diet - well meant, but so annoying, truth be told. She's the expert so ask and listen - as with most things, that's one of the best and kindest things a friend can do.)

Again, I do understand that you just didn't know, and it's actually great of you to ask, listen, and take this all on board. You actually sound like a lovely person who just had no idea.

I had terrible migraines in my 20s until my father told me how he dealt with his: cut out citrus, caffeine, chocolate, nuts and excessive red meat. Red wine can also be a trigger. Tell your friend about this.

Please don’t do this - as a migraine sufferer this is the most patronising thing anyone can say (including my manager 😂😂😂). Migraines are covered by the Equality Act as they can have a significant impact on your life. Looking at these triggers is the first thing GPs and clinics do to rule them out.

I have them with auras - my eyesight goes like snow on the tv (due to lack of oxygen), my hands (and sometimes throat and tongue) go numb and I slur my words. The thumping headache is a joy in comparison. No tablets touch it and I can’t have prescription drugs because I talk like Yoda when I do. Water and deep breathing help-ish.

I’ve driven in the midst of one of these (not sensible when you can barely see) and two weeks ago sat though a complicated meeting at work as I had no choice. Would I try and go out with a friend when one had struck - no way, because I’d be crap company. Sadly the number of things I have missed due to my crappy brain and blood vessels is vast but I, like your friend, would have no choice.

Don’t be embarrassed just ask her about it so you understand better.

I can tell when I have a migraine coming on as my scalp gets tight and uncomfortable. I find myself feeling irritable from the background pain while all the time massaging my head and pulling at my hair. I'm no fun to be around when I'm like this and would not want to go out as I feel out of sorts and light and sound are painful. Looking at a phone screen when I feel like this hurts and makes things worse.

Then when the proper pain starts, I have to sleep or I puke. I've wasted whole days and missed events that I really wanted to be at because there is no other alternative. I'd be a sobbing, writhing, puking mess if I did anything other than sleep in a darkened room.

Then there is what I call the 'Migraine Hangover' the day after where my brain feels bruised and I still feel nauseous. I wouldn't be good company then either as I genuinely just feel poorly.

When I'm not having migraines, I run 4-5 times a week and eat healthily. I'm currently half marathon training again and I had a migraine last week. It's not an easy fix op! Give your friend some sympathy.

I would love to know what alternative therapies there are available. Would love to know what else can be done to stop a migraine other than being aware already of my triggers (long process to find out) and keep requesting a new prescription.

Yea great. Blinding light and friends making noise. Fabulous suggestions. How the fuck can going out for a walk when you feel like your head will explode help? When the light burns your head through your eyes? When the pain is so crippling when you move your head slightly that you want to vomit? Or have friends around when even a whisper can cripple you in pain? How does going out help with fainting, when at least at home you can faint in relative safety and limit standing?Lights flashing in your eyes, blind spots are helped how by a bit of fresh air?

Fuck me some people don't have a clue

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Should add that I had to shout to get someone because I was physically incapable of moving - at all from the pain, let alone without throwing up, if I'd gone to get them myself. I've never called for help in the night in my entire adult life before that. I once got myself in a taxi at 4 am leaving a note for DH because I realised I was having an ectopic pregnancy and I didn't want our 3 year old distressed and with a tired dad looking after him the next day. I'm okay with pain - had two kids without pain relief; had major surgery and didn't need the fentanyl driver as long as most (they make me vomit so I was keen to cut off sharpish).

Migraines are a whole body experience of pain like no other.

If she tends to get them at the weekend, perhaps they're triggered by a reduction in caffeine - a lot of people drink a lot of coffee at work in the week & then much less at the weekend.

If this is the case, a strong coffee at the beginning of an attack can help. Coke also can help (the proper stuff).

*I just guess I'm exhausted and overworked and was imagining if I had a migraine I'd have to 'carry on' somehow but from what I've read tonight I can see you can't just do that.

I'm a bit embarrassed tbh and feel like a twat.*

Don't feel like a twat, it hard to understand something you haven't really experienced.

Migraine pain is on a continuum. Sometimes it goes from "just about managing with painkillers," to "I can't do anything but lie in a dark room" and it can sway from one to the next and back again.

It sounds a bit like you don't believe she can have migraines frequently (i.e. every time you want to meet?) and she probably can. My trigger is mostly hormonal, so I can get them when my period starts, when it ends and when I ovulate...every month. It's shit.

Sympathise with her but also be up front about whether she wants to catch up or could you provide support for her in another way.

Yes it's frustrating but fgs get a grip and maybe chat to her about it?

What do you mean OP when you say your friend won't try alternative therapies? RedDogs I've told her a couple of times about the daith piercing of the ear that can work pretty well (I read) and have offered to pay for her to have it done but she doesn't seem keen.
I also was told by a colleague that acupuncture can work wonders but don't know if my friend has enquired.

PerfectStorm, I'm sorry. For what you've been through and are going through, and hope I've not offended. It sounds utterly terrifying what you experience, no idea how I'd cope with that. I'm ignorant of it I can see that. I've let my frustrations from the past 3 weeks and some times before build up and been preoccupied with work stuff and family stuff and not actually thought too much about what my friend feels like. Ugh I honestly feel so embarrassed and like an idiot. Can't explain just feel like hiding my face (in a virtual way lol)

*Yea great. Blinding light and friends making noise. Fabulous suggestions. How the fuck can going out for a walk when you feel like your head will explode help? When the light burns your head through your eyes? When the pain is so crippling when you move your head slightly that you want to vomit? Or have friends around when even a whisper can cripple you in pain? How does going out help with fainting, when at least at home you can faint in relative safety and limit standing?Lights flashing in your eyes, blind spots are helped how by a bit of fresh air?

Fuck me some people don't have a clue*

Calm down.

The OP has since admitted that perhaps she didn't fully understand how bad migraines can be.

Please don’t phone her and give her all your nonsense ideas about how to fix her migraines.

Just be a friend and ask what you can do to help her rather than telling her how to fix herself.

As a sufferer myself of horrific migraines (hospitalised on occasion and mistaken for meningitis more than once) i have had recently had my daith pierced and have managed to reduce my medication. They have not gone though. I can still feel 'migrainy' and I wouldn't want to go out.

I honestly wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy and your OP made me mad! I think though that non sufferers just can't understand how debilitating they can be and I'm pleased you've seen from all the posts that they are just the most awful thing to deal
with!

Not everyone's migraines are the same. I often have them with the sickness and nausea, but not a severe headache. However even when they aren't that bad compared with some of my worse ones- the one thing I really really can't do is socialize or chat! Even my kids get short shrift, everyone has to eat instant noodles and I just go for a lie down. I might chat from a sitting position if it's a not bad one.

So- don't feel bad, sounds like your friend is going through a bad spell.