Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

Maybe this will finally allow her to see her husband as financially abusive, when he drives her into penury.

I hope this is the outcome too. Both friend and her daughter need to realise who has REALLY caused this difficult situation for the daughter- the husband.

She is being so cheeky.

Her being your god daughter is null and void now anyway once she turned 18 technically. I would never ask my god parents for something like this and they are my aunt and uncle as well.

I wouldn't meet up with her until she apologises and admits she was wrong to even ask and agrees to never mention it again. She is so rude and horrible otherwise.

And its her daughters fault for getting herself into this mess. She knew what the man was like yet still got pregnant and just assumed someone else would pick up the slack for her mistake. Welcome to the real world love.

Your friend has shown her true colours. Unbelievable that she’d call you selfish and tbh i wouldn’t care about losing her friendship after that.....and you’re right about not considering doing it for just one day a week even. That would mean no last minute breaks, days out etc, everything would have to be planned around your babysitting commitment. Enjoy your retirement Op, don’t give it another thought.

What if her dd had another one, there is no doubt you would be expected to look after that one too. Noway, life is too short for rubbish like that. If you look after her child you are enabling a financially abusive man and enabling the abusive situation to continue. As somebody upthread has said, she should be angry at her useless and abusive son in law, not you! Who does that! This woman deserves CF of the year, what a nerve she has.

Late to the thread BUT

Surely cheeky fuckery at it’s absolutely worst !

One of the worst I’ve seen on here

Your FRIEND wants YOU to look after HER grandchild for FREE when you should be enjoying your retirement

Not RTFT but is your friend normally this much of a piss taker ? Or is this a scales have fallen moment for you?

You should email her and call her out, you are NOT selfish she is a grasping so and so

Mythologies I would be totally against my partner being used by a CF. Anyway op does not want to do it, she wants to enjoy her retirement and her dh is supporting her.

Blimey! I've heard it all now!

I look after my DGC on various days willingly. But I won't deny I'm knackered at the end of it.

But a Goddaughter's offspring is absolutely not your problem. She needs to be responsible for her own life and if she refuses to see that her husband is financially abusive then that's her lookout, not yours.

I don't know that you actually owe your 'friend' any kind of explanation either.

Enjoy your retirement.

Just to reiterate all of the other posters you are not being selfish at all. You deserve a nice retirement, particularly as your husband is a decade older. It is not surprising that a baby wouldn’t factor into those plans. It would be cheeky to assume even if it was your own daughter. The fact that they had planned for you to be working 3 days a week and then doing childcare is cheeky beyond belief.

Your goddaughter’s situation is undoubtedly sad but she needs to leave as it is only going to get worse unless her husband stops financially abusing her and starts supporting his child like an adult.

You are putting yourself first, which is good. You've waited a long time to be retired. Don't let your friend make you feel bad about wanting to retire in peace.

That’s nuclear strength cheeky fuckery. Your friend is an absolute arse calling you selfish because you a) have your own plans for your retirement b) have done enough child raising c) don’t want to collide in GD’s husband’s financial abuse. What is your friend doing to help her daughter get away from this man?

Honestly if any of my friends tried to put that on my shoulders and then had the nerve to call me selfish they would be cut out of my life instantly.

Tell her to fuck off!

Dear friend, I'm sorry to hear that Y is still refusing to pay his half of the childcare fees for his child. It is so upsetting to see DGD still willing to live like this. I hope she finds the strength to stop him taking advantage of her. x

Or the simpler

I won't work for free in retirement so that DGD-DH can keep all his money for himself.

These are perfect, I would combine them.

And reply also to your friend that does she want her DD to end up in the same position as her staying with a financial abusive DH??

Wow just wow. Well here are the options for your goddaughter

1. Stay at home with a financially abusive husband
2. Go to work and get net £20 per week

1. Divorce husband and sue for maintenance

4 her mum gives up work/gets new job to fit round childcare 5 give child up for adoption if they can’t afford it

There is no option in there for mums friend to pick up the slack where she’s fucked up.

Walk away op. With friends like this who needs enemies. I wouldn’t even expect my own parent to do regular childcare tbh. They’ve done their bit

Your friend and her daughter could both do 3 long days rather than 5. Then your GD would only have to pay for one day.

I’d email back to reiterate that you won’t be changing your mind and that in the interest of preserving your friendship, not to ask you again. I’d get it out of the way before you meet up and then if she presses you again when you’re together, you won’t get drawn into justifying your very reasonable decision.

Advice I was given once, travel when you are young and healthy ! You don't know what will happen in life and your DH is older. Secondly, why didn't the GD ask you for child care ? Enjoy your travels, it's cheap er if you avoid holidays like Xmas, Easter, school holidays

@oldbitstillgotit no. More that of you had offered that would have been very nice but now that they have asked you and are trying to emotionally manipulate you into doing it it’s not so warm and fuzzy.

Very cheeky of your friend and god daughter. If money is an issue, your friend should help her daughter out. Or retire herself and look after her own grandchild. It’s not your problem.

Fgs what an idiot friend

No yanbu

agree with all the responses - I think the word needed to describe your friend is "enabling" - they are all enabling the abusive husbands behaviour to continue and you would just be adding to this toxic mix. It is not the behaviour of a real friend in any way - your priority is to your own relationship - see the world and don't look back !

No no no no no no no.

And repeat.

Wow, she wants you to look after her grandchild, in your retirement? That’s insane! How about she retires and does it if she’s that bothered? Absolute CF, YANBU!!

Your friend is weird. Totally unreasonable. I don't even ask my own Mum to do childcare for us (except in emergencies) as I don't want her feeling restricted after her bringing up her own 5 children.

You and your dh deserve to enjoy your retirement.

Um, just say no OP. And mean it.

I have been totally sucked in by this thread. Your friend and her daughter seem to make very poor decisions about their romantic and financial lives, and expect others to pick up the pieces.

What they are expecting from you is huge. Huge,

Your friend is a very poor role model for her daughter. You are an excellent role model by firmly standing your ground.