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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend let me down again

155 replies

Mumspet42 · 25/11/2018 21:08

I have a long time friend, she’s in her mid twenties and is a really nice person but she has cancelled on me today for the third time in a row. She has migraines and had yet another one today which has annoyed me , I probably am being unreasonable but she won’t help herself. She’s been to couple of doctors (gp) and I think a clinic and has some pills but she could do more surely.

She says when she has one she has to lie down and can’t eben talk on the phone, I work very long hours and wish I had entire days to just go to bed! That sounds harsh but I know her meds work a lot of the time and she is just ‘recovering’ from them as they apparently make her feel bad. But I think sometimes we need to get out, fresh air is good for us and much better than being in a dark room breathing the same air for hours. Plus I think a distraction would help too. I just think we need to help ourselves sometimes, my brother had panic attacks for years but gradually started facing his fears and they did get better!

Am I cold in my attitude? I just find it such a waste of time! Plus it’s not nice being cancelled on several times in a row.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumspet42 · 25/11/2018 21:57

Migraine pain is on a continuum. Sometimes it goes from "just about managing with painkillers," to "I can't do anything but lie in a dark room" and it can sway from one to the next and back again.

Yes I forgot to mention this in the OP, sometimes she can mange ok while we've been out and I've actually said do you need to go? And she's taken her tablet and been ok a while later after sitting down for a bit. So I guess I couldn't understand why sometimes she is ok to be out and sometimes not?

But this has been so eye opening, I genuinely had no idea about the equality act covering them, about fainting, about the visual issues and about the numbness etc and I'm ashamed to say I don't know if she has these symptoms.
Going to text her first thing tomorrow and ask how she is doing.
Thanks all, I needed this and want to be a better friend.

OP posts:

Blatherskite · 25/11/2018 21:58

My son was shouting about something last time I had one. I had to write him a note to ask him to stop as I couldn't speak without it hurting.

Being out with a mate and expected to chat would be unbearable.

perfectstorm · 25/11/2018 21:59

Please, please, please don't offer the things you've read up on. I know it's coming from a place of love, but there are few things more aggravating. Migraines aren't one thing, they don't have one cause, and there are a load of presentations and triggers. She's speaking to healthcare professionals and they are the ones to advise.

Ask what you can do to help. Sympathise, and listen. That's all anyone with a loved one with medical problems can do , really. You can't fix it for her. But again, it's lovely that you care enough to want to try. Just be her friend. Her doctors can't do that for her, after all!

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2018 22:01

does she ONLY get them at weekends ?

PhilomenaButterfly · 25/11/2018 22:01

Wow. You have no clue about migraines, do you?

perfectstorm · 25/11/2018 22:03

sometimes she can mange ok while we've been out and I've actually said do you need to go? And she's taken her tablet and been ok a while later after sitting down for a bit. So I guess I couldn't understand why sometimes she is ok to be out and sometimes not?

I had one for three days that never fully hit, but was still completely disabling. I went to Out of Hours and was prescribed a bunch of stuff that stopped it, but I was well enough to get to Out of Hours and I was in a state that meant I could engage. Really awful ones, and that wouldn't be feasible at all. They do vary, and they can vary in one attack, too. Often I just go to bed and sleep it off and that works. Other times, I will wake up in even worse pain and need more meds asap. The way they defy logic is one of the worst things about them because you never really know what form it will take. It has to be a form of nerve pain when they really do kick off, I do know that. The level of pain in the brain is of that order. But it has a slew of other symptoms that are all awful, too.

I'm mostly incredibly grateful that I get them quite rarely. I don't know how the hell I'd cope if they were frequent. I get maybe five or six a year, and that's bad enough.

Isleepinahedgefund · 25/11/2018 22:04

My migraine tablets "work" but the side effects are awful. I'm not fit for socialising after I've taken them, even if they sort out the migraine. I take them to get rid of the pain, not so I can skip out to socialise!

I'm glad this has given you some perspective. Migraines are such an awful thing to suffer from.

Original poster

Mumspet42 · 25/11/2018 22:05

perfectstorm I won't. I'm going to just ask how she's feeling and not really much else as I don't want to hassle her. won't text now as she might still be suffering I don't know.
I won't mention any therapies etc.

Bumble, no not only at weekends but the last three weekends when we've arranged something she's had one. I think she had one on weds because I text her and she didn't reply for hours then said she'd been ill all day so I think it would have been a migraine. She's had them before when we've been out on a week day/night so I think they happen anytime.

OP posts:

Celestia26 · 25/11/2018 22:08

I've had many headaches in my life, but only one migraine.

It's an experience so excruciating I would have cut my own head off to make the pain stop. I vomited from the pain so I couldn't even take pain killers.

YABU. Have some compassion for your friend and be grateful you don't get migranes.

Ladymacmuff · 25/11/2018 22:09

Oh and people who change plans at the last minute when you have organised yourself around their original plan. Drives me bonkers! Not sure that's totally irrational but it annoys me more than it should!

