Friend let me down again

[Mumspet42]

I have a long time friend, she’s in her mid twenties and is a really nice person but she has cancelled on me today for the third time in a row. She has migraines and had yet another one today which has annoyed me , I probably am being unreasonable but she won’t help herself. She’s been to couple of doctors (gp) and I think a clinic and has some pills but she could do more surely.

She says when she has one she has to lie down and can’t eben talk on the phone, I work very long hours and wish I had entire days to just go to bed! That sounds harsh but I know her meds work a lot of the time and she is just ‘recovering’ from them as they apparently make her feel bad. But I think sometimes we need to get out, fresh air is good for us and much better than being in a dark room breathing the same air for hours. Plus I think a distraction would help too. I just think we need to help ourselves sometimes, my brother had panic attacks for years but gradually started facing his fears and they did get better!

Am I cold in my attitude? I just find it such a waste of time! Plus it’s not nice being cancelled on several times in a row.

And no, she doesn’t try more to seek out alternative therapies for example.

Is that an issue for you?

OP you are being unutterably arrogant

Migraines can be triggered by huge amount of things, I suffer from a particularly nasty version called hemiplegic which mimics stroke symptoms , I run ,I eat healthily but that will never prevent them

However ultimately you are prioritising your needs and beliefs that are based in no evidence whatsoever over her need to manage the migraines, it would be preferable to leave her alone if you have this attitude

Miagraines are utterly hellish to have i have lots of sympathy for your friend. Mine have in the past been so bad i had to go to hospital for treatment. Thankfully while still severe dont happen quite so often now

I imagine if you've never suffered a migraine you don't understand that they can be completely debilitating. It's a real annoyance of mine when people have a headache and claim it's a migraine.
The reality is there are many types of migraine and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. I suffer from migraine with aura and occasional focal, I'm floored for days when one hits, it's not an option to simply get some fresh air and make myself feel better.

Yes you are being cold in attitude and unkind I'm sure your friend would prefer not to have migraines.

You've obviously never had a migraine, they are debilitating, blurred vision, sickness, pain unlike anything you have ever known

Ok I do feel bad I’ll call her tomorrow and see how she’s doing and offer to help in any way. I promise I’m not just coming from a place of selfishness, I also feel scared because I read migraine sufferers can be more at risk of stroke, no idea if this is fact?

Sorry hard to scroll up and get usernames but thanks for food suggestions I’ll pass them onto her, but then another person has said diet and exercise do nothing to help, is this true? If so I’m all kinds of wrong! I genuinely thought that can help.

I had a migraine yesterday. I threw up from 5am until 11am. In between throwing up I slept, or whimpered. When I stopped throwing up, I slept- until 3pm.

The rest of my family went to a Dickensian Christmas Market. I do hope they didn’t think I wasn’t doing enough to help myself to go with them.

Migraines are hideous.

You’ve implied she’s fat and unhealthy too.

Nasty.

Tbh with your attitude maybe she really just doesnt want to see you.

Yabvvvu and yes you do sound cold and uncaring.

My sister suffers from migraines, they can often have a devastating effect. She now has to inject herself when she has a particularly bad attack. For the record, she’s a health and fitness fanatic and it’s made no difference to this terrible condition that she’s suffered most of her life (she’s now 40). It breaks my heart when I see her writhing around in so much pain, please count yourself lucky that you’ve only been inconvenienced.

Do you really think she wanted to be in a room in the dark recovery from yet another migraine? Do you think she wants to cancel?
Potentially there are things she could do to help prevent them but when you feel like shit it can be hard to make the changes or know where to start.

I think it's frustrating for both of you, but you need to decide if you can be a better friend and more understanding or dont make plans with her.
Maybe ask she to explain what all her symptoms are and how they effect her and how long it takes her to fully recover and that might help you understand her situation more.

Am I cold in my attitude?

Yes and your attitude is also stupid and ignorant to. No idea why you mention panic attacks on your OP either as you can't compare them to migraines.

Did you know having a migrnaw is similar to having a stroke? Here’s what happens to me, my eyesight goes funny, my hands and tongue goes numb. When that subsides I get a splitting headache and an upset stomach. Trust me fresh Air is not what you need. a dark room with a cold towel or flannel!!

You don’t sound very understanding tbh migraines are horrible and can last for days.

What everyone else said. I get migraines that are mild by migraine standards. They are completely debilitating: you can't see straight, don't want to do anything except lie down and make you feel sick for 48 hours.

but she doesn’t want to meet me or just wants to stay in

This post isn't about your friends' migraines, it's about what you said above. You need to get to the bottom of why she wants to meet you to be honest.

For what it's worth, migraines are hell. It's not as easy as "seeking alternatives therapies or something." There isn't a cure, and it can be a long and winding road going through NHS treatment options. It takes time to identify and rule out triggers and get medication that may improve them (but often not eradicate them completely). Private acupuncture around here starts at around £150 for the initial consultation and a couple of follow ups.

You have a "I know it's hard but..." attitude. The fact of the matter is, you should count yourself lucky you've never experienced them and until you do, you'll not fully understand to be honest.

Anyway, like I said. I think you have anxieties about whether your friend wants to meet you at all and uses the migraines as an excuse. Try and get to the bottom of it, if you can.

Jog on op. Tbh I wouldn’t blame her if she was just making excuses you sound like a real cold fish.

Oh god op, they missed you out when they were dishing out empathy. My friend suffers from excruciating migraines which means that she is laid up in bed sometimes. There is no quick cure, she is seeing different specialists to find out. We totally understand if she cannot meet up, must be awful for her. Have a bit of empathy, it could be you!

I got migraines until I got pregnant . I used to get about one a month but not had one in 11 years

I always craved chocolate or cheese when a migraine chocolate.

No I understand and don't think it's mean what u said getting out in fresh air might make her feel better or she could have asked you to go to her house just to be with her she's that bad

You really haven’t ever had a migraine, think yourself very lucky.

Maybe I need to talk to her, I think one of the reasons I'm frustrated is the last time she cancelled (last week) I needed to check we were definitely meeting, I rang her over and over again and she didn't answer her phone. I needed to know what was happening as I could have gone to my parents instead but no answer. She said later that she couldn't answer it, I thought all she had to do is literally accept the call and say 'migraine' and go back to sleep and I'd know!

I don't know, I think I'm maybe unsure of how bad they are, am shocked by some of these replies and the symptoms sound absolutely awful :(

Pps have said. If you have a migraine, you cannot move. You can't open your eyes. You have to stay in bed. It's like having rocks inside and on your head. It's impossible to do anything and recovering is like having the flu. Hope your friend is OK. I can see why you are disappointed not seeing her though, but it's not her fault. At least you know she will be understanding if you have to every cancel due to illness, if you want another way of looking at it.

I probably wouldn't suggest diet changes. Chances are if they are that bad she will have researched into options. A text offering to get her some shopping in. I probably wouldn't ring her as talking or even the phone ringing can be really annoying.

Do you think she is faking the migraines to avoid seeing you? Or do you just not get how bad they are? If she is genuinely having them not seeing you will be the least of her problems and I am sure she will be doing all she can to shift them.