Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

This is ONE thread were I've got to hope it's a reverse and the OP IS the cheeky friend and has seen herself absolutely slated

Wow. Your friend sounds nuts!

Cheeky fuckery at its finest.

I'd email her back. Explain it like you have here. You want to enjoy your retirement with your DH and providing free childcare is, and never was, part of the plan. Moreover, not even your responsibility.

Wish her luck, say you hope your friendship can move on from this, but you absolutely will not ever become a childminder.

I'm rarely shocked to the core anymore but this situation has left me flabbergasted at the utter cheek of your friend & her daughter.

I appreciate the daughters in a very difficult position but I'm sorry, she should have considered this before going ahead with her pregnancy. That or leave him & move in with her mum. She's choosing to stay & making excuses for him so sadly, it's a case of crack on.

OP you deserve your retirement, you've worked all your life, provided childcare for DGS & been a wonderful GM, this is your time with your husband. Time nobody should begrudge you.

Absolutely don't do it. She should have made provisions before she had a child if this is the case. Put yourself first otherwise you will never get the time back.

YANBU at all.

Also, shame on your friend trying to make her abusive son in law your problem. Your friend should be encouraging her daughter to insist on a fair and equitable marriage - or helping to resolve the problem herself - either by financially supporting her daughter more or providing the childcare. This isn't your responsibility. Enjoy your retirement. Guilt free.

Werewolf's response is perfect.

None of this has anything to do with you OP. Its for God daughter to sort out with her DH, if she's in an abusive relationship then the only person that can do something about it is her.
All you need to keep saying to the friend is that your not doing the childcare full stop.The cheek of the friend for asking you!! If you loose the friend then so be it.

Yanbu at all thats a really cheeky request

I would be getting in touch with your God daughter and recommending the Freedom Programme.

If her dds livelihoods is so important why doesn’t your friend either help or tell her dds dh to get his hand in his pocket and pay for his child.
If the God daughter walked out leaving the child behind he would either have to look after his daughter or pay someone else to

No your not being selfish. Enjoy your retirement!

Is your friend projecting slightly because she knows that her DD is in an unhealthy relationship but doesnt' feel able to help her DD out herself because of work commitments?

Crikey it's not even your grandchild. They have some neck

Absolutely not unreasonable at all to not want to do this. Your "friend" and her daughter have taken entitled cheeky fuckery to back whole new level here.

Even if it were your own grandchild you would not be unreasonable to not want to be providing regular free childcare. You aren't even related to the child you have been asked to care for.

Don't do this. Not even as an emergency backstop. You have thoroughly earned your retirement, and your DH is already 74. This is YOUR time. Yours and your DH's. Enjoy it while you can. Don't be blackmailed or guilt tripped. Stick to your guns and do not back down.

So what if this damages the friendship! It is your cheeky fucker friend who did the damage, not you. To me it would be worth ending a friendship over. You and DH need this time. Your opportunity to relax and do things you want to do, unencumbered by the constraints and demands of small and exhausting children.

And another thing - why hasn’t GD had the decency or the moral,courage to ask OP herself rather than letting mummy do,it for her?

Why would you enable her husband to act like an arsehole?

Why is she still married to a man that won't support their child?

If I was your friend I'd be speaking to my daughter about her husband, not expecting my friend to give up her retirement.

Really OP. Dont be railroaded by this cheeky pair.

They just assumed, even when you hadnt retired that you'd be a free nanny.

Dont subsidise the cunt of husband. I wouldnt be surprised if they just assumed you'd be childcare before the baby was even conceived.

\8YANBU in the slightest*

I’m afraid your friend is morally reprehensible trying to lay a guilt trip on you. You have done nothing to be guilty for.

100% agree, this is a friendship I would HAPPILY lose, pair of cheeky cretins. CF Granny Dearest should be channeling her anger and frustration of her vile DICK of a SIL, and her stupid deluded Daughter, for thinking it's okay to this of you, but stays with a financially abusing Cretin. Christ I'm raging on your behalf.

Please do not compromise on this, and enjoy your Retirement OP with your wonderful Husband.

Firstly, I'm gobsmacked at the cheek of your so called friend! Not your problem.
Do not delay your time with your husband. You never know what might happen.
My dad retired at 68 in January 09. My mum was only 60 and said she'd work a bit longer and retire at 62 instead and then they'd have time together.
My dad became ill in April and died 7 weeks later. He was retired just a few months. My mum wishes with all her heart that she'd retired with him and had those months with him before she lost him.
I'm obviously not saying for a second that anything will happen but do what you want. And enjoy your retirement

cf for asking cant remember anything in the vows of being a godparent about you providing unpaid childcare. you are quite right your husband has been waiting for you to retire now its your time to go and enjoy yourself. as is often said noone knows how long we have either

@pawneeParksDept I promise this is not a reverse !
Have read every message ( thank you , thank you ) and discussed with DH and DC who are here for Sunday meal . Friend is not usually so cheeky. I know she is worried about her DD - as am I - but there is nothing we can do whilst DG refuses to leave her arse of a DH.
Someone asked what would happen if she didn’t handover 50% of bills and the answer is that her life would be even tougher . First thing he would do is take away her car. She wouldn’t be able to go on holiday as she has to pay her share .
I know how unbelievable all this sounds but , sadly it is true.
I will email friend tonight.

Deeply disturbing that both your friend and her Dd think that you, another woman, should give up your time for free because the child’s Father will not take responsibility for his own child.

Why should you give up your time and do a f/t (or even p/t) job to enable abuse?

I would agree to do childcare to cover for the Gd and your friend to do the Freedom Programme.

Stay firm on this one OP. Not one regular commitment. Even half a day a week puts the kaibosh on a week long travel adventure.

Your friend’s thinking is seriously out of whack.

Why would you give up a PAID job to take on an UNPAID job? While SelfishMcSelfish face keeps all his money?

Outrageous. I feel very angry in your behalf.

Wow. I wouldn't even ask my mum to babysit so I can go for a night out you don't need to be looking after babies when you're at retirement age.

I hope you can maintain the friendship but I suspect it will be heavily tainted for a while. She is a huge cf and hopefully she will reflect and apologise. Do not let yourself be drawn into a lengthy discussion though. I would suggest explaining you have been looking forward to retiring for a long time and will not be enabling her sil's shitty selfish controlling behaviour.

I think WerewolfNumber1's response on page 1 was excellent:

"“Friend,

You know that I care about you and God-daughter, but there is simply no way that I am going to look after Goddaughter’s baby once she returns to work.

We have saved and planned so that I can retire slightly early, and we have lots of plans and goals of our own. DH and I have waited a long time for this and frankly I think it is unfair for you to put pressure on me to put our lives on hold.

Goddaughter needs to sort out her relationship with her DH so that her childcare (and other) needs are met, and I can’t be a part of compensating for the issues in that relationship.

I hope you all find a solution that works for you.

Love”

Stand firm, OP. Your goddaughter's situation is terribly sad (and enraging), but it is not yours to solve. Wishing you and your husband great happiness in your shared retirement.

My question is what would she have done if you weren't retiring and I would say this to your friend. Beyond ridiculous to expect you to provide childcare!!! YANBU