Alfie190 · 25/11/2018 22:09

I find it hard to believe that the migraines have coincided exactly with when she is due to meet you to be honest. I think she cannot be bothered with this friendship. I would just leave it.

perfectstorm · 25/11/2018 22:09

Again: you actually sound lovely. You just didn't know, and why should you? People say, oh, I've got a migraine, in the same way someone with a cold says they have flu. They are completely different conditions, but they're used so interchangeably it's unsurprising people don't get it.

You really care and want to help. That's great, and give yourself some credit. You're taking all of this on board and trying to support her now you understand, and that's actually big of you given the kicking people get on AIBU. Not everyone reads the updates, so you'll get lots of cross demands that you cancel the cheque - don't take it to heart!

Ladymacmuff · 25/11/2018 22:10

Omg so sorry wrong thread! I better go to bed.

katseyes7 · 25/11/2018 22:11

l haven't been well lately, not migraines, but a virus which has affected my inner ears, and is making me very dizzy and nauseous. This has been going on for weeks. The doctor gave me tablets for the nausea and vertigo, but l'm allergic to them. Thank goodness my best friend is more understanding....

constantlywingingit · 25/11/2018 22:12

My first

Migraines are bloody awful. Be a more considerate friend! If you think there's something untoward going on then ask, but you have to take it on face value. Migraines are not a joke or an excuse, they are so SO bad. I sympathise with your friend.

TwistinMyMelon · 25/11/2018 22:13

I get migraines and they are very difficult to treat or control. Yabu.

SpareASquare · 25/11/2018 22:13

I can admit that I never had a lot of sympathy when someone claimed 'migraine', much like you OP. Though I like to think I was not as harsh

Then I got my first migraine at the ripe old age of 38 and thought I was dying. I could not move an inch without excruciating pain in my head which was hard when I was throwing up constantly. My ex dh raced me to the hospital and I spent the whole day doped up and recovering on a drip.
Now that I know what they are I don't panic and I am lucky that I don't suffer them too often. When I do, I cannot do ANYTHING. My children know how to take care of me but I am useless. Then there is the 'hangover' the next day. The effects of 1 migraine can last more than just the day it happens. They are horrendous and cannot be prevented (for me, I have no obvious triggers) I just have to hope I 'catch' it with the meds I do take.
So, yes, you are being massively unreasonable but I also can understand that you just don't KNOW what it's like and are looking for other, more personal, reasons

RedDogsBeg · 25/11/2018 22:13

Mumspet42 thanks. I've tried acupuncture to no avail for migraines although it did help with an unrelated condition I had. I don't know about the daith piercing of the ear so will look into that but if it is like acupuncture suspect it won't help me. I had a good run where I didn't get them very often but they have recently come back with a vengeance even though I do everything I can to prevent them.

If I can catch my migraines early enough I can head off some of the symptoms but still feel crap and wouldn't be up for energetic socialising which is possibly the case with your friend. If I am too late and get a full blown migraine one of the worst things is you know what's coming, how awful it is going to be, and trying to steel yourself for it.

Migraines are bloody awful and do impact on you even when you are not in the full throes of one.

turquoise88 · 25/11/2018 22:14

Have you actually read anything that the OP has said since posters have responded with more information about how debilitating migraines can be?

Stop jumping down her throat and move on with pointless and unconstructive comments like your last sentence.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2018 22:15

I used to work with a woman, who got migraines. She couldn't eat chocolate cheese or anything, this is my only experience of Migraines folks

MotherOfDragonite · 25/11/2018 22:15

So glad you have realised a bit more about how debilitating migraines can be. I get them very mildly and very occasionally and even so I need to take a full day out from whatever I am doing to recover. I mangle words/sentences, I get weird visual effects and general brain fog and am good for nothing. When the meds don't work, I am completely out for the count in the dark at home, but even when they do, I'm not right at all.

MagentaRocks · 25/11/2018 22:19

Glad you have changed your view since the first post op.

Migraines are different for everyone. And they can’t always be prevented. Mine are hormonal. The day before a period I get terrible migraines. I can take a tablet enough to function but if I don’t have to do anything I will rest. I get a kind of kaleidoscope of colours and lights that moves nearer to my eyes. If I take a tablet within half an hour if this starting it goes, but I am left with a bad headache - always in the same place.

Unfortunately now I am menopausal the migraines can last for days from the day before my period is due until the day it actually arrives which can be weeks.

It is something I have had to get used to but I wish they were related to food or something and not hormonal so I could avoid them.

CharlieandRabbit · 25/11/2018 22:24

"... more than a headache"

Yeah try feeling like you have a hot rod of iron shitting into your eye ball, while riding the Nemesis at Alton Towers and someone punching you in the gut at the same time every time you try and sit up.

Yabu OP. And an arse.

Rocknroller85 · 25/11/2018 22:27

I think this is a case of you don’t know how bad something is until you’ve experienced it first hand. The OP doesn’t need a hard time, she didn’t know, thought her friend might be making excuses, now you’ve told her otherwise and she admits she was wrong, had apologised and feels embarrassed. It’s never enough though OP some people love to give everyone a hard time. However I probably wouldn’t mention alternatives to her again. She’ll probably not thank you for it.

katseyes7 · 25/11/2018 22:27

turquoise88 l hadn't read the later pages, but l have now. Thank you for that. l appreciate it. And for jumping down my throat.

